Pandemonium when DSC come, AIBU? Sick of it.

[Twosixseven]

I'm a few weeks away from giving birth to DC2, DC1 is 3. I also have two DSC ages 8.5 and 9.5

Youngest DSC suspected HF autism.

Whenever DSC come round the place descends into total pandemonium, screaming and shouting whilst running around and bouncing off the walls. Play fighting on the floor. Encouraging DS to engage in screeching games chasing in and out of rooms. Bouncing on beds and climbing on furniture. Somebody always ends up getting hurt and it's usually the youngest one. It's constant.

I stay out of the disciplining but try to regain some order by telling them to calm down, not scream and shout, stop doing that but it falls on deaf ears.

Words had with OH who tells them in excess of 10-15 times a day to keep it down a bit, stop this, stop that. It makes no difference whatsoever. They're wild. Noise lessens for a few minutes and then they're off again.

I'm absolutely shattered today and could have done with a nap when DS had one, no chance of that as roused by screeching after 5 minutes.

OH tells them off and the youngest shouts back. There is no control whatsoever.

AIBU to think this isn't acceptable or normal? Or do you allow your kids to behave like this? I'm sick of it.

Ds has adhd so I do understand some of extra challenges you are facing but your DP needs to be a more active parent.

"My floor is not lava" is definitely something I have said before sending dc outside.

While dc get used to being outside they may well require outside activities and your DP to play with them. So it will be more effort for him.

It's good to see that most don't think I'm being unreasonable.

I feel in a very difficult position most of the time in my role as a step mum. I feel obliged to accommodate everybody else to my detriment, whilst being mindful not to over step the mark because I'm not their actual parent. Its frustrating.

As PP guessed I have been desperate to be the 'cool' step mum and for them to continue to like me, because the alternative would only give BM more ammunition to be an arse to/about me.

All children,especially those with ASD, need to let off steam at times. School has taught my grandson to respond to a number for the level of noise that is acceptable - 1 is silence, 2 a whisper, 3 normal talking, 4 shouting, and 5 yelling - 5 is only allowed in the playground. A request to "keep it to a 3" is usually given a positive response for a short while. If you don't like them jumping on the beds then you are going to have to find an alternative activity for them. Just saying no, no, no doesn't work as I have found from experience. Get them colouring or painting, doing Lego, playing with playdough - all these are quiet activities. I'm afraid if you expect these rowdy children to calm down a bit you are going to have to show them how and not just tell them.

You’re being bullied in your own home by a couple of kids. Stand up for yourself, don’t let them make your life a misery!

Get yourself a plan of action, get some boundaries in place, work out what you see as acceptable behaviour, explain it to the boys and your useless dolt of a husband, and get ready to impose some consequences if they don’t follow your rules.

You need to do something, or their behaviour is going to impinge on the peace & calm you and your new baby deserve.

I think you need to get your DH to step up here. The Disney dad crap just doesn't cut it. He isn't doing his kids any favours letting them behave as if they are feral.

Is this the way you want him to parent your own children? Can you imagine what life would be like with 4 screaming kids jumping on the furniture in another 2 years?

It needs sorting now so you have done chance of improving the DSC behaviour before it impacts your own DC.

Alot of good advice here thank you. I will implement the suggestions and stand firm this time. Wish me luck, I'll bloody need it.

I can imagine me locking myself with baby in the bedroom when they visit at this rate if nothing changes.

Is this the way you want him to parent your own children? Can you imagine what life would be like with 4 screaming kids jumping on the furniture in another 2 years?

Definitely not. I wouldn't allow it.

It's hard because I have authority with mine and have no problem asserting it, whereas with his it feels as though it's not within my remit and I'm not allowed to (nobody has actually said that, it's just how I feel because I know BM will take huge issue with it)

There will be disparity though won't there, if I'm strict with mine and don't allow certain behaviours but then DSC are allowed to run riot.

Things do need to change now.

I agree that the problem seems to be your dh's rather than yours. Good idea to lock yourself in the bedroom whenever the dsc are there - that way your Dh should begin to realise they are his responsibility.

My DC’s have ASD and have never been allowed to jump on beds or scream (obviously unless they were having a meltdown). Your OH needs to take some control, also don’t be afraid to discipline them yourself, they are in your home.

@Twosixseven

Your OH sounds lazy and shit to be honest.

He needs to actively start managing their behaviour. Also, why is he unable to parent them by himself?

Some ideas:

1: After school he needs to take them to a park/soft play. No choices. Also he could take them out for their tea once during the week.

2: On the weekends, he needs to find more physical activities to take them too. On his own!

1. Lock your bedroom door and stop trying to be their friend.

With two possible three children / step children with autism it’s always going to be hard and no doubt they will all have slightly different triggers and needs.

Basic routine, simple rules. No going into adults bedroom unless invited/injured and needing a parent.

Xbox jumping I’m sorry to say is just a thing it’s nothing personal to your dsc. my son does it, he’ll my brother still does it in his 20’s.

Yes op the problem is going to be when your two are older and are getting discplined and the dsc are still runing riot

your dh has to understand this for the long term or it just wont work

This wouldn't be happening on my watch OP.

