Do I need to get a grip when it comes to my nanny?

[AdifferentGoat]

Am fully ready to be told I am being a gigantic cow but figured I'd ask. So, just to quickly sum it up, I am finally back at work (part-time) but am working from home (long story but essentially I am searching for financial freedom). As many recommended since my husband works day and night and is able to contribute when it comes to child work, I hired a nanny to take care of my child while I work...
It all sounds nice and all. I should be ecstatic. I mean it is the ideal situation. I get to work and know my child is being taken care of... But I cannot STAND her. Something about her just rubs me the wrong way. I have felt this for the past few months but always chalked it up to me being oversensitive.
If I sound deranged, it's because I feel deranged! Let me give a few examples. I recently asked if she could please not change my daughter's diaper in the living room. The look she gave me was like I asked her to clean up the blood from a body I murdered. So then I figured, okay maybe I am being a little anal and kind gave it a rest. However last night I went out for the first time in MONTHS. I asked if she could sit her while I was out (I am of course paying her for the additional hours). My husband is traveling so I figured it would be safest to hire her for the evening vs someone new. So she comes over but didn't annouce her presence. I was playing with my child and shouting random songs (as you do) and nanny suddenly 'appears' (she has her own keys). I yelped as seriously thought a ghost had appeared. That and I was in my underwear assuming I was home alone!! I looked at her and said oh my I didn't know you were here! And she gave me a silent look and said 'Yes. Yes i have been here for a hour'. She seemed off (again) but figured I'd ask if she was okay. She said she was okay. I kind of left it at that and went out.
Anyway to finally get to the end of this convoluted post, am I crazy for assuming this woman has bad energy? The easiest solution is to find someone else but she has such a good relationship with my child and my child has bonded to her. That and I need to work! How do I just fire someone because they have bad vibes?? Maybe I am the issue? If you have read this far. Thank you. I just don't know what to do.

I don't see this situation improving much really, especially if you've already tried opening up communication with her. How old is she? Where does she go at weekends?

Whilst observing the legal niceties I think you need to terminate her contract and you can either make up a reason for that or tell her it's not working out. Find another nanny before your DC gets any more attached to someone you're not at ease with. Basically, you don't like her enough or trust her completely and you can't have that in your own home.

Have you ever considered asking her if she's OK? You keep posting about her moods, but perhaps she's suffering in some kind of way. Especially if she is having sufficient emergencies to keep needing an advance (assuming they're genuine, of course). She might be telling you she's happy with her job/role etc, but she could be very unhappy personally.

I think you'd be very, very unfair to fire her just because you don't like her - and legally I have no idea how you'd go about that.

@TeaStory

This sounds like a gothic novel with all the talk of ghosts, "dark energy" and a husband who is "away with the fairies".

I cannot blame you for stating that. However it is my reality. It is what I feel. I'm happy to be wrong. It's that I don't know what to do and I feel overwhelmed and I don't know. Many posters have suggested I interview on the side and I think that is what I will do. I guess I was just obsessed with focusing my work and distrustful of myself that I simply would not accept that I don't like our nanny. It may sound ridiculous to many but pain is relative.

OP,

I really think you need to stop beating yourself up.

It is very hard to have someone living in your home and this person is not a good fit.

That is the end of it.

Give her notice after you find a replacement.

Just do it.

Let this be a learning experience and lay down clear expectations and reviews for the next one.

Make a list of all that you should do in preparation for new interviews.

am I crazy for assuming this woman has bad energy?

Yes that's not a thing. You just don't like her.

I'm not sure why you automatically thought it was a ghost when she came into the room when that's also not a thing nd she lives with you. So you can't be surprised she saw you singing in your underwear if she lives there.

You're allowed not to like her. But just chalk it up to being different or your preferences rather than trying to blame her for not being they type of person to prefer.

@BIWI

Have you ever considered asking her if she's OK? You keep posting about her moods, but perhaps she's suffering in some kind of way. Especially if she is having sufficient emergencies to keep needing an advance (assuming they're genuine, of course). She might be telling you she's happy with her job/role etc, but she could be very unhappy personally.

I think you'd be very, very unfair to fire her just because you don't like her - and legally I have no idea how you'd go about that.

I have. In fact I gave her a loan as she stated a medical emergency for her family member. I even helped edit her daughter's cv etc and have given her days off when she was struggling with various family related issues. It's just that it is going on and on. We are all people, things come up and I understand that entirely. It is just I feel so uncomfortable as her moods are all over the place. You are right in how do you legally fire someone for not 'liking' them. I'm trying to figure out if there is a way I can stop myself from being so affected by it ie talk to her again and move forth. She needs this job so I feel guilty just firing.

