Just sat outside in my car

[Memoriesofanoldlife]

No idea what to do.
Dd, 3, has started pre school a couple of weeks ago, she cries not to go, cries when she gets there, not too bad when I pick her up, still says she doesn’t like it there.
Today when getting her ready, she again said she didn’t want to go, she said she doesn’t like the teachers because they always shout at her. I asked her why they shout and she said because she won’t sit down and keeps blowing raspberries etc.
She’s really bright, but also a stubborn bugger and fights against doing anything she doesn’t want to. I’ve been struggling with her since around spring, when she became really strong.
She takes a long time to go to sleep and her tiredness definitely affects her behaviour.
She doesn’t understand why she has to sit down if she doesn’t want to and says she’s worried to do plasticine and activities etc at the table.
I feel really sad for her, but also being a teacher, understand the job they have to do and how she’s probably difficult for them.
I’m trying to be extra strict/firm with her.
Just sat here crying as no idea where I’ve gone wrong. My friends kids all started at different pre schools and they’re all loving the freedom, I’ve barely had any as pick her up early as know how things will have gone.
Do I persevere? Is she maybe too young and I try again next September? (Where we are they don’t start school until 6, so it would be pre school) I’m currently a Sahm so she doesn’t *Have to go or should I keep on.

I had a stubborn, strong willed child (still do, but its managable now) one of the things I would do is go ok don't do it, and normally he would end up doing it. for example
Me: Its bathtime
Him: I don't want a bath
Me: Ok don't have one
Him: I want a bath.

I must admit, I never tried it with anything more serious than a bath, because ultimately if he didn't want one, he wouldn't get one that day, but also its because I knew that would work on my child, because he does enjoy a bath.
I am sure another child would consider that a win and then you are facing an even bigger battle the next day.

@vivainsomnia

Take her back but start installing a clear routine akin to preschool. Explain the rules and bring in rewards. You want to do what the teacher would do but being able to give her 1:1 attention to get there.

Do not let her rule the roost just because she's a strong character. That will help no one. You are mum, the boss, and what you say is what goes, end of.

For a 3 year old?

If she’s been there 2 weeks, I’m sure the teachers would have told you by now if there is a problem. If you can’t get to speak to the teacher direct at drop off or collection, ring them and ask for the teacher to give you a call to discuss. The trouble with putting off starting later and taking her out, you will probably get the same issues when she returns and she may think that crying and misbehaving worked before so she may try again.

My second DS was a cryer, he was terrible going in and would cry for at least an hour sometimes, but the teachers said not to worry, that he was happy there and had lots of friends.

Of course she needs discipline and gets it from us, but on the other hand I don’t want her being scared to death/amicus and to be somewhere she’s really miserable

You haven't been able to stop a 3 year old blowing raspberries and are blaming it on a TV programme. Forgive me for not thinking she is getting actual discipline. If she is being scared to death by nursery, either the nursery has a major problem and is breaching a whole load of guidelines and would (presumably) have a piss poor rating, or, your child isn't used to being told how to behave in an age appropriate way. If it is the former, then find a new nursery, but unless every child is having to be dragged screaming in to the place, I find it hard to believe this is simply a nursery issue.

For a 3 year old?

At what age do you think you should start teaching a child they are not in charge?

OP honestly, she is so young, I would listen to her. She just doesnt sound ready. She will socialise at her own pace, don't worry about that. If you're happy to have her at home and she's happy there I'd just let her be where she feels happiest. Honestly she doesnt need the stress of school when she's so little. Maybe a less-structured playschool would suit her better, with more free play. You could look for somewhere for after christmas maybe and just enjoy her at home for now. JMO

I'd take her out of you don't have to send her. It'll give you some breathing space to let her grow up and then you can see if it's just age or if it's something more without any pressure.

I'd also ban bluey though if it's affecting her behaviour. I used to stop any screen time for DS1 at that age when his behaviour started to get challenging and I found it made a massive difference and he'd be his normal happy self again. He had plenty of other things to do and play with, he didn't miss it.

You haven't been able to stop a 3 year old blowing raspberries and are blaming it on a TV programme. Forgive me for not thinking she is getting actual discipline.

Have you ever actually met a 3 year old?

[quote Memoriesofanoldlife]@lubeybooby Having said that, I once taught in a pre school/nursery and the 3 year olds could rarely keep/sit still or do activities..there was a huge difference in 4 and up, could it be just that?[/quote]
Exactly. I just find it a bit sad that they have to sit down at allotted times to "learn". There's so much formal schooling ahead, it's nice if they can have a bit more freedom when little.

Remember that in other countries they dont start formal 'sitting down learning' until age 7 or 8. So honestly, listen to your heart, go with your instinct of where she is happiest and ignore the disciplinarians. Remember, you're raising a strong girl with high self esteem and confidence. and they are fantastic traits, don't knock them out of her. She will learn to conform, she's only 3 FFS.

I think before you do anything speak to her teacher. Meanwhile at home have a time when she still on a little chair while you read a story. As for the blowing raspberries, well that is just rude and at 3 should know this.
As for her strong nature, she is only a child of 3 and you are her mum . Don't get upset we only want what is best for our children, but children don't know what is best for them. Don't beat yourself up or compare her .
Some other mums would have you believe their children were born counting to 100 and speaking 3 languages.

