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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Accepting DSDad’s religious beliefs.

253 replies

Niffler92 · 17/09/2021 11:12

My step dad has always been a believer and attended church. His last church was lovely and open, all guitars and clapping. He’s started going to a new church who are homophobic as a gay person I find this hard, they campaign against equal marriage, adoption for gay people, gay families and education about gay issues in schools. This is very hard for me as a gay person who campaigned for these rights, he also has niece who has a baby with her wife.

They also are anti choice and anti sex and babies out of marriage. Oh and preach about having as many babies as ‘god gives you’. In his previous church I always said my DD could go if she wanted to, now it’d be a cold day in hell before I left her go to THAT church!

My mum condones and excuses what they preach by saying he doesn’t understand that that’s what they believe.

How do I reconcile my own beliefs with what his church preaches?

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 17/09/2021 16:10

My mum condones and excuses what they preach by saying he doesn’t understand that that’s what they believe.

Ouch, that must really sting OP.
Nobody is too stupid to notice that they have changed churches, & the one they have chosen is actively homophobic.
Your mum's stance is ... odd. She's deep in denial, or lying.

How do I reconcile my own beliefs with what his church preaches?

You absolutely don't.
You have no need to reconcile anything.
You are not responsible for your stepdad's (& by default, your mother's) toxic belief system.
If you choose to keep the peace, make sure you have practiced some good Grey Rock phrases to roll out on repeat if he starts airing any poison around you or your DC.
www.e-counseling.com/mental-health/what-is-the-grey-rock-method/

He's unlikely to change his views, but it must be very, very hard to be around him. Personally, I would be challenging how he can attend a church that discriminates & campaigns against gay folk. It is HE who needs to "reconcile" his beliefs, not you. How he can go along with this church when his own stepchild is gay is beyond me.
However, you may feel it's wiser not to try & educate him or appeal to reason. It must be so uncomfortable for you, I'm sorry he is an arse & your mother is coming up with bullshit excuses about it.

Flowers
ChargingBuck · 17/09/2021 16:19

@Balonzette

Do you need to? Can you not respect one another's beliefs and agree to disagree and simply not discuss the issue? I know everyone hates Christians these days, but your stepfather has as much a right to his beliefs as anyone else. If you don't like it then don't have a relationship with him?
Christ on a bike. And yeah - that's a deliberate goad, to a bloody ignorant post.

I don't "hate Christians" - I despise homophobic bigots.

your stepfather has as much a right to his beliefs as anyone else
He doesn't, in fact.
Hostile homophobic statements of the type this church promote are illegal if they "incite hatred on grounds of sexual orientation".

secular39 · 17/09/2021 16:58

@ManifestDestinee

Not all religious people are hateful, but it's pretty standard that practicing Muslims/Christians will be against the topics listed in the OP

It's not really. Most people I know are christians and a good few are muslims, and my experience suggests a tiny number of them are against any of them.

Ummm they probably don't say it outright as it's socially unacceptable.
ManifestDestinee · 17/09/2021 17:15

Ummm they probably don't say it outright as it's socially unacceptable

Ummm, you can tell from people's behaviour if they are thinking it without saying so. They wouldn't hang out with their gay friends, go to gay weddings, help with the campaign for gay weddings, be supportive of gay issues.

ManifestDestinee · 17/09/2021 17:16

My mum condones and excuses what they preach by saying he doesn’t understand that that’s what they believe.

Lol, so according to her, he's joined a hate filled bigoted church, but it's ok because he's too stupid to realise it?
Kinda funny.

Ionlydomassiveones · 17/09/2021 17:22

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Original poster
Niffler92 · 17/09/2021 17:57

The situation with my mum is an odd one as well yes she says he doesn’t really see the issues but she’s also slightly homophobic in her own way though she’d never see it that way but I have found out recently she’s gone out of her way to not tell people the truth about my relationships or my daughters conception, obviously people she knew when my daughter was born knew that I was in a long term relationship with a woman at that point but since I’ve been single (10 years) she’s regularly told people my daughters father ‘isn’t on the scene’ which is technically true but………

OP posts:
daisyjgrey · 17/09/2021 18:35

@Niffler92

That's a really shit move from your mum ☹️

ZenNudist · 17/09/2021 21:59

Sounds like you're overthinking this. If you Don't think he's homophobic forget it. Churches aren't hive minds. People don't all think alike.

If you are concerned he is homophobic you could bring it up. Say you have seen he is now keeping anti-gay literature around the house and does he agree?

You could also say that it's a shame he's found such a alienating church as you and dd were willing to come to the last one but won't go anywhere near this. I should imagine that will make him think if nothing else because if he cares for you he will want you to be more interested not alienated. Don't expect to change church over thus.

PurBal · 17/09/2021 22:04

This is horrific OP. I empathise because my brother goes to this kind of church (whereas I go to those who are part of the inclusive church movement) and it’s horrible hearing him spout homophobic, sexist crap.

PurBal · 17/09/2021 22:05

@Ionlydomassiveones

“Just tell him that your DD will not be going to Sunday school as you disagree with his church's stance on homosexuality.”

