Pandemonium when DSC come, AIBU? Sick of it.

[Twosixseven]

I'm a few weeks away from giving birth to DC2, DC1 is 3. I also have two DSC ages 8.5 and 9.5

Youngest DSC suspected HF autism.

Whenever DSC come round the place descends into total pandemonium, screaming and shouting whilst running around and bouncing off the walls. Play fighting on the floor. Encouraging DS to engage in screeching games chasing in and out of rooms. Bouncing on beds and climbing on furniture. Somebody always ends up getting hurt and it's usually the youngest one. It's constant.

I stay out of the disciplining but try to regain some order by telling them to calm down, not scream and shout, stop doing that but it falls on deaf ears.

Words had with OH who tells them in excess of 10-15 times a day to keep it down a bit, stop this, stop that. It makes no difference whatsoever. They're wild. Noise lessens for a few minutes and then they're off again.

I'm absolutely shattered today and could have done with a nap when DS had one, no chance of that as roused by screeching after 5 minutes.

OH tells them off and the youngest shouts back. There is no control whatsoever.

AIBU to think this isn't acceptable or normal? Or do you allow your kids to behave like this? I'm sick of it.

Does he just yell at them in the moment, or does he call them to calmly sit down with him to talk about it and discuss behaviour/consequences?

No-it’s not normal. If my kids had jumped on the beds/ furniture or were continually screaming and breaking things , they would have been told to stop.

@ChurchWCat

Does he just yell at them in the moment, or does he call them to calmly sit down with him to talk about it and discuss behaviour/consequences?

He'll sit them down and calmly ask them to stop, keep it down, suggest doing something else.

Rinse and repeat a few times then eventually he'll raise his voice and say he's told them x amount of times now stop.

Youngest DSC then starts shouting at OH.

Oldest DSC will look like he's about to cry.

It's absolutely fucking ridiculous honestly.

I think SOME of it is normal…. young kids do scream and play chasing games a lot. But there needs to be a firm line with things like climbing on furniture or anything dangerous.

DH needs to do more to enforce rules…. have clear expectations, and clear consequences that are followed through consistently.

I also think you need to be able to also discipline ie enforce the agreed boundaries and consequences otherwise it won’t be fully consistent.

Do they behave at mums
Do they go to the park to run around before coming to yours
Can they run around in the garden
Are there focussed activities in the house they can be directed to.
I'd do a star chart where they earn time on Xbox for example

Everything @CreamFirstThenJamOnTop says.

Don't understand people who say a 8 and 9 yo being noisy isn't normal.

Also, make sure they get the chance every day to run around and burn off energy!

Are they not punished for jumping on the furniture and beds?

Has your DH said if they behave like that all the time or are they just acting out when they come you stay with you?

I just couldn't be doing with that level of noise and disruption and I'd also be worried that the behaviour would rub off on your own DC and you'll end up with it 24/7.

I think they only way forward is to agree the house rules with your DH and then you both have to enforce them whilst also putting in the effort to ensure the DSC are entertained and kept busy.

They are a bit old to do the screeching and bouncing about 'games' - SEN aside of course, they ought to have learnt to play quietly by now. The fact that one of the children may be autistic could be very pertinent, are their parents looking at getting a diagnosis?
It sounds like they've just learnt that this is the way to behave at dad's house and they need to relearn more appropriate behaviour. Consistent rules and sanctions/rewards must be worth a try.

There are parenting courses aimed at parents of autistic children which may be helpful. Things like changing language to positive instructions (feet on floor rather than no climbing) can be helpful or social stories to set expectations.

If they have loads of energy may need to exercise outside more. My boys needed daily exercise like dogs or were climbing the walls

They've been at school all day today, had P.E, ran around outside then had a long-ish walk here after school and are still bouncing off the walls.

Eldest is on the xbox now and is still jumping up and down and shouting out loud he plays.

No idea how they behave at home to be honest with you.

I might be a bit sensitive given the point in pregnancy, it's just like a zoo honestly.

Toddler groups are less mayhem.

The child suspected of having HF ASD has been in the system for years with no sign of diagnosis anytime soon. He has SALT but that's the extent of it. Waiting lists are so long here.

