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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

fed up of sons girlfriend

362 replies

NoIdeaWhatItMeans · 15/09/2021 22:32

I've got an adult son. didn't think I'd ever mention him on mumsnet, he likes his privacy and I only tend to talk about him in private messages to friends. Hence why posts under previous username specify that partner and I only have one child, step DD.

Anyway, he's 16 and homeschooled. I know it hardly counts as an adult, but technically he is. He's homeschooled, and his girlfriend (15) who's also homeschooled visits often, and is practically family now. She lives a few hours away, she gets here by train and sleeps over sometimes. She wants to move in, it'd make practical and financial sense. Her parents are ok with it

I was never comfortable with the idea of her coming here from the moment I saw the way she was dressed and acting, and after that just became more and more sure of it. She's particularly nice to my partner and her boyfriend, but is passive aggresive to me and actually quite rude. I don't know why, because I'm older? She'll make comments that are meant to be 'jokes', everyone will laugh it off. She's a bully to me and no one else. She makes the rules and everyone is ok with it but me. I can't tell any of them what to do, but everyone's ok with following her instruction. It's so belittling. I also feel that her choice in behaviour and clothes has been influencing step DD as she's practically turning in to her.

This paints everyone involved in a bad light I'm aware, other than this and a few other issues DP and DS are great and our lives are good enough that I don't want to leave.

But I've got no idea how to handle this, if I even can?

OP posts:
Quitelikeacatslife · 15/09/2021 23:26

I'd never refer to my DD 16 as an adult, although she's mature. Stop facilitating him growing up so quick. He already has a different set up being homeschooled. Let him be an older teen child before he has the responsibilities of adulthood. Protect him. Does he have any other friends? Does he ever see them without GF? He needs that resilience in case this relationship breaks down.
You need to talk to your husband and agree boundaries that you are comfortable with and then discuss with DS. Write down what it is you want (ie appropriate dressing, help from both teens with chores, only maybe 2 nights a week staying over?

MrsTulipTattsyrup · 15/09/2021 23:27

What an extraordinary series of posts from you, OP.

To be a parent of a 16 year old but not know that he is still a child until he’s 18?

To be even contemplating allowing a 15 year old girl to move into your household as his partner? Effectively taking parental responsibility? (Which the local authority would need to be aware of, and lands you with a lot of obligations and a legal situation you are very unlikely to want to be in).

Social Services would be very interested in this arrangement, and its total inappropriateness - which might also affect how they see your safeguarding (or lack of it) of your younger child.

They are CHILDREN. You laugh at them, at their naivety, and say ‘no’. Tell them that when they are adults, and can pay their own way, they can make their own living arrangements; but not now.

Also stop the sleepovers. You have made them feel that you condone their relationship being this serious. At their age, it really shouldn’t be so. And if you are facilitating their sex life, that looks like approval to them, which is a bad move when one of them is still not legally able to consent.

Get serious here. And tell your partner that you are serious, and will leave if she moves in because you aren’t prepared to take on this degree of responsibility and having a strange child live in your home. Doubly important given there is a younger sibling to consider.

RazorSharp · 15/09/2021 23:28

Just say NO!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/09/2021 23:31

I'm tired of being told to say no, when I know that it wont work.

Why? It's YOUR home.

You can absolutely say no.

Winniewonka · 15/09/2021 23:31

Home school seems to mentioned as though it makes a difference to the situation. What on earth do you and her parents think would happen if he was in Year 11 and she was in Year 10 at the same high school.
That she would be allowed to move in with him and carry on a sexual relationship?
Say this to your partner (and apologies if I am wrong but I am getting the impression that you're not too pleased with his reaction towards her either). Tell him she needs to go and live at home again. It's wrong on so many levels. If the relationship is meant to survive then you can review it when she is 18.

bluebell34567 · 15/09/2021 23:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Quotes deleted post

Phobiaphobic · 15/09/2021 23:33

Honestly, in your shoes I would be thinking about moving out and leaving them all to it.

Original poster
NoIdeaWhatItMeans · 15/09/2021 23:35

Right so a lot of you have said that I'm a doormat, even though asking for help on how to set boundaries suggests otherwise, surely? I don't appreciate the blatant disrespect from some posters.

That being said, it's late now and I'm off to bed. I'll have a think about the constructive advice and have a talk with DP tomorrow.

If the thread isn't deleted by pressure from raging troll hunters, I'll be able to give an update.

OP posts:
Obimumkinobi · 15/09/2021 23:36

I find it concerning that your adult partner is more than happy for a non-related child, who is nice to him, to move into his house. Is he flattered or does he have some feelings for her? Is this why your so concerned about her unsuitable clothes?

This is also the same man who will not pay you, his life partner, the basic courtesy of considering your genuine concerns? It doesn't matter that he's okay in other ways. Mutual respect is fundamental and if he won't do that, OP should move out and leave them all to it.

