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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

fed up of sons girlfriend

362 replies

NoIdeaWhatItMeans · 15/09/2021 22:32

I've got an adult son. didn't think I'd ever mention him on mumsnet, he likes his privacy and I only tend to talk about him in private messages to friends. Hence why posts under previous username specify that partner and I only have one child, step DD.

Anyway, he's 16 and homeschooled. I know it hardly counts as an adult, but technically he is. He's homeschooled, and his girlfriend (15) who's also homeschooled visits often, and is practically family now. She lives a few hours away, she gets here by train and sleeps over sometimes. She wants to move in, it'd make practical and financial sense. Her parents are ok with it

I was never comfortable with the idea of her coming here from the moment I saw the way she was dressed and acting, and after that just became more and more sure of it. She's particularly nice to my partner and her boyfriend, but is passive aggresive to me and actually quite rude. I don't know why, because I'm older? She'll make comments that are meant to be 'jokes', everyone will laugh it off. She's a bully to me and no one else. She makes the rules and everyone is ok with it but me. I can't tell any of them what to do, but everyone's ok with following her instruction. It's so belittling. I also feel that her choice in behaviour and clothes has been influencing step DD as she's practically turning in to her.

This paints everyone involved in a bad light I'm aware, other than this and a few other issues DP and DS are great and our lives are good enough that I don't want to leave.

But I've got no idea how to handle this, if I even can?

OP posts:
Clocktopus · 15/09/2021 22:38

Don't let her move in? She's 15, even if her parents are okay with it she's fifteen. Would her parents retain responsibility for her or would you be responsible? What happens if she doesn't want to follow your rules on something like drinking or staying out late? Or what if your rules differ from her parents rules, how would that be handled? Not to mention the fact that you very clearly don't like her, that's not a healthy environment for a child to be in.

Clocktopus · 15/09/2021 22:39

And 16 isn't technically an adult, legally he's still a minor and so is she.

INeed2P · 15/09/2021 22:39

You don't let someone move in who you don't want to firstly. Also at 15, she should be respecting you as an adult and following your rules / respecting your family and home!

My SIL is like this, sucks up to FIL and DP then is rude to me and MIL, it's a weird "alpha female" thing - luckily it's worn thin and FIL / DP have realised how rude she is to me and MIL. Hasn't worked out well for her!

undecided2022 · 15/09/2021 22:40

Your son isn't an adult.

Tell the other child that no, she can not move in.

Keeva2017 · 15/09/2021 22:41

Sounds like a private fostering arrangement - need assessment and oversight from LA. Use that as a reason to say no.

Nannyamc · 15/09/2021 22:42

Put your foot down now.
Far too young for this. Your house your rules.

MrsSkylerWhite · 15/09/2021 22:42

She’s 15. I’m no expert but I believe at 16 your son could be charged with statutory tape if they are sleeping together (no doubt wiser respondents can advise).
If that is the case, you don’t want to be party to that, surely?
Just, no.

Original poster
NoIdeaWhatItMeans · 15/09/2021 22:44

I know what's going on isn't ok, I just don't know how to enforce my boundaries when they don't listen to me. They're teenagers, particularly difficult ones when it comes to this and I feel like I can't make them do anything. Especially when partner owns the house and doesn't seem to mind the girlfriend, then again I'm the only one being bullied by her. Come on, what can I realistically do?

OP posts:
INeed2P · 15/09/2021 22:45

@NoIdeaWhatItMeans tell your partner if she moves in you leave? Confused

I'm not sure why your partner would put a 15 year old girl and your DSs girlfriend above you?

Ragwort · 15/09/2021 22:45

Of course she shouldn't move in Shock, why are you even considering it? And at 16 your DS is not 'technically' an adult. Be the parent.

Yellow85 · 15/09/2021 22:45

Sorry her parents are happy for her to move in with her boyfriend at 15?!! Surely not. I’d be more worried about them than her if that’s true. Also, would you then be homeschooling her too if she did move in?

HollowTalk · 15/09/2021 22:46

Oh for heaven's sake you don't let her 15-year-old girl decide she's going to move in with you! Just say no! Why would anybody want the hassle of somebody else moving in, never mind a teenager never mind a probably temporary girlfriend!

bamboobird · 15/09/2021 22:46

Your DS isn't an adult.. he seems to be a boundaries-testing teen. You can say NO. Your home, your rules.

Thomasina79 · 15/09/2021 22:46

Just, no. This is your house, you decide who lives there. Is the 15 year old going to pay the bills. Thought not.

Your house, your rules!

PermanentTemporary · 15/09/2021 22:46

Just laugh at her a bit more. In a gentle way. She's 15, she's a kid! No she's not moving in. Relax a bit. Feel a bit sorry for her if you can - horrible that her parents would be happy for her to move out. She probably enjoys getting more attention and affection at your house and it's great that she does, but it's your house. Maybe give her a chance to open up about her parents.

bamboobird · 15/09/2021 22:47

and she * seems to be a boundaries-testing teen.
Apologies for my typo BlushBlush

Clocktopus · 15/09/2021 22:47

You tell him no, she's not moving in and then you stick to it. Every time he asks - "no". If he tries to move her in by stealth, send her home and if she won't go then ring her parents to come and take her home, if they won't come then ring Social Services.

Have you tried speaking to her parents and telling them that she is not allowed to move in?

Original poster
NoIdeaWhatItMeans · 15/09/2021 22:48

I haven't said or implied anywhere that I want her to move in. Quite the opposite. If it was easy enough to just say no, I wouldn't be posting here.

OP posts:
Mammyloveswine · 15/09/2021 22:48

What is the issue with her clothes?

wheretoyougonow · 15/09/2021 22:48

I mean this kindly when I say you have bigger problems if you don't feel you have a say who lives in your house because your partner owns it. No way in hell would I allow a 15 year old CHILD to move in to my house. It's starting to sound like no-one listens or respects you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/09/2021 22:48

What rules does she make?! It’s your house! Get it back. Now.

CassandraTrotter · 15/09/2021 22:48

he likes his privacy and I only tend to talk about him in private messages to friends. Hence why posts under previous username specify that partner and I only have one child, step DD this makes no sense at all. you can admit to having a child without talking about them.

Anyway, he's 16 and homeschooled. I know it hardly counts as an adult, but technically he is no he isnt. He is a child. Shy do you think he is technically an adult?

What can you realistically do about the girlfriend? Say she doesnt stay. She is 15 ffs.

Ionlydomassiveones · 15/09/2021 22:48

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

CassandraTrotter · 15/09/2021 22:49

And whats wrong with her clothes? Is she wearing the wrong sports team?

SleepingBunnies21 · 15/09/2021 22:49

Your house, your rules.

Don't let her move in FFS.

She needs to learn a basic lesson in life that you don't treat one of the two heads of a household with disrespect and then expect to move into said household. Or just in general, you don't treat someone with disrespect avd then expect them to do what you want, put your wishes first etc.

Also theyre far far too young to be living together, whether it's under parental roof or not.

The stat rape point is also valid.

And she'll probably get knocked up by him and then you'll never fkg get rid of her. Stoll possible if she doesn't move in, bit at least you wouldn't have provided the bed, bedding, lighting etc that they did it in.

Absolutely crazy idea in the first place.