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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Accepting DSDad’s religious beliefs.

253 replies

Niffler92 · 17/09/2021 11:12

My step dad has always been a believer and attended church. His last church was lovely and open, all guitars and clapping. He’s started going to a new church who are homophobic as a gay person I find this hard, they campaign against equal marriage, adoption for gay people, gay families and education about gay issues in schools. This is very hard for me as a gay person who campaigned for these rights, he also has niece who has a baby with her wife.

They also are anti choice and anti sex and babies out of marriage. Oh and preach about having as many babies as ‘god gives you’. In his previous church I always said my DD could go if she wanted to, now it’d be a cold day in hell before I left her go to THAT church!

My mum condones and excuses what they preach by saying he doesn’t understand that that’s what they believe.

How do I reconcile my own beliefs with what his church preaches?

OP posts:

daisyjgrey · 20/09/2021 09:40

@SoloISland

If I was in a group of friends that were bound by the commonality of a chronic illness and one of them quoted a bible verse, uninvited, about homosexuality I'd dump them too.

EatYourVegetables · 20/09/2021 09:47

I think there’s a difference between respecting the beliefs of others and being asked to respect the belief that you shouldn’t exist, are doing something immoral, and should not have children.

mustlovegin · 20/09/2021 09:57

If you want acceptance you need to give it yourself

This is not happening nowadays sadly.

Acceptance is being demanded rather than asked for by some groups and only appears to be going one way

Hvergelmir · 20/09/2021 10:18

@mustlovegin

If you want acceptance you need to give it yourself

This is not happening nowadays sadly.

Acceptance is being demanded rather than asked for by some groups and only appears to be going one way

Why should homophobia be accepted?

ManifestDestinee · 20/09/2021 10:22

&Acceptance is being demanded rather than asked for by some groups and only appears to be going one way

Yes. Gay people are DEMANDING to be treated as actual people and there is a lot less acceptance of homophobia.
It should only be going one way. Are you seriously suggesting that gay people and rabid homophobes are equal and both deserve acceptance and respect?

isitworthitUK · 20/09/2021 10:22

Everyone is entitled to their own views and beliefs.
I have a Muslim family member and a lot of their beliefs (basically the same ones you've mentioned above) quite offensive.
But they are polite and don't force those beliefs on anyone, I'm not going to cut them out of my life because I don't agree with their views and likewise they don't agree with mine.

You are all adults and should be accepting of others beliefs. You can't just cut someone out of your life because you don't agree with them!

ManifestDestinee · 20/09/2021 10:23

You are all adults and should be accepting of others beliefs. You can't just cut someone out of your life because you don't agree with them!

We shouldn't be accepting, and you absolutely can cut people out for their beliefs.

MrsSkylerWhite · 20/09/2021 10:29

ManifestDestinee

You are all adults and should be accepting of others beliefs. You can't just cut someone out of your life because you don't agree with them“

Of course you can.

Bustersword · 20/09/2021 10:31

@isitworthitUK

Everyone is entitled to their own views and beliefs. I have a Muslim family member and a lot of their beliefs (basically the same ones you've mentioned above) quite offensive. But they are polite and don't force those beliefs on anyone, I'm not going to cut them out of my life because I don't agree with their views and likewise they don't agree with mine.

You are all adults and should be accepting of others beliefs. You can't just cut someone out of your life because you don't agree with them!

What if you or your child were gay and this family member started telling them that being gay was wrong and that they shouldn't be allowed to get married or have children? Would you really be okay with that?

mustlovegin · 20/09/2021 10:33

rabid

I'm not talking about any kind of 'rabidity' here.

Just that, as long as everyone is respectful, we all have the right to have our own opinions and not be ostracised for them

mustlovegin · 20/09/2021 10:34

Would you really be okay with that?

But this hasn't happened to the OP

MrsSkylerWhite · 20/09/2021 10:34

mustlovegin

rabid

I'm not talking about any kind of 'rabidity' here.

Just that, as long as everyone is respectful, we all have the right to have our own opinions and not be ostracised for them“

How is believing someone’s very existence is wrong respectful?

BusterSword · 20/09/2021 10:39

@mustlovegin

rabid

I'm not talking about any kind of 'rabidity' here.

Just that, as long as everyone is respectful, we all have the right to have our own opinions and not be ostracised for them

Others have the right to have homophobic opinions, we have the right to not want to interact with those people.

Would you be defending people with racist opinions?

SoloISland · 20/09/2021 10:42

[quote daisyjgrey]@SoloISland

If I was in a group of friends that were bound by the commonality of a chronic illness and one of them quoted a bible verse, uninvited, about homosexuality I'd dump them too.

