Do I need to get a grip when it comes to my nanny?

[AdifferentGoat]

Am fully ready to be told I am being a gigantic cow but figured I'd ask. So, just to quickly sum it up, I am finally back at work (part-time) but am working from home (long story but essentially I am searching for financial freedom). As many recommended since my husband works day and night and is able to contribute when it comes to child work, I hired a nanny to take care of my child while I work...
It all sounds nice and all. I should be ecstatic. I mean it is the ideal situation. I get to work and know my child is being taken care of... But I cannot STAND her. Something about her just rubs me the wrong way. I have felt this for the past few months but always chalked it up to me being oversensitive.
If I sound deranged, it's because I feel deranged! Let me give a few examples. I recently asked if she could please not change my daughter's diaper in the living room. The look she gave me was like I asked her to clean up the blood from a body I murdered. So then I figured, okay maybe I am being a little anal and kind gave it a rest. However last night I went out for the first time in MONTHS. I asked if she could sit her while I was out (I am of course paying her for the additional hours). My husband is traveling so I figured it would be safest to hire her for the evening vs someone new. So she comes over but didn't annouce her presence. I was playing with my child and shouting random songs (as you do) and nanny suddenly 'appears' (she has her own keys). I yelped as seriously thought a ghost had appeared. That and I was in my underwear assuming I was home alone!! I looked at her and said oh my I didn't know you were here! And she gave me a silent look and said 'Yes. Yes i have been here for a hour'. She seemed off (again) but figured I'd ask if she was okay. She said she was okay. I kind of left it at that and went out.
Anyway to finally get to the end of this convoluted post, am I crazy for assuming this woman has bad energy? The easiest solution is to find someone else but she has such a good relationship with my child and my child has bonded to her. That and I need to work! How do I just fire someone because they have bad vibes?? Maybe I am the issue? If you have read this far. Thank you. I just don't know what to do.

Love your update OP. You can feel your renewed strength radiating from your words. How far you have come.

Sending you a very uncool High Five.

Can I just say (apologies have not read the thread fully) that you are going to have NUMEROUS people involved in caring for your daughter over the years and it starts here: follow your gut. I didn't do this so manny times and it always always ended in me thinking why didn't I follow my gut? Some serious consequences and others less so. Anyone who thinks her own feelings come above that of an employers reasonable request, cannot take direction or criticism needs to be shown the door - REGARDLESS of how she is with your daughter. Childcare is 50% about communication wjth parents. Find another nanny and give her notice. Start recording issues and reactions. Follow advice on handling dismissal.

I often felt apologetic complaining or advocating for my child with carers or teachers and I look back and think WTF? This was ALL to do with my desperation and stress and codependency. Think about professional boundaries outside of the home and how you replicate them in the home. It is no different. I would draw and line under this woman. Next time you produce a job description and TELL her in no uncertain terms what is important to you, your values and what are deal breakers . Everyone is different so this is important. Daily notebook diary wjth feedback on day snd any issues notes for you that she can see during the day. Weekly catch up.

Be professional and find a professional. I worked from home for YEARS and always found it very hard finding a nanny that was happy with that. Now of course the whole industry has to contend wjth mothers at home. So it's a two way thing/ you need to let her do her job whilst also respecting your ability and space to do yours. You may in time want to get out of house as your child WILL always seek you out. But find the right person and it will go well. Trust me this is good to learn now and use it as a teaching experience! Don't worry about your child, she will be Ok!

I feel for you OP, this sounds awkward a d tricky. Didn't want to read and run so personally, I would start finding a new nanny and give this one notice when you find one.

I appreciate she has a good bond with your child but bad vibes isn't good - I know what you mean.

And if anything untoward happened you'd be annoyed you didn't trust your gut.

Find a new nanny but keep her whilst looking.

