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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Accepting DSDad’s religious beliefs.

253 replies

Niffler92 · 17/09/2021 11:12

My step dad has always been a believer and attended church. His last church was lovely and open, all guitars and clapping. He’s started going to a new church who are homophobic as a gay person I find this hard, they campaign against equal marriage, adoption for gay people, gay families and education about gay issues in schools. This is very hard for me as a gay person who campaigned for these rights, he also has niece who has a baby with her wife.

They also are anti choice and anti sex and babies out of marriage. Oh and preach about having as many babies as ‘god gives you’. In his previous church I always said my DD could go if she wanted to, now it’d be a cold day in hell before I left her go to THAT church!

My mum condones and excuses what they preach by saying he doesn’t understand that that’s what they believe.

How do I reconcile my own beliefs with what his church preaches?

OP posts:
daisyjgrey · 18/09/2021 13:23

@MrsSkylerWhite

Very much enjoying the use of "hogwash" in this situation by the way.

HalzTangz · 18/09/2021 13:43

@Niffler92

I think the thing I find ridiculous is that I am probably with my mum on this I don’t think he knows a lot of what his new church believes in.
Then why don't you discuss what the church message is so he fully understands.
MordinVasNormandy · 18/09/2021 18:32

@Balonzette

Do you need to? Can you not respect one another's beliefs and agree to disagree and simply not discuss the issue? I know everyone hates Christians these days, but your stepfather has as much a right to his beliefs as anyone else. If you don't like it then don't have a relationship with him?
Would you say the same if they were racist beliefs?
mustlovegin · 18/09/2021 21:05

It's wrong how the word 'hate' is often bandied about on these threads in order to disqualify a different opinion and shut down debate.

Not agreeing on a certain topic does not equal 'hate'

OP, all that matters is that everyone in your family can coexist in a respectful and tolerant environment. If this is the case, each of you is entitled to hold different views and that's fine

mustlovegin · 18/09/2021 23:40

a person whose beliefs are out of step with the majority of people of the day

Nobody has the right to force their opinion on others just because it's supposed to be shared by the majority.

Also nobody knows what 'the majority' think. Each of us know what we believe and that's it. Those who are supposedly 'influential' and some media can parrot all they like and create a false sense of consensus and acceptance. It doesn't mean that the majority are in agreement.

daisyjgrey · 19/09/2021 00:01

@mustlovegin

It's wrong how the word 'hate' is often bandied about on these threads in order to disqualify a different opinion and shut down debate.

Not agreeing on a certain topic does not equal 'hate'

OP, all that matters is that everyone in your family can coexist in a respectful and tolerant environment. If this is the case, each of you is entitled to hold different views and that's fine

I don't really agree. If someone has opinions that mean the person I choose to have an adult consenting relationship with is the difference between whether they think my life style is acceptable or not, then I don't want to coexist peacefully with them.

If a member of my family thought that my sexual orientation was fundamentally wrong and then I've no desire to put a pretence.

And 'hate' is used in these contexts because homophobia and racism etc is classified as 'hate speech'. No body has been arrested and the charge sheet has said "has an opinion".

MasterBeth · 19/09/2021 00:05

@Mistyplanet

Homosexuality is not compatible with Christianity though. Although some churches might not be vocal against it- the whole belief system starts from a premise of belief in God, our creator who designed men and women with specific purposes. If you dont believe in God you wont be able to understand your stepdads beliefs. The reason why homosexuality is wrong from a religious perspective is it undermines the male and female roles according to God's design. It undermines the union of husband and wife which Christians believe to be sacred. Christians believe fathers and mothers are required to make a family. Its not as simple as why cant a woman love a woman. Maybe they can but two women cant produce a child naturally and some would argue cant replace a father and a mother in a family unit.
So why God the Creator create gay men and lesbians, unless he is a) a prick or b) not real?
TooBigForMyBoots · 19/09/2021 00:36

If someone has opinions that mean the person I choose to have an adult consenting relationship with is the difference between whether they think my life style is acceptable or not, then I don't want to coexist peacefully with them.

