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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel gutted with what DH said tonight?

351 replies

kravestix · 15/09/2021 21:10

I hate where we live. Always have. It's where we both grew up but I've never liked it. I don't have ties here anymore. I have one family member who lives here but they are utterly toxic. The more time that passes, the worse they get. DH has always known that I've wanted to move away. I've been thinking about it more and more lately. Then dealing with toxic family member on top just makes me want to go more.

Anyway, I was talking to DH about it. And he doesn't want to move away. I get that. He has ties here. But it's something I keep thinking about.

Anyway, after our chat about it earlier today, he then sent me a message later saying if I wanted to go and if it would make me happy then I should go and he wouldn't stop me.

I then asked him in person if he meant what he said and he confirmed that he did mean it. I then asked if he would truly be fine with me moving away and taking our DS with us. I asked if he really wouldn't come even to stay with DS. He said he wouldn't. If me and DS moved away that would be losing two people he loves. But if he moved away with us, he'd be moving away from six people he loves.

I get that. Totally. But I can't help but feel pretty gutted that he would say that. For context, it would be his children from a previous relationship and his parents that he wouldn't leave. Which as I say, I totally understand refusing to leave your children. But I can't help but still feel hurt that he would just let DS go just like that, and me.

And honestly, I feel totally unloved. My Dad has let me down. My DM is toxic. And that's it. I don't have anyone else. No friends. Nothing. Just DH and my DS. But knowing that DH would just let us go so easily like that... I can't explain it just feels awful. Like all I really have is DS. Me and DS.

AIBU to feel this way?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 15/09/2021 21:14

At least you know where you are in his priority list now. Up to you what you do with that information.

Hekatestorch · 15/09/2021 21:15

So his choice is move away from his children or let his child move away from him.

His wife is miserable where she lives, but if you move together he will be miserable.

Something has to give somewhere. I get why you are hurt. But he either let's you and ds move or leaves his children and parents.

Its a no win situation and he is picking the best awful option.

Ashitaka · 15/09/2021 21:15

Who are the people he would be leaving behind?

WinoAnon · 15/09/2021 21:15

Yanbu op. If you haven't given him an ultimatum then I don't know why he would say this, it's like he's giving you one in return? Either stop being unhappy or move without him. Surely there are more logical ways around this situation. How far do his other children live now?

EspressoDoubleShot · 15/09/2021 21:16

Yabu to try force a choice and compel him to leave when he doesn’t want to
It depends how forcefully you were saying you wanted to leave,he may have heard it as ultimatum me or this location
I appreciate the impact of hearing him say go then! Felt brutal and cold. Of course it would

Ashitaka · 15/09/2021 21:16

Sorry, didn't see that it was his children

Of course you can't ask him to leave his dc, but do you have to move very far?

CinnabarRed · 15/09/2021 21:17

Honestly? I think he’s right. He couldn’t leave children (more than one) for the sake of one child. He didn’t say it would be easy.

Mymapuddlington · 15/09/2021 21:17

So those 6 people are worth losing you and his kids over? Not only that but he’s quite clearly said he won’t mind if you go.

RoseGoldGlasses · 15/09/2021 21:18

How far exactly are you wanting to move?
Could the next town etc not work? Close enough for his other DC and parents?

EspressoDoubleShot · 15/09/2021 21:18

Op should have forced an ultimatum then. She doesn’t unilaterally get to decide where they all live

LittleOwl153 · 15/09/2021 21:18

Is it possible to move, but not that far from his family, but away from the area /your mother.

But yes I'd feel rather lost at that comment too.

Although it would probably make me more determined to move. Where do you fancy moving too?

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 15/09/2021 21:18

Yanbu to feel that way - he's made it clear you aren't his first priority and that's going to sting. Especially as you made no secret of wanting to move. But yabu to expect a parent to move away from their children.
I feel there's a compromise here - move but not far away? He might also be trying to manipulate you into doing what suits him - without knowing him I can't say, but does he usually get his own way?

Also I think you need to get some help to deal with your past family relationships - that pain will go with you wherever you live unless you learn how to process it and move on. You don't necessarily have to live somewhere else.

Orangejuicemarathoner · 15/09/2021 21:19

YABU to want to move area simply because you don't like one person who lives there.