PegasusReturns · 15/09/2021 23:36

This is crazy.

Presumably you’ve sat your DP down and told him you do not want it to happen?! What was his response? You need to make it clear to your DP that you will not tolerate it and need him to be equally firm.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/09/2021 23:36

Your house, your rules.

If you can't be arsed to talk to them about it then suck it up.

MitheringMytryl · 15/09/2021 23:36

The issue here isn't that this girl wants to move in, it's that you feel as if you have no say over what happens in your own home. Why is that? Does your partner make all the rules?

It might be time for you to move out, OP. You can't live your life feeling as if you have no control or choices.

Kiduknot · 15/09/2021 23:38

It’s more concerning that you think dp will just over ride your wishes.

He’s the one you need to say no to, and then present a united front to them. It’s worrying he won’t back you up.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/09/2021 23:38

And what advice are you expecting from Mumsnet about talking to YOUR son about his girlfriend? In your house?

HasaDigaEebowai · 15/09/2021 23:39

If the dsd is younger then there are further massive safeguarding issues here. That enough should make your dh see sense.

Dotell · 15/09/2021 23:39

Congratulations. You will be a grandmother soon. Maybe you will say no to being 24hrs childcare

CardinalCat · 15/09/2021 23:40

I'm finding this quite hard to unpick because it's so unutterably bizarre on so many levels. I don't mean that unkindly OP, but I do think you need a bit of a wake up call. If this was your house then you'd be saying "absolutely not". However if I'm reading this correctly your DP owns the house and you don't feel like you have a say in this? Huge red flag.
Why does nobody listen to you? It sounds like you are completely disenfranchised in your home life: this isn't a ds teenage GF problem. This runs far deeper. You need to get your life back and find your voice. Is your partner always so controlling? I would be leaving in your shoes and taking my children and running fast.

CherryDocsInYrBalls · 15/09/2021 23:40

So your DP is all for moving a 15 year old possibly sexually active unrelated girl into the family home? Odd. What if she accuses him of rape or abuse? He is willing to lose you, possibly everything, for the sake of moving an unrelated girl into the family home? You need to set up home with yourself and your DS only if he thinks this is in any way remotely OK. Establish a safe home for you and your son with clear boundaries. No more "sleepovers" which sounds like a euphemism. This is what teenagers do to some degree. Push boundaries. Ask for ridiculous stuff. It doesn't mean you allow it, especially when it's as ridiculous as moving his fellow child girlfriend to live with at 16. FFS

QueenBee52 · 15/09/2021 23:41

OP you are giving very little or zero information about the family dynamic.. you are ignoring every poster asking the most obvious and relevant questions..

Who owns the house ?

Is your Partner your Sons Father?

Why is your Partner so keen for this teenager to move in ?

Who is financially supporting this move ?

Why are you so reluctant to stand your ground?

Are you afraid you will be left homeless ?

Who supports you in life ?

Explosivefarts · 15/09/2021 23:41

@chuffincold

16 is not an adult, he can't drink, vote, buy a lottery ticket, drive the list goes on. If he's an adult tell him if he wants to live with his girlfriend then go get a place to live in - you know,with him being an adult and all that. Do you get child benefit for him? Key word being child?
Not for all of the UK you can vote at 16 in Scotland .
QueenBee52 · 15/09/2021 23:42

I agree...

STOP all sleepovers immediately .. Your Son can go there if she means so much to him.. right 🤔

respecttheforum · 15/09/2021 23:42

I think you've been given a hard time @NoIdeaWhatItMeans because you sound very passive and ill informed. He is not an adult, he is a child. She is a child also and under the age of consent.

I'm glad you've spoken to your partner about this because you need to show a united front. You also need to discuss the situation with her parents. What is being proposed is a private fostering arrangement.

It's time to take control and make and enforce some boundaries.

On a separate note, your judgments about her clothes are horrible. It's absolutely none of your business how she dresses and it's not for you to pass judgment.

Spidersinmyhair · 15/09/2021 23:43

Wow. This is a massive safeguarding issue. You need to get your shit together and stop being a doormat, because unlike your son you're actually an adult and you have legal and ethical responsibilities. It sounds like neither you nor DP are willing to draw appropriate boundaries which is incredibly disturbing and makes it possible for all kinds of things to happen. Saying "they didn't listen to me" is a pretty weak defence, and makes me quite angry tbh.

RaininSummer · 15/09/2021 23:43

I don't think it even really matters what the 15 year old is like. Not many people would think it a good idea to encourage or even allow their 16 year old child's gf or bf to live with them. Unless the girl was homeless and you wanted to help, the best answer is no, you are way to young.

PersonaNonGarter · 15/09/2021 23:46

Who cooks and cleans for them? This is madness.

First of all resolve with DP. Then tell DS.