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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

fed up of sons girlfriend

362 replies

NoIdeaWhatItMeans · 15/09/2021 22:32

I've got an adult son. didn't think I'd ever mention him on mumsnet, he likes his privacy and I only tend to talk about him in private messages to friends. Hence why posts under previous username specify that partner and I only have one child, step DD.

Anyway, he's 16 and homeschooled. I know it hardly counts as an adult, but technically he is. He's homeschooled, and his girlfriend (15) who's also homeschooled visits often, and is practically family now. She lives a few hours away, she gets here by train and sleeps over sometimes. She wants to move in, it'd make practical and financial sense. Her parents are ok with it

I was never comfortable with the idea of her coming here from the moment I saw the way she was dressed and acting, and after that just became more and more sure of it. She's particularly nice to my partner and her boyfriend, but is passive aggresive to me and actually quite rude. I don't know why, because I'm older? She'll make comments that are meant to be 'jokes', everyone will laugh it off. She's a bully to me and no one else. She makes the rules and everyone is ok with it but me. I can't tell any of them what to do, but everyone's ok with following her instruction. It's so belittling. I also feel that her choice in behaviour and clothes has been influencing step DD as she's practically turning in to her.

This paints everyone involved in a bad light I'm aware, other than this and a few other issues DP and DS are great and our lives are good enough that I don't want to leave.

But I've got no idea how to handle this, if I even can?

OP posts:
titchy · 15/09/2021 23:08

Since when has the age of adulthood been 16 in the UK? Just googled - apparently not since medieval times.

HasaDigaEebowai · 15/09/2021 23:08

We are in the UK, so he is technically an adult as he is 16.

What are you talking about ffs. A child is a minor until they are 18 in the uk.

Cirin · 15/09/2021 23:08

@NoIdeaWhatItMeans

Nothing I say will work? They don't listen to me. and I struggle to believe that child protective services would do anything. There are people in far worse situations. I'd rather reserve their time and resources for them. Sounds like a drastic suggestion.
You do not permit strangers to live in your home regardless of whether 'nothing I say will work.' If some bloke off the street walked in and decided to live there, would you allow that? Of course not.

How preposterous! I've seen some weak-willed parenting, but usually of the sort where tired parents give in and buy McDonalds. Not where they just allow randoms to live in their home because they've long forgotten how to say no.

SleepingBunnies21 · 15/09/2021 23:08

*present a united front

Original poster
NoIdeaWhatItMeans · 15/09/2021 23:09

my sons girlfriend does online lessons etc so we wouldnt be sitting down with her for homeschooling as she handles it herself

OP posts:
SleepingBunnies21 · 15/09/2021 23:09

Is op mixing it up with the age of consent?

LittleOwl153 · 15/09/2021 23:09

Are you in the UK OP? Because what you are suggesting wouldn't be able to just happen here I'm sure as at 15 she is - like it or not - a minor. Who your underage ds could be prosecuted for having seen with...

Seems you have bigger problems though. You need to get a say in your own life - sort out your own home.

Mulhollandmagoo · 15/09/2021 23:10

You say no? Tell both of them she won't be moving in as you don't want to assume responsibility for another child! Tell your partner how you feel and you'll probably find he won't be OK with her moving in at all, but if he is bin him off too

SleepingBunnies21 · 15/09/2021 23:10

Back on that topic, you're facilitating/hosting statutory rape if your son and his 15 yr old gf have sex in your home.

ChocAuVin · 15/09/2021 23:10

This is a profoundly odd thread.

Cirin · 15/09/2021 23:10

@NoIdeaWhatItMeans

We are in the UK, so he is technically an adult as he is 16.

We know of the parents, have met them a few times, but we only really talk to them to discuss her coming there or back or making other plans. Everyone else being in favour of her means that no one will listen to me, and ds girlfriends parents also think that I should just let them be although they didn't put it like that.

If partner and ds say it's fine what can I do?

Between complaining a visiting child 'bullies you' and the 'no one every listens to me' attitude, I'm thinking the weak link here is you're commitment to being a complete doormat.
Houseplantmad · 15/09/2021 23:11

There’s so much wrong with this that you need to be the adult (as your son is a child and one going through all sorts of emotional and hormonal changes) and put a stop to this, especially as it’s impacting on you so badly. Protect your son. If she can bully you she can bully him too. You also need to get your partner onside pronto as it doesn’t seem like he can see the wood for the trees.

