Page 14 | AIBU to feel gutted with what DH said tonight?

kravestix · 2021-09-15T20:10:14+00:00

I hate where we live. Always have. It's where we both grew up but I've never liked it. I don't have ties here anymore. I have one family member who lives here but they are utterly toxic. The more time that passes, the worse they get. DH has always known that I've wanted to move away. I've been thinking about it more and more lately. Then dealing with toxic family member on top just makes me want to go more. Anyway, I was talking to DH about it. And he doesn't want to move away. I get that. He has ties here. But it's something I keep thinking about. Anyway, after our chat about it earlier today, he then sent me a message later saying if I wanted to go and if it would make me happy then I should go and he wouldn't stop me. I then asked him in person if he meant what he said and he confirmed that he did mean it. I then asked if he would truly be fine with me moving away and taking our DS with us. I asked if he really wouldn't come even to stay with DS. He said he wouldn't. If me and DS moved away that would be losing two people he loves. But if he moved away with us, he'd be moving away from six people he loves. I get that. Totally. But I can't help but feel pretty gutted that he would say that. For context, it would be his children from a previous relationship and his parents that he wouldn't leave. Which as I say, I totally understand refusing to leave your children. But I can't help but still feel hurt that he would just let DS go just like that, and me. And honestly, I feel totally unloved. My Dad has let me down. My DM is toxic. And that's it. I don't have anyone else. No friends. Nothing. Just DH and my DS. But knowing that DH would just let us go so easily like that... I can't explain it just feels awful. Like all I really have is DS. Me and DS. AIBU to feel this way?

MichelleScarn · 16/09/2021 20:23

@kravestix can you clarify, has your dh said he wouldn't travel to see you if you moved, or he'd never see his child again? Would you not have the responsibility to facilitate contact, given you moved?

PurpleOkapi · 16/09/2021 20:40

@amijustparanoidorjuststoned

OP, I'm going to go against the grain here.

I think you and DS should move. I don't agree with PP saying that you should try to make the most of what you currently have - you only have ONE life and you should make the most of it.

If you want to move, get your ducks in a row and live the life you want to live.

If your DH wouldn't even come and VISIT your son... well then that's very sad indeed. And you could always come back to visit as a compromise.

You obviously can't expect him to leave his children. But if you want different things your son will pick up on the resentment.

OP doesn't seem to have any idea what life she wants to live. Given that, I'd err on the side of not blowing up her child's family.

choli · 16/09/2021 21:01

OP doesn't seem to have any idea what life she wants to live. Given that, I'd err on the side of not blowing up her child's family.
Sadly, if the OP continues to constantly demand that it is her partner's job to make her happy above all else then the family will be blown up. It sounds like her partner is losing patience and may even be hoping that she does move at this stage.

Ijustknowitstimetogo · 16/09/2021 21:15

OP I think you are putting him in a difficult position and that is wrong of you. But at the same time I’m wondering if you’re growing apart anyway?

Original poster

kravestix · 16/09/2021 21:23

[quote MichelleScarn]@kravestix can you clarify, has your dh said he wouldn't travel to see you if you moved, or he'd never see his child again? Would you not have the responsibility to facilitate contact, given you moved?[/quote]
He never said that.

OP posts:

Original poster

kravestix · 16/09/2021 21:24

@choli

OP doesn't seem to have any idea what life she wants to live. Given that, I'd err on the side of not blowing up her child's family. Sadly, if the OP continues to constantly demand that it is her partner's job to make her happy above all else then the family will be blown up. It sounds like her partner is losing patience and may even be hoping that she does move at this stage.

I have literally never demanded that he make me happy above all else.

OP posts:

MichelleScarn · 16/09/2021 22:06

@kravestix asked if he really wouldn't come even to stay with DS. He said he wouldn't.
So what were you saying here?

Original poster

kravestix · 16/09/2021 22:25

[quote MichelleScarn]**@kravestix* asked if he really wouldn't come even to stay with DS. He said he wouldn't.*
So what were you saying here?[/quote]
It was a roundabout way of trying to say that I asked him if he really wouldn't move with us, not for me, but to be with DS. Which he say he wouldn't. Queue him saying lose two people or lose six people. Sorry, I had worded that badly.

OP posts:

lifesgoodwithlg · 17/09/2021 09:14

Hi OP I don't think that you are in a good place right now and do feel you need some professional help, there's no shame there and Counselling helped me a lot.

That said I am guessing a lot of people voted that yanbu before you confirmed that he would be moving away from 4 children, he never said he wouldn't visit and you have form for changing your mind and in your own words could want something different in a few months. I wish you the very best and hope that you get some peace. In the meantime please get some help as you can't run away from yourself ( I learned that lesson the hard way)

todaysdilemma · 17/09/2021 09:14

RantyAunty How old are his DC?Youngest 11. Eldest 18. Other two in between.

Op, his eldest child is just 7 years older than you????

So you were 18, when a divorced 33 year old man with 4 children including an 11 year old decided to get involved with someone fresh out of school. Then got you pregnant at 21 and saddled with all the responsibilities of adult life and being a wife?

All the posters telling OP, there's something wrong with her for wanting more, are we really telling teenagers that they deserve no more in life than to be wife and mother to a man and sacrifice their dreams and hopes for 4 step children??? Because that's what happened when this clearly controlling, predatory man decided to take away all OPs choices when she was too old to know better.

If he chose to date someone hardly older than his own daughter, someone who was still a teenager, he obviously enjoys the power dynamic. And also knew you weren't close to any friends or family who could object. He obv wanted someone who wasn't old or worldly enough to realise what having 4 step children and living in a dead end town meant. That they could only have 1 child and no dog and never leave - as a woman his own age would never have accepted this.

