Just sat outside in my car

[Memoriesofanoldlife]

No idea what to do.
Dd, 3, has started pre school a couple of weeks ago, she cries not to go, cries when she gets there, not too bad when I pick her up, still says she doesn’t like it there.
Today when getting her ready, she again said she didn’t want to go, she said she doesn’t like the teachers because they always shout at her. I asked her why they shout and she said because she won’t sit down and keeps blowing raspberries etc.
She’s really bright, but also a stubborn bugger and fights against doing anything she doesn’t want to. I’ve been struggling with her since around spring, when she became really strong.
She takes a long time to go to sleep and her tiredness definitely affects her behaviour.
She doesn’t understand why she has to sit down if she doesn’t want to and says she’s worried to do plasticine and activities etc at the table.
I feel really sad for her, but also being a teacher, understand the job they have to do and how she’s probably difficult for them.
I’m trying to be extra strict/firm with her.
Just sat here crying as no idea where I’ve gone wrong. My friends kids all started at different pre schools and they’re all loving the freedom, I’ve barely had any as pick her up early as know how things will have gone.
Do I persevere? Is she maybe too young and I try again next September? (Where we are they don’t start school until 6, so it would be pre school) I’m currently a Sahm so she doesn’t *Have to go or should I keep on.

Wtf? Why would a 3 year old have to sit down when told etc? I don't think we have anything like this type of preschool here, it's all about self directed learning through play. Can you look for something more like that if you think she would benefit from the socialisation? Sounds like you're doing an amazing job with her anyway OP.

@missymousey

Wtf? Why would a 3 year old have to sit down when told etc? I don't think we have anything like this type of preschool here, it's all about self directed learning through play. Can you look for something more like that if you think she would benefit from the socialisation? Sounds like you're doing an amazing job with her anyway OP.

It's un safe to run around when eating for example. Dc are expected to sit down for meals and snacks in every nursery I've even been in in the UK even when younger than 3.

Hi Op, I’ve read your posts and I really think your little girls experiences anxiety in this setting, hence her behaviour of acting out. Not all children sit and cry when they can’t cope. Why don’t you find her a provision which is smaller and calmer for her such as a child minder with some other children her age or a very small preschool that’s structured. She sounds like a bright sensitive child who needs adults to be compassionate and contain her.. very firm boundaries and gentle discipline approach at home and preschool xxx

DS hated nursery at three. Having loved playgroup and was a bright outgoing child. As time went on he liked it less and less. I also didn't much care for the nursery leader in the context of ethos or manner.

We ploughed on. Only when he was about 7/8 was he able to articulate that he hated it because another boy used to kick him and pinch him out of sight and he disliked the lack of structure - it was very free and easy.

My advice is that if a school makes a child unhappy, it's the wrong school fir them and they need to be moved. An unhappy child will not learn well.

My youngest really struggled when he started at about 2 & a half.

He spent what felt like weeks crying when he was there & we’d have to go & pick him up.

I was on the verge of leaving him a few more months & trying again when he settled 👍. He loved it after that.

It was also better when my mum took him rather than me for some reason.

Sorry if I've missed this, but it is a school-based nursery? My DC stayed at their 0-4 nursery rather than moving to a school based preschool class. From what friends said school-based provision seemed more formal, whereas my DC,s experience was much more like the rest of their nursery with more choice and less structure. Might be a better fit?

I'd try a different preschool, or a nursery which will be less structured.

The staff at DD's nursery don't shout at children. They're firm when they need to be but I've never heard them shout.

The other thing that occurs to me to check, is whether your 3 year old is getting enough exercise?

My DD needs an incredible amount of exercise and has always been like this. At 3 years old she could walk/run a couple of miles easily, as well as playground visits, throwing/catching/kicking a ball, hide and seek in the woods etc. on top of the general bumbling around that 3 year olds do. If ever there's a day where DD hasn't moved enough, she struggles to get to sleep even if she's emotionally/mentally tired and then this has a noticeable impact on behaviour.

Are you poster who posted recently and pre school is in language child doesn’t speak? (Blowing raspberries rang bell apologies if not)
She sounds completely overwhelmed. What are the pre school staff suggesting?
Maybe look at different setting and try again after Xmas.
Do you do lots of activities together? Eg concept of all sitting in circle to sing songs will be there from music class or should be used to sitting for snack in toddler group etc. If you do take her out I’d do lots like this to build up to pre school.

Personally I’d try another setting. My son was in nursery at 3 and it was all play based and they only needed to sit down for meal times.

If you are at home anyway then I would keep her home another year but use the time to put her into additional playgroups, forest groups, Montessori? Whatever is available in your area that you are both comfortable with. That way when the time comes around again she will be more used to being in a structured but playful environment and to being away from you. Three is very little. They do become much more independent age 3-4. Enjoy your time together while you still have it.

Saw your update post the teachers speak English. Do they definitely speak English all time in class. I’d imagine the children are speaking own language. It must be horribly overwhelming for her and her behaviour is saying that. I think I’d stop and try again later.

