Accepting DSDad’s religious beliefs.

[Niffler92]

My step dad has always been a believer and attended church. His last church was lovely and open, all guitars and clapping. He’s started going to a new church who are homophobic as a gay person I find this hard, they campaign against equal marriage, adoption for gay people, gay families and education about gay issues in schools. This is very hard for me as a gay person who campaigned for these rights, he also has niece who has a baby with her wife.

They also are anti choice and anti sex and babies out of marriage. Oh and preach about having as many babies as ‘god gives you’. In his previous church I always said my DD could go if she wanted to, now it’d be a cold day in hell before I left her go to THAT church!

My mum condones and excuses what they preach by saying he doesn’t understand that that’s what they believe.

How do I reconcile my own beliefs with what his church preaches?

Homosexuality is not compatible with Christianity though. Although some churches might not be vocal against it- the whole belief system starts from a premise of belief in God, our creator who designed men and women with specific purposes. If you dont believe in God you wont be able to understand your stepdads beliefs. The reason why homosexuality is wrong from a religious perspective is it undermines the male and female roles according to God's design. It undermines the union of husband and wife which Christians believe to be sacred. Christians believe fathers and mothers are required to make a family. Its not as simple as why cant a woman love a woman. Maybe they can but two women cant produce a child naturally and some would argue cant replace a father and a mother in a family unit.

There are lots of Christians and churches who don't hold these views. I'd wonder why he wouldn't just choose to go to one of them instead. It seems like he hasn't thought through the consequences of his choice, at all.

Religion is the root of all evil. Its just pure hatred towards anyone who doesn't have the same beliefs

Rubbish. While some people and their religions have caused or perpetrated great evils, many social reforms only came about because people followed their religious convictions to drive through reforms.

The prisons are full of murderers, realists, abusers, burglars etc who have no affiliation to any religious group at all.

People - religious or not - are responsible for the bad that they do. People also distort and interpret religious teaching to justify their inhumanity - but the main religions of the world preach peace, tolerance and compassion.

realists - rapists! Auto correct

@Mistyplanet

Homosexuality is not compatible with Christianity though. Although some churches might not be vocal against it- the whole belief system starts from a premise of belief in God, our creator who designed men and women with specific purposes. If you dont believe in God you wont be able to understand your stepdads beliefs. The reason why homosexuality is wrong from a religious perspective is it undermines the male and female roles according to God's design. It undermines the union of husband and wife which Christians believe to be sacred. Christians believe fathers and mothers are required to make a family. Its not as simple as why cant a woman love a woman. Maybe they can but two women cant produce a child naturally and some would argue cant replace a father and a mother in a family unit.

Plenty of Christians are not homophobic. Many that are just use it as an excuse to justify existing bigotry. Hence them not campaigning to make it illegal for infertile people to get married.

@girlmom21

Why don't you just agree to not discuss church or religion?

Wise words. Thank you.

@saraclara

A calm conversation is needed here.

Tell him again that you've read that magazine and that you're really concerned that he does to a church where he has to be ashamed of you. That thinks that who you are is sinful, and that's his SGD shouldn't have been born.
Tell him you know he's not really homophobic, and that you love him. But that you find it really hard that he's part of this church, that he's perished to accept what they believe, and that you worry that its beliefs could influence him.

Remind him that you used to go to his old church, but that you couldn't possibly expose your DD to this new one.

See how it goes from there.

This ^^ Is this kind of thought process new to him (not understanding the ramifications of something but going along with friends) or is it new? Is your Mum worried?

You don't have to reconcile your beliefs. Or hide them or deny who you are.

The tricky bit is, neither does he. You feel you've won the right to express your beliefs and not hide who you are. NEWS FLASH, you won those rights for him too.

@Mistyplanet

Homosexuality is not compatible with Christianity though. Although some churches might not be vocal against it- the whole belief system starts from a premise of belief in God, our creator who designed men and women with specific purposes. If you dont believe in God you wont be able to understand your stepdads beliefs. The reason why homosexuality is wrong from a religious perspective is it undermines the male and female roles according to God's design. It undermines the union of husband and wife which Christians believe to be sacred. Christians believe fathers and mothers are required to make a family. Its not as simple as why cant a woman love a woman. Maybe they can but two women cant produce a child naturally and some would argue cant replace a father and a mother in a family unit.