YANBU and you have my sympathy. 💐

@thelegohooverer

It sounds like your dsc has some very high sensory needs and that’s not something that can just be disciplined out of a child. It’s not a behavioural problem.

Can you encourage your dp to get some occupational therapy support? Or if that’s not possible to do some research online? There are terrific books and websites available that can help. The key is to identify the sensory need and satiate it by providing a “diet” rich in the right types of sensation.

A pp mentioned parenting courses. It can be hugely helpful to look at this because parenting with SN is very different. You need to develop a rhino hide to deal with constant criticism from strangers, and it helps a lot to have the reassurance of having done a class and knowing that you’re on the right track even when Joe Bloggs thinks you can cure autism with a well timed smack.

This.

You will need to take account of what is likely to work in the context of their individual circumstances. One size does not fit all, and there is scope to make the situation worse if you apply a standard behavioural approach to a child who lacks the capacity to comply. No idea if this is likely to be an issue in your family, but as PP says, would seek advice/or read around a bit before settling on a strategy. Good luck - it's not easy.

With children that age, I don't think it's feasible to be a hands-off parent, when it comes to discipline. Definitely not when you have younger children of your own, and they're all interacting.

You and your partner need to be on the same page. Easier said than done, sometimes.

Tbh, at this stage, I'd start doing a bit of parenting yourself if you DH isn't going to. Sounds like these kids are in massive need of some boundaries, it does no one any favours to let them get away with this. Especially with regards to your bedroom, you're well withing your rights to insist that is out of bounds, just as you would with other children visiting. It may be a room you share with your DH, but it's your room too, and I'm generally follow the rules that kids aren't allowed to play in a parents room. Yes, they can come get their parent from their room if they need something, but playing in at jumping on the beds is a no no. Ultimately, you need to have a serious chat with your DH, and explain that their needs to be some consequences for poor behaviour.

Mine went through a screaming phase. I implemented a rule that screaming was an outdoor voice and so at the first scream they were sent outside (no options) They could come back in if they used an indoor voice. The fist day they were in and out like yoyos and it improved from there
I then revamped the rule when they hit the phase of using potty words. The first “bum”….snigger and they went straight to the toilet until they stopped saying the silly words. I had to try and keep a straight face while a 5 yr old was in the downstairs toilet saying bum willi poo for 5 mins. Eventually they got bored and the phase was over.

I tried to make it a bit natural consequency.
We did all have a sit down around the table while I told them the new rules and consequences, so there was no pretending they didnt know what the rules were.

It’s irrelevant that they’re step children. They should be taught boundaries the same as if they were your own. Otherwise you’re going to cause conflict as your own children grow up as there are going to be separate rules. You need to speak with your DH and make sure you’re on the same page, then stick to it.

I would not tolerate it for 30 seconds. No way Jose.

Mine were not allowed to screech.

I myself was apparently known as 'The Screecher' as a child.

I know this is some sort of messed-up double standards ☺️

Then they're allowed to go on the xbox or tablets for an hour or so before going home.

This is your problem. They need to be playing with your dh in the garden or the park, or sitting down and playing some family games. Spending over an hour sat on your sofa on a tablet is not quality contact time and is not going to help
Poor behaviour.

I do think kids run around and scream.

I often think he just doesn't know what to do with them, he appears to lack the imagination to think up an activity they can do together. He's not much cop at the fun stuff aside playing with them on the xbox or a bit of play fighting which they lap up as it's their favourite thing to do.

With DS it's different as he's so young he's never happier than when he's being tickled or playing hide and seek, whereas the older ones require more mental stimulation don't they? More structured activities.

I've spoken about this before on MN, I suspect OH is on the spectrum himself given that he has two children with the condition. He has plenty of traits that make it likely.

I have no doubt that he loves them but effective parenting requires much more.

My question and concern is, can you effectively 'train' somebody to be an effective parent when it doesn't come naturally?

@PrincessNutella

I do think kids run around and scream.

In gardens, playgrounds and parks sure.

I don't think it's the norm or acceptable to be doing that indoors constantly though is it? I have neighbours to consider for one thing.

It is your home and inevitably your DS and maybe the new baby who will get hurt if this continues and the elder DSC carry on being unruly. If your OH will not step up then you need to and say they have to go outside if they want to run around although the neighbours may not thank you. Your OH should be doing more to discipline and enforce boundaries and I would not care what BM says. Your house, your rules.

@Cornishclio

It is your home and inevitably your DS and maybe the new baby who will get hurt if this continues and the elder DSC carry on being unruly. If your OH will not step up then you need to and say they have to go outside if they want to run around although the neighbours may not thank you. Your OH should be doing more to discipline and enforce boundaries and I would not care what BM says. Your house, your rules.

That's the thing, it really is my place.

It's only my name on the tenancy, we're not even married.

I shouldn't have to put up with it should I?

Unfortunately I've fell into feeling as though I have to bend over backwards to accommodate everything because as alot of mumsnet users would say 'I knew he had children when I decided to get into a relationship with him and have my own'

The obligation to blend, and everything that comes with that, became the #1 obligation I guess.