Do I need to get a grip when it comes to my nanny?

[AdifferentGoat]

Am fully ready to be told I am being a gigantic cow but figured I'd ask. So, just to quickly sum it up, I am finally back at work (part-time) but am working from home (long story but essentially I am searching for financial freedom). As many recommended since my husband works day and night and is able to contribute when it comes to child work, I hired a nanny to take care of my child while I work...
It all sounds nice and all. I should be ecstatic. I mean it is the ideal situation. I get to work and know my child is being taken care of... But I cannot STAND her. Something about her just rubs me the wrong way. I have felt this for the past few months but always chalked it up to me being oversensitive.
If I sound deranged, it's because I feel deranged! Let me give a few examples. I recently asked if she could please not change my daughter's diaper in the living room. The look she gave me was like I asked her to clean up the blood from a body I murdered. So then I figured, okay maybe I am being a little anal and kind gave it a rest. However last night I went out for the first time in MONTHS. I asked if she could sit her while I was out (I am of course paying her for the additional hours). My husband is traveling so I figured it would be safest to hire her for the evening vs someone new. So she comes over but didn't annouce her presence. I was playing with my child and shouting random songs (as you do) and nanny suddenly 'appears' (she has her own keys). I yelped as seriously thought a ghost had appeared. That and I was in my underwear assuming I was home alone!! I looked at her and said oh my I didn't know you were here! And she gave me a silent look and said 'Yes. Yes i have been here for a hour'. She seemed off (again) but figured I'd ask if she was okay. She said she was okay. I kind of left it at that and went out.
Anyway to finally get to the end of this convoluted post, am I crazy for assuming this woman has bad energy? The easiest solution is to find someone else but she has such a good relationship with my child and my child has bonded to her. That and I need to work! How do I just fire someone because they have bad vibes?? Maybe I am the issue? If you have read this far. Thank you. I just don't know what to do.

@EspressoDoubleShot

Ok,so you keep records of performance You do not give any more advance on salary. It is potentially problematic and needs monitoring plus you need to stick completely to employment terms

Thank you. You are right. She keeps asking for advances and I give it as it's always an emergency and I feel bad for her. However it ia causing issues.

Stop the salary advances - just say no.

The babysitting thing - you agreed, say, 8pm and she came in at 7pm and sat in the house in silence? I don’t understand.

It does not sound like a good fit. I would give notice.

When you have someone working in your home you do have to like them or at least tolerate them. It sounds like she may not be the nanny for you…

Maybe the nanny views you as a difficult person to be working for, and makes her a little aloof around your home, as you are always picking up on some of the little things that she does, as oppose to how she does things her way.

@MitheringMytryl

I would find a new nanny. But make sure you cover yourself legally. Don't treat her unfairly.

I think you are right. I would never treat her unfairly. I actually gave her a raise as she is so good with my baby. The problem is me and my inability to handle her mood swings and lack of eye contact. It is only ever directed towards me. Never the baby. I think while I had postpartum depression she got very used to a sullen me who constantly thanked her and now that I am recovering and back at work, maybe it is harder for her to not have the 'reign of things'? But I feel trapped myself as I am finally at work again. My husband doesn't do much as he is constantly working/away with fairies during the work week. So if I fired her, what would happen to my work? Also maybe I just need to grow thicker skin? Maybe it is okay she is very moody and I need to stop letting it bother me?

@TheWayTheLightFalls

Stop the salary advances - just say no.

The babysitting thing - you agreed, say, 8pm and she came in at 7pm and sat in the house in silence? I don’t understand.

Yes. I told her to come at 6 pm and I'd hand over baby to her as my friend was in town and we had a dinner planned. We had agreed on this several days prior. I did emphasize to just come by 6 pm as I would be out with baby till then and she could enjoy her day. This was an unusual request in that it wasn't a regular weekend but I had that day off work so told her there was no need to work and she could have a longer weekend. I had assumed she would message or something to let me know she was home but I was there for an hour dancing and prancing about with baby and poof...she has been in her room for an hour plus. And never said a word.

The fact that she is a live in nanny is a big drip feed. It's not weird for her to be in your house unannounced at all. In fact it's to be expected that she is there surely?

