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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

fed up of sons girlfriend

362 replies

NoIdeaWhatItMeans · 15/09/2021 22:32

I've got an adult son. didn't think I'd ever mention him on mumsnet, he likes his privacy and I only tend to talk about him in private messages to friends. Hence why posts under previous username specify that partner and I only have one child, step DD.

Anyway, he's 16 and homeschooled. I know it hardly counts as an adult, but technically he is. He's homeschooled, and his girlfriend (15) who's also homeschooled visits often, and is practically family now. She lives a few hours away, she gets here by train and sleeps over sometimes. She wants to move in, it'd make practical and financial sense. Her parents are ok with it

I was never comfortable with the idea of her coming here from the moment I saw the way she was dressed and acting, and after that just became more and more sure of it. She's particularly nice to my partner and her boyfriend, but is passive aggresive to me and actually quite rude. I don't know why, because I'm older? She'll make comments that are meant to be 'jokes', everyone will laugh it off. She's a bully to me and no one else. She makes the rules and everyone is ok with it but me. I can't tell any of them what to do, but everyone's ok with following her instruction. It's so belittling. I also feel that her choice in behaviour and clothes has been influencing step DD as she's practically turning in to her.

This paints everyone involved in a bad light I'm aware, other than this and a few other issues DP and DS are great and our lives are good enough that I don't want to leave.

But I've got no idea how to handle this, if I even can?

OP posts:
MrsOvertonsWindow · 15/09/2021 23:17

First you need to get your partner on side. Having a 15 year old girl moving in is a safeguarding issue. You don't have parental responsibility for her and 15 years olds should not be cohabitating with their boyfriend in his house. Think of the consequences and level of responsibility you could have if she had an accident? claimed assault or abuse? hit / abused your younger child? (I know this may be unlikely but they're a possibility)

You cannot have parental responsibility for someone else's 15 year old just because she wants it. Can you discuss it with your partner? Can you talk to him about how she treats you and get him to understand that it's not acceptable?

Maybe speak to the NSPCC safeguarding helpline about how to stop this? 0808 800 5000

Original poster
NoIdeaWhatItMeans · 15/09/2021 23:18

I'm tired of being told to say no, when I know that it wont work. To everyone else, she's more than decent (except what she wears, inappropriate for the weather and revealing). I need some realistic ideas, to enforce boundaries against it.

Generally, partner listens to me about issues. I appreciate this one off incident doesn't look good on him.

Yes, I've gotten confused with the age of consent. Sorry.

OP posts:
HasaDigaEebowai · 15/09/2021 23:18

Yes I suspect there are already lots of reports.

SleepingBunnies21 · 15/09/2021 23:18

Shw also sounds like a poor influence on your daughter.

And before long your daughter will probably be copying her disrespect towards you.

No fkg way.

Tinpotspectator · 15/09/2021 23:19

You need to get a grip and stop treating yourself like a bit player in your own home. You also have skewed boundaries about what counts as an adult and what they are entitled to whilst living with, and off, you.

balernobetty · 15/09/2021 23:19

"Practically and financially it would make sense"

It absolutely does not make sense, a 15 year old should not be moving in with her boyfriend. I can't see why it's even being discussed. Just cause she wants to does not mean she gets to

Schoolchoicesucks · 15/09/2021 23:19

Don't let her move in.

Don't allow her to bully you. What has your dp said when you've spoken with him about how she is treating you?

Or your -not- adult son for that matter?

If my kids friends are rude to me, they don't get to spend time at my house.

I worry there is more going on here - that she is not the only person bullying you or not valuing your opinions. Otherwise you would have nipped this in the bud far sooner.

A 15 and 16 year old moving in together into the family home is not a healthy start to a relationship. It gives them no space to form an adult relationship. What are her parents thinking?

Does your son spend time with her family? Let them have a long distance thing, but no moving in until they are actual adults.

Original poster
NoIdeaWhatItMeans · 15/09/2021 23:19

Some things have been suggested that I will discuss with partner as I think it will help

thank you

OP posts:
Yaya26 · 15/09/2021 23:19

This is barmy. They're both kids. It's all nonsense. No one should be moving anywhere. You're an adult. Talk some sense and say NO!

