Pandemonium when DSC come, AIBU? Sick of it.

[Twosixseven]

I'm a few weeks away from giving birth to DC2, DC1 is 3. I also have two DSC ages 8.5 and 9.5

Youngest DSC suspected HF autism.

Whenever DSC come round the place descends into total pandemonium, screaming and shouting whilst running around and bouncing off the walls. Play fighting on the floor. Encouraging DS to engage in screeching games chasing in and out of rooms. Bouncing on beds and climbing on furniture. Somebody always ends up getting hurt and it's usually the youngest one. It's constant.

I stay out of the disciplining but try to regain some order by telling them to calm down, not scream and shout, stop doing that but it falls on deaf ears.

Words had with OH who tells them in excess of 10-15 times a day to keep it down a bit, stop this, stop that. It makes no difference whatsoever. They're wild. Noise lessens for a few minutes and then they're off again.

I'm absolutely shattered today and could have done with a nap when DS had one, no chance of that as roused by screeching after 5 minutes.

OH tells them off and the youngest shouts back. There is no control whatsoever.

AIBU to think this isn't acceptable or normal? Or do you allow your kids to behave like this? I'm sick of it.

@JuneOsborne

So many questions!

1. Is your DH always there when the DSC are?
2. What are the contact arrangements? How often?
3. Do they have things to do when they're there? Games set up? And adult to play those games?
4. What does your dp think? Does he think it's a riot when they're there?

I suspect that they just don't know what to do. There appear to be no rules or things set up for them to do.

First thing I'd do is stop them going in your bedroom. Put a lock on there if you have to. That way, it's not your bed being bounced on and if it all gets too much, you can treat there. It also sets the scene for the new baby having a room away from the melee.

OH is always here when they are yes

Current contact arrangements are here for tea 2 x in the week and a sleep over on the weekend.

They do have games and toys here. They just have little interest in playing anything structured and prefer to play fight unfortunately. Things encouraged previously include pizza making, crafts stuff, cards, board games. They're not interested or lose interest very quickly.

OH seems oblivious to the chaos until somebody gets hurt or I say I've had enough now.

I think putting a lock on the bedroom door is a good idea.

Oh. You have a DH problem, as the saying goes.

@PumpkinKlNG

I’m not saying to leave him but I don’t think people are going to tell you any different than they did on the last thread. You knew he had the children before you had children with him.

Of course I did and I've embraced them completely. I'm not a wicked SM who wants them out of the way, I just can't stand the chaos at the moment and want changes to be made.

If they start mucking around is there a garden he can send them outside to?

Maybe have a house rule that as soon as shouting, chasing and play fighting starts they have to go outside and trampoline, play football or similar.
With one behavior warning given.

Agree with this. What you're describing is "outdoor behaviour", not "indoor behaviour", so if they want to expend that much physical energy they do it outdoors. Don't want to go outdoors, better find something else to do then.

And have a proper conversation(s) with your DH about it when the kids aren't with you and you are both calm.

Can you just leave every time this starts up and let him manage it?

I'm on crutches at the moment because I have SPD so not that easy to up and leave the place but I certainly will be doing when I'm more mobile.

There's a difference between having acces to toys and activities and sotting and playing those games with them.

Your DH needs to be with them, properly. Set up Jenga, play dobble, teach them rummy. Actually do those things with them. After all, that's why they're there! To spend time with dp.

Does he realise this? That he has to buy a Lego set and build it with them? Or teach them a game, or whatever and actually do it.

My hairdresser just did this with her DP and DSC and he now has them at his parents EOW. She says it's heaven and she wishes she had done it years ago!

This is probably the best suggestion I ever read in MN!

He may have I identified issues though? That's not to say boundaries can't be put in place anyway but they have to be the same all the time, as soon as you give an inch they take a mile and expect it every time. It's bloody hard work I have to say, it must be hard when it's not your own child too.

That was meant to say unidentified

At the very least, put a lock on your bedroom door!

