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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

fed up of sons girlfriend

362 replies

NoIdeaWhatItMeans · 15/09/2021 22:32

I've got an adult son. didn't think I'd ever mention him on mumsnet, he likes his privacy and I only tend to talk about him in private messages to friends. Hence why posts under previous username specify that partner and I only have one child, step DD.

Anyway, he's 16 and homeschooled. I know it hardly counts as an adult, but technically he is. He's homeschooled, and his girlfriend (15) who's also homeschooled visits often, and is practically family now. She lives a few hours away, she gets here by train and sleeps over sometimes. She wants to move in, it'd make practical and financial sense. Her parents are ok with it

I was never comfortable with the idea of her coming here from the moment I saw the way she was dressed and acting, and after that just became more and more sure of it. She's particularly nice to my partner and her boyfriend, but is passive aggresive to me and actually quite rude. I don't know why, because I'm older? She'll make comments that are meant to be 'jokes', everyone will laugh it off. She's a bully to me and no one else. She makes the rules and everyone is ok with it but me. I can't tell any of them what to do, but everyone's ok with following her instruction. It's so belittling. I also feel that her choice in behaviour and clothes has been influencing step DD as she's practically turning in to her.

This paints everyone involved in a bad light I'm aware, other than this and a few other issues DP and DS are great and our lives are good enough that I don't want to leave.

But I've got no idea how to handle this, if I even can?

OP posts:
Original poster
NoIdeaWhatItMeans · 17/09/2021 14:20

I can see how that came across to you as rude which I apologise for, but I didn't intend to be.

I feel I should mention at this point that I don't think they want to offload her. They are quite supportive of her actually, seem to have a good relationship, and let her do what she wants. There are probably few things she isn't allowed to do

OP posts:
3luckystars · 17/09/2021 14:58

Well if you are not going to support him financially, he can’t go anywhere.

Good your partner is taking your side. Now put your foot down and fast. Your son has no job and no income, if he is living in your house, then YOU make the rules, not him.

QueenBee52 · 17/09/2021 15:07

@NoIdeaWhatItMeans

I can see how that came across to you as rude which I apologise for, but I didn't intend to be.

I feel I should mention at this point that I don't think they want to offload her. They are quite supportive of her actually, seem to have a good relationship, and let her do what she wants. There are probably few things she isn't allowed to do

Yes.. like allowing her 16yr old boyfriend to move into their family home...

not a chance...

Nanny0gg · 17/09/2021 15:11

@NowEvenBetter

OP you’re capable of running your mouth at people replying to your drivel, so simply do the same in your boyfriends house.
Wow.

That's one of the rudest responses I've seen here

QueenBee52 · 17/09/2021 15:29

Wow.

That's one of the rudest responses I've seen here

😂🤣

I'm sure Ive seen way worse 😂

GetMeOut22 · 17/09/2021 15:46

Just say no. The idea is so out of the realms of normality, it's ridiculous. Teenagers don't move in together. Heck, teenage girls don't spend the night at the boyfriend's house either! You don't need to discuss it or justify it. And if he chooses to move out, he can go. Good luck to him supporting himself financially. You are the adult - you need to adopt my mum's saying "my house, my rules". You don't need a reason for anything! It's your house! Teenagers will always try to take the piss, nature programmed them to push boundaries as much as possible. It doesn't mean you need to engage with such a ludicrous idea at all! You don't even need to have her over, I wasn't allowed a boyfriend at home while I was in school ever!! It didn't turn me to run away or rebel, your teenage years are about school. End of.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 17/09/2021 15:49

Just because her parents let her do what she wants, doesn't mean you need to Hmm

Rainbunny · 17/09/2021 16:53

OP, if you don't mind I'm honestly blown away by the situation you've found yourself in. Cam I ask you some questions?

  1. Why is your partner okay with a teenage girlfriend moving in with your son with all the obvious implications of that including sex of course, so perhaps preganncy or statutory rape issues. The fact that they're 15 and 16! Moving in together at such a young age will profoundly change and limit the life choices your son makes. What if he wants to go to university and she doesn't want him to, if she's there living with him she'll be the biggest influence on his choices both directly and by the fact that she shares his life already.

  2. Why is the girlfriends parents okay with this??? Do they have difficulty dealing with her? Do they just go along with what she wants and maybe would be relieved to not have her living with them? Neon red flags are flashing for me about her parents' attitude to this idea.

  3. Why is your partner not listening to your very valid concerns? It's NOT NORMAL for two young teenagers to move in together in the family home. I'm baffled that all the adults except you think this is just fine?

  4. Are there background reasons for letting both these teenagers do what they want like this? As in the fact that they are both homeschooled, are there reasons for their homeschooling that connect to their behaviour?

Rainbunny · 17/09/2021 17:03

I just read your last post OP, well what I suggest is that your and your DP agree to present a united front to firmly reject the idea. I'd also set up a meeting with her parents to explain that you don't want her living with you and hopefully get her parents to see reason and realise that it's unaccpetable to let their daughter move in with you.

