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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say it got damaged

269 replies

JAFS · 16/09/2021 13:35

First time poster so please be kind.

So a girl I lived with at uni listed her grandmas sewing table (table with sewing machine inside) on Facebook a few years ago, probably 5 years ago. I’m not sure market place was even a thing she just shared it. We weren’t ever close friends while we loved together she had a boyfriend she spent most of her time with and we didn’t stay in touch after uni. She asked for £25 I think and we met up to exchange. I said I was sorry about her grandma, she explained her grandma hadn’t died but had dementia and was moving into care hence them clearing out her house. I explained my intention to paint the table and she thought that was sounded good and I think I sent her a photo once I had finished.

A couple of years ago she contact me asking for the table back. I explained that I had bought a few pieces of furniture and painted them up the same therefore it was a very key part of my living room currently. I did say that I ever came to sell it that I would let her know.

Since then I have had two children and I have used the machine to make bits for them. It is a very old machine and quite different to use, I once borrowed my mums machine and actually broke it so it’s a familiar machine now and I really like using it when I get chance.

We have moved house and it’s not quite as key a piece of furniture any more and one day when we can afford a new sofa there would not be room for it where it currently is although I like to think I would always find space for it.

She has contacted me again (probably 3 years since the last time she contacted me) asking for it back. I’ve ignored the message, but been messaged again explaining her grandma has now passed away and how sentimental it is to her 🙄. It’s actually sentimental to me now I’ve made gifts for my nephews, niece and daughter using this machine.

My OH says to tell her it was damaged in a house fire to stop the messages. I am a bit tempted to say it got damaged when moving house or to block her as she’s only using Facebook to contact me.

What shall I do? If she sold it to anyone else she wouldn’t be able to keep pestering (I realise it’s not major pestering as it’s not been twice in 5 years - but I know her personality and she’s not going to stop.)

AIBU to not give it back?? WWYD??

OP posts:
annacondom · 16/09/2021 21:27

No need to lie. "You sold it to me. I've painted it so it's not as you remember it. I use it, so sorry, it's not for sale. Please don't ask me again."

fourminutestosavetheworld · 16/09/2021 21:31

I find some of the responses to be very harsh.

Is it really so hard to empathise with someone who sold an item and now regrets it?

Unless she's threatening to come round with a baseball bat, she's just messaging an old Uni acquaintance to ask whether it's still in use or whether she could buy it back. It's a request, not a court order.

Whenever she has asked in the past, op has said no and she has disappeared for several years, so not really a huge burden on your time either.

The fact that she keeps coming back, regularly, every couple of years, just suggests that she really regrets the sale now she has a house to display it and maybe children of her own.

I get that you don't want to sell op and have no problem with you telling her that you're not ready to sell. But really where's the harm in her contacting you again in two years? I expect she's scared that you'll tire of it and get rid.

RandomMess · 16/09/2021 21:32

I think it's perfectly fine to stay "I still use it regularly, as I said when I bought it from you if I ever do let it go I'll give you first refusal"

TheSmallClangerWhistlesAgain · 16/09/2021 21:40

You don't ask for money for things and then ask for them back. You just don't, it's not how it works.

The poster who suggested that she's found out it's valuable, or had been left to someone else in her GM's will, is probably right.

I've had the opposite situation with my GM leaving me something in her will, which another relative claims they bought her and now want back. It is not theirs. It is mine and I want it. Same with some jewellery from Auntie: once a few bits were found to be valuable, another relative is still clamouring that I should sell it and split the proceeds with others. Auntie left me the jewellery in the box. It is mine, fuck off Susan.

The sewing machine is yours, you bought it.

TractorAndHeadphones · 16/09/2021 21:44

@fourminutestosavetheworld

I find some of the responses to be very harsh.

Is it really so hard to empathise with someone who sold an item and now regrets it?

Unless she's threatening to come round with a baseball bat, she's just messaging an old Uni acquaintance to ask whether it's still in use or whether she could buy it back. It's a request, not a court order.

Whenever she has asked in the past, op has said no and she has disappeared for several years, so not really a huge burden on your time either.

