Pandemonium when DSC come, AIBU? Sick of it.

[Twosixseven]

I'm a few weeks away from giving birth to DC2, DC1 is 3. I also have two DSC ages 8.5 and 9.5

Youngest DSC suspected HF autism.

Whenever DSC come round the place descends into total pandemonium, screaming and shouting whilst running around and bouncing off the walls. Play fighting on the floor. Encouraging DS to engage in screeching games chasing in and out of rooms. Bouncing on beds and climbing on furniture. Somebody always ends up getting hurt and it's usually the youngest one. It's constant.

I stay out of the disciplining but try to regain some order by telling them to calm down, not scream and shout, stop doing that but it falls on deaf ears.

Words had with OH who tells them in excess of 10-15 times a day to keep it down a bit, stop this, stop that. It makes no difference whatsoever. They're wild. Noise lessens for a few minutes and then they're off again.

I'm absolutely shattered today and could have done with a nap when DS had one, no chance of that as roused by screeching after 5 minutes.

OH tells them off and the youngest shouts back. There is no control whatsoever.

AIBU to think this isn't acceptable or normal? Or do you allow your kids to behave like this? I'm sick of it.

@Twosixseven

I will say I do think he's lazy (OH not the kids)

He could definitely do more to engage them rather than letting them run riot.

I started to orchestrate full days out on the weekends to avoid some of this, but it's not always possible to do and just means when we don't have a structured activity planned it's just mayhem indoors.

I've spoken to OH about this several times before and initially he got defensive and implied I was trying to push them out of the home which isn't the case at all. I just don't want to listen to non stop screaming and crashing and banging whenever they're here.

I think in the post you id the issue yourself. Dss need structure and planned activities, short ones ideally with their attention span being short.

Do they do any activities like swimming, football, basketball etc that their dad can take them to.

My house can be like a zoo with 3 boys and they def need lots of engagement to stop fighting.

We have a chill out zone for when they get hyped - 2 bean bags with boxs of sensory toys and sand timer. They have to sit quietly for 5 mins - using sand timer, they are allowed to play with the sensory toys during this time. Mine have gotten quite good at taking themselves there when over hyped

You could agree family rules - sit kids down with big sheet of paper an ask them what kind of rules make a nice family home.

We have a no rough play rule as mine take it too far

I'm generally seen as a fairly relaxed parent but I CANNOT STAND screaming! It drives me insane, that kind of screaming where they are fine but just screaming over and over again for fun. It's one of the few things that brings out my no shit scary mum side. It stops immediately or I take away all screens/treats (to be earned back eg by not doing it all afternoon or whatever) and they get a big lecture on how dangerous it is because you need to reserve screaming for when you actually need it in an emergency – also on how horrible it is for everyone who has to hear it.

I realise some kids with severe/non-verbal SN scream and that's different, but having suspected autism doesn't sound like that and doesn't mean you can't learn to control it IMO.

I agree your issue is your OH being useless but if I was in your shoes I'd put a stop to it anyway because I find it so unbearable. I mean he does at least tell them, so he can see they shouldn't be doing it – so IMO it's reasonable to do the same but with consequences.

Taking them out to run around and let off steam / sending into garden also sounds like a good idea, but I still think screaming isn't on, they'll just piss off the neighbours.

The fact you’re pregnant is a red herring, they need to start behaving better. The way they are sounds too much! You are best starting sooner, rather than later so they don’t link baby coming and boundaries introduced. I would start this weekend with house rules and consequences. A lock for your bedroom door is a good idea

Your partner needs a parenting course, he is going to parent your joint children exactly the same way, unless you intend for him to never be alone with them.

Definitely lock your room. Of course they want to bounce on your bed; I bet it’s the biggest. I wouldn’t allow it ever.
Also I think they could be banned from your DS room too.

There is too great an age gap between 3 and 9 for any sort of rough play to work. Inevitably the smallest keeps getting hurt. I think you need to ban it indoors. If they want to play like that, outside only. Don’t listen to arguments. Your DH has to enforce it.
I would get them a trampoline if at all possible. They are so useful for exactly this sort of surplus energy. Roller skating is perhaps too difficult for them.

Your expectations are perfectly reasonable. 8 and 9 is old enough to know how to behave. They have to behave in a reasonable way at school. They aren’t allowed to mow the reception children down.

I’m afraid your DH must step up. I get that he doesn’t want to bother. Well he has to. Maybe he needs parenting help and advice. Maybe the children want more attention from him. In fact I’d suggest that as a way forward; their immature behaviour shows they need more adult interaction. They need their dad to parent them.
If he doesn’t want to make the effort then take a serious look at his reasons, because it seems suspiciously like a lack of interest to me.

