Pandemonium when DSC come, AIBU? Sick of it.

[Twosixseven]

I'm a few weeks away from giving birth to DC2, DC1 is 3. I also have two DSC ages 8.5 and 9.5

Youngest DSC suspected HF autism.

Whenever DSC come round the place descends into total pandemonium, screaming and shouting whilst running around and bouncing off the walls. Play fighting on the floor. Encouraging DS to engage in screeching games chasing in and out of rooms. Bouncing on beds and climbing on furniture. Somebody always ends up getting hurt and it's usually the youngest one. It's constant.

I stay out of the disciplining but try to regain some order by telling them to calm down, not scream and shout, stop doing that but it falls on deaf ears.

Words had with OH who tells them in excess of 10-15 times a day to keep it down a bit, stop this, stop that. It makes no difference whatsoever. They're wild. Noise lessens for a few minutes and then they're off again.

I'm absolutely shattered today and could have done with a nap when DS had one, no chance of that as roused by screeching after 5 minutes.

OH tells them off and the youngest shouts back. There is no control whatsoever.

AIBU to think this isn't acceptable or normal? Or do you allow your kids to behave like this? I'm sick of it.

I would put up a blackboard with the house rules:

I would make the child who disobeyed sit down at the kitchen table until they behave.

It’s you house, your rules. If dad can’t step up then he can ship out.

Definately not unreasonable to put plans intk place and actually it will be important for him to spend time with his children so that they don't feel pushed out by the new arrival of the baby. Usually it is recconende that siblings get quality time with each parent when baby arrives.

Are they not attending school? You mentioned not being able to nap when toddler napped but surely the DSC should be at school. Or have you been ecepcted to watch them whilst off school? As that would need to stop otherwise you will be asked to watch them during holidays because you are off anyways (on mat leave)

I would talk to the mum to check if they are behaving like that at home. I would say they are behaving like that at yours because they know your OH puts up with it.

He needs to get off his arse and do some active parenting like doing things with them, take them to the park or do activities AND manage their behaviour. It is not enough to shout them to stop here and there.

High functioning autism is a red herring, if there is something people in the spectrum need is clear rules that are enforced fairly and structure, not having them is very disorientating for them and be the cause of this behaviour.

They sound bored.

They only stay overnight one day a week? It's not that difficult to put structure and boundaries in place for one night surely? I say this as a lone parent of neurodiverse dc.

It's your home too. Both of you have to step up and parent effectively. I wouldn't worry about mum as she may just be frazzled from having to deal with this behaviour the other 6 nights a week. You need to work together, access any support available, parenting classes etc ...you need to be on the same page and working as a team.

Additional needs are not an excuse for bad behaviour. Stop being so passive.

I think you’ve had some great advice here OP, and you are not being unreasonable at all to want changes! Sounds like without a garden the kids have no way of expending their energy - you need to make DH take them out more! Sounds harsh, but if it carries on, tell him you’ll be just taking your children out when step kids are here, if he doesn’t take his!

Do they have to always come together? Is there any way you can suggest 3 afternoons a week instead of 2, but they take turns for 2 of them so that each boy gets an afternoon of quality time with their dad. He would have to step up and I genuinely think this sort of thing is good for kids.

I've got 3 high energy boys. They need loads of exercise and stimulation. I have to keep a very firm handle on behaviour as it all descends into chaos quickly otherwise.

Thank you all for taking the time to advise, I've taken it all on board and will be having a sit down conversation with OH later today about it (which I'm dreading but it has to be done)

I genuinely don't think that either he or his children see it as bad behaviour. That sounds bonkers given what I've written in my OP, but I think the behaviour has just become the norm because it goes unchecked rather than it being a case of them consciously trying to cause stress or misbehave.

I spoke about it briefly with my friend last night and she said "you're not in the wrong here, why would you want them there when even he doesn't seem to. He's not spending any quality time with them. Just bringing them round to let loose and do as they please. Hes like a bad babysitter who cant be arsed" and that has struck a chord with me because it's true.