Is she a ghost?!

Look - she's an employee. As long as she is doing her job well, and your DC likes her, then surely there's no issue? You're working, so you're not in her company very often. I'm sure you must have worked in places where there were other people you didn't like or get on with well - you just get on with it.

This isn't just what you have to suck up with a nanny. Some are a better fit than others- it's fine to let her go, adhering to notice period etc of course. But find another one first!

Also how do I just fire someone because I don't like their moodiness or avoidance of gaze?

You don't have to give reasons, but it's not just for that, is it? It's also things like the repeated requests for salary advances and the fact that she seems to overshare about her family and personal problems. But you can just tell her it's not working out for you.

Re the nappy changing. I find it odd that you asked her not to change the nappy in the lounge- unless perhaps it lead to there being poo on the carpet/ sofa? Maybe her confused look was because she was confused as to why you specified that?
I don’t find it odd at all. Why would you change a nappy in the living rooms? . While I understand some people do, it surely can’t have escaped your notice that many don’t.

I’d cut her hours to only when you are working and change to live out. It’s a big change so give her plenty of notice, but this level of input sounds too much.

@TeaStory

This sounds like a gothic novel with all the talk of ghosts, "dark energy" and a husband who is "away with the fairies".

Maybe English isn’t OPs first language?

It's time to let her go. I got to I can't STAND her and was out.

I used to be a nanny and it just will not work when the mother doesn't like the person looking after her child ffs

Sadly English is my first language but I am SO SO tired. Plus what's wrong with believing in dark energy or referring to ghosts

You sound like you are a little bit nervous of confronting this OP. However, it's not too demanding to expect an employee to have a positive attitude, especially in a job like this. I suggest you have a 'review' where you ask how she's getting on, and state your concerns. You also need to be clear that you will not be giving any advances on her salary in future. Make your expectations clear - i.e. you expect her to communicate verbally, have a positive attitude, let you know if she's in the house when you don't expect her to be there, do the washing in loads rather than single items - spell it all out for her. Write it down if you think that will help.

Remember you are paying her to do a job. Stop apologising and thanking her, and start managing her. I get that it is awkward but either she will step up and realise she can't go moping around and being passive aggressive - or she will leave. Win - win.

@AdifferentGoat

Sadly English is my first language but I am SO SO tired. Plus what's wrong with believing in dark energy or referring to ghosts

Well it's odd IMO to refer to living people such as your nanny and your husband as ghosts and as for dark energy, I have never referred to anyone in that way either, but both are possibly because you are much more poetic in the way you express yourself than I am. We are all different and that's fine.

Thank you all for advice. I am going to first talk to her next week and ask if there is something we can do to help her be happier when it comes to her work. Again, the easiest option for many would be to fire but my situation is such that if I don't have full time help, I cannot keep this job (I am also on probation). Not keeping this job means I am back on the market and who knows when I as a European can get a job in the US.
If anyone has further questions re why I keep referring to ghosts and dark energy feel free to ask. Plenty of stories to share 😂

Your instincts are screaming at you, the “good with baby” could be a complete ploy

What comes across here is that you have bent over backwards to be a model employer but she is constantly shifting the goal posts

Look for a live out, part time nanny. You can interview them at weekends and then give the notice to this nanny. Pay her notice period so she doesn’t need to work it and coordinate with the live out nanny to start when she’s gone.

This isn’t you. It really isn’t

Your PND is making you doubt yourself

You spend all that time with baby and a nanny in the mix, no husband to keep you company or distract etc, it’s all on you. That’s hard work. You MUST make sure YOU are happy with the arrangements you make, it’s the only control you get and that’s critical

Full time nanny, one to cover your hours etc

I think the issue with referring to ‘dark energy’ is it can kind of be a mask to what the actual issue is.

So you might just say someone has ‘bad vibes/dark energy’ and it gives you a crutch so you don’t look into what it is that’s actually bothering you, which might be that she makes you uncomfortable with her behaviour or something similar.

For me it would be the personal issues/salary stuff. I would feel she was taking advantage and being unprofessional rather than dark energy.

What is it with all the nanny posts lately? She's a live-in 😂 can't believe you want her to 'announce' herself. Much like the previous poster a couple days ago, you sound like hard work. As a nanny we are based in the living space, and I use a change mat to change nappies, poo rarely even gets on that so don't know why you're being so extra. Good grief.