@romdowa

Are they not punished for jumping on the furniture and beds?

Nope are they heck.

If I say anything about jumping on the beds I'm told it's just kids being kids.

That's all well and good when it's not my bloody bed, but it frequently is.

Is there ever any consequence? Take the xbox away etc? Can he take them for a run around while it's still light in the evenings?

I forgot to say, my DS1 is actually autistic (diagnosed just before 3rd birthday) and even he doesn't behave like this

That's all well and good when it's not my bloody bed, but it frequently is. they shouldn't be going in your room. You need that to be a space you can go to when it gets too much.

@Wole

Is there ever any consequence? Take the xbox away etc? Can he take them for a run around while it's still light in the evenings?

He wont take the xbox away as it's the only thing that sometimes gives us a bit of peace and quiet after they've ran riot.

I would personally but it's not my place. Me and mum don't get on so I'm reluctant to over step.

I don’t think I could keep my mouth shut if my dh was that useless tbh no way I’d be putting up with that behaviour whilst pregnant or any time really. I have 4 of my own so used to multiple kids but obs my own, but I also have had 2 step children briefly.

This is your home op, your family. Without the step children there you need to speak to your partner and ask him what kind of family would he like. And then how he thinks as a team (you and him) you can achieve it. Together as a family with another child added to it very imminently.

Because no chance would I be putting up with that behaviour and adding a 4th to the mix - is your 3 year old well behaved otherwise. You need consistency and boundaries and that includes the child being assessed as probably for them it’s most beneficial. I don’t care what ‘happens’ at dads because with me there are rules and expectations. It can be hard (there is only one of me) but 2 of you. You need to be a team, back him up, be there for him and parent together - united front. Doesn’t mean you need to discipline but you’re there for each other and the kids will realise when they come there what behaviour is expected because right now they are laughing right in your faces. You can’t have a family of his kids and your kids it needs to be one unit. If you struggle - triple p/Solihull have good parenting courses (I did one when in assessment period for my asd youngest)
It was really good. I would always suggest them. (Hv or local authority can point you in right direction) It’s hard to ask for help or support, but probably not as hard as how things are when your step kids visit now

Sounds completely wearing and exhausting. If he’s not handling it and doesn’t seem to want to I don’t see what you can do so sympathy from me but no advice bar asking him to take them out/keep them out so you and DS can sleep or rest when you need to.

I think if you told them off it might have more effect and shock them? If you make sure it's something that is affecting your stuff eg. Your bed then if they come back with you're not my mum etc you can say no but that is my bed. You wouldn't accept the behaviour off anyone else.

Agree they’re banned from your room, it’s your bed, no one has a need or right to jump on it. Die on that hill if no other. What’s going to happen when you’re immediately post natal and have a baby? What were they like when DS was born, what was DH like about managing their behaviour at the time?

@Twosixseven this is your home too.
Sit down with your dh and tell him he needs to work on his parenting skills and that there must be age appropriate consequences for bad behaviour.

No way would j put up with jumping on furniture and screaming.
No need for it.

You and DH need to sit down and discuss things properly. You need to discuss what behaviour is acceptable and what isn't. What punishments are acceptable and what aren't.

Realistically if 4 children are in your house and you can only punish/talk down two of them in 3/4 years time there's going to be a lot of angst and resentment from everyone. You need to be allowed to treat them in the same way as your son.

My DS is no angel so I won't pretend he is, he can be quite challenging albeit in different ways. He has alot of sensory processing difficulties so is prone to meltdowns which are tough, but in general he doesn't run around screaming / shouting, bouncing off furniture and running amok.

Youngest DSC first had concerns raised about potential autism by school several years ago but despite being on the pathway is still undiagnosed. I don't know why it's taking so long as for my DS the whole process took around 15 months, I appreciate I might be lucky in that sense.

I do believe there's alot of 'disney dadding' going on, on part of OH. He doesn't want to spend their time here telling them off unless absolutely unavoidable and by that point I'm almost pulling my hair out. He thinks it's normal but I don't agree.