The fact that she keeps coming back, regularly, every couple of years, just suggests that she really regrets the sale now she has a house to display it and maybe children of her own.

I get that you don't want to sell op and have no problem with you telling her that you're not ready to sell. But really where's the harm in her contacting you again in two years? I expect she's scared that you'll tire of it and get rid.

Nobody regrets things for that long unless there's something valuable involved. That 'something' whatever it is now belongs to the OP. What world do you live in where you hold regret for so long? That's not normal or healthy.
TractorAndHeadphones · 16/09/2021 21:44

*sentimental regret

fourminutestosavetheworld · 16/09/2021 21:49

"Nobody regrets things for that long unless there's something valuable involved. That 'something' whatever it is now belongs to the OP.
What world do you live in where you hold regret for so long? That's not normal or healthy."

What a kind response. I do actually still regret selling an ornament that belonged to my grandmother. I thought it was ugly and had no use for it, but did need the cash. I find myself thinking about it every now and again because my grandma loved it. If I knew who I sold it to I can imagine asking whether they'd be willing to sell it back I think. OP has already said it's not valuable so it can only be of sentimental interest.

Auroreforet · 16/09/2021 21:54

Don’t lie, don’t explain.

Just. I am not parting with my sewing machine.

Then block her.

QueenBee52 · 16/09/2021 22:04

she sounds like a right Stalker.. tell her to Pi55 off...

TractorAndHeadphones · 16/09/2021 22:06

@fourminutestosavetheworld

"Nobody regrets things for that long unless there's something valuable involved. That 'something' whatever it is now belongs to the OP. What world do you live in where you hold regret for so long? That's not normal or healthy."

What a kind response. I do actually still regret selling an ornament that belonged to my grandmother. I thought it was ugly and had no use for it, but did need the cash. I find myself thinking about it every now and again because my grandma loved it. If I knew who I sold it to I can imagine asking whether they'd be willing to sell it back I think. OP has already said it's not valuable so it can only be of sentimental interest.

Would you actually ask the person on a regular basis though? That's obsessional and borderline stalkerish
BlackberryMuncher · 16/09/2021 22:28

[quote noprofessional]@BlackberryMuncher You are rude with the manipulative Be Kind bullshit and girl power rhetoric you're pushing. Stop trying to control women by coercing them to be kind.[/quote]
Ha ha ha

Nothing wrong with being kind to people grieving, I'm sorry that you think there is!

No 'girl power' in my posts, no idea what you're on about.

I'm not trying to control anyone - what a weird thing to say.

BlackberryMuncher · 16/09/2021 22:45

@JAFS

Ok so I’ve checked some facts

So I bought it 7 years ago, I think it was actually £50 I paid. It’s not a singer and I really don’t imagine worth much in resale it’s a really obscure make and it wasn’t great wood. I do think the paint could easily be stripped back I didn’t sand it down or anything just applied chalk paint.

She wasn’t overly young at the point of selling - was mid/late 20’s but didn’t own her own home which I think is why she didn’t feel she could keep it. Whereas now she does.

When I have now checked my messages this is the third occasion she has asked for it back, in 2016, 2018 and now.

She’s offering to pay ‘above and beyond’ for it back and for a courier if I would prefer her not to collect in person.

Some of your observations are very right she is a CF and I think she is more than aware that I am inclined to be a people pleaser!!

Those that have said IABU is it more that I wanted to lie or that they think i should ‘give it back’? Not many have commented that I should return it but a fair amount of votes!

@JAFS

For the love of god, but one off eBay, sell her the iriginal one back fir what it costs you to replace it.

She obviously regrets letting it go, so why be so difficult?

You sewing a few bits on it does not give it the same sentimental attachment as she has to it. Her Grandma went into a home & your friend had nowhere to store much, now her Grandma has died & she does have a home for the sewing machine ... have some empathy!

You've contemplated getting rid of it to make room for a sofa... just sell it back to her & stop being so horrible to someone grieving.

dreamofaVWcamper · 16/09/2021 22:53

Wasn't any sentiment when she took the £
She's being stupid!
Don't cave, it's yours now!

