AIBU to say it got damaged

[JAFS]

First time poster so please be kind.

So a girl I lived with at uni listed her grandmas sewing table (table with sewing machine inside) on Facebook a few years ago, probably 5 years ago. I’m not sure market place was even a thing she just shared it. We weren’t ever close friends while we loved together she had a boyfriend she spent most of her time with and we didn’t stay in touch after uni. She asked for £25 I think and we met up to exchange. I said I was sorry about her grandma, she explained her grandma hadn’t died but had dementia and was moving into care hence them clearing out her house. I explained my intention to paint the table and she thought that was sounded good and I think I sent her a photo once I had finished.

A couple of years ago she contact me asking for the table back. I explained that I had bought a few pieces of furniture and painted them up the same therefore it was a very key part of my living room currently. I did say that I ever came to sell it that I would let her know.

Since then I have had two children and I have used the machine to make bits for them. It is a very old machine and quite different to use, I once borrowed my mums machine and actually broke it so it’s a familiar machine now and I really like using it when I get chance.

We have moved house and it’s not quite as key a piece of furniture any more and one day when we can afford a new sofa there would not be room for it where it currently is although I like to think I would always find space for it.

She has contacted me again (probably 3 years since the last time she contacted me) asking for it back. I’ve ignored the message, but been messaged again explaining her grandma has now passed away and how sentimental it is to her 🙄. It’s actually sentimental to me now I’ve made gifts for my nephews, niece and daughter using this machine.

My OH says to tell her it was damaged in a house fire to stop the messages. I am a bit tempted to say it got damaged when moving house or to block her as she’s only using Facebook to contact me.

What shall I do? If she sold it to anyone else she wouldn’t be able to keep pestering (I realise it’s not major pestering as it’s not been twice in 5 years - but I know her personality and she’s not going to stop.)

AIBU to not give it back?? WWYD??

She wasn't thinking about her grandma when she sold of her belongings as soon as the poor woman had moved into a nursing home. So she doesn't get to come back a few years later claiming she wants it for sentimental reasons

@Notaroadrunner

Jesus, have a heart, most people need to do a house clearance when an elderly relative goes into a care home!

The friend was young & probably pressured by family to sell things & she probably didn't have anywhere to store a lot of her grandmothers things.

Anyone can ASK for something back. It doesn't mean they have a right to it, but no harm asking. As this has sentimental attachment for the friend I think it's heartless not to give it back to her, but I'm a sentimental person not an owner of a heart made from stone.

The OP doesn't HAVE to give it back, I just think it's unkind not to 💁🏻‍♀️

I think everyone's being really harsh. I can imagine it being sentimental and her really regretting it having sold it for a few quid as a student.
Depending on how she formulated the message to you, I would have considered returning it. She should have offered to buy it back though.

It sounds like it could be part of the grieving process relating to her grandmother. It's obviously your choice, but certainly don't lie. If you say you'd rather keep it and bought it from her, there's nothing she can do.

I also think that it wasn't really hers to sell and that she's getting grief from her parent (the DGM's DD or DS) - or maybe a great-aunt/great-uncle, who has only just fully appreciated its sentimental value now that she's gone.

In fact, she might have told them all along that she 'let you borrow it' rather than that she actually sold it to you, so they're annoyed at why you won't return what they clearly believe to be their property.

It's amazing how many people don't seem to think ahead in cases like this and don't realise that an elderly relative is going to die at some point, after which your feelings towards their possessions may well strengthen.

People saying that it's her problem if it wasn't hers to sell - is that actually true, though, legally speaking? I know that some time has passed, and if it wasn't hers to sell, it would have belonged to one of her family members; but I'm sure I've heard of people who've unwittingly bought stolen goods and then had to give them back and also lost their money. Protesting that you paid for it fair and square means nothing, as the person whom you paid (in good faith on your part) did not own it and thus had no right to sell it. Is that technically different, just because it's a family member?

I am cynical but I also wonder if another relative has said that they were promised the sewing machine and table or it may even be an item specifically mentioned in a will, in which case it sounds like the original sale shouldn’t have happened. However the OP entered into the sale having been given the impression this was a true and genuine intention to sell and transfer ownership from the seller to the buyer.

I’d just reply simply, offering condolences however the table and machine are not available for sale. Then if she responds and gets nasty I’d block at that point.

Just say " It is not for sale. Don't pester me again."

@Iris2020

I think everyone's being really harsh. I can imagine it being sentimental and her really regretting it having sold it for a few quid as a student. Depending on how she formulated the message to you, I would have considered returning it. She should have offered to buy it back though.

It sounds like it could be part of the grieving process relating to her grandmother. It's obviously your choice, but certainly don't lie. If you say you'd rather keep it and bought it from her, there's nothing she can do.

I agree she may well regret it. It depends on her message really. If it was along the lines of 'This is a big ask, I know, but I've only realised now Nan's gone how much it means to me and wondered if there was any chance...' etc etc, then I might feel inclined to sell it back to her –sell, not give – but if she's being less polite and explanatory then I'd think 'tough, I bought it fair and square'. I wouldn't lie and say it was damaged. I'd remind her that you bought it from her, and see where it goes from there.

@MrsTerryPratchett

I think this is knowns as an "Indian gift" i.e. the giver reserves the right to request it back. Except she SOLD it to you.

I know in the UK people aren't aware about First Nations and other Indigenous people but this is VERY racist. Please don't use this expression.

I think people in the U.K. are, like most people in the world, familiar with Native American and First Nation peoples...

Fecking hell there's no need to tell her to sod off or piss off.

Just be polite but firm, offer your condolences on the loss of her grandmother and tell her you have no intention of selling it.

