fed up of sons girlfriend

[NoIdeaWhatItMeans]

I've got an adult son. didn't think I'd ever mention him on mumsnet, he likes his privacy and I only tend to talk about him in private messages to friends. Hence why posts under previous username specify that partner and I only have one child, step DD.

Anyway, he's 16 and homeschooled. I know it hardly counts as an adult, but technically he is. He's homeschooled, and his girlfriend (15) who's also homeschooled visits often, and is practically family now. She lives a few hours away, she gets here by train and sleeps over sometimes. She wants to move in, it'd make practical and financial sense. Her parents are ok with it

I was never comfortable with the idea of her coming here from the moment I saw the way she was dressed and acting, and after that just became more and more sure of it. She's particularly nice to my partner and her boyfriend, but is passive aggresive to me and actually quite rude. I don't know why, because I'm older? She'll make comments that are meant to be 'jokes', everyone will laugh it off. She's a bully to me and no one else. She makes the rules and everyone is ok with it but me. I can't tell any of them what to do, but everyone's ok with following her instruction. It's so belittling. I also feel that her choice in behaviour and clothes has been influencing step DD as she's practically turning in to her.

This paints everyone involved in a bad light I'm aware, other than this and a few other issues DP and DS are great and our lives are good enough that I don't want to leave.

But I've got no idea how to handle this, if I even can?

In what way would it make practical and financial sense?

You don’t have an adult child, you just have an actual child. Why are you encouraging a child, and another even younger - under the age of consent child, to have an adult, co-habiting relationship? It’s medieval.

Is the 16 year old boy your son or your step son?
Is your partner his dad?
Your partner may own the house but if you’ve got a 16 year old son together surely it’s as much your decision as your partners who moves in (sorry if I’ve missed a key point here)
What kind of people even think about letting their 15 year old kid move in with someone else? How well do you know the girlfriends parents?

Its your home, you decide who lives there. I'd also be reminding them both that her being allowed to stay over is utterly contingent on her keeping a civil tongue in her head and the spiteful attitude in check. I'd be giving them both a warning that disrespect and bad attitude mean the privilege of having her visit will be revoked. Its your house, you decide who gets in the door! Yes, you'll be the bad guy, who cares? You sound absolutely miserable currently, so if they're angry at you for enforcing standards, can it really be worse than you feel already?

She's her parents responsibility, and if she can't get aling with them, she's the state's responsibility- with housing in a youth accommodation place ..... she's not your son's responsibility and not yours (a hundred times more since since actually disrespectful and unpleasant to you). No 16 yr old who's not even finished bssic school should be having his gf move in or taking responsibility for her housing etc (though obviously it's you who's actually taking the responsibility).

The fact they even dare to suggest it .... wtf is wrong with society today.

Errr, no you don’t have an adult son, you have a 16 year old child.

And you laugh at the girlfriend and say “don’t be ridiculous and actually Sarah we do need to stop this level of sleeping over because you’re 15 and it isn’t even vaguely appropriate, we can talk about you staying over again when you’re both 18.”

You just say I'm sorry you cant move in . I'm not comfortable with it.

This all seems a bit weird. It's not hard or difficult. You just say no, the random child cannot come and live with you. If your son throws a tantrum he gets privileges removed. It doesn't matter if these kids are 5 or 15. You set clear rules and boundaries.

You don't start getting wishy washy about it, you stand firm.

Nothing I say will work? They don't listen to me. and I struggle to believe that child protective services would do anything. There are people in far worse situations. I'd rather reserve their time and resources for them. Sounds like a drastic suggestion.

So you are saying you feel uncomfortable with the fact that your partner wants your son's underage girlfriend to move in with you, and that you don't feel you have a right to object because it's not your house?
That sounds very creepy, and like you are scared to speak up for yourself because between them, your partner, your teenage son and now his girlfriend all tell you what to do.
I'm not surprised you feel uncomfortable with this. There is so much wrong with the situation you describe.
You are perfectly within your rights to say no to the girlfriend moving in. Your son is 16 ( not an adult) and she is younger. If she moves in, you become responsible for her welfare, which is a big responsibility.
It's time for you stand up and say no, to all of them.
Start with " No, you can't move in", and then look at why you feel like you have no rights in your own home.