I really don't think their wild behaviour is related to the youngests suspected ASD, as I said previously the eldest one is the worst for it and he appears to be neurotypical.

I think it's an extreme case of kids being kids, left unchecked.

WRT him parenting ours the same way it is a concern yes, although I feel better placed to correct that with them being my children. I've been in DSC lives for years yet still don't feel comfortable in that regard - this is largely due to the fact me and BM don't get on and she has form for stopping contact. I'm always on edge when I get close to putting my foot down incase they tell her I've told them off then she kicks off etc. It's not conducive to a healthy blended family at all.

Even with OH I feel on edge about putting my foot down about his kids because his automatic response in the past is to go on the defensive and jump straight to implying that I don't want them here.

I need to grow a backbone.

It would help you also if you could change your attitude and responses to his Ex. At the moment you seem terrified of her. What sort of a way is that to live your life Twosixseven?

He seems to have taught you, that what she wants has priority over what you need. You will never have a fulfilled life if you are forced to always consider your own needs as less valuable than other people’s.

Thing is OP, both if you need to parent consistently. It can't just be you setting boundaries and providing structure and him bumbling along letting the DC (yours and the DSC) do whatever they like.

It just won't work and you'll end up feeling undermined and overwhelmed.

What @AdaColeman said.

Why do her needs and wishes trump yours?

I can’t stand screaming and play fighting for long, and I’m not heavily pregnant plus trying to keep my toddler safe.

I think it’s mad to put up with it. And it’s your house!

Balls to the BM. If she witholds contact, OH can take her to court, can't he?

Put your foot down now. For crying out loud, you are going to be having major abdominal surgery soon as well as having a brand new baby to care for. Insist that contact is outside YOUR house until you have recovered.

Do any of you think I'd be unreasonable to tell him that from now until I give birth he has to entertain them elsewhere for the 2 x a week after school visits where they don't stay over and just come for tea?

(3-4 weeks max, I'm having a section just waiting for a date after I've seen my OB consultant)

It's these visits that tend to be the worst because atleast when they stay over we usually have trips out planned on those occasions which helps when we're out.

I've tried to suggest taking them out after school before but he was full of excuses as to why that wouldn't work, not enough time to do anything else before they have to go home and how they need to come straight here for their tea.

I'm preparing to put my foot down now as I just can't continue to put up with this.

Crossed posts, it's a relief to see that not everybody would think I'm BU.

I just can't put up with it and until he enforces change I don't think I'm prepared to.

Excellent plan. Afterschool teas to be elsewhere. Grandparents, cafe, picnic in the park.
Only not just until your CS. Indefinitely until you are fully recovered/he is parenting properly.

So he’s using “you don’t want them here”as emotional blackmail to stop you from criticising their behaviour/his parenting.

Don’t cave in to it. ‘Dam straight, I don’t want screaming, rough kids wrecking the place and endangering our toddler. But of course I want them here if they can behave. I expect them to behave in the house, are you going to deal with it or am I?” Why would you want to be subjected to this behaviour? You don’t, and that’s perfectly reasonable, so don’t be apologetic or placating about it. Expecting an 8 and 9 yo to behave isn’t mean or cruel, the opposite in fact.

If BM doesn’t like it, tough shit. Your house your rules - that’s fine if they are sensible, reasonable rules.

@Twosixseven

Do any of you think I'd be unreasonable to tell him that from now until I give birth he has to entertain them elsewhere for the 2 x a week after school visits where they don't stay over and just come for tea?

(3-4 weeks max, I'm having a section just waiting for a date after I've seen my OB consultant)

It's these visits that tend to be the worst because atleast when they stay over we usually have trips out planned on those occasions which helps when we're out.

I've tried to suggest taking them out after school before but he was full of excuses as to why that wouldn't work, not enough time to do anything else before they have to go home and how they need to come straight here for their tea.

I'm preparing to put my foot down now as I just can't continue to put up with this.

Nope. You need to treat the situation the same as if it were your own DCs. Ie, you wouldn't be imposing those rules if they were your own. This won’t solve the situation as will only be a temporary solution until that period of time is over. You need to work on a long term permanent resolution, by sitting down with your DH and put boundaries in place, starting now. They’re acting as they do because you’re not on the same page, and the DCs know that.

I have 4 kids, 8, 6, 4 and 2. They do run around and make noise.... that's just being a kid. It's not all all time though and they do sit and be quiet doing activities.