What are they, or he, getting from the time they spend here? Not alot really. He IS like a babysitter as opposed to somebody who actually wants to embrace the time with them.

I'm so sorry you can relate Lostmyway86 its such a difficult position to be in when you don't have your other halfs full support and they don't see the problem. I'm starting to feel like mine may be a lost cause, I'm guessing you can relate given you've said you've wanted to leave a few times?

I'm feeling quite anxious this morning because I know 'the talk' is on the table and from precious experience he always goes on the defensive and accuses me of attacking him. He'll say things like I'm calling him a bad dad, I'm saying he's a shit parent, I clearly don't want the kids here, then as the discussion descends into an argument he'll get more and more petulant.

I forgot to add: over the summer holidays the contact was split up so that they weren't coming together but separately.

It helped quite a lot.

Unfortunately now they're back at school it's reverted to them coming together because there isn't enough leeway in his work schedule, whereas when they weren't in school it was easier.

Something else: he puts too much emphasis on the fact he spends a portion of their midweek visits here doing their tea.

So previously when I've had words about all of this and his need to take them out he has fired back with "I don't have the time! I pick them up from school at 3.20 and walk home, by the time we get here Its gone 4 then I have to cook tea, by the time that's done there's not much time left before they need to go home at 7 so they go on the xbox for a bit"

Is the tea really that important? Do they need to have their pizza or chicken nuggets or whatever he does, at the same time, every time, to the point it restricts his ability to do anything else with them?!

@Twosixseven

Something else: he puts too much emphasis on the fact he spends a portion of their midweek visits here doing their tea.

So previously when I've had words about all of this and his need to take them out he has fired back with "I don't have the time! I pick them up from school at 3.20 and walk home, by the time we get here Its gone 4 then I have to cook tea, by the time that's done there's not much time left before they need to go home at 7 so they go on the xbox for a bit"

Is the tea really that important? Do they need to have their pizza or chicken nuggets or whatever he does, at the same time, every time, to the point it restricts his ability to do anything else with them?!

If he's just cooking them food like that all he has to do is put it in the oven and take it out 25 minutes later. It's not exactly time consuming. Surely he could be interacting with them during that time?

If he's just cooking them food like that all he has to do is put it in the oven and take it out 25 minutes later. It's not exactly time consuming. Surely he could be interacting with them during that time?

I agree, but he isn't.

This will be when they're running riot around the place.

They used to come round with reading books from school that a parent had to read with them, he would enthusiastically do that and that was good 1-1 interaction IMO. Hopefully the school books make a return.

OP I have two step children, one with PDA, two years ago I could’ve written your post.

It can and does get better I promise. Some tips from me:

Take up your place. It’s your home, your rules. Set your boundaries and expectations, be clear, keep it simple, but have authority. If dad doesn’t like it, he can leave. Let’s be honest he won’t because he has no balls!

If you have children with autism -and especially SALT, try a visual (pictorial) rewards chart. I used this to move us into good behaviour, or to ‘overcome’ things like encouraging them to do things for themselves. Incentivise with Robux/PlayStation voucher/whatever they are into.

If a kid has autism, shouting doesn’t always work. I’d really recommend you do some reading around it. Shouting can increase what they’re feeling on a sensory basis. So it can elicit a fight or flight response.

Times and rules are different in both houses - deal with it. That’s the message our kids get. With school travel and other pressures it’s tough - and that’s life. It’s a good lesson to learn.

Spend quality time with them - I promise you your attitude towards them will change if you actually like them. Art, swimming, parks, even sitting down for dinner. It changes how you think, they respond to it, they see you as a friend not a foe.

And finally - stop giving two hoots what BM thinks. What’s she going to do? If dad is on the birth certificate and she takes you to court, they won’t simply say ‘no dad can’t see the kids’. Courts are busy, they don’t like time wasting, they like to maintain the status quo. Unless the children are at risk of neglect I can practically guarantee it will go nowhere beyond formalising an agreement you already have in place. It’s a lot of time, effort and money.