MouseholeCat · 15/09/2021 23:11

Don't let a 15 year old bully you in your own home. If she's acting rude, she doesn't come. Also, the people that matter in this decision for her to move in are you and your DP, not your DS. Discuss your concerns with your DP alone.

But I would check some of your assumptions. Why would the way she dresses mean anything about her? That sounds unreasonably judgemental.

There's a lot 16 year olds can do but it's not the UK age of majority, that's 18. So I wouldn't say your son is an adult yet.

SleepingBunnies21 · 15/09/2021 23:12

@ChocAuVin

This is a profoundly odd thread.
What is the story with your relationship with your husband and father of your dad, op?

This dismissal and side lining of you in your own home seems to be coming from him too (?)

bamboobird · 15/09/2021 23:12

It begs the question 'where are her parents' because frankly it sounds to me like they are more than happy - perhaps even hoping to offload her onto you to 'deal with'

chuffincold · 15/09/2021 23:13

16 is not an adult, he can't drink, vote, buy a lottery ticket, drive the list goes on.
If he's an adult tell him if he wants to live with his girlfriend then go get a place to live in - you know,with him being an adult and all that.
Do you get child benefit for him? Key word being child?

SleepingBunnies21 · 15/09/2021 23:13

*father of your dd

Orangejuicemarathoner · 15/09/2021 23:13

you say no. end of.

cherish123 · 15/09/2021 23:14

Very odd. If you let her move in, you are in loco parentis. I would say no. It's your house. You can't be made to feel uncomfortable.

AnnieSnap · 15/09/2021 23:14

@NoIdeaWhatItMeans

We are in the UK, so he is technically an adult as he is 16.

We know of the parents, have met them a few times, but we only really talk to them to discuss her coming there or back or making other plans. Everyone else being in favour of her means that no one will listen to me, and ds girlfriends parents also think that I should just let them be although they didn't put it like that.

If partner and ds say it's fine what can I do?

In the UK, 16 is not an adult, 18 is. You mention Child Protective Services which is an American organisation, not a British one. Are you an American living in the UK? If so, no need to worry about cultural differences on this issue. They are both still legally children.

Like another poster, I also think it’s weird that you would deny the existence of your son because he prefers not to be discussed online. That’s quite a leap. In fact in several ways, all of this is coming over as weird!

Cherrysoup · 15/09/2021 23:14

What do you mean, what can you do? You sit with your partner and you tell him absolutely no. Is your son biologically his? If not, your partner doesn’t have a say in this. Regardless, it’s your home, not hers, she doesn’t just get to move in if you don’t want her to.

DowntonCrabby · 15/09/2021 23:16

OP you need to grow a pair, sharpish! Your DO should be on your side, it doesn’t matter if he’s ok with her moving in, you are not, it’s your joint household so that’s that.

DS is 16, a young adult but one living under his parent’s roof, still in education. He is not an adult child living at home.

Seriously it will be a nightmare to get her to move our once it’s happened. Doesn’t tour partner understand how you feel?

You are the adult, “no” is a complete sentence and going forward I’d be suggesting they spend weekend about at each others homes or only every second weekend at yours if DS doesn’t want to go there.

cooldarkroom · 15/09/2021 23:16

This is the conversation that a grown up would have

"Dorothy" is not my responsibility, she is a minor, I am not cooking, cleaning, paying for internet or any other task for another child.
If I wanted to freely house a stranger it would not be her.
This is not happening,
Should you continue to walk over my boundaries, You will very swiftly discover that, there is no house, because if your father puts me in a position of default carpet, then I will be leaving & the house will be sold."

SleepingBunnies21 · 15/09/2021 23:16

@bamboobird

It begs the question 'where are her parents' because frankly it sounds to me like they are more than happy - perhaps even hoping to offload her onto you to 'deal with'
Yeah,this too.

Maybe they're sick to the teeth of the same attitude she's displaying towards you.

Don't let him offload her onto you.

As one of my favourite you tubers says "was I the one in the bed fucking when this child was conceived - No".

Aquamarine1029 · 15/09/2021 23:17

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