If I were her parents I would be mortified that my daughter was demanding to live with another family that doesn't want her to live with them! You say they're nice but they're raised a very entitled daughter and don't seem to see what an imposition they're placing on you.

I understand that your and your DP are worried about upsetting your DS but you can't always give way to his demands at the expense of your peace and quiet in your own home!

ManifestDestinee · 17/09/2021 17:14

but there's the worry of my son deciding to move in with the girlfriend. At 16 he can, but he's got ASN and is vulnerable

At 16 he can't! You don't sound like you have any intention of parenting your child, you are determined to carry on as if he is an adult. How long have you been doing this? This is so messed up.

Plumtree391 · 17/09/2021 17:18

At sixteen he can legally leave home. However if he did go and live at his girlfriend's house (which sounds unlikely), the op can refuse to support him financially and her parents aren't going to want to give him free lodgings and spending money for the next two years.

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 17/09/2021 18:27

I was friends with people who had very permissive parents. They all say they wish their parents had protected them from having early relationships now they are older. Parent your son.

DamnUserName21 · 17/09/2021 18:50

I agree with PPs: you are going to have to strongly put your foot down to the gf moving in. Sure, it runs the risk of your DS moving out to his gf's parents' (if they allow it) but there is not a lot you can do if he decides to leave. If he did move out, at least he'd be safe there and can support him financially but, given his SEN, he might not be there for long.
I think you may have to let him go.

DamnUserName21 · 17/09/2021 18:53

Just to add, he can legally leave home at 16.

www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/in-the-home/moving-out/

But you are responsible for him until he turns 18.

QueenBee52 · 17/09/2021 18:57

@DamnUserName21

Just to add, he can legally leave home at 16.

www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/in-the-home/moving-out/

But you are responsible for him until he turns 18.

great news... so he can have his pocket money slashed to accommodate his gf's meals etc

longwayoff · 17/09/2021 19:25

Seriously? Your son is not an adult nor is his girlfriend. If you're contemplating their sharing your home together then you're pretty immature yourself. You and her parents all need some parenting classes. Good luck with the home schooling.

HalzTangz · 17/09/2021 19:31

Why on earth would you have a conversation about her moving in.
She's not respectful and doesn't follow your rules when she visits, she will be worse when she moves in.

You are the adult, put your foot down, say no to moving on, and suggest she visits one week, one week off, son visits her one week, one week off

Mrstamborineman · 17/09/2021 19:39

Your perspective of her parents not wanting to offload her is generous at best. At 15 she belongs at home, with the adults who have parental responsibility for her. Do you really want to be the proxy here?
The major issue is that you allow her to rule your roost. Get a back bone, no overnights on a school night. Once a month only and no she can’t move in. She is 15 and your son at 16 is not technically an adult.

ElfAndSafetyBored · 17/09/2021 19:47

Sorry can’t read all 14 pages but unless you are in Scotland, legally becoming an adult in the UK is 18

www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/populationandmigration/populationestimates/articles/milestonesjourneyingintoadulthood/2019-02-18

So she is neither old enough to consent to sex or to leave home.

But regardless of the law, if you don’t want her living in your home you need to be able to say so, and mean it.

Apologies if this is going over old ground.

Hope you find the strength to put your foot down - and call this child out (as nicely as you can) on her attitude towards you.

KosherDill · 18/09/2021 02:40

@Plumtree391

At sixteen he can legally leave home. However if he did go and live at his girlfriend's house (which sounds unlikely), the op can refuse to support him financially and her parents aren't going to want to give him free lodgings and spending money for the next two years.

Agree. No child benefits from being enmeshed in this sort of romantic (Eyeroll) relationship.He should be focused on school. Parents should be protecting him from this sort of thing, not enabling it.

PinniGig · 18/09/2021 02:58

There's not a chance I'd have her move in - not a chance. Her parents being OK with that is a full on "woah there" and makes me think you'd have an even bigger nightmare with them. Who lets a 15yr old move in with her boyfriend and parents??

Nope nope nope.

Be the bastard and decide you can't make things work out for her to move in and work out an agreement as to when, how often and for how long she stays at yours each time.

Original poster
NoIdeaWhatItMeans · 25/09/2021 21:42

To give an update on the situation, we've all agreed to a compromise. Son and his girlfriend can go out together, but not stay at the house and not stay out overnight. DS went to her house for the night and has discreetly told me he doesn't like it at her house, because it's not the same. So I don't need to worry about him moving in. DP and DS have agreed to support me if she makes a comment, by ignoring it, and changing the subject

OP posts:
LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 25/09/2021 21:50

DP and DS have agreed to support me if she makes a comment, by ignoring it, and changing the subject
How is that supporting you? Hmm

HoppingPavlova · 25/09/2021 22:32

DP and DS have agreed to support me if she makes a comment, by ignoring it, and changing the subject

Agree with the above. How is this solving the problem? They need to actively call her out on it, not ignore it. How you were happy to agree with this I have no idea.

Plumtree391 · 25/09/2021 22:48

If they ignore the girlfriend, she will feel unsupported and back down, perhaps?