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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Accepting DSDad’s religious beliefs.

253 replies

Niffler92 · 17/09/2021 11:12

My step dad has always been a believer and attended church. His last church was lovely and open, all guitars and clapping. He’s started going to a new church who are homophobic as a gay person I find this hard, they campaign against equal marriage, adoption for gay people, gay families and education about gay issues in schools. This is very hard for me as a gay person who campaigned for these rights, he also has niece who has a baby with her wife.

They also are anti choice and anti sex and babies out of marriage. Oh and preach about having as many babies as ‘god gives you’. In his previous church I always said my DD could go if she wanted to, now it’d be a cold day in hell before I left her go to THAT church!

My mum condones and excuses what they preach by saying he doesn’t understand that that’s what they believe.

How do I reconcile my own beliefs with what his church preaches?

OP posts:
Balonzette · 17/09/2021 11:15

Do you need to? Can you not respect one another's beliefs and agree to disagree and simply not discuss the issue? I know everyone hates Christians these days, but your stepfather has as much a right to his beliefs as anyone else. If you don't like it then don't have a relationship with him?

Balonzette · 17/09/2021 11:17

(I'm not saying 'everyone hates Christians' as a dig to you, btw, just in response to all the anti-Christian comments which are about to flood this thread, knowing Mumsnet)

Cutabove · 17/09/2021 11:17

I'd go low contact. I wouldn't want my daughter to be exposed to homophobia, especially with a gay parent.

Cutabove · 17/09/2021 11:18

@Balonzette

Do you need to? Can you not respect one another's beliefs and agree to disagree and simply not discuss the issue? I know everyone hates Christians these days, but your stepfather has as much a right to his beliefs as anyone else. If you don't like it then don't have a relationship with him?
Why should OP respect her father's homophobia? Should racist beliefs also be respected?
Original poster
Niffler92 · 17/09/2021 11:19

I definitely don’t hate Christians I can agree to disagree on the basic god stuff. I even occasionally went to his church when it was important to him, like at Christmas, despite not believing Jesus was born in the 25th Dec. It’s the more extreme views this church preaches that I struggle with.

OP posts:
Original poster
Niffler92 · 17/09/2021 11:20

It’a hard to go low contact as I love my step dad and we’ve always been close.

OP posts:
Original poster
Niffler92 · 17/09/2021 11:22

@Balonzette

(I'm not saying 'everyone hates Christians' as a dig to you, btw, just in response to all the anti-Christian comments which are about to flood this thread, knowing Mumsnet)
I am definitely not anti Christian in fact in his last church I really wished I shared there beliefs as I really wanted to be part of their ‘family’.
OP posts:
HarrietsChariot · 17/09/2021 11:23

I think you need to accept that people are allowed to hold views that you disagree with or potentially find offensive. I have strong views on various "controversial" topics (eg the death penalty and firearms) but I'm happy to hear other peoples' points of view, provided they are reasonably polite and preferably have thought about why they have them.

It's how society works, no two people think exactly the same on every issue. Our society allows for freedom of thought, if not freedom of action.

Your case makes a good example. A few decades ago you would have been the "controversial" one in supporting gay marriage, gay adoption and gay rights in general. Many, perhaps most, people would have found your point of view ludicrous and offensive. But people were allowed to campaign and were allowed to hold the views you hold now, even when homosexuality was illegal. (It didn't get decriminalised because nobody wanted it to be, the law changed because people demanded it.)

What's happening with your DSD is simply the opposite, a person whose beliefs are out of step with the majority of people of the day. It's no more wrong for him to have his views than it is for you to have yours, provided that everyone acts within the boundaries of law. Law restricts actions, not beliefs.

If law could restrict thoughts then we'd be in a very dark place indeed. Live and let live, would be my advice. You don't have to agree with someone on every issue to get on with them.

Original poster
Niffler92 · 17/09/2021 11:26

I think the thing I find ridiculous is that I am probably with my mum on this I don’t think he knows a lot of what his new church believes in.

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 17/09/2021 11:27

Other peoples religions are always a tough subejct in families. I am very much a live and let live - BUT don't preach your religion to me as I don't want it.

That said I would be clear to him that you disagree with his new church's preachings and why. I would not expect any of the more extreme views to be mentioned at family events. General standard christian church yes - homophobic nonsense no way. And I would also be clear that your daughter will never be allowed to attend said church. Beyond that I think he has to be allowed to live his life as you live yours - but you can choose how much you engage with him depending on his response I guess!

girlmom21 · 17/09/2021 11:28

Why don't you just agree to not discuss church or religion?