[/quote]
????
You have totally distorted my post. Which is very revealing of your prejudices

This was an article in a newspaper and was appropriate

NOT in any group of friends

So you are discriminating against anyone discussing any issues?

Astella22 · 20/09/2021 10:43

I think YABU to even try reconcile your beliefs with his. There is no religion out there that tells you that you can pick and choose the nice aspects of its core beliefs so if he attends a church with homophobic beliefs then he is supporting that ideology. If he wants to feign ignorance on the ugly aspects then that’s up to him but IMO ignorance is no defence.

Original poster

Niffler92 · 20/09/2021 10:43

Thanks to all who’ve given me feedback, I think I’ll just keep an eye on it for now, luckily he does seem oblivious to the exact preachings of his church.

OP posts:

Brefugee · 20/09/2021 10:45

Can you not respect one another's beliefs and agree to disagree and simply not discuss the issue? I know everyone hates Christians these days, but your stepfather has as much a right to his beliefs as anyone else. If you don't like it then don't have a relationship with him?

Not everyone hates Christians - a lot of my friends are Christians and while i think religion is daft, if that's their choice and they're not being all evangelical about it with me, I'm fine with that. Same goes for my friends of other faiths.

However. I (along with a lot of other people) utterly loathe and despise (and in some cases i daresay it is actual hate) religious institutions (eg, the catholic church, the wee frees etc) because what they preach/push is not what their god/jesus preached. It is, in the case of say sexual abuse by the catholic priests etc, absolutely anti-christian and they have dithered, covered up, ignored and hidden these activities far too long. There is no accountability for the immense wealth some of these organised religions stash away while preaching the word of a man who was, in essence, a socialist. It is ridiculous and hypocritical. The christian church is probably not the only offender in this kind of thing but the only one i have any real knowledge of.

My limited knowledge/understanding of the christian religion is that they teach (lots of them? some of them? one or two of them?) to hate the sin (if they must) but love the sinner. How is that compatible with the homophobic hatespeech that some of them spout? I can't reconcile it in my head. And admittedly i really don't give it that much headspace because i find the whole thing so laughably ridiculous (see the flood of priests from the CofE to the catholic church because the idea of female bishops gave them an attack of the vapours).

OP in your shoes i would wait until you're chatting anyway and just mention that you know that his church teaches things that would make you a complete sinner in their eyes, and that while you understand why your step-dad likes it, you don't and that you will not have any part of it and nor will your daughter.

But if he ever said or did anything that was in line with their hateful views I'd remark on it immediately, and handle such situations as they arise.

Hvergelmir · 20/09/2021 10:50

@SoloISland

So what did you write?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/09/2021 10:58

@isitworthitUK

Everyone is entitled to their own views and beliefs. I have a Muslim family member and a lot of their beliefs (basically the same ones you've mentioned above) quite offensive. But they are polite and don't force those beliefs on anyone, I'm not going to cut them out of my life because I don't agree with their views and likewise they don't agree with mine.

You are all adults and should be accepting of others beliefs. You can't just cut someone out of your life because you don't agree with them!

But they are polite and don't force those beliefs on anyone, I'm not going to cut them out of my life because I don't agree with their views and likewise they don't agree with mine.

Would you say the same if they were openly racist? If they campaigned against interracial marriage? If they thought people who aren't white shouldn't be able to adopt children who are white?

Would you cut them out of your life then? Or would you still see it as an 'agree to disagree' issue?

daisyjgrey · 20/09/2021 11:00

@SoloISland

Your post isn't overly clear then.

So your friends ditched you because you wrote into a paper with a bible verse on homosexuality and they didn't agree with it?

I'm still with them 🤷🏼‍♀️

youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/09/2021 11:09

@SoloISland

Could you share what you wrote, the verbatim Bible verse? That is the vital context missing from your anecdote.

Simonjt · 20/09/2021 11:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

isitworthitUK · 20/09/2021 11:22

@Simonjt you appear to be comparing being Muslim to being a paedophile or terrorist. I find that very distasteful.

isitworthitUK · 20/09/2021 11:26

@youvegottenminuteslynn I don't think it's comparable, with respect. I took it that the OP was talking about religion, her family members church.
I don't think being racist is a taught part of any religion though I may be wrong.

I think that black children should be able to be adopted by white parents and vice versa, however if you believed otherwise I wouldn't cut you out of my life.

Simonjt · 20/09/2021 11:27

[quote isitworthitUK]@Simonjt you appear to be comparing being Muslim to being a paedophile or terrorist. I find that very distasteful. [/quote]
Care to point out where you believe I have done that?

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