Re the nappy changing. I find it odd that you asked her not to change the nappy in the lounge- unless perhaps it lead to there being poo on the carpet/ sofa? Maybe her confused look was because she was confused as to why you specified that? It is fine for you to ask her to do it in a different room as you are her boss, but you shouldn't be surprised that she found it a strange request.

It sounds like you are not really comfortable having a nanny in your home, especially live in. So yes maybe you do need to think of an alternative arrangement.

It isn't working out as she's moody and brings drama from outside. She sounds lunfriendly and weird . You need to feel confident in your Nanny - not creeped out by her!

Ps. Not just for your peace of mind working with her but You don't think your child won't grow up noticing? And copying her mardyness - imagine mini teenage style toddler eye rolling / staring copied from the moody Nanny

Lo at the description that shes a shadow of darkness!

Look she's not the nanny for you, so the sooner you terminate her employment and hire a better nanny then the best for everyone

As you said you've just returned to work and DD is a baby, it sounds like you are in first probationary months still so she hasn't worked with you anywhere near 6 months let alone for 2 years yet. No redundancy payments required. .

Start looking for another Nanny . Giver her notice.

Maybe book interviews for a day she is not working or that you give her off

@1forAll74

Maybe the nanny views you as a difficult person to be working for, and makes her a little aloof around your home, as you are always picking up on some of the little things that she does, as oppose to how she does things her way.

Absolutely. Could be the case. I had told her though that I welcome feedback and respect her as a professional and if ever she feels unhappy, to please let me know and we can work together to resolve. However she keeps telling me she is happy and there is no problem but the long faces remain. I know I sound redundant but I just got back to work after months of being severely unwell with depression. I don't trust myself and worry I may be focusing on her as to distract myself from actually advancing my way into financial freedom.

actually she has done nothing wrong...you just don't like her

she's a human being too...you mention your own depression. so maybe she has the same? she's a human being not a robot...'a sock on her emotions"? really?

her personality is just that, her personality.

Go with your gut and look to get rid.’

I had a nanny and i would never, ever get another one. She was unbelievably sneaky, passive aggressive and had a weird need to be try and outshine me at every turn.

I mean you should sack her because you don’t like her and that’s not good for anyone but some of the stuff does sound precious if I’m honest.

You were shocked and ‘thought she was a ghost’ because she arrived unannounced in the house she lives in? She lives in, it couldn’t have been that shocking that she was there.

And as for the vacant look, is it possible she’s aware you dislike her and so she feels uncomfortable?

The salary advances and drama aren’t acceptable but I wouldn’t bother trying to mitigate them given that you already dislike her. I’d just give her notice.

If you work part time, I would get a live out nanny. Give your nanny her notice as having someone in your house isnt for everyone.

Are you sure it's the nanny herself and youd tolerate some other person to be living in your house? It's not for everyone.

@Adelino

The fact that she is a live in nanny is a big drip feed. It's not weird for her to be in your house unannounced at all. In fact it's to be expected that she is there surely?

Re the nappy changing. I find it odd that you asked her not to change the nappy in the lounge- unless perhaps it lead to there being poo on the carpet/ sofa? Maybe her confused look was because she was confused as to why you specified that? It is fine for you to ask her to do it in a different room as you are her boss, but you shouldn't be surprised that she found it a strange request.

It sounds like you are not really comfortable having a nanny in your home, especially live in. So yes maybe you do need to think of an alternative arrangement.

Yes. You are right. Apologies for drip feed. I am just trying to make sense of the situation myself. Our live in situation is a bit unusual in that she 'lives' with us during the work week but weekends she stays elsewhere and is off the clock unless there is babysitting requirements but we pay her as if she is working for us monthly? Does that make sense? Just to give further context, my work hours are 8 am to 2 pm. Once 2 pm hits I am with baby and only ever need her help re occasional babysitting if I have an appointment or something comes up. The reason her arriving home was weird is because it wasn't a weekend but a weekday. Also she heard me come in, play with baby etc but still didn't say something like 'oh I am home'. She literally emerged out of nowhere. And when I said Oh 'Lucy' I didn't see you there as otherwise would have put clothes on. Her response was: I have been here for a while. Ok. I asked if she was okay as she seemed upset and she said: No. I am perfect. Re the nappy changes. I only brought that up as I didn't think it was hygienic to do so in play area when the baby room is down the hall. Maybe I said it in a mean way? It wasn't my intention. I will however keep it in mind. Good insight . Thank you.