OP what country are you in? I think that would drive my decision to some extent

'You haven't been able to stop a 3 year old blowing raspberries'

What do you want her to do? Sellotape her mouth shut?

Maybe if you could get her to not cry before/at drop off that would give her a better start to the day. A few tricks I used to do with my daughter were a special handshake/wave when we say goodbye. So when she starts crying at home, distract her by asking 'whats our special handshake today?' (Sillier the better)

Another thing my daughter liked was we each have the same drawing on our hand every morning, and we change the design everyday. Again if she's fussing you can distract her with what drawing shall we have today. And at drop off you can talk about the drawing and maybe you could show it to the teacher, who would hopefully oohh and aahh over it

I would also draw a picture for her for when she got home. For my daughter I would draw her into her favourite TV shows and films, but it doesn't have to be so elaborate, just something that will make her excited, to see what you have done.

I also used to do this weird agreement type thing with my daughter😆
So I would say do you agree that you are going to have a good day today and when you come home, you can see the drawing mummy did for you....or whatever it is you want her to do. Then we would shake hands on it and say agree. My daughter really liked it and it would often result in her behaving herself.

Good luck I know its terrible when they are so sad at nursery and school x

@Ceci03

Remember that in other countries they dont start formal 'sitting down learning' until age 7 or 8. So honestly, listen to your heart, go with your instinct of where she is happiest and ignore the disciplinarians. Remember, you're raising a strong girl with high self esteem and confidence. and they are fantastic traits, don't knock them out of her. She will learn to conform, she's only 3 FFS.

Have you experience of this or is that just what you've heard? As where I used to live dc didn't start 'school' til 7 but were in a classroom environment much more formal than any uk nursery or reception/primary 1 class from aged 3 for nursery and pre school.

3 is tiny, she’s still so little and she has many years of school ahead of her. I’d take her out. I don’t like the thought of teachers shouting at a little tiny, because she won’t sit down. “School” should be about play play play when you’re 3. Doesn’t sound like a good fit for her, and she doesn’t need to be there.

I would try a different setting...there can be a huge difference in the way places are run.and something else might suit your child better

I would give her another year at home at least to be honest. She's only small and she won't be for long so enjoy your time together. It'll benefit you both

DS did the raspberry thing at nursery for a while and took a while to find his 'listening ears' particularly because of Covid they had to be quite consistent that the raspberries in particular are not ok. Problem we had was older neighbours and relatives would poke their tongues out to make him laugh so he'd blow raspberries and they'd laugh at him. We found reframing it as spitting helped, because essentially it is especially from a young child and to not give to much of a reaction when he does it. We use a Montessori nursery which is very child led (range of activities child chooses, but they do have story time, all meals together where they help clear away etc, also the children have the option whether to choose forest school in the afternoons) , he got past it. Children see all kinds of behaviour we dint want then to imitate, we just say we don't do that it's not nice/kind/safe etc we don't let DS climb the monuments in our local park other parents do, he sees his younger cousin forward face in their car seat, it doesn't mean we're going to do the same. So seeing it on TV doesn't mean she can't change the behaviour, she can and will in time with consistent messages. I don't think going head to head with a 2/3 year old ever works, they will always be more stubborn.

I've taught reception (4/5 year old) and know that they find it difficult to sit for long periods to listen. In nursery I wouldn't expect them to sit for long. Maybe just long enough for a story.
It's not your fault. Don't compare yourself to others. Every child is different. Maybe before she goes in explain what you're going to do when she finishes - something she enjoys.
Maybe go with only rewarding the positive with her. Talk about what she enjoys at nursery. Sticker charts or marble jar? When she gets so many she has a reward?
I would also talk to the teacher and share your worries.

Okay I've worked with young pre school children for years.
Being shouted at to sit still for a 3 year old is absolutely disgusting!

3 year olds need structured and free play, activities, sand, water, outside space to play

At this age it's play play play with snacks, lunch and some quiet time or story time, book corners and home corner.

Not sitting still, not shouting, not telling off.
Obviously there have to be rules
No hitting shouting, sitting for lunch, quiet for story time.

Personally I'd take her straight out and keep her home with you until you can find somewhere more fitting for under 5,s

My DS started pre school and he didn’t enjoy it. Like you, I was a SAHM so i delayed his start date and we had a lovely time together. He was definitely more ready the second time around

[quote Memoriesofanoldlife]@BoredZelda Of course she needs discipline and gets it from us, but on the other hand I don’t want her being scared to death/amicus and to be somewhere she’s really miserable[/quote]
She's not scared to death if she's not doing as she's asked and is blowing raspberries!

Some take longer to settling into doing what's expected at nursery. Stop rescuing her early. If you go in "knowing" it's gone / going to go wrong, it will and she'll feel that too.

You know the teacher is nice. She's in a phase. Stop the telly box bits that might be contributing (we had to stop some too).

It gets better 99% of the time.

Honestly I'd stop worrying so much about what your friends and family say / what their kids do. I'd go with your gut on this and focus on you and your child - you get one shot at these years

My first DC was a “spirited” child. You really have to do what’s best for YOU and if that means pre-school so you get a bit of a break then so be it. It sounds like you’re expecting a lot of your 3 year old by talking about being strict and discipline. At that age they learn though play and modelling your behaviour and also setting clear expectations of how you expected them to behave in advance of a situation. Getting cross and being strict with a 3 year old is a waste of time and energy. “How to talk so little kids will listen” was a great book I read when my first DC was this age.