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Original poster

Accepting DSDad’s religious beliefs.

253 replies

Niffler92 · 17/09/2021 11:12

My step dad has always been a believer and attended church. His last church was lovely and open, all guitars and clapping. He’s started going to a new church who are homophobic as a gay person I find this hard, they campaign against equal marriage, adoption for gay people, gay families and education about gay issues in schools. This is very hard for me as a gay person who campaigned for these rights, he also has niece who has a baby with her wife.

They also are anti choice and anti sex and babies out of marriage. Oh and preach about having as many babies as ‘god gives you’. In his previous church I always said my DD could go if she wanted to, now it’d be a cold day in hell before I left her go to THAT church!

My mum condones and excuses what they preach by saying he doesn’t understand that that’s what they believe.

How do I reconcile my own beliefs with what his church preaches?

OP posts:
BrilliantBetty · 17/09/2021 11:52

I'd have to have it out with him.

  1. is he aware of the beliefs of this organisation in regards to the things you have listed
  2. does he agree with them
  3. why should you associate with someone who accepts these teachings and who associates with individuals to think this way

It isn't something to be brushed under the carpet. He needs to realise how serious and harmful it is to believe these things and or go along with an organisation who do. I would not be able to be amicable with someone who accepts homophobia.

Original poster
Niffler92 · 17/09/2021 11:53

@Ancientcistern

Is he making his homophobic views known around your daughter?
That’s the ridiculous bit I don’t think he’s homophobic, it’s his church that is, he says he doesn’t agree when challenged but has admitted he wouldn’t tell the church about his niece and wife, I’ve been single ten years so my sexuality is easily ignored!
OP posts:
fallfallfall · 17/09/2021 11:53

So he doesn’t read the literature, attends church with nice people and doesn’t discuss the deeper unpleasantries.

Original poster
Niffler92 · 17/09/2021 11:57

@fallfallfall

So he doesn’t read the literature, attends church with nice people and doesn’t discuss the deeper unpleasantries.
Spot on!
OP posts:
Plumtree391 · 17/09/2021 11:59

Does your step dad believe everything that is preached in his church? He might not. I can't imagine every member of the congregation goes along with it all.

Nobody teaches that Jesus was born on 25th December, btw, it was just a convenient day to celebrate His birth as people already had festivals around that time. The Orthodox celebrate it on a different day, in January. It's the same with Easter.

LemonTT · 17/09/2021 12:00

As I understand it, he doesn’t accept the beliefs of the church and has his own belief system when it comes to the issues that concern you. Essentially he does not condemn homosexuality, pro choice or sex outside marriage. Making him no different from lots of catholics who don’t accept church doctrine on those topics.

Church’s and faiths are broad spectrums of belief. Like the rest of society. He doesn’t need to be outraged by his fellow church goers nor does he have to debate them. If that’s not his way.

SpeedRunParent · 17/09/2021 12:04

@Niffler92

I think the thing I find ridiculous is that I am probably with my mum on this I don’t think he knows a lot of what his new church believes in.
I think you are making excuses for him because it hurts to recognise how bigoted he is - particularly as you are among the humans he is blindly prejudiced about. He has joined this church despite knowing how hurtful it will be to you. Can you really turn a blind eye to this man / church as he / they seek to regress our society in such an ugly way? I couldn't.
SuperLoudPoppingAction · 17/09/2021 12:05

The free Church seems a very tricky one on this stuff. I also know folk within the free church who are not all homophobic and who believe that by staying in the church they can change it from the inside.
I don't personally understand why they wouldn't just shift over to the church of Scotland and I struggle to be anywhere near a free church building.
I also know that if the c of s votes to enable us to have equal marriage, there will be a new influx of homophobic ministers and parishioners just like the one in the 90s.

However I think there are levels of homophobia in most churches.
The alpha course is written by someone with homophobic views.

It would weird me out he is choosing to go, but he is insulated from the impact of homophobia because it doesn't impact him directly. He might never acknowledge how harmful those views are because what he sees and hears in his own church gives him warm fuzzies.

So it maybe can't be reconciled.

Either you say to him 'as long as you go to this church I will associate you with their views and avoid being in your presence' or you shrug it off and nip in the bud any homophobia from him directly/distance yourself if that event ever transpires.

SpeedRunParent · 17/09/2021 12:07

@nanbread

Posters here are talking about "respecting" these views - how can the OP respect a view that she and other gay people shouldn't have the same human rights as another person?

It's not a view that deserves any respect in any civilised society.

Would you respect a religion that thought black people shouldn't have kids, or that women shouldn't be allowed to talk in public, or that anyone over 40 shouldn't have sex?

This!
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 17/09/2021 12:10

I wouldn’t want anything to do with him myself!

TheSockMonster · 17/09/2021 12:10

I would worry that his beliefs will become more inline with theirs over time.

For this reason I would probably want to push the issue now before he gets completely enmeshed.

So they have any community or family events coming up that you could, with all the wide-eyed innocence you can muster, invite yourself to? Preferably with a friend playing the role of your ‘new partner’ Force the issue to the surface now whilst your relationship with him is still strong.

saraclara · 17/09/2021 12:12

A calm conversation is needed here.