To the poster who said yours are too old for running around and making noise.... why do kids have to grow up so quickly. Tell your dh to take them to the park when your little one has a nap so you can nap too.

I bet they are bored and cooped up inside

Tell him if he can’t control them he will have to spend time with them elsewhere, you don’t need it

@RaspberryThief

*Maybe have a house rule that as soon as shouting, chasing and play fighting starts they have to go outside and trampoline, play football or similar. With one behavior warning given.*

Agree with this. What you're describing is "outdoor behaviour", not "indoor behaviour", so if they want to expend that much physical energy they do it outdoors. Don't want to go outdoors, better find something else to do then.

And have a proper conversation(s) with your DH about it when the kids aren't with you and you are both calm.

This. That’s what I do with mine who are fairly ‘high energy’. If it’s outdoor behaviour it goes outdoor. No discussion, no negotiation, after the warnings there is half an hour outdoors before you get another chance.

@QueenPeary

So he’s using “you don’t want them here”as emotional blackmail to stop you from criticising their behaviour/his parenting.

Don’t cave in to it. ‘Dam straight, I don’t want screaming, rough kids wrecking the place and endangering our toddler. But of course I want them here if they can behave. I expect them to behave in the house, are you going to deal with it or am I?” Why would you want to be subjected to this behaviour? You don’t, and that’s perfectly reasonable, so don’t be apologetic or placating about it. Expecting an 8 and 9 yo to behave isn’t mean or cruel, the opposite in fact.

If BM doesn’t like it, tough shit. Your house your rules - that’s fine if they are sensible, reasonable rules.

And this. Don’t cave to emotional blackmailing of you because he thinks that’s an easier out than parenting his children.

OP, he is full of crap.

Of course it’s easier to bring them back home during the week, as then he just lets them run riot and doesn’t manage their behaviour. I also have a nine year old and when they are bored, the craziness begins. He needs to keep them BUSY!

Where I live, many soft play centres do half price entry during the week and BOGOF on meals. Of course parks are free and I’m sure he could go and visit a relative.

Also, this should continue even when the baby gets older.

I doubt he’d do that as he doesn’t listen or take your feelings into account…boundaries need to be put in place as imagine what it will be like when they’re belligerent teenagers!

Yanbu at all. It sounds as though they are in a bad habit through no fault of their own. I also wonder if their dad is giving them the undivided one to one attention that they need, every time they visit. If you and their dad can present a united front of each time as soon as the first shout or whatever happens, give the child a choice of play outside for half an hour or do something quiet but fun indoors. Explain that from now on they can be noisy outside only and explain what you are going to do. Then when the behaviour happens don't nag or explain, give a simple reminder that there's a choice and then immediately follow through if there is further shouting etc. I would make both options appealing - outdoors isn't a punishment, it's an appropriate place for loud wild behaviour. It will take some effort and planning to put the indoor and outdoor activities in place. Ideally someone will need to be with each child to do the activities with them and make it enjoyable. just some drawing or simple craft or a game they can play with dad nothing too excessive. It's not supposed to be a punishment but a resetting of expectations. You will have to be really consistent which is going to be tedious at first as they will no doubt complain and resist. So do it now before you have the baby and before the weather deteriorates.
Once you've set this new boundary they will hopefully not need the same level of reinforcement ongoing. 8 year olds should be able to behave quietly without constant entertainment from parents. However they do need some high quality positive time with their dad. Given the broken home and new baby situation there's possibly an element of attention seeking here. So really important that their dad (and possibly you as well, if they would like that) spends proper time with them - just 15 minutes a day of completely undivided attention per child, doing something that child wants to do. Otherwise they are probably only getting attention through bad behaviour. Personally I would ditch all tablets and X box for now. They can read a book for the last half hour before going home, or watch a family TV program together with a parent. While it's tempting to send them elsewhere for their visits, that won't solve the problem in the long run.

Gosh I could have written this post. Two DSC age 8 and 10, plus 2 DC age 2 and 10 months. Exactly the same with youngest DSC's behaviour and it influencing my 2 year old DD. No advice really just sending solidarity. I have wanted to leave so many times but keep thinking I'm in the worst bit now and hopefully as they all get a little older things might get better. My biggest concern is the safety of my youngest DC as DSD treats her like a ragdoll and I'm on constant edge when they're here. Sending hugs I know how unsettling and tough it is x

Oh and I also ask DH to take them out to let them burn off energy and I'm told I'm trying to split the family up. He only wants to do activities when it's all 6 of us. Honestly I fantasise about living alone with my DC and not having to deal with it all. I'm sure my DH is the biggest problem not my DSC. Sigh.