What do you mean? What is the alternative to coexist peacefully?

Balonzette · 19/09/2021 01:01

OP, I didn't mean that you were anti-Christian. I mean that a lot of MN posters hate Christians so I was expecting a lot of comments on here shouting him down for his beliefs. I also wasn't trying to be flippant which, reading back my post, I did come across, and I'm sorry for that! I was being genuine whether I asked whether you have to actually come to terms with his beliefs, but my post sounded like I was saying you're unreasonable for questioning them, which of course you aren't. It must be really difficult. But what I'm saying is, can you and he not just agree not to discuss it at all? I assume he wants a relationship with you?

I know that these days it's very unpopular to stick to biblical Christian beliefs and many people like to remove the parts of Christianity that don't fit in with today's society, but it sounds like you stepfather wants to follow the bible rather than fit in with society, and he will probably have a really hard time doing that, but he's sticking by his beliefs.

If you two want a relationship then you're probably going to need to put aside your fundamental differences and agree that it's just something that can't be discussed, at all, while you're together.

Or stop having a relationship.

They're you're only choices I think.

mustlovegin · 19/09/2021 06:47

No body has been arrested and the charge sheet has said "has an opinion"

Maybe you should try to understand the law.

Nobody will get arrested for having a different opinion, otherwise all religious people (60% of the UK) would be, and it's simply not the case. Everyone just needs to exercise tolerance to others' beliefs, that's all. It's not mandatory to share them.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/09/2021 09:48

OP, all that matters is that everyone in your family can coexist in a respectful and tolerant environment. If this is the case, each of you is entitled to hold different views and that's fine

If a member of my family was openly racist or misogynist I would not want to be 'respectful' and 'tolerant' of them due to their views. I'm not sure why it's different with homophobia?

Not saying OP's DSD is homophobic as I don't know him but OP has been clear that the teachings of his church certainly are. Regardless, in a separate hypothetical situation would you really be respectful and tolerant of someone who was openly racist? Sexist? Homophobic?

MrsSkylerWhite · 19/09/2021 10:18

‘Mustlovegin“

Everyone just needs to exercise tolerance to others' beliefs, that's all. It's not mandatory to share them.“

So, someone believes gay people are an abomination (substitute women, disabled person, non-white people, etc.). We ought to politely “tolerate” their ignorance? Are you serious?

MordinVasNormandy · 19/09/2021 10:21

@mustlovegin

No body has been arrested and the charge sheet has said "has an opinion"

Maybe you should try to understand the law.

Nobody will get arrested for having a different opinion, otherwise all religious people (60% of the UK) would be, and it's simply not the case. Everyone just needs to exercise tolerance to others' beliefs, that's all. It's not mandatory to share them.

I don't see why OP should be tolerant of the belief that who she is is fundamentally wrong, or the fact that her stepfather is part of a group that campaigns to take away her legal rights.
Soozikinzi · 19/09/2021 10:23

I also don't see why you should be tolerant of homophobia isn't it illegal in this country? I certainly don't think you should let your own children be indoctrinated there . There's tolerance and there's a time to stand up for what's right !

daisyjgrey · 19/09/2021 10:33

Nah, I've got no desire to peacefully coexist with racists, misogynists, homophobes or the like.

We riot at dawn.

ManifestDestinee · 19/09/2021 10:53

Everyone just needs to exercise tolerance to others' beliefs, that's all. It's not mandatory to share them

Why should we exercise tolerance for homophobia, for prejudice, for sexism?

I think people are missing that this is a church that not only holds these beliefs, but actively CAMPAIGN against gay rights and womens rights. Why would exercise tolerance to them trying to take our tights from us?

