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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

fed up of sons girlfriend

362 replies

NoIdeaWhatItMeans · 15/09/2021 22:32

I've got an adult son. didn't think I'd ever mention him on mumsnet, he likes his privacy and I only tend to talk about him in private messages to friends. Hence why posts under previous username specify that partner and I only have one child, step DD.

Anyway, he's 16 and homeschooled. I know it hardly counts as an adult, but technically he is. He's homeschooled, and his girlfriend (15) who's also homeschooled visits often, and is practically family now. She lives a few hours away, she gets here by train and sleeps over sometimes. She wants to move in, it'd make practical and financial sense. Her parents are ok with it

I was never comfortable with the idea of her coming here from the moment I saw the way she was dressed and acting, and after that just became more and more sure of it. She's particularly nice to my partner and her boyfriend, but is passive aggresive to me and actually quite rude. I don't know why, because I'm older? She'll make comments that are meant to be 'jokes', everyone will laugh it off. She's a bully to me and no one else. She makes the rules and everyone is ok with it but me. I can't tell any of them what to do, but everyone's ok with following her instruction. It's so belittling. I also feel that her choice in behaviour and clothes has been influencing step DD as she's practically turning in to her.

This paints everyone involved in a bad light I'm aware, other than this and a few other issues DP and DS are great and our lives are good enough that I don't want to leave.

But I've got no idea how to handle this, if I even can?

OP posts:
Rogue1001 · 15/09/2021 23:47

I wonder why these children are homeschooled?

eeek88 · 15/09/2021 23:47

You can’t stop people from doing X,Y or Z* , but you can tell them what you’re going to do if they do it. And then you stick to your word.

*unless they respect you, which it sounds as if this lot don’t

Pinkbonbon · 15/09/2021 23:48

Side note op, if she speaks to you disrespectfully then why wouldn't you just say 'who do you think you are talking to with that attitude? Get out of ma house ya wee fanny and dont come back again, you aren't welcome'. Problem solved. And if your shitty husband cant back you up in diciplinging his own som, turf that useless bastard out on his ass too.

QueenBee52 · 15/09/2021 23:48

@Rogue1001

I wonder why these children are homeschooled?

is it perhaps Covid ?

eeek88 · 15/09/2021 23:51

@Rogue1001

I wonder why these children are homeschooled?
Because the kids decide what they want to do and then the adults facilitate it?

Just remember that being the ADULT when you are a parent is an act of love and that includes deciding what is in your child’s interests, enforcing your decision, putting your foot down about rudeness, deciding who lives in the house, and all kinds of things that don’t seem to be happening here. Putting in place boundaries is not cruel. It’s necessary. Without boundaries children are miserable.

waybill · 15/09/2021 23:51

I'd be interested to know just why her parents are so happy to see the back of her.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 15/09/2021 23:51

Enroll him in local secondary school and start sending him to classes. He will meet lots of other girls and this one will lose her hold on him.

trappistkepler · 15/09/2021 23:52

show your partner this thread.

WhyMeLord · 15/09/2021 23:52

Your partner usually backs you on all issues but digs his heels in and refuses to listen when it concerns moving a 15 year old girl into his home? That’s pretty creepy

ohwhattodowithmylife · 15/09/2021 23:53

Move out!!
She is not your responsibility and explain you are not taking on that responsibility.
She is not an adult, who would support her financially, support her with he needs - health, emotional etc.
When he's an adult he can move out an live with girlfriends but kit when they are both still children

notacooldad · 15/09/2021 23:55

Sounds like a private fostering arrangement - need assessment and oversight from LA. Use that as a reason to say no
You dont need to come up with reasons. You are the parent. " No, I'm sorry, you dont like my answer, but she is not moving in' is enough of an answer.

She’s 15. I’m no expert but I believe at 16 your son could be charged with statutory rape if they are sleeping together (no doubt wiser respondents can advise)
If police started every teenager of this age that's shagging with rape the courts would never deal with anything else!!!

BlueMoons90 · 15/09/2021 23:55

This is so strange? Just say no?

Highly recommend trying to find the thread if that poor woman in Australia whose son (similar age to yours I think) had maybe the most terrible girlfriend in the history of girlfriends.

Hawkins001 · 15/09/2021 23:56

All the best op

ShaneTheThird · 16/09/2021 00:00

This is the weirdest thing I have read in a long time. So your previous mm posts claim you only have a dp and step daughter, you keep referring to your son who is a child as an adult and the thing you criticize the most is a 15 year olds clothes. You also seem to keep saying how she's Lovely to your son, dsd and partner but it's you she's rude to and bully's yet no one else ever hears or notices? Also at 15 and 16 you put your foot down and say no like an adult.

DreamTheMoors · 16/09/2021 00:03

@NoIdeaWhatItMeans

Nothing I say will work? They don't listen to me. and I struggle to believe that child protective services would do anything. There are people in far worse situations. I'd rather reserve their time and resources for them. Sounds like a drastic suggestion.
@NoIdeaWhatItMeans

WHY are you on Mumsnet asking for advice when you’re unwilling to take take any???