This is symptomatic of living in the shadows because someone else - you think - has the power. They don’t.

If she wants to start court proceedings, good luck to her. But you MUST call out those threats not back down.

But your biggest problem is Dad guilt. Disney dad is symptomatic of someone who knows they did wrong. You must work dad through this to survive. Children need boundaries, rules, guidance. A new child presents you with the opportunity to start afresh with rules and boundaries - use it.

Why on earth are you staying out of the discipline?

That’s is your house, your family, this is your extended family, so go postal and tell them to STOP if that’s what it takes! Take responsibility too, because the wishy washy stuff isn’t working, time for a new technique.

speak to your h too about being clear, removing kids who back chat and give them a time out

Every. Time.

@YourFinestPantaloons

Everything *@CreamFirstThenJamOnTop* says.

Don't understand people who say a 8 and 9 yo being noisy isn't normal.

Na, sorry, my SD is 7 and so is her little cousin. My SS is now 11 but I've known him since he was 6.

What OP is describing is something I would only ever see from them on rare occasions, when they were massively over-excited and getting to the point where someone was going to end up in tears. They never acted like this routinely and I don't think most kids do!

He sounds as though he’s someone who cannot accept personal responsibility, always looking for someone or something else to blame for his own failings. This will get very tedious, as it’s often you that will bear the “blame”.

If he can’t cope with making their tea, suggest that he does something more simple. For instance sandwiches or Mexican food, where he can sit at the table with them and supervise them making the meal, it would force him to interact with them, and they would be sitting instead of running amok.
Alternatively, suggest he prepares a casserole or tray bake meal earlier in the day, that can just be served out to them.

But, of course, he doesn’t really want constructive answers like that, he doesn’t want to be a responsible parent, he wants to be in their gang.

"They used to come round with reading books from school that a parent had to read with them, he would enthusiastically do that and that was good 1-1 interaction IMO. Hopefully the school books make a return."

Whether the school books return or not, having a book that they all read together would be a good way to spend time when they at yours. At 8.5 and 9.5 there are plenty of great book series (Harry Potter, Percy Jackson, all the Rick Riordan series) they could get into and enjoy - initial being read to by OH and then by themselves.

It's clear he's just very lazy and can't be arsed with the shitty part of parenting which involves not being popular because you put your foot down sometimes, or doing the hard work of keeping them occupied and engaged.

It get that, it's hard, it's tough doing a day's work and then switching into responsible parent mode, and everyone needs a break sometimes and to let their kids play xbox or watch TV while they decompress.

BUT this guy doesn't even have to do this every day. When they're with him, he should be prioritising engaging with them and stepping up and also teaching them the sensible behaviour that is absolutely essential around younger siblings.

He'll say things like I'm calling him a bad dad, I'm saying he's a shit parent, I clearly don't want the kids here, then as the discussion descends into an argument he'll get more and more petulant.

This is designed to shut you down. I bet he did it to his ex too and I bet he opted out of parenting duties in his old household too.

Don't get sucked in and let yourself be blackmailed into saying "Oh no darling, of COURSE I don't think you're a bad dad, I'm so sorry".

You do think he is, currently, being a bad dad - and he is.
"You do not have to be a bad dad, but right now you are opting out of parenting your kids, and yes, I am criticising that." Don't let him away with it.

Cooking kids' tea does not take 2 hours or even if it does, he can rope them in to help. You need to teach kids to cook. Or he can take them for a walk / kickabout then pick up fish and chips or whatever (if funds allow). Or he can play xbox with them - or do reading, games, chatting, hobbies or any number of activities where he is giving them his attention.

Right now, him opting out is making your life miserable. He does NOT get to bully and blackmail you into backing off so that he can maintain the status quo.

