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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Pandemonium when DSC come, AIBU? Sick of it.

157 replies

Twosixseven · 16/09/2021 18:09

I'm a few weeks away from giving birth to DC2, DC1 is 3. I also have two DSC ages 8.5 and 9.5

Youngest DSC suspected HF autism.

Whenever DSC come round the place descends into total pandemonium, screaming and shouting whilst running around and bouncing off the walls. Play fighting on the floor. Encouraging DS to engage in screeching games chasing in and out of rooms. Bouncing on beds and climbing on furniture. Somebody always ends up getting hurt and it's usually the youngest one. It's constant.

I stay out of the disciplining but try to regain some order by telling them to calm down, not scream and shout, stop doing that but it falls on deaf ears.

Words had with OH who tells them in excess of 10-15 times a day to keep it down a bit, stop this, stop that. It makes no difference whatsoever. They're wild. Noise lessens for a few minutes and then they're off again.

I'm absolutely shattered today and could have done with a nap when DS had one, no chance of that as roused by screeching after 5 minutes.

OH tells them off and the youngest shouts back. There is no control whatsoever.

AIBU to think this isn't acceptable or normal? Or do you allow your kids to behave like this? I'm sick of it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Twosixseven · 16/09/2021 18:46

What’s going to happen when you’re immediately post natal and have a baby?

I don't know but I'm dreading it. I'm going to end up looking the bad guy aren't I.

What were they like when DS was born, what was DH like about managing their behaviour at the time?

His ex stopped contact when she found out I was pregnant so he had to take her to court. Then in the meantime she imposed the condition that he saw them at her house, or elsewhere not around me, during the early days of DS being here.

That's also why I'm reluctant to assert myself because I don't want her to then use that as an excuse to stop contact again.

OP posts:

Wole · 16/09/2021 18:49

That's also why I'm reluctant to assert myself because I don't want her to then use that as an excuse to stop contact again. you can't live your life like that OP. You are just as important member of the household as anyone else.

Original poster

Twosixseven · 16/09/2021 18:51

@Wole

Thank you, it certainly doesn't feel that way alot of the time.

I put up with alot for the sake of keeping the peace.

I bite my tongue much of the time as I don't want to be 'that' step mother.

OP posts:

CheesyWeez · 16/09/2021 18:51

I have a relative who lets her DC walk all over her as she's so desperate to do her DisneyMumming. She won't listen to us telling her that what her DC needs is a firmer hand - DC will not stop loving her if she makes them do their homework / makes them sit more quietly / makes them lay the table, help with chores...
Can you explain to DH that they need him to parent MORE than they need him to be super fun. In the long run they will look back and thank him for what he taught them and for being there for them.

spicedappledonuts · 16/09/2021 18:52

The issue isn't your dsc it is your DP.
He isn't parenting his kids and hasn't given them any enforced boundaries to follow.

Screen time can be an overwhelming stimulus for some dc, does it have clear time limits?

Is there a clear daily structure for the dc? Snack, time playing in garden/park, then screen for half an hour, then dinner then bedtime routine. So some version that works for you?

Is your DP actually actively doing things with his dc or just expecting them to entertain themselves?

It seems perfectly reasonable they aren't allowed in your bedroom. Other changes are going to need your DP onboard.

LushHeaven · 16/09/2021 18:56

Tbh PE at school isnt always the most energetic activity, they may not be getting enough time outside, especially if you say they are always jumping around. Maybe less screen time and more time to let loose at a park or field?

Sounds like you all need firmer boundaries in your house and better structures rules. If kids can push it, they will.

cuppycakey · 16/09/2021 18:56

That's also why I'm reluctant to assert myself because I don't want her to then use that as an excuse to stop contact again.

Surely that would be a bloody result? He can take them out and leave you in peace?

It sounds like you have been so keen to be the "Cool Stepmum" and not rock the boat that you have become a total doormat instead.

I can't really understand how you have tolerated this for so long without splitting up tbh.

I would be having a chat with DH. Either he finds a working strategy or he has the DSC elsewhere because you can't cope. My hairdresser just did this with her DP and DSC and he now has them at his parents EOW. She says it's heaven and she wishes she had done it years ago! How often do they come and how long do they stay?

Wole · 16/09/2021 18:57

I put up with alot for the sake of keeping the peace. I have been in a similar position. Having my LO changed that for me as I felt I had to look out for them and then thought also I have to look out for me otherwise I'm outnumbered here. Their mum is not a member of your household.

SheilaWilcox · 16/09/2021 18:59

Are they bored?

How much does your DH interact with them when they come over? Are they trying to get his attention? Do they think the new baby will replace them?

HotSauceCommittee · 16/09/2021 19:00

Your DH needs to parent HIS children.
Not you. He can take them out if they get too much for you. He sounds lazy.

PumpkinKlNG · 16/09/2021 19:00

I’m sure you’ve posted before about this?