Noodella18 · 16/09/2021 23:04

Aw, I have some of my granny's things and I cherish them. I was in a right mess when she died and didn't lay claim to a few bits and still regret it. I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and sell it back to her, and feel nice that you've done a good thing. You're under no obligation to, I would personally just feel sad that I had something which was sentimental to somebody else.

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 16/09/2021 23:23

If she was CF in general when you knew her I would reply that you have no intention of selling and then block her. She should have accepted that you weren't selling after the first message (IMO she shouldn't have messaged at all after selling it but anyway) and messaging again is taking the piss.

QueenBee52 · 16/09/2021 23:27

@BlackberryMuncher

you're responses are very personal and quite telling...

You're the person OP's being harassed by right 😂🤣

WomanStanleyWoman · 16/09/2021 23:40

@Buffoonborisisatwat

REALLY!!?? Just give her the damn machine back. you can get a newer one if you plan on more sewing. Remind her you paid £25 for it and you expect that back from her.
OP doesn’t need to ‘give’ this woman anything. She doesn’t want a newer machine. She has a machine. She’s happy with it. It’s hard luck for the other woman.
QueenBee52 · 16/09/2021 23:40

OP doesn’t need to ‘give’ this woman anything. She doesn’t want a newer machine. She has a machine. She’s happy with it. It’s hard luck for the other woman.

its bizarre isn't it 🤣

WomanStanleyWoman · 16/09/2021 23:42

You've contemplated getting rid of it to make room for a sofa... just sell it back to her & stop being so horrible to someone grieving.

Is this for real? ‘So horrible’? Way over the top.

DixonD · 17/09/2021 00:00

@unlikelytobe

I know in the UK people aren't aware about First Nations and other Indigenous people

Well, I am!

Never heard that term before but instantly baulked at it.

So am I aware, thanks!

Why assume no one (in U.K.) knows about them?!

Seafog · 17/09/2021 00:05

She sold it, it wasn't like she loaned it to you, or gave it as a gift

DixonD · 17/09/2021 00:05

@LateDecemberBackInLowB12

I know in the UK people aren't aware about First Nations and other Indigenous people

Confused yes, that's right, you're the only one. Well done.

Op I would just say you're sorry for her loss but you won't be selling the machine, wish her well then block her.

I actually can’t believe that this poster, @MrsTerryPratchett, who usually comes across as intelligent, would make such a ridiculous statement.
DixonD · 17/09/2021 00:07

@MrsTerryPratchett

Thanks *@Fraine*

I'm just ignoring it. If people want to believe that my suggesting an understandable ignorance of a certain matter is as bad racism, let them.

No one is taking offence at a racist remark being pointed out.

What is offensive is stating that no one in the U.K. is aware of the First Nations or Indigenous populations.

Peoniesandpeaches · 17/09/2021 00:29

@fourminutestosavetheworld

I find some of the responses to be very harsh.

Is it really so hard to empathise with someone who sold an item and now regrets it?

Unless she's threatening to come round with a baseball bat, she's just messaging an old Uni acquaintance to ask whether it's still in use or whether she could buy it back. It's a request, not a court order.

Whenever she has asked in the past, op has said no and she has disappeared for several years, so not really a huge burden on your time either.

The fact that she keeps coming back, regularly, every couple of years, just suggests that she really regrets the sale now she has a house to display it and maybe children of her own.

I get that you don't want to sell op and have no problem with you telling her that you're not ready to sell. But really where's the harm in her contacting you again in two years? I expect she's scared that you'll tire of it and get rid.

Yeah I kind of agree with this and actually think it’s cruel to lie to her. At least knowing someone loves it is a bit of solace. My mum sold a piece of furniture that was part of my inheritance and I was devastated when I found out the buyer had destroyed it and turned it into some “upcycled monstrosity”
MrsClatterbuck · 17/09/2021 00:31

@MatildaTheCat

Bollocks to her deciding it has sentimental value, much more likely it wasn’t hers to sell and she has someone telling her they want it back or she has heard it’s much more valuable than she thought.

Either way the item is now your property. Don’t lie simply say it’s very much part of your life and not for sale.

This. I also think it wasn't hers to sell.
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