I also agree actually with another posting suggesting an open (admittedly awkward) conversation with her first is fair - and if things still don't change then she needs the sack

Also consider going to CODA. At least in interim whilst you navigate this stuff. Codependency is rife and addictive behaviour that is passed out through generations. Stopping the pattern is absolutely vital if you don't want to pass it on. Think about why you gave her your hairdryer snd the discomfort YOU felt when she mentioned the shorts. Keep focus on you and your behaviour and boundaries - you can't change your husband or her. Not many people understand codependency and it can literally tear families apart.

Wtaf.

You asked her to be there. She lives in your house . And yet you are surprised that she's there, so much so that you aren't even dressed?

I'm so confused by your behaviour.

Also, why should she announce that she's back in the house that she lives in? Surely she should be free to come and go as she likes?

And if she had, you would probably be even more annoyed that she was there so much earlier than you expected her.

I'm not sure you are cut out to have a live in nanny tbh.

Also agree with @FluffyBooBoo to an extent that the situation of her coming in is weird - if she is live in what would you expect?

Perhaps you need to amend the relationship to her not living in

And here they come, the daft posters who just see this thread in Active, only read the OP and spout crap.

Whereas Cabinfever is spot pn

@Grellbunt

And here they come, the daft posters who just see this thread in Active, only read the OP and spout crap.

Thanks

I did read many of the ops posts. But I didn't see that point addressed. Has it been?

It's been discussed at length!!!

By the op? I did see her concede that a live in nanny might not be ideal for her, but didn't see anything else related. But there are a lot of posts by her, so maybe I missed it.

@AdifferentGoat what you have realised is that he's in it for himself. He wants the prestige of his job, the money, the status, he wants a wife and child to improve his status and reputation of being successful and a family man providing this glorious £ lifestyle.

Sadly you are collateral damage. He doesn't truly love you - love is actions, he isn't concerned with your welfare just that the problem of who is looking after the baby is solved and he will throw £ after £ at that.

Carry on building your self up, regaining your esteem and independence. You are having a loving relationship with your DD, you are stronger than he will ever be. You will get there.

@AdifferentGoat Yesss!! Best update ever!

Just remember things will change but people might still default to trying to make you doubt yourself as it's worked in the past. Be strong. Remember you're in the right and be firm, don't let any residual guilt tripping or gaslighting get to you. Many people will try to make you second guess your boundaries because it's easier for them when you don't have any - remember this.

And good luck!

Thank you all for responses. It's really early here but wanted to update. I was up earlier with baby (she is teething), and I mentioned how tired I was. Grave mistake. He said he was just crushed at work and his schedule was jam-packed and he had been up working.
No he wasn't! He was fast asleep. I know because I was up Also what need was there to mention it. And then the long WhatsApp messages started, the droning on and on about the magnificent journey they were all on. The breakthroughs. The sacrifices. And then a slick roll in the baby room where he mentioned yet again how packed his day was and how he had no time. All because I asked him to hold the baby while I went to the bathroom.
Me: Husband I just need the bathroom. I'm not headed down to a 4 course dinner.
Husband: I know it's just that I have three minutes before the next call.
Me: I'll make it quick. I'll make sure my bladder cooperates with your schedule next time
Husband: Wife a bathroom break is okay. It's just a very busy time... The team.. The wins... Ah the loses... Against all odds... Hand on the wheel... Navigating the storm

I think he was still talking as I closed the bathroom door.

I wish I never married him.

And this is a SUNDAY. He is using it to get 'caught' up on a insane schedule that is cyclonic in nature. But just another 'few weeks' to power through. Then.. Yes then this magical land where balance shall be achieved shall be granted. I give up. If I had a penny for each time I have been given the 'a few weeks' lecture, I'd be a Russian oligarch swanning about in fur coats.

He certainly isn't going to change, he is the ever so very important person with penis.

You are pretty much a single parent so little is his contribution beyond money.

@RandomMess

You are pretty much a single parent so little is his contribution beyond money.

You are right. Thank you for all the supportive messages. It has taken me a while to accept this. I knew it but knowing and acceptance are two very things. It's either I accept this is who he is, accept the marriage for what it is or take the focus from that, withdraw and re-route the energy I have been using to try and reason with him to myself and strengthening my own position. What I am is just a box that was ticked. He doesn't respect me. I used to tell myself he did, desperately clinging on to memories but that's all they are, memories. And I'm working towards letting go. This isn't the life I want. I know I have been rambling quite a lot but it's helping me. I hope that is ok. Thank you again.