They are not adults. It's a 15 and 16 year old. Wait til they are 18. Why does it make sense for her to move in if you don't want her to ?

If the girl won’t listen to you phone her parents & tell them she’s not welcome at your house for x amount of time/until she learns some manners. Tell them not to put her on the train in the first place

Even if you got on well it would be a crazy decision.

There’s very very few 16 year olds that are ready and mature enough for a cohabiting relationship. You’d be facilitating your ds getting into a situation that he’s not emotionally equipped to deal with, and one that would potentially be very difficult to extract himself from.

There was a poster on another thread who was in your DS’s position and as an adult she really resented her parents for not being the grownups and saying no to her. She was stuck in an unhappy relationship for years and missed out on a lot of experiences that her friends had as she was too busy trying to flog a dead horse.

What do you mean nothing you say will work? You’re an adult and they are children.

Apart from eveything else, who will homeschool this child?

Has your husband told you she's moving in and there's nothing you can do about it ?

I disagree OP it is easy to say no. They are both kids and your make the rules.

@Shadedog

In what way would it make practical and financial sense?

You don’t have an adult child, you just have an actual child. Why are you encouraging a child, and another even younger - under the age of consent child, to have an adult, co-habiting relationship? It’s medieval.

Gross, isn't it? A schoolfriend of mine was just 13, got 'a boyfriend' of 19 and her parents were thrilled - congratulating her on being 'so mature', rather than, you know, notice their child was basically being abused by a local scumbag.

She was distraught a lot of the time. Tears, fear of his rages. She was terrified of sex. Us other girls at school consoled her as best we could, but no adults cared. As we 'were teens now' frankly they didn't give a shit.

Does your son ever actually listen to you?! I'm struggling to get my head around the fact he seems to completely rule the roost and has you wrapped around his little finger.
Stand your ground OP. They are children.

And read the ongoing threads about the poor woman in Australia whose son has the worlds most manipulative girlfriend. At least you have distance and the girlfriend doesn’t just live around the corner.

We are in the UK, so he is technically an adult as he is 16.

We know of the parents, have met them a few times, but we only really talk to them to discuss her coming there or back or making other plans. Everyone else being in favour of her means that no one will listen to me, and ds girlfriends parents also think that I should just let them be although they didn't put it like that.

If partner and ds say it's fine what can I do?

@HasaDigaEebowai

What do you mean nothing you say will work? You’re an adult and they are children.

Apart from eveything else, who will homeschool this child?

I doubt there's been much home-schooling in either household let's be honest if real

She's a bully to me and no one else. She makes the rules and everyone is ok with it but me.

Incredibly entitled of her and silly of you to be bullied by a 15/16 year old!

I'm not scared to say no. I just know it wont have an affect as they're all in favour of ds girlfriend staying here.

You can say it’s not fine. You can tell her parents the answer is no.

Will your partner listen to you, then?
Can you agree with him that as you don't want her to move in - who would want to volunteer living with a stroppy 15yr old that isn't even yours, and who has parents that should be parenting - and present a united front.

It's difficult to understand how a 15 and 16 yr old can set terms about living together under your roof?

What happens when you say no? Have you actually said, no, that's not happening and there's nothing else to be discussed. If you continue to be so disrespectful, then you won't be welcome here until your attitude changes and your manners improve?

They can't railroad you into anything unless you let them.

@NoIdeaWhatItMeans

Nothing I say will work? They don't listen to me. and I struggle to believe that child protective services would do anything. There are people in far worse situations. I'd rather reserve their time and resources for them. Sounds like a drastic suggestion.

Tell your son that she's not moving in, and if you want to limit the time she speeds visiting your home, outline those rules too ..... if your son chooses not to abide to the rules of your home, then tell him he is free to move out himself. There us accommodation for young people who cannot officially rent privately (under 18 I think).

It is your home, you don't have to have anyone staying there you.dont want, or even visit.

If your partner/husband cannot discuss this with you and resoect your feelings & wishes abd peesebtva United front to these two children... you have bigger problems.