GameSetMatch · 16/09/2021 19:03

They sound bored, things always get noisy and out of control when children are bored.

Harlequin1088 · 16/09/2021 19:05

@Wole

That's all well and good when it's not my bloody bed, but it frequently is. they shouldn't be going in your room. You need that to be a space you can go to when it gets too much.

Agreed. The parents bedroom should be out of bounds. You need your own space particularly when you're heavily pregnant. The children have the rest of the house fgs, so there's absolutely no reason for them to be in your room.

Heartofglass12345 · 16/09/2021 19:06

Some of the advice here isn't helpful to be honest.
There is no such thing as high functioning autism anymore either. My son would probably be classed as high functioning but he sounds very similar to your stepson and the same age. They struggle but in a different way. He is very loud and excitable, finds it hard to sit down and stay in one place even when he is playing a game. He does listen to some things but it's taken a lot of reminding him not to do things.
If they are jumping on your bed make your bedroom out of bounds and keep the door shut.
You can't change his behaviour by punishing him, it will just make him comply and mask and eventually it will all come out in a meltdown. He is probably using his Xbox for self regulation.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 16/09/2021 19:07

He needs to make sure there are consequences for unacceptable behaviour. He also needs to take them out - with your joint dc too - to run around and burn off some of that excess energy.

Your bedroom definitely out of bounds.

Original poster

Twosixseven · 16/09/2021 19:11

They come for their tea 2 x in the week after school and stay over from Saturday until Sunday afternoon.

We have a system in place when they come in the week. In from school have a catch up, we'll suggest they have a kick about outside or go on their skates for example. Then tea. Then they're allowed to go on the xbox or tablets for an hour or so before going home.

The problem is they don't want to be outside, the youngest is a bit of a hermit (I say that with love) so insists on staying indoors and refuses any suggestion to be out. Eldest follows suit and is happy to stay in as he enjoys playing with DS, aka hyping him up and chasing him all over the place. The screaming and madness starts. Both DSC play fighting and screeching. Parkour off the furniture.

On days they stay overnight we will go to the park, McDonald's or BK, somewhere for a change of scenery and they're fine outdoors - but whenever we're back indoors it's the same thing on repeat.

I'm starting to feel a bit resentful which isn't like me.

OH definitely needs to buck up his ideas of effective parenting, but then I'm made to feel unreasonable for expecting kids to be less like kids.

OP posts:

Original poster

Twosixseven · 16/09/2021 19:12

@PumpkinKlNG

I’m sure you’ve posted before about this?

It's totally possible yes, I'm a regular MNer.

OP posts:

Original poster

Twosixseven · 16/09/2021 19:13

There is no such thing as high functioning autism anymore either. My son would probably be classed as high functioning but he sounds very similar to your stepson and the same age. They struggle but in a different way. He is very loud and excitable, finds it hard to sit down and stay in one place even when he is playing a game

It's actually the eldest who's the worst for the screaming, bouncing about and noise and he's not under investigation for anything.

OP posts:

PumpkinKlNG · 16/09/2021 19:13

You said on your last thread that he never takes them out and everyone told you to leave him

Heartofglass12345 · 16/09/2021 19:14

We got a small trampoline for in the house which helps too, they can bounce on that when they have excess energy.

JuneOsborne · 16/09/2021 19:16

So many questions!

Is your DH always there when the DSC are?
What are the contact arrangements? How often?
Do they have things to do when they're there? Games set up? And adult to play those games?
What does your dp think? Does he think it's a riot when they're there?

I suspect that they just don't know what to do. There appear to be no rules or things set up for them to do.

First thing I'd do is stop them going in your bedroom. Put a lock on there if you have to. That way, it's not your bed being bounced on and if it all gets too much, you can treat there. It also sets the scene for the new baby having a room away from the melee.

Original poster

Twosixseven · 16/09/2021 19:17

@PumpkinKlNG

You said on your last thread that he never takes them out and everyone told you to leave him

That's correct, he doesn't take them out after school they come straight here.

In recent months I've been encouraging trips out at the weekend which has been happening, but it doesn't make any difference.

They're still the same whenever they're in here.

Apologies for not jumping to LTB and uprooting my life.

OP posts:

spicedappledonuts · 16/09/2021 19:19

Maybe have a house rule that as soon as shouting, chasing and play fighting starts they have to go outside and trampoline, play football or similar.
With one behavior warning given.

But this won't work if your DP isn't onboard.

Can you just leave every time this starts up and let him manage it?

PumpkinKlNG · 16/09/2021 19:19

I’m not saying to leave him but I don’t think people are going to tell you any different than they did on the last thread. You knew he had the children before you had children with him.

MorriseysGladioli · 16/09/2021 19:19

You could just start with your bedroom being out of bounds, then build on that.
At least then you have somewhere to escape to.

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