I don't think that's correct. Not all Christian groups believe that God's design is only for the cis gendered hetero people. The counter argument is that God made ALL of us, knows us all completely (not a sparrow falls) and that God does not make mistakes. God make us all the way he planned and we all have a place in his plan.

Wer ae allowed to to be anti religion on here.
Op you don't have need to be reconcile it and as long as he's the same with you I wouldn't bother about it.
If he starts to try and change you or be negative then you can think about further action

@Mistyplanet

Homosexuality is not compatible with Christianity though. Although some churches might not be vocal against it- the whole belief system starts from a premise of belief in God, our creator who designed men and women with specific purposes. If you dont believe in God you wont be able to understand your stepdads beliefs. The reason why homosexuality is wrong from a religious perspective is it undermines the male and female roles according to God's design. It undermines the union of husband and wife which Christians believe to be sacred. Christians believe fathers and mothers are required to make a family. Its not as simple as why cant a woman love a woman. Maybe they can but two women cant produce a child naturally and some would argue cant replace a father and a mother in a family unit.

But if gay people are not God's design are you saying that divine being made a mistake? Because I thought God was infallible. Or are you saying gay people were created by someone else? Who? Does his name start with an L? You can see the road we are going down here. Personally, I am glad my devoutly Catholic Grandmother taught me that we are all beloved by God and all God's children. There was no 'wrong' in her God's eyes. Now THAT is Christianity - peace and love, not "do you fit in this square?"

@holibobs12

As much as I understand why this would upset you, I do think people pick on Christians a bit. Most Muslims and other religious people won't support the things you listed. Would you go NC if you found out your friend or family member was Muslim?

Maybe just talk him out of the campaigning, or just talk to him. As I say, most religious people, period, don't like the things you listed. He's entitled to his views and the real problem should be the active lobbying against things like gay marriage

I've got Muslim friends and colleagues, and they just turn a blind eye to the teachings about homosexuality when it comes to other people.

Their attitude is it's ok for others, but not for them. Just as well, really, in the case of the colleagues, I reckon at least a third of our workforce are gay.

So easy to accuse someone who is not here to listen. Or respond. And so unfair.
In effect three pages of gossip?

@Mistyplanet

Homosexuality is not compatible with Christianity though. Although some churches might not be vocal against it- the whole belief system starts from a premise of belief in God, our creator who designed men and women with specific purposes. If you dont believe in God you wont be able to understand your stepdads beliefs. The reason why homosexuality is wrong from a religious perspective is it undermines the male and female roles according to God's design. It undermines the union of husband and wife which Christians believe to be sacred. Christians believe fathers and mothers are required to make a family. Its not as simple as why cant a woman love a woman. Maybe they can but two women cant produce a child naturally and some would argue cant replace a father and a mother in a family unit.

Someone wasn't listening to Jesus, or even the Old Testament. Genesis 1:27, God made man in his own image. John 13:3 "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. 35 By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” He didn't say, except the gays, did he?

YOUR kind of christianity may not be compatible, that does not mean lots of Christianity isn't. You can't comment on the belief system of all christians, but I can tell you that the comments you have made are completely wrong.
If god designed men and women and gays undermine them, why did your god design gays? Seems unlikely.

Stop talking for all Christians, speak only for your bigoted self.

@Mistyplanet

Homosexuality is not compatible with Christianity though. Although some churches might not be vocal against it- the whole belief system starts from a premise of belief in God, our creator who designed men and women with specific purposes. If you dont believe in God you wont be able to understand your stepdads beliefs. The reason why homosexuality is wrong from a religious perspective is it undermines the male and female roles according to God's design. It undermines the union of husband and wife which Christians believe to be sacred. Christians believe fathers and mothers are required to make a family. Its not as simple as why cant a woman love a woman. Maybe they can but two women cant produce a child naturally and some would argue cant replace a father and a mother in a family unit.