INeed2P · 17/09/2021 11:28

@HarrietsChariot I think you've worded that better than I have ever seen before! Totally agree

LittleOwl153 · 17/09/2021 11:30

Have you gathered some information about the church he belongs to and sat down with him and explained what he has got into? Perhaps if he isn't fully aware then laying it out to him might encourage him to go back to the other church or find another new one if the current one isn't actually what he thinks it is? the problem with this I guess is you might find out a side of him you don't want to spend time with...

secular39 · 17/09/2021 11:33

A lot of people are not anti sex outside of marriage, but a lot don't agree with having babies after marriage shrug.

A lot of people have different views and hold very strong views- as long as there's respect on both sides - I don't see the issue. Some churches are very open to gay people, some are not- the Bible does forbid gay relationships- doesn't make it right but then I understand that that's the majority of what Christians believe but they still have gay friends, gay colleagues and are very respectful to them. I had children before marriage and I have friends who are very very opposed to having children out of wed lock, but they are still nice to me, my kids, we hang out, we talk..

fallfallfall · 17/09/2021 11:33

Has he changed religion? Or same religion different church? Is it the pastor?

Original poster
Niffler92 · 17/09/2021 11:39

@LittleOwl153

Have you gathered some information about the church he belongs to and sat down with him and explained what he has got into? Perhaps if he isn't fully aware then laying it out to him might encourage him to go back to the other church or find another new one if the current one isn't actually what he thinks it is? the problem with this I guess is you might find out a side of him you don't want to spend time with...
Its all in the magazine of the wider church which he receives monthly, that’s what led to me finding out about their beliefs.

He doesn’t read it though I don’t think and says his church has ‘nice people’, nice people with hateful beliefs?

That then led to an interesting conversation about would be have mentioned his niece and wife’s new baby in church versus the baby of his niece and nephew he couldn’t answer that, which probably said it all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Niffler92 · 17/09/2021 11:40

They are both Christian churches but Christian Fellowship v Scottish Free church.

OP posts:
TiredSloth · 17/09/2021 11:44

You don't have to agree with someone on every issue to get on with them.

@HarrietsChariot would you say the same about someone spouting vile racist views?

These ‘issues’ aren’t light breezy topics, they are telling large groups of people that they shouldn’t be allowed to be happy, live in peace and have the same rights as everyone else. Throughout history people have had to fight for equal rights, such as women getting the vote. We recognise now that of course women should have equal right to vote and anyone gathering together to say they shouldn’t would be thought of as preposterous. Just the same as a group gathering together to say that gay people shouldn’t be able to get married is preposterous (and damaging).

Ancientcistern · 17/09/2021 11:46

Is he making his homophobic views known around your daughter?

nanbread · 17/09/2021 11:47

Posters here are talking about "respecting" these views - how can the OP respect a view that she and other gay people shouldn't have the same human rights as another person?

It's not a view that deserves any respect in any civilised society.

Would you respect a religion that thought black people shouldn't have kids, or that women shouldn't be allowed to talk in public, or that anyone over 40 shouldn't have sex?

Bobsyer · 17/09/2021 11:47

I don’t really understand what you mean by ‘he doesn’t understand what they believe’? Does he have special needs? Are you not able to have a frank conversation with him that it makes you really uncomfortable as a gay woman that he’s associated with such a church?

TheRebelle · 17/09/2021 11:49

You don’t have to reconcile your beliefs with his church, you say to him “look, you can believe what you like but I don’t respect your beliefs, I don’t want my child exposed to your church and I’m not going to get into a discussion with you about it.”

Ozanj · 17/09/2021 11:49

I would personally go very low contact.

Bobsyer · 17/09/2021 11:50

Have just seen your updates.

So what he’s saying is that yes, the church as a whole might be homophobic, but the people he knows don’t spout homophobic stuff so he overlooks the backbone beliefs of this church, even though they directly impact both his step daughter and his niece?

Personally I would say that to him. That it feels like he’s not willing to stand up for his own beliefs even if it directly affects people he loves. And that you’re not sure how to deal with it as it really upsets you, but you love him.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 17/09/2021 11:51

I've gone LC with a lot of my family due to issues like this, they go to a similar church and I just can't sit and listen to what they come out with.