Tell him again that you've read that magazine and that you're really concerned that he does to a church where he has to be ashamed of you. That thinks that who you are is sinful, and that's his SGD shouldn't have been born.
Tell him you know he's not really homophobic, and that you love him. But that you find it really hard that he's part of this church, that he's perished to accept what they believe, and that you worry that its beliefs could influence him.

Remind him that you used to go to his old church, but that you couldn't possibly expose your DD to this new one.

See how it goes from there.

TiredButDancing · 17/09/2021 12:14

I think people are minimising this. I don't really understand - he's basically admitted he'd have to hide the reality of his niece. And you are only acceptable as long as your sexuality doesn't come up.

Having different beliefs is one thing. This is entirely another. Personally, I certainly would not be attending any services at this church. Secondly, I'd be challenging him specifically - so, at the next family BBQ if you want to invite church people you will exclude Niece?

Festival2021 · 17/09/2021 12:15

Hi OP,

I completely get where you're coming from. I'm a Christian, and always have been. I was going to a Church, but my daughter came out as gay and the church were horrendous. I won't go in to all the comments they said, but I felt really let down by them. Ultimately I love my daughter and would rather she was with someone who respects her and makes her happy. If that happens to be another woman then so be it.

I've since found another church. Where anyone is welcome, no matter their race, sex, gender, or sexual orientation. We have gay couples with children in our church.

My view is, and always has been as a Christian, that we are all sinners.

Please know that not all Christians hold these views.

holibobs12 · 17/09/2021 12:17

As much as I understand why this would upset you, I do think people pick on Christians a bit. Most Muslims and other religious people won't support the things you listed. Would you go NC if you found out your friend or family member was Muslim?

Maybe just talk him out of the campaigning, or just talk to him. As I say, most religious people, period, don't like the things you listed. He's entitled to his views and the real problem should be the active lobbying against things like gay marriage

Original poster
Niffler92 · 17/09/2021 12:20

They aren’t that close that his niece would be at a family bbq but I previously went to family events as his own church, I wouldn’t now at this one.

OP posts:
QueeniesCroft · 17/09/2021 12:23

@Niffler92

They are both Christian churches but Christian Fellowship v Scottish Free church.
That's quite a leap! It could be worse I suppose, the Free Presbyterians are worse (in the sense of grimmer and more disapproving).

I would struggle to accept that the FC isn't quite clear in its disapproval of nearly anything, but I do think that just not discussing it is the best option (I've never heard of anyone being called a hateful bigot and saying "Oh no! You're right, I will change immediately!").

Unless, of course, he brings it up and attacks your beliefs and lifestyle, then it's gloves off and the Queensbury rules be damned!

ManifestDestinee · 17/09/2021 12:24

Do you need to? Can you not respect one another's beliefs and agree to disagree and simply not discuss the issue?

Why would you respect someones belief that you are a lesser person, that you shouldn't be allowed to get married, or have children, or go to church?
We don't have to respect other people's beliefs when those beliefs are abhorrent and offensive. Even if he says he doesn't personally believe these things, he has aligned himself with that church and the people who do believe it.

The notion that you should respect everyone else beliefs or religion is absurd.

ChinstrapBobblehat · 17/09/2021 12:28

Out of interest, why did he leave the previous church? And would he consider rejoining that one instead?

TheSockMonster · 17/09/2021 12:33

As much as I understand why this would upset you, I do think people pick on Christians a bit. Most Muslims and other religious people won't support the things you listed. Would you go NC if you found out your friend or family member was Muslim?

Whilst this is a valid point, I think

A. OP would probably have the same worries if her DSDad was converting to Islam and attending a mosque that was known for being outspoken against equality. My SIL converted to Islam for my BIL and, whilst she’s involved in various local Islam groups, neither her nor my BIL attend mosque as the beliefs of the mosque do not align with theirs.

B. Her DSDad has a wide choice of Christian churches to choose from (unlike in Islam and most minority religions in this country), but has chosen the homophobic one.

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 17/09/2021 12:39

Idk I feel like there are opportunities to experience fellowship with those who share your faith but also compassionate, inclusive values. Anyone can attend the inclusive mosque in Toronto for eg. They were doing remote worship way before it was cool.

My belief is that unless prejudice impacts on you directly, you're likely to prioritise the warm fuzziness of a nice new church with people you haven't fallen out with yet.

Original poster
Niffler92 · 17/09/2021 12:42

@ChinstrapBobblehat

Out of interest, why did he leave the previous church? And would he consider rejoining that one instead?
I’m not sure why he left to be honest. There was a strange mix of him being unsure about there set up and the next thing being back in with them. I think he joined this one because he knew people who went there.
OP posts:
CBroads · 17/09/2021 12:52

This reply has been deleted

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StoneofDestiny · 17/09/2021 13:07

Ah the ‘wee frees’. Very narrow minded and restrictive bunch.

LakieLady · 17/09/2021 13:12

@Balonzette

Do you need to? Can you not respect one another's beliefs and agree to disagree and simply not discuss the issue? I know everyone hates Christians these days, but your stepfather has as much a right to his beliefs as anyone else. If you don't like it then don't have a relationship with him?
Wtaf? No way will I respect someone's beliefs if they are homophobic and don't believe that woman have a right to autonomy over their bodies.

I hope your DSDad comes to his senses and realises that these "beliefs" are nothing but a massive heap of prejudice.