Yep this. Jesus said there was only one golden rule to love God and treat your neighbour as yourself. I never get how supposed Christians who are homophobic can reconcile this and say they follow Christ’s teachings. They don’t.

All of this
Bitofachinwag · 17/09/2021 22:06

nice people with hateful beliefs?
How are his beliefs examples of hate? Having an opinion you don't agree with doesn"t make it hate.

RicherThanYew · 17/09/2021 22:09

If he's homophobic etc in future and is obnoxious about it, simply point out that the most important rule of Christianity is love. (I say that as a Catholic, there shouldn't be any room for hatred in faith).

daisyjgrey · 18/09/2021 00:23

@Bitofachinwag

nice people with hateful beliefs? How are his beliefs examples of hate? Having an opinion you don't agree with doesn"t make it hate.

Well when they're unsolicited and directed at a body of people who are just living their lives, it's hate speech.

So, it's hateful. Not opinions. Hateful.

timeisnotaline · 18/09/2021 00:31

I do think you can calmly say your church teaches gay people like me are evil sinners so dd and I won’t ever be attending anything at it.

CroutonsCroutons · 18/09/2021 00:48

I think you need to tell him how uncomfortable this makes you feel. And if he really is dim enough to not understand the beliefs of his new church, spell it out to him. Then take it from there. Sending love as it must be very upsetting for you.

Stompythedinosaur · 18/09/2021 09:08

I know you feel you're close, but I'm not sure how you can be if he supports a viewpoint that is opposed to your existence!

Or is he saying he isn't homophobic and doesn't share the view of his church?

bathsh3ba · 18/09/2021 09:26

If anyone wants to see the sheer variety of views in just the Church of England on many of these matters, just google Living in Love and Faith. There is a really wide spectrum of views but underlying all of them is the fact that God loves everyone but does not necessarily love all of their choices as to how to behave. And that goes for Christians, non-Christians and people of all sexualities.

I'd be interested to know what his church were actually saying, as while some churches definitely are very unChristian in their approach, others can be misinterpreted.

However surely the important thing here is what he believes and how he behaves rather than the church he chooses to go to?

bathsh3ba · 18/09/2021 09:30

Also, I've known some very fundamentalist Christians but I've never known anyone to be opposed to the 'existence' of gay people. I'd like to understand your logic in working that out.

MrsSkylerWhite · 18/09/2021 09:36

INeed2P

@HarrietsChariot I think you've worded that better than I have ever seen before! Totally agree“

Yes, all very tolerant and liberal. Until you get to the bit about effectively agreeing to differ.
Pretty big ask when the people OP’s stepfather is choosing to mix with believe OP basically shouldn’t exist.

No, some “opinions” are simply unacceptable.

Would you agree with the same arguments if they were supporting racist opinions?

EmeraldShamrock · 18/09/2021 09:38

It's sad his beliefs can't see love is love.
As you love him I'd talk to him, life isn't black or white.
Many Christians see love as love, my DM and her Sisters who regularly attended church voted for same sex marriage and pro choice in the referendums.
They voted no to abortion in 1992.
It is possible to love God and move with the times be respectful to people's lives.

rhonddacynontaf · 18/09/2021 09:39

@Mistyplanet

Homosexuality is not compatible with Christianity though. Although some churches might not be vocal against it- the whole belief system starts from a premise of belief in God, our creator who designed men and women with specific purposes. If you dont believe in God you wont be able to understand your stepdads beliefs. The reason why homosexuality is wrong from a religious perspective is it undermines the male and female roles according to God's design. It undermines the union of husband and wife which Christians believe to be sacred. Christians believe fathers and mothers are required to make a family. Its not as simple as why cant a woman love a woman. Maybe they can but two women cant produce a child naturally and some would argue cant replace a father and a mother in a family unit.
Get a load of Misty over here, parachuting in from 1965... Hmm
MrsSkylerWhite · 18/09/2021 09:43

Mistyplanet
Homosexuality is not compatible with Christianity though. Although some churches might not be vocal against it- the whole belief system starts from a premise of belief in God, our creator who designed men and women with specific purposes. If you dont believe in God you wont be able to understand your stepdads beliefs. The reason why homosexuality is wrong from a religious perspective is it undermines the male and female roles according to God's design. It undermines the union of husband and wife which Christians believe to be sacred. Christians believe fathers and mothers are required to make a family. Its not as simple as why cant a woman love a woman. Maybe they can but two women cant produce a child naturally and some would argue cant replace a father and a mother in a family unit.“

Hogwash.

You’re willing to believe in a wooly idea, a non-specific thing that no-one has seen but not willing to believe that thing would love every person it supposedly created?

MordinVasNormandy · 18/09/2021 12:39

@Bitofachinwag

nice people with hateful beliefs? How are his beliefs examples of hate? Having an opinion you don't agree with doesn"t make it hate.
How is thinking homosexuality is wrong and actively campaigning against gay marriage not hateful?
Simonjt · 18/09/2021 12:47

If he wasn’t homophobic he wouldn’t support a homophobic church, its like being in the KKK and claiming not to be racist.

My birth family were similar, I ditched them, family aren’t people you share DNA with, they’re peoplr who love you and the best for you. Sometimes they also share DNA with you, sometimes they don’t.