I feel a bit sorry for her as she obviously realises how much it meant after getting rid of it, or maybe a family member has since been upset with her selling it....but the fact is she did sell it, and YANBU for not giving it back.

She sold it. Didn't engage any further.

She sold it. Just tell her that

Sorry your grandma died xxxx, but you sold the machine to me, I use it all the time and it’s not for sale

Then block her

I also agree that, although she sold it to you fair and square, it's a bit harsh to just slap her down and say 'tough, you should have thought of that at the time'. Although you have no legal (or moral) obligation to sell it back to her, I don't think she's outrageous for bitterly regretting it now (assuming it was hers to sell, and she isn't getting grief from the actual owner/heir).

I'm in a similar position now and have been clearing an elderly relative's house, but I've been thinking very carefully before FreeCycling/offering anything (I haven't asked for money for anything) and making sure that items being rehomed aren't ones that I will later regret, because of how they remind me of my loved one and how much they might have meant to her.

A big difference is that I am (by the sounds of it) twice the age OP's housemate was when she was dealing with her DGM's stuff, so I've had that much more life experience (also having lost others too) and ability to think through how meaningful things can be longer term - which may not always be apparent to a very young adult.

Just tell her it’s not for sale but should you ever decide to part with it you’ll give her first refusal and the price will be at least 3 figures as it’s sentimental to you now. Then block her and carry on.

I wouldn't respond, just block. She did sell it to you, she has already asked, time to let it go. Unless you don't mind giving it back of course.

I'm going against the grain here, but I think the kind thing to do would be to sell it back to her for the price you paid her for it.

Perhaps you could get another one if you find it such a useful piece of furniture.

If it was that previous she would never have sold it.

I reckon she has looked at the price of second hand machines and thinks she can get it cheaply off you.

I disagree with the majority. I'd give it back. OK, she sold it, but not for very many £ and she's clearly changed her mind. That happens. She probably didn't have space for it at the time and/or underestimated the later need to have some connection with her grandma. Maybe she doesn't have anything else of hers and you are relatively easy to contact.

It sounds like you've had your money's worth after all these years. You say yourself it's not really a key part of the furniture. And the bit about sentimental value after making a few items on it over 5 years seems a bit of a stretch really.

Once you remind her that you painted it she may not want it. But really, unless I really disliked this old friend and didn't care about her feelings at all, I'd have to give it her back. Surprised by the other responses.

@Tulipomania

I'm going against the grain here, but I think the kind thing to do would be to sell it back to her for the price you paid her for it.

Perhaps you could get another one if you find it such a useful piece of furniture.

I don't think OP would have a problem with that but from the way it was worded, it seemed like she expected it back as it was hers.

But the OP hasn't been back since posting so we may never know

@irregularegular

I disagree with the majority. I'd give it back. OK, she sold it, but not for very many £ and she's clearly changed her mind. That happens. She probably didn't have space for it at the time and/or underestimated the later need to have some connection with her grandma. Maybe she doesn't have anything else of hers and you are relatively easy to contact.

It sounds like you've had your money's worth after all these years. You say yourself it's not really a key part of the furniture. And the bit about sentimental value after making a few items on it over 5 years seems a bit of a stretch really.

Once you remind her that you painted it she may not want it. But really, unless I really disliked this old friend and didn't care about her feelings at all, I'd have to give it her back. Surprised by the other responses.

You're surprised that people agree with keeping something bought and paid for? Especially after the restoring done by the OP? Having said that whether she's being outrageous depends on how she asked. Did she offer to pay for it or does she just want it back? Also OP I suggest you have a quick google or get someone to value it. I wouldn't put it past her to want it to resell after having found its true value.

@CheapFoodShits

Don't lie, just tell her the truth. She sold it to you, you paid what she asked and she needs to stop asking for it back. I don't think sentiment has anything to do with it. My guess is she saw one for sale well over the price you paid and she wants it back to sell for more money. Either way, tell her to stop asking.

This!

It was a sale not a loan, it's sad her grandma passed away but if it was a sentimental item to her originally she wouldn't have sold it.

Just say to her sorry to hear about her grandmas passing but the item isn't for sale.

I suspect she isn't planning on buying it back anyway and just wants it back so she can sell it for a higher price - feck off.

I suspect she isn't planning on buying it back anyway and just wants it back so she can sell it for a higher price

Why do people always assume the worst in others? You have absolutely no idea, or are you judging by your own low standards?

@AColdDuncanGoodhew

It was a sale not a loan, it's sad her grandma passed away but if it was a sentimental item to her originally she wouldn't have sold it.

Just say to her sorry to hear about her grandmas passing but the item isn't for sale.

I suspect she isn't planning on buying it back anyway and just wants it back so she can sell it for a higher price - feck off.

She might have not gotten what she expected from the inheritance - and see this as a way to make up. I'm sorry to sound so cynical but I've seen too much of the world

@Tulipomania

I suspect she isn't planning on buying it back anyway and just wants it back so she can sell it for a higher price

Why do people always assume the worst in others? You have absolutely no idea, or are you judging by your own low standards?

Because she wouldn’t have sold it if it was at all sentimental for her.

You are urging OP to accept low standards for herself.

@Tulipomania

I suspect she isn't planning on buying it back anyway and just wants it back so she can sell it for a higher price

Why do people always assume the worst in others? You have absolutely no idea, or are you judging by your own low standards?

Because if it was really sentimental she'd offer a higher price to buy it back. Or the thought of compensating someone else would enter her head. I'm willing to stand corrected if she did do this but it's unlikely given her second message related to sentiment and not the financial benefit to the OP.