It took my dd months to settle, easily 3 or 4 months. She still has off days when she goes but overall she likes it. If she was crying the full time she was there I would pull her out.

My DD aged 3 didn't settle at pre-school. Its a long while ago, perhaps we did take her out and then try again later. Certainly, while she was 3, I was asked to stay during her sessions for several weeks to help her settle. (way pre-Covid!).

Then aged 4 she had another set back and refused to go unless I stayed (also a phase of several weeks).

Aged nearly 5 she settled into Reception with no problems. She is now as a teenager a strongly independent person. She is also very stubborn(!)

So I say this, to say that how she reacts now, is not how she will always react. If Covid means that you can't stay with her in a session for a while, then I would suggest taking her out for now and try again when she's older.

She doesn't need to be there, and it sounds like you don't "need" her there to enable you to work etc. So no need to give her and you the pressure.

Re the shouting it might also depend on where OP is. Some languages are significantly more shouty than ours. It's worth mentioning learning languages is easier the younger they are so delaying may not be doing any favours. It's usual that staff won't speak English unless necessary as immersing the child completely in the language is the best way to learn.

It’s hard when they’re little but she does need to learn to sit down with others. I’d keep her there she will settle and have fun soon .

@BoredZelda

Funnily enough they managed to grasp that when they started school at 8

We don't start school at 8 here, we start it at 4 (or 5 in scotland) so your experience isn't relevant - unless this is in fact the same poster as last friday who was outside the UK.

I'm in the UK, my point was that a lively 3 year old not going to pre school isn't a path to delinquency at 15 as was implied.

Not all kids are ready for it, that’s why it isn’t compulsory. I’d honestly leave her until next year. My friends little girl who wasn’t in the least bit clingy hated Nursery ,As soon as she started Reception she just ran in with no problems.

My dd hated nursery, would cry when I dropped her off and often cry the whole time she was there. One day I went to pick her up early (they had called to say she was upset) and when I got there dd was inside in her own crying whilst everyone else was playing outside, I took her home and we never went back. We then tried another nursery a few months later, she took a few weeks to settle and then loved it.

I would be tempted to take her out, maybe the nursery is just not suitable for her, she’s only 3 and being made to sit down and stay still without blowing raspberries is pretty hard. Maybe she would be better at a more relaxed nursery that has less boundaries? We have a lovely nursery nearby that focuses on outside play, nature and forest school.

@Memoriesofanoldlife

I agree the blowing raspberries is not allowed and we struggle so hard with this at home and have told her time and time again not to do it. She told me she was just trying to make one of the other little girls laugh ☹️She’s seen it on Bluey or somewhere and started to do it all the time, we’re trying so hard to stop it. She just said she was worried/nervous to sit at the table, she’s really bright so wouldn’t be worried to do plasticine, so I don’t understand it

Is the raspberry blowing a stim? That was my first thought.

I don't see how your daughter could make it any plainer that she is not happy going to this school at this time!

I think three is young. My DD loved going to Nursery but this sounds more like "proper school".

Take no notice of what friends and family say . Listen to your heart and your DD. Take her home and wait a year.
Deal with the situation when she is older and trusts you more to be there for her.

Perhaps the system where you are is not a good fit for your DD?
If she hears a language she doesn't understand I think this can creat anxiety for her.
And I would not trust that a teacher behaves the same when alone with the children. I would trust my gut and DD

If you are a SAHM I would wait another year and try again.
My DS is 2 yo and loves the nursery rn, not so happy when he was 7 months old therefore we found an alternative solution for 6 months and then tried again, it worked wonders.
Maybe try a different one as well?

What do you want her to do? Sellotape her mouth shut?

Is that your only option? There are a number of age appropriate ways to stop a child from misbehaving. If it were impossible to stop, then all the kids would be doing it. They aren’t.

Stickers/reward charts worked for us with timeouts as a last resort. Others might find other ways appropriate for their own child’s capabilities at that age.

My dd didn’t get on with nursery despite an enthusiastic start and in teeth of everyone’s advice I withdrew her, reduced her days and eventually deferred her entry to primary for a year.

She took to school like a duck to water and still loves it. She wasn’t my eldest and I was much more tuned in to my instincts and better able to judge what was best for her. But to listen to everyone else (and I do mean everyone - my mother’s hairdresser and the postman had their say) she was never going to re enter the educational system and would end up as a homeless bum.

At 3 her fingers hurt when colouring so she would put the crayon down and refuse to engage and nothing would budge her. She’s still determined and tenacious particularly when she takes a notion to learn a new skill or is powering through her maths homework.

Trust your instincts op, but don’t assume the worst. Traits that are a nightmare at 3 can be an asset later.

OP I could have basically written this myself except my youngest DC seems to be saving her bad behaviour for at home for the time being.

Often clever ones are very hard work. My eldest was also a tricky customer as a toddler but has done extremely well at school. My toddler is worse than the eldest though, very defiant. I think she has ADHD. She’s so messy and destructive and everything I ask her to do is a battle. She goes to bed late and gets up early. I’m exhausted and the house is a constant mess 😒

Take your baby home.