Plumtree391 · 16/09/2021 00:04

I don't think she should move in, frankly. What happens if she and your son fall out? That is likely to happen as they are so young. I'm surprised at the girl's parents being happy about their daughter moving out of their home at 15, never mind moving in with boyfriend's parents. It is most odd.

It's difficult to understand why you cannot just refuse, op, and that's why people are insinuating you are a doormat. You say you live in your partner's house with your son and his daughter (are you not married ?), but it is your home, you're the 'mum' and entitled to have a say. Most mothers would take charge of a situation like this.

I also wonder in what respect this girl bullies you. You must be very timid.

If things are really as difficult as you portray, I'd be inclined to say to husband, "If she moves in, I move out", and mean it. I presume you go to work, you can find somewhere to rent. You shouldn't have to but on the other hand, you shouldn't be so downtrodden in your own home.

It seems things have been allowed which have got out of hand. I guess they are sleeping together which is illegal as she is under sixteen but I suppose she won't be that age for much longer; in any case, I doubt the law would do anything as the pair are so close in age, they reserve action for youngsters who are being exploited (which is fair enough).

Both kids being home schooled is irrelevant, it would be just the same if they went out to school. I don't know what to say about the girl's dress, one person's idea of being too revealing is not another's. However, if she was a nice girl and not horrible to you, it probably wouldn't be an issue.

Please take some professional advice. Your authority is being undermined and I know how demoralising that can be. It will effect your health eventually.

If you were prepared to strike out on your own, you would gain respect. It's drastic but might be necessary.

I'm so sorry.
Flowers

SemperIdem · 16/09/2021 00:04

Are you for real? 🤨

Your 16 year old is not an adult and neither is his 15 year old girlfriend.

me4real · 16/09/2021 00:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

ShaneTheThird · 16/09/2021 00:08

@me4real what the fuck is wrong with you?

BoredZelda · 16/09/2021 00:11

I'm not sure why your partner would put a 15 year old girl and your DSs girlfriend above you?

Oh come on, OP hasn’t made it that hard to read between the lines.

Fraine · 16/09/2021 00:12

@me4real you’re seriously not helping. The police aren’t going to do anything about a 16yo with a 15yo. The OP doesn’t even say they’re having sex.

It’s OP’s home and if she doesn’t want the girlfriend there then that’s it.

OP, don’t ask or plead. Just say very calmly to them all that she won’t be staying over any more until she adjusts her attitude to you and she sure as hell won’t be moving in.

AllyBama · 16/09/2021 00:16

Bizarre thread.
16 is not an adult. Technically or otherwise. He is a child. Is he telling you that and you’re believing it?

YOU are the adult. Simple.

Unless we’re missing a massive dripfeed, there’s some cultural element or something…
You literally just say… no son. This is my house, I pay the bills/rent/mortgage and until you’ve got your name on the deed, you don’t get to decide who moves in. If you don’t like it, move out.

I understand that you feel you can’t say no to him because you perhaps haven’t said no very much to him up to this point? But that doesn’t mean that you can’t start now.

Lunde · 16/09/2021 00:19

There seems to be a huge range of issues in your thread and I think you need to think about them and prioritize what is essential to dealwith and in what order
1. you and DH - one of the biggest problems seem to be the issue that you and dh are not on the same page regarding parenting and the result is that the teenagers are exploiting mixed messages. Both of you need to speak your minds about what is /is not acceptable - when your dh says yes and you say no it is a recipe for problems

2. moving in 15 year old - this sounds like a disaster waiting to happen with her being underage, It is fraught with danger for you and your son. How has this come about? Where are her parents in this? >Have you spoken directly to the parents or are you relying on teenager magical thinking?

3 being bullied - you repeat this phrase several times that you feel bullied by the 15 year old- however I'm struggling to understand what this really consists of . can you give examples?

4 clothing - what is it about her clothing that is so bad that it is such a big issue for you? Is it not best to ignore teen fashion fads?

Bettysnow · 16/09/2021 00:26

Sit your partner down and explain everything that has been happening. Tell him about her behaviour towards you and that you do not want her moving in. You both then need to sit your son down and both tell him no. Ignore any tantrums and tell him if shes rude to you once more she will no longer be allowed to even visit. Phone her parents and tell them she isn't moving in and if she lands with her bags etc contact her parents immediately and tell them that they either come and get her or the police will be bringing her home. If they ignore you then you need to ring the police and have her removed. Once they see you mean business they will take you seriously

knitnerd90 · 16/09/2021 00:27

This thread doesn't make a lick of sense (and OP does sound American, but that's another matter).

What I am hearing here is that you have never had control in your household, so you don't think you can assert yourself now. That is why people think you are being a doomat--because this sort of behaviour doesn't crop up out of nowhere. There's two possibilities: That your DP is in charge of the house, or that the two of you run the sort of household where the kids are in charge. Changing that sort of pattern requires you to assert yourself.

The girl's parents are ultimately irrelevant. Even if they want her to move in with you, it Is up to you to allow it. You don't need a reason. No is a complete sentence. Even if she does online lessons, she is not your child and you have no obligation to be in charge of her.

I feel like I am in upside-down world if this is a thing parents think are okay.