Let my story be a lesson to anyone who thinks you can change someone. You can't. Not unless they see the need for it. Don't spend years of your life banking on what was and what could be, just see the situation for what it is. Sometimes the answer won't be what you want but it is certainly a whole lot better than the life you will lead if you keep denying your own needs and wants in pursuit of wishful thinking.
A dismal note to end on but when I think about all the years I have spend waiting to one day be more than just someone on the outskirts of his reality, I want to shake myself. However it's all easier said in retrospect. I cannot change the past but I am going to try and ensure my future resembles one in which my feelings and needs matter to. One in which I am not just someone who needs to mould myself accordingly, stretch myself so thin trying to fit into the narrow vacuum I am alloted by the person who is supposed to love and respect me.
Thank you again everyone.

Glad it's helping you, acceptance is painful but empowering.

On a positive note he's too busy being full of himself he won't notice you withdrawing, strengthening or if you decide to leave planning your divorce from him.

A truly fantastic update.

I really hope you find a replacement nanny asap, but the boundaries you have put in, in the interim are great.

It is all slowly coming together for you but clearly your clarity is growing everyday.

I agree with every word of @RandomMess eloquent post.

I would like to add inelegantly that your husband reads as a POMPOUS, SELF ABSORBED, DULL, SELFISH, CLASS A PRICK.

I can only imagine that his selfish dismissal of you as a new mother, ENORMOUSLY contributed to your MH issues, if not caused it.

I commend you hugely for refusing to be patronised any longer by him.

He has assigned a role to you that suits his narrative and ego, so you can indeed expect him to push back against you now seeing him for who he is.

He is NOT a good man.
He is an appalling husband.

I'm really glad to read your thoughts on love.
Loving someone is not always a good thing.
Loving a person can be hugely disadvantageous when that person doesn't love you back and is happy to use your love against you.

Self preservation is a hugely important life skill to develop as is the ability to realise sometimes some people are just not good for us.

Your daughter is so lucky to have such a wonderful insightful, strong mother.

I know you have a very bright future ahead of you.

Keep posting updates when you feel able to.
They are most inspirational.

Wow this is a fantastic update in such a short space of time! Well done for standing up for yourself and putting your own feelings and needs first!

Your proactive attitude and renewed confidence is shining through in every post, hope you pass your probation and get the full employment, and that you find a replacement nanny soon! And hopefully in the near future you will be independent enough to walk away from this selfish excuse for a man with your beautiful daughter and your head held high

Thank you all. Since my last post, I have busied myself with my own work and the baby.
Today he tried to pick a fight with me as I took an hour to focus on some errands I had to run. Told me that it seemed I was judging him because I seem 'cold' towards him. I let him know that I am not being cold, that I am simply busy? He then said he didn't appreciate my tone and he knew I was judging him. All I could say was or rather show was

On other news, nanny of darkness asked if she could have a chat with me. This was after she had gone to my husband yet agin asking for an advance. Thankfully he listened to me and rerouted her to me. Since I was working, I sent her a message that if she continued this pattern of undermining my authority, she was free to leave. That I would not have someone in my home who seemed perpetually unhappy. She then changed her tune entirely and went on to tell me how much she loves working for me and to please forgive her if I ever felt disrespected. That her job with myself and my child is the best she has had
I told her I appreciate it but let's just leave it at that and both focus on our work. That seemed to do the trick. Since then she has been very gracious around me and the 'dark clouds' that followed her banished.
I think she sees I don't feel I 'need her' anymore and since she lives with us during the work week, she has probably clocked on to the reality I am no longer that person crying to myself in the throes while sporadically taking mouthfuls of vodka (at my worst). Nonetheless am still looking for someone else but for now arrangement is working okay.

It's very very early where I am so forgive the typos. It is not easy dealing with a sick baby and work