This will get very tedious

Yup! My intolerance for this kind of crap comes from spending years with my ex who was like this - couldn't be criticised, defensive, would always use emotional blackmail and twist what I said, lazy and opted out of parenting all the time.

He just uses the 'cooking tea' as a shoddy excuse as to why he isn't doing other things with them because last year it was almost always me cooking their tea which would be ready and on the table for when they got in from school.

Unsurprisingly, nothing much was different. They still ran wild. They just had more time to do it because they had eaten within 15 mins of arriving as opposed to over an hour later.

I disengaged somewhat and left the cooking to him after a while as after all they're his kids.

He has also used money as an excuse for not taking them out but we're not destitute and there are plenty of things to do that don't cost a penny.

Overall I think he just doesn't know what to do with them most the time so let's them lead.

Thank you for the recommendations of courses and books I've noted them down to mention to him later on when we talk.

I hope things can change but I'm not too optimistic unfortunately.

OP do you not get enraged with your OH'a incompetence with his DC? I would be fuming if my DH flopped about and made excuses. Cooking a crappy frozen dinner doesn't absolve him from parenting. Does he actually understand how to interact with his own kids?

In your shoes I would be very concerned about the future. If he is this ineffective with his older DC, Is he going to be any better with your DC? You have to be on the same page with parenting, you can't have one of you providing structure and boundaries and the other letting mayhem happen all around them. You will fall into the trap of doing everything DC related because he is too useless and you don't trust him. Is this how he behaves in his relationship with the DSC mother?

You need to sort it out now.

@ChequerBoard

OP do you not get enraged with your OH'a incompetence with his DC? I would be fuming if my DH flopped about and made excuses. Cooking a crappy frozen dinner doesn't absolve him from parenting. Does he actually understand how to interact with his own kids?

In your shoes I would be very concerned about the future. If he is this ineffective with his older DC, Is he going to be any better with your DC? You have to be on the same page with parenting, you can't have one of you providing structure and boundaries and the other letting mayhem happen all around them. You will fall into the trap of doing everything DC related because he is too useless and you don't trust him. Is this how he behaves in his relationship with the DSC mother?

You need to sort it out now.

I do get annoyed with it yes, and I simmer on it to the point I just have to say something and to him that feels like it's come out of the blue and I'm looking for an argument. He gets defensive and petulant.

Communication isn't great at all. He takes everything as a personal attack and responds in offence, whether justified or not.

I genuinely don't believe he sees any of it as a problem.

Yesterday I went into the bedroom for a breather and he followed me through asking if I was ok. I said no I'm not I'm exhausted and the screaming is driving me potty. I said "you do realise it's not normal for the place to be in such chaos every week" and he replied that it's just kids being kids but I notice it more with them because they're older and louder.

Um no, OH. I'm pretty sure I would notice if my DS was doing the same on a daily basis

He gets the prize for copping out, doesn’t he.
It’s very clear that he doesn’t want to step up. Is he this lazy in other ways?

YADNBU to not want to live in shrieking chaos. Why would you?
Other kids do not all behave like this. Does he know many of similar ages?

As it’s your home, I do think you can have some leverage over the situation. House rules: no screaming no running no jumping on furniture. Simple.

I think maybe show your DH this thread. If he is intelligent, interested, and caring, he can learn a lot from it. If not, maybe you want to consider your options and whether you want another ten or twelve years of the same, or another twenty years if you think your own children are going to copy this behaviour.

Be really seems like he's doing the bare minimum.
No parenting just shouting when you've had enough.
So this is the future for your toddler and baby, not great.
Ask him if he's happy with the level of shouting and lack of respect for YOUR house.
Is he happy with his interactions with them?
What does he think needs to change and how can we do that?

I bet you he has absolutely no idea, if you took over he'd be thrilled.

I swear to god, I’d vote with my feet. Or better tell him to find a place to entertain his kids so that it’s his place that gets trashed, his ears that hurt from the shrieking