Thesearmsofmine · 15/09/2021 23:20

OP this is all very odd. If she is living with you, who is going to pay for her online lessons? Who is going to be responsible when she can’t be bothered doing them? Are you willing to take on the responsibility of her education until she is 18?

titchy · 15/09/2021 23:20

I know - you go and stay with her parents. They'll have a spare bed once she moved in with your ds. Just wear inappropriate clothes and bully them and get all stroppy when they say no. Realistically what can they do 🤷‍♀️

HasaDigaEebowai · 15/09/2021 23:20

To everyone else, she's more than decent

Being more than decent is not a reason to let a random child move herself into your house. I would be pointing out the fact that since you would then be acting in the role of parent they would be treated like siblings and expected to behave accordingly

SleepingBunnies21 · 15/09/2021 23:20

I'm tired of being told to say no, when I know that it wont work.

You should he able to say no and have it respected by your husband/partner ... you are the only two people whose decision matters in this.

Why is it that that won't happen/is not happening?

scoopgalore · 15/09/2021 23:21
Hmm
Thesearmsofmine · 15/09/2021 23:22

You should be able to say no and have that respected by your partner. That fact that you can’t is very worrying tbh, why would he want a 15 year old girl to move in?

SleepingBunnies21 · 15/09/2021 23:22

To everyone else, she's more than decent

And what? So what?

She can Mary fjg Poppins junior, it duesbt mean you gave to move her into your house. She's not your child, she's not your responsibility. It's inappropriate for a 15 ye old girl to be staying over at let alone living with a 16 Yr old bf in his family home anyway!

HollowTalk · 15/09/2021 23:23

Is your son homeschooled because he refused to go to school? Does he mix with a large number of people his own age? I don't know anyone who would want their son's girlfriend coming to live with them. I just wondered where he was getting his ideas from.

Theimpossiblegirl · 15/09/2021 23:24

You need to have a grown up conversation with your DP and you both need to say no. They are children and shouldn't have this much control. She is 15, she needs to be at home or in foster care, not shacked up with her boyfriend in his parents house. It's a terrible idea all round.
While you're at it, make sure the children who are having an adult relationship are at least protected from making a child of their own.

HollowTalk · 15/09/2021 23:24

Just thought, will you be expected to homeschool her as well? What a nightmare.

I would say to her parents that there is no chance that this is going to happen.

Libraryghost · 15/09/2021 23:25

You are the adult. She is a 15 year old child. It really is simple. You say no. Honestly I am not being unsympathetic but I don’t get it. Is it your house or not? You are in charge here. No wonder she bullies you. You allow it. Stop It right now and tell them all to piss off. You don’t want her living in your home. End of.

SleepingBunnies21 · 15/09/2021 23:25

And whether they don't (or won't) see her disrespect towards you, it diesbt matter - you ate one of two heads of this household and home; you feel she has been disrespectful towards you and you also (should) feel.it is inappropriate and unwise to have her move into your home and live with your teenage, school age son ..... that's enough, that's valid, that's your perogative!!!!

SleepingBunnies21 · 15/09/2021 23:26

@HollowTalk

Just thought, will you be expected to homeschool her as well? What a nightmare.

I would say to her parents that there is no chance that this is going to happen.

Op already said no, she studies online.
RosyPoesy · 15/09/2021 23:26

I was never comfortable with the idea of her coming here from the moment I saw the way she was dressed and acting
I just want to say that you can’t judge a 15yo on the behaviour she’s learned from the adults around her. She’s clearly from a bad family otherwise they wouldn’t even consider letting their child move in with a stranger. She’s probably had a lot of negative influences and a lack of appropriate role models, and is dressing like she sees the people around her dressing. That doesn’t mean she’s a bad kid, she may well grow up to be respectable. Having said that, I wouldn’t let her move in. But just be aware that she may actually be very nice (clearly your DS sees something in her) and she just needs pointing in the right direction.

Scbchl · 15/09/2021 23:26

For goodness sake grow a back bone and tell your 18 year old CHILD (not an adult till 18) NO his minor girlfriend is not moving in to your bloody house and you are no longer willing to discuss. If he has an issue he can move to hers. Then TELL your partner your decision. Job done.

Sayithowitisbaby · 15/09/2021 23:26

Everyone on here has said to say no your son's gf can't move in. You have said its not as easy as saying no basically because you're not listened to or respected in your partner's home. Seems like this will result in your son's gf moving in, so what exactly do you want us to tell you?

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