@Mistyplanet

You're a Muslim, how are you suddenly an expert on what Christians believe?

I hope you dont teach your children that crap about homosexuality being wrong.

@CBroads

Religion is the root of all evil. Its just pure hatred towards anyone who doesn't have the same beliefs. Every war that has ever come to be has had something to do with religion. Its outdated, the teachings are so old, nothing from the modern world is taken into account.

I find it disgusting that religions slate gay people for living their lives and loving who ever they love but the religious preachers are out there fucking kids? And everyone turns a blind eye? This whole world is backwards.

That’s my starting point which is why I need help on having this conversation in a sensible way as it will no doubt come up again when he asks DD if she’s coming to Sunday school.

@SoloISland

So easy to accuse someone who is not here to listen. Or respond. And so unfair. In effect three pages of gossip?

Surely that’s the point of 99% of posts on here.

No my mum isn’t worried she thinks he really doesn’t ‘get’ the issues that this particular church would bring up.

Well you can imagine what such a church would say about your daughter if she vocalises her parentage....

@LakieLady

Yeah, that's what I mean. They don't believe in homosexuality as in they don't condone gay marriage etc. To me, that's fair enough, to have the idea that others can do what they want, even if you don't personally approve.

Not all religious people are hateful, but it's pretty standard that practicing Muslims/Christians will be against the topics listed in the OP. Your post basically backs up what I'm saying, that is only a problem if there's active preachiness, condemning to hell, protesting against rights etc.

Anyone who chooses to spend time with homophobic people, let alone resonates with them, are not welcome in my life. There are many lovely christians who are accepting of all people. Whether that's so they get into heaven or because they genuinely feel it, they are still doing a better job than the openly phobic ones.

If he thinks of himself as a good christian he'll find a nicer church but as he's chosen this one it suggests he's a shit christian and you don't need to accept his beliefs.

I'm sorry you're in this position, you deserve better.

Not all religious people are hateful, but it's pretty standard that practicing Muslims/Christians will be against the topics listed in the OP

It's not really. Most people I know are christians and a good few are muslims, and my experience suggests a tiny number of them are against any of them.

I’m not sure why he left to be honest. There was a strange mix of him being unsure about there set up and the next thing being back in with them. I think he joined this one because he knew people who went there.

Sounds like he's switched to his current church simply because he wants to be part of a community with people he knows - sing hymns with friendly/recognisable faces, go to church social events without feeling isolated, etc.

A potential solution might be to find a nicer church yourself and suggest he goes there with you (or some other obliging family/friends). For some people, a big part of attending church is the community thing - more social than religious. (Obviously, some people attend church purely for religious beliefs; this is about OP's dad and not churchgoers in general.)

It's like... would you go to the chess club where you feel like a lonely outsider or the chess club that has your friendly neighbours who invite you to their coffee mornings - even if Fred and Patty next-door think condiments other than salt-and-pepper are sinful? You know all the basic chess moves by heart so you don't bother reading the manual at the new club and never actually see the lifetime ban for anyone who consumes sriracha. It's fun, everyone knows your name and is super chatty, coffee mornings don't involve condiments so the sriracha never comes up although you do wonder why there's only one type of sugar... but, your daughter now thinks chess is a bad influence and you have a vague feeling you shouldn't mention her BBQs in case mustard is secretly controversial.

That’s my starting point which is why I need help on having this conversation in a sensible way as it will no doubt come up again when he asks DD if she’s coming to Sunday school.

Just tell him that your DD will not be going to Sunday school as you disagree with his church's stance on homosexuality.

@Balonzette

Do you need to? Can you not respect one another's beliefs and agree to disagree and simply not discuss the issue? I know everyone hates Christians these days, but your stepfather has as much a right to his beliefs as anyone else. If you don't like it then don't have a relationship with him?

Er, you don't have a "right to a belief" when it harms the people involved.

Actively campaigning against gay marriage when you have TWO gay relatives is not only short sighted but offensive.