Jesus, I think you know deep down that he has never had your best interests at heart.

Get your degree, if you can change it to a more practical subject that would be better. You have got to get a career and be financially independent. No one should have their entire life dictated to them from the age of 18 by someone else. I can't imagine any poster here would wish this situation on their teenage daughters!

todaysdilemma · 17/09/2021 09:15

too young to know better

todaysdilemma · 17/09/2021 09:22

Also, he started dating you when his youngest was just 1??? How did he juggle dating an 18 year old and looking after a 1 year old?

Did he have any time alone and single between his separation and going out with you? Or was he looking for an immediate replacement for the domestic life he lost....

SoupDragon · 17/09/2021 09:45

Also, he started dating you when his youngest was just 1???

I think your maths is off :)

todaysdilemma · 17/09/2021 09:54

@SoupDragon

Also, he started dating you when his youngest was just 1???

I think your maths is off :)

Yes, you're right! The youngest was 4. My mistake. My outrage at how young she was compared to his oldest DD left me unable to do simple maths.

todaysdilemma · 17/09/2021 10:00

I wonder how OP's DH feel if his 18 year old told him she was dating a 33 year old (5-6 years older than him) divorcee with 4 children...

Hekatestorch · 17/09/2021 10:16

It was a roundabout way of trying to say that I asked him if he really wouldn't move with us, not for me, but to be with DS. Which he say he wouldn't. Queue him saying lose two people or lose six people. Sorry, I had worded that badly.

So you asked him 'you really wouldn't leave your other children and move 6 hours with me and ds?' I think you knew that answer before you asked tbh and I think if he said he would go, it would have been shitty of him.

I don't think he is entirely blameless either. Not really sure why he expected so much from such a young person and never expected them to want different things.

I wonder if that, in part, has prompted him saying this.

He has realised that what he did was really poor behaviour and thinks he is holding you back from having a life you want.

I am also guessing he thinks it's only a matter of time, before you realise what he did was really poor behaviour and leave of your own accord

RantyAunty · 17/09/2021 18:15

@todaysdilemma Strongly agree.

OP had an entire life to live, not be saddled with an old man and his kids.

Original poster

kravestix · 20/09/2021 20:27

My first day at Uni went really well and I even made three friends!!!

OP posts:

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 20/09/2021 20:38

@todaysdilemma

RantyAunty How old are his DC?Youngest 11. Eldest 18. Other two in between.

Op, his eldest child is just 7 years older than you????

So you were 18, when a divorced 33 year old man with 4 children including an 11 year old decided to get involved with someone fresh out of school. Then got you pregnant at 21 and saddled with all the responsibilities of adult life and being a wife?

All the posters telling OP, there's something wrong with her for wanting more, are we really telling teenagers that they deserve no more in life than to be wife and mother to a man and sacrifice their dreams and hopes for 4 step children??? Because that's what happened when this clearly controlling, predatory man decided to take away all OPs choices when she was too old to know better.

If he chose to date someone hardly older than his own daughter, someone who was still a teenager, he obviously enjoys the power dynamic. And also knew you weren't close to any friends or family who could object. He obv wanted someone who wasn't old or worldly enough to realise what having 4 step children and living in a dead end town meant. That they could only have 1 child and no dog and never leave - as a woman his own age would never have accepted this.

Jesus, I think you know deep down that he has never had your best interests at heart.

Get your degree, if you can change it to a more practical subject that would be better. You have got to get a career and be financially independent. No one should have their entire life dictated to them from the age of 18 by someone else. I can't imagine any poster here would wish this situation on their teenage daughters!

I agree with this. You were far too young to have been tied down like this.

PurpleOkapi · 20/09/2021 21:58

All the posters telling OP, there's something wrong with her for wanting more, are we really telling teenagers that they deserve no more in life than to be wife and mother to a man and sacrifice their dreams and hopes for 4 step children???

Nope. I'd have told her all those same things before she married him and had a child with him. Marriage and parenthood always involve sacrifices, and the fact that OP might have been too young to understand that doesn't mean it's fine for her child to have to live with the consequences of her youthful bad judgment. I don't blame her at all for wanting more - I blame her for thinking her vague desire for some unspecified "more" is more important than the well-being of anyone else involved, especially her child.

Though I have to say, 18 is old enough to reason out that if you hate living in a place, you shouldn't chain yourself to it by marrying and having children with a man who has other children who live there. If the worst sacrifice she ever has to make for her family is remaining in the city where she chose to live in the first place, she's getting off much easier than most.

goose1964 · 20/09/2021 22:02

I used to work with someone whose husband lived in London and she lived around 200 miles away. At the weekends she either went to London or he came down to her. It worked for them even if she got a bit overexcited on a Friday.

EmeraldRaine · 20/09/2021 22:22

You sound so passive, like you just happen to have ended up in this situation. Take responsibility for the choices that you made that led you to here and now.

Serious question, why don't you leave your son with his dad and you move away to find yourself, or whatever it is you want to do?

CloudPop · 20/09/2021 22:28

@kravestix

My first day at Uni went really well and I even made three friends!!!

Good news. Hope it continues to go well.

EmeraldRaine · 20/09/2021 22:30

I see you're in Dover. There are lots of decent towns that you could move to within Kent which wouldn't be 6 bloody hours away. Even folkestone, 20 minutes away, you should be able to get a decent 3 bed house for your money - not quite as spacious as Dover but then Dover is a shithole!

Cuddlyrottweiler · 20/09/2021 22:33

@Hekatestorch

So his choice is move away from his children or let his child move away from him.

His wife is miserable where she lives, but if you move together he will be miserable.

Something has to give somewhere. I get why you are hurt. But he either let's you and ds move or leaves his children and parents.

Its a no win situation and he is picking the best awful option.

Yeah this 100%