Also if I came home to my live in position to find my employer in her underwear shouting random songs and the employer then yelped and seemed really shocked to find me in the house I wouldn’t know how to either. People behave awkwardly in awkward situations.

So many of you are right. I know the main problem is me. I find it hard to deal with moodiness. However just to give better context, we treat her very well, she has a fantastic salary (that she deserves), if I ask for 'extra hours', I ask way in advance of and pay accordingly. My problem is how do I learn to just not personalise things and be okay with her moodiness?
How do I speak to her and let her know my concerns? And encourage hers? Maybe I am nit picking and she doesn't like it but how do I encourage conversation? She will happily tell me about her family woes and money related issues but she won't ever say anything re our working relationship. I dont want to get rid of her just because she rubs me the wrong way, but more so what the hell do I do to have her actually be straightforward with me?

@gardeninggirl68

actually she has done nothing wrong...you just don't like her

she's a human being too...you mention your own depression. so maybe she has the same? she's a human being not a robot...'a sock on her emotions"? really?

her personality is just that, her personality.

Yes the nanny has her own personality but it jars & unsettles op The op doesn’t have to passively just think oh that’s just her and do nowt It’s a live in post and it’s not working. Of course the op can terminate the post

I hope you knock the salary advances off her salary?

Seriously, just give her her notice when you have a replacement organised It won't be good for your baby to be looked after by someone who is moody.

It’s not working, OP. Find someone else. But, before you do, I think you need to find a more sustainable way of being around/managing your nanny — you sound as if you’re appeasing her a lot, with all the thanking and telling her about your PND etc, not to mention the raise when you’re really not happy with her.

@Kanaloa

I mean you should sack her because you don’t like her and that’s not good for anyone but some of the stuff does sound precious if I’m honest.

You were shocked and ‘thought she was a ghost’ because she arrived unannounced in the house she lives in? She lives in, it couldn’t have been that shocking that she was there.

And as for the vacant look, is it possible she’s aware you dislike her and so she feels uncomfortable?

The salary advances and drama aren’t acceptable but I wouldn’t bother trying to mitigate them given that you already dislike her. I’d just give her notice.

I dont dislike her per say when I think about it. It is more so I feel uncomfortable? However I cannot just fire someone because they make me uncomfortable when they are moody. She is super with my child. And I need the help as I need to work. Let's say I fired her, I'd have to start the search all over again and help my child get used to her. That is impossible (or it feels so) as I have just gotten a new role. Honestly I don't really know what I am asking. The truth is I am desperate to advance my own life and I need help for that. However the person I hired isn't a personality fit but on same note she is doing her job when it comes to my child, so why isn't it enough for me? Her ups and downs and inability to take feedback (I rarely ever do this btw) is making me tense in my own home. Due to nature of my work, I have to sometimes be available for calls later in day hence why live in. That and my husband is a ghost and rarely is around and I have no one to help. I know I sound very dramatic here but sometimes you just need to vent. I feel stupid because I simply do not feel comfortable with her but she's doing a good job? Good grief. Maybe I need a drink

if I came home to my live in position to find my employer in her underwear shouting random songs and the employer then yelped and seemed really shocked to find me in the house I wouldn’t know how to either.

. I agree but I think you have to be able to tolerate a bit of this in live-in situations. Often mums will be breastfeeding in the house or running late in the morning. If my DC smeared food on me when I was just about to leave for work, I wouldn't go upstairs to change, I'd just grab another top from the pile, pull it on and run out the door. The problem comes when one or both people are awkward about it...most people I know would just grin and apologise for flashing.

Can you start working out of the home? Or in your office with the door closed during working hours. Perhaps the issue is a bit of a protective thing over your baby? It would maybe be more comfortable if you weren’t in each other’s space.

The feedback thing I’m not sure. I mean did she start changing your baby where you wanted her to? If so then she has accepted the feedback.

@Kanaloa

Also if I came home to my live in position to find my employer in her underwear shouting random songs and the employer then yelped and seemed really shocked to find me in the house I wouldn’t know how to either. People behave awkwardly in awkward situations.

I understand what you are saying but I was telling my baby out loud that mummy needs to change her clothes and let us do a mummy in underpants and baby in diaper dance We were running up and down the hallway and the entire time she was there. There was no missing my voice and shouts re mummy and baby underpants dance!