There are other ways of dealing with that

You say you have no friends. If you grew up there, you probably do, there must be people there you know, and some of them must be nice, simple law of averages.

And if you are struggling so much socially in a place where you grew up, it would be a lot worse in a new place, where you know no one

YABU to put your DH in a position where he is expected to choose between his children. Never mind his parents.

You sound really sad, but I don't think the place you live has anything to do with it

I hope you manage to sort something out so you enjoy life more. Are you working?

Theworldishard · 15/09/2021 21:20

I don't think he sounds bothered about you or your son sadly.

Aprilx · 15/09/2021 21:20

I am wondering if you have only presented half a story here. He hasn’t said he is leaving you, he has said if you go he won’t stop you. I presume he has not said this out of the blue.

ChrissyPlummer · 15/09/2021 21:21

Well, no it understandable you’d feel gutted. However, look at the thread from a few days ago where a woman was asking if she and her DP should move 300 miles away from their current place; he had a big chance of a promotion to earn a lot more so they could afford to buy a house and afford a better lifestyle. Pretty much every response was no, as his DD from a previous relationship lived with her mum in the same area.

I sympathise, we live in the town I was brought up in, after meeting working in London. I had only ever wanted to live down south but we were both made redundant and couldn’t afford to stay, without reducing our circumstances a LOT. I hate it here; there’s massive unemployment, the town centre is just full of spice-heads and knob heads, there are no proper jobs, just care work on agency, every job is low paid with very little chance of progression. If I could move, I’d do it tomorrow.

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 15/09/2021 21:22

But equally he is probably sad that you would rather move away with just your DS than stay where you are with him.

FawnFrenchieMum · 15/09/2021 21:22

I would be hurt, it would be impossible not to be hurt but from your DH’s perspective, you wouldn’t gain anyone from moving away. You can make friends where you are, your not going to gain family by moving away but he will be losing his family, and not just family his children if he moves away with you.
I think he’s actually trying to be kind to you even though it doesn’t feel it. He’s saying he really doesn’t want to move away as a family however he won’t stand in the way of you moving if it would make you truly happy.

EmeraldShamrock · 15/09/2021 21:22

Wow what a dick.
That is the end of your relationship.
I've a lot of ties here I don't think I'd move off for DP of 15 years but he wouldn't be taking the DC.

Colourcones · 15/09/2021 21:22

Hes obviously realised how unhappy you are and this is the only solution he can think of. You need to do some more talking.

anon12345678901 · 15/09/2021 21:23

Why on earth would you ask him to leave his children? I can understand why he said he'd let you and DS go tbh. You can't decide where the family lives for everyone, and it's not surprising he doesn't want to move away. He sounds like he cares about you and wants you to be happy, even if not living with him. I actually don't think he's done anything wrong here.

PumpkinsGalore · 15/09/2021 21:23

@EmeraldShamrock

Wow what a dick. That is the end of your relationship. I've a lot of ties here I don't think I'd move off for DP of 15 years but he wouldn't be taking the DC.
How is he a dick? For refusing to leave his first two children behind, for the sake of his new child???? Really?????????
anon12345678901 · 15/09/2021 21:24

@EmeraldShamrock

Wow what a dick. That is the end of your relationship. I've a lot of ties here I don't think I'd move off for DP of 15 years but he wouldn't be taking the DC.
How? He's refusing to walk away from his other children. That doesn't make him a dick in any way.
3luckystars · 15/09/2021 21:24

Moving isn’t always the answer. It sounds like you are fairly isolated and lonely, how did it end up that you have no friends at all?
I’m sorry to hear that is the case, but wherever you move, you will still be there.
It sounds like you have neglected yourself a lot to get to this stage. I’m sorry your husband hurt your feelings.
Could you potentially move to a new house in the same area but away from the person you don’t like?
If not then I hope you find happiness where you are and start being kinder to yourself. All the best.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 15/09/2021 21:25

@Ashitaka

Who are the people he would be leaving behind?
His other kids. I can understand why he wouldn't choose to leave them tbh. What kind of dad would choose to move far from his kids. He's in an impossible situation.

He hasn't said he wants you to go, just that he wouldn't stop you. Which is true, because he can't stop you. But he's not going make an active choice to leave his kids behind.