No garden but there is a courtyard type area round the back which is safe for them to be in.

They've both been bought roller skates for recent birthdays and I can't recall one time they've actually used them.

Tell em to piss off out side next time they don't listen? Well.. use nicer language but be firm?

It sounds like your dsc has some very high sensory needs and that’s not something that can just be disciplined out of a child. It’s not a behavioural problem.

Can you encourage your dp to get some occupational therapy support? Or if that’s not possible to do some research online? There are terrific books and websites available that can help. The key is to identify the sensory need and satiate it by providing a “diet” rich in the right types of sensation.

A pp mentioned parenting courses. It can be hugely helpful to look at this because parenting with SN is very different. You need to develop a rhino hide to deal with constant criticism from strangers, and it helps a lot to have the reassurance of having done a class and knowing that you’re on the right track even when Joe Bloggs thinks you can cure autism with a well timed smack.

@Coffeepot72

My hairdresser just did this with her DP and DSC and he now has them at his parents EOW. She says it's heaven and she wishes she had done it years ago!

This is probably the best suggestion I ever read in MN!

As brilliant as this sounds and I totally admire her for putting her foot down, I think I would be crucified if I dared to suggest he has his contact elsewhere

He thinks it's normal but I don't agree.
I think you're right OP is what I was trying to say. OH should be properly in charge of the children regardless whether you are there or not.

OP, it is worth even suggesting that he has contact, or at least some of it, elsewhere? Is it really so out of the question?

Id leave I couldn't stand it. Your Ozh needs to step up and soon.

I will say I do think he's lazy (OH not the kids)

He could definitely do more to engage them rather than letting them run riot.

I started to orchestrate full days out on the weekends to avoid some of this, but it's not always possible to do and just means when we don't have a structured activity planned it's just mayhem indoors.

I've spoken to OH about this several times before and initially he got defensive and implied I was trying to push them out of the home which isn't the case at all. I just don't want to listen to non stop screaming and crashing and banging whenever they're here.

@Coffeepot72

OP, it is worth even suggesting that he has contact, or at least some of it, elsewhere? Is it really so out of the question?

I could contemplate it in the run up to having baby, citing wanting to isolate somewhat.

I've already decided to take DS out of nursery from next week to avoid him bringing any bugs home. I'm having a section and want everything to go smoothly as I had sepsis before which came about as the result of a typical childhood bug.

OP, perhaps it is time to stop avoiding drama. If your DH doesn't do it, I suggest you tell them to keep quiet. They will probably ignore you so you can exercise some control like taking certain privileges away. Tell your DH you physically can't continue like that anymore. Let's stop pretending these are special needs driven given the eldest is the loudest and he is the ones with no special needs. Be bad guy. What is the worst that can happen? They will complain to their mum? Visit less for a time being? Surely in this situation it is a good thing for you.. Perhaps it will give your DH some encouragement to parent properly

Sounds like you have a structure in the afternoons and they are choosing to stay in - fine

Can you offer choices - active screaming play or quiet sitting down play

Obvs active play needs to happen outside

So you are saying yes, but under my conditions

These kids need active parenting with proper behavioural management.

They're not toddlers, they should have some empathy and understanding of appropriate indoor behaviour.

I would send them and DH out for a walk every time it starts kicking off. Even if it's 5 times a day at the start. Until they all realise what is acceptable behaviour for a large family under one roof.

You are all right, those of you who have said I need to assert myself and make a stand.

I'm not a total push over I do tell them to be quiet, stop doing this and that, but as you guessed they don't listen to me.

The driving force behind me not then escalating it to enforcing punishments myself is apprehension about BM kicking off which she will I'm sure.

4 dc here .2 have ASD and ADHD
Nope never had that behaviour
But ,like puppies they needed a lot of exercise,so plenty of walking ,and hours at the park .
Every time they start running in the house ,take them to the park ,or get your dh to ..or stick them in the garden .
Seriously,I would not of stood for this ,no way