BusterSword · 19/09/2021 12:09

@Balonzette

OP, I didn't mean that you were anti-Christian. I mean that a lot of MN posters hate Christians so I was expecting a lot of comments on here shouting him down for his beliefs. I also wasn't trying to be flippant which, reading back my post, I did come across, and I'm sorry for that! I was being genuine whether I asked whether you have to actually come to terms with his beliefs, but my post sounded like I was saying you're unreasonable for questioning them, which of course you aren't. It must be really difficult. But what I'm saying is, can you and he not just agree not to discuss it at all? I assume he wants a relationship with you?

I know that these days it's very unpopular to stick to biblical Christian beliefs and many people like to remove the parts of Christianity that don't fit in with today's society, but it sounds like you stepfather wants to follow the bible rather than fit in with society, and he will probably have a really hard time doing that, but he's sticking by his beliefs.

If you two want a relationship then you're probably going to need to put aside your fundamental differences and agree that it's just something that can't be discussed, at all, while you're together.

Or stop having a relationship.

They're you're only choices I think.

@Balonzette

Plenty of people manage to follow the bible and not be homophobic.

Bitofachinwag · 19/09/2021 21:11

So according to Citizens Advice centre "If someone has been violent or hostile towards you because of your sexual orientation, this is known as a homophobic hate incident."

This is not the same as thinking that homosexuality is wrong. You can love and accept a person without approving of their lifestyle or opinions. Do you know what his church actually says about homesexuality?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/09/2021 22:29

@Bitofachinwag

So according to Citizens Advice centre "If someone has been violent or hostile towards you because of your sexual orientation, this is known as a homophobic hate incident."

This is not the same as thinking that homosexuality is wrong. You can love and accept a person without approving of their lifestyle or opinions. Do you know what his church actually says about homesexuality?

They actively campaign against a variety of equal rights for gay people.

From her first post:

He’s started going to a new church who are homophobic as a gay person I find this hard, they campaign against equal marriage, adoption for gay people, gay families and education about gay issues in schools.

MordinVasNormandy · 19/09/2021 22:41

@Bitofachinwag

So according to Citizens Advice centre "If someone has been violent or hostile towards you because of your sexual orientation, this is known as a homophobic hate incident."

This is not the same as thinking that homosexuality is wrong. You can love and accept a person without approving of their lifestyle or opinions. Do you know what his church actually says about homesexuality?

Being gay is not a lifestyle.
SoloISland · 20/09/2021 06:57

@girlmom21

Why don't you just agree to not discuss church or religion?
Because that makes sense and is easy
SoloISland · 20/09/2021 07:31

@mustlovegin

It's wrong how the word 'hate' is often bandied about on these threads in order to disqualify a different opinion and shut down debate.

Not agreeing on a certain topic does not equal 'hate'

OP, all that matters is that everyone in your family can coexist in a respectful and tolerant environment. If this is the case, each of you is entitled to hold different views and that's fine

Thumbs up to this

I once had mutually supportive friends with the same illness I have.

Then a debate in the letter page of the local paper asked where the Church's words on homosexuality came fro and being a Bible scholar livng my life by the Word of God I quoted verbatim. Adding that Jesus tells us to love all regardless

Maybe look it al; up? Respect?

The friends dumped me.

I was and am the same person.. Caring and sharing.

If you want acceptance you need to live it yourself .

MordinVasNormandy · 20/09/2021 07:35

@SoloISland

What exactly did you say in this letter?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/09/2021 08:58

@SoloISland

Then a debate in the letter page of the local paper asked where the Church's words on homosexuality came fro and being a Bible scholar livng my life by the Word of God I quoted verbatim. Adding that Jesus tells us to love all regardless

Can you share verbatim here what you quoted?

Hvergelmir · 20/09/2021 09:18

I wonder if the OP's DSD was a member of a racist church that campaigned against interracial marriage, would people be so quick to defend him and chastise OP for not respecting his beliefs?