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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel gutted with what DH said tonight?

351 replies

kravestix · 15/09/2021 21:10

I hate where we live. Always have. It's where we both grew up but I've never liked it. I don't have ties here anymore. I have one family member who lives here but they are utterly toxic. The more time that passes, the worse they get. DH has always known that I've wanted to move away. I've been thinking about it more and more lately. Then dealing with toxic family member on top just makes me want to go more.

Anyway, I was talking to DH about it. And he doesn't want to move away. I get that. He has ties here. But it's something I keep thinking about.

Anyway, after our chat about it earlier today, he then sent me a message later saying if I wanted to go and if it would make me happy then I should go and he wouldn't stop me.

I then asked him in person if he meant what he said and he confirmed that he did mean it. I then asked if he would truly be fine with me moving away and taking our DS with us. I asked if he really wouldn't come even to stay with DS. He said he wouldn't. If me and DS moved away that would be losing two people he loves. But if he moved away with us, he'd be moving away from six people he loves.

I get that. Totally. But I can't help but feel pretty gutted that he would say that. For context, it would be his children from a previous relationship and his parents that he wouldn't leave. Which as I say, I totally understand refusing to leave your children. But I can't help but still feel hurt that he would just let DS go just like that, and me.

And honestly, I feel totally unloved. My Dad has let me down. My DM is toxic. And that's it. I don't have anyone else. No friends. Nothing. Just DH and my DS. But knowing that DH would just let us go so easily like that... I can't explain it just feels awful. Like all I really have is DS. Me and DS.

AIBU to feel this way?

OP posts:
Ashitaka · 15/09/2021 22:32

@LizzieSiddal

You shouldnt get it. Youre his wife and child. You should be his priority. Unless one of the six people he would be leaving is another of his children.

Why do posters not bother reading the OP?!

It's more like the information isn't as clear as it could be
BrendaBubbles · 15/09/2021 22:33

I was in a similar situation but the other way around. My second DH had ambitions to move to a better area a distance away and I decided to move with him and my two eldest DC went to live with their father in the old location. I thought it best to focus more on my child in the active marriage rather than focus on the past so much. It worked out.

Original poster
kravestix · 15/09/2021 22:33

@Diverseopinions

If DH is a mathematician, he maybe has a logical turn of mind and speech, and doesn't know how he expresses himself can sound uncaring.

I guess be more grounded by imagining the things that could go wrong if you moved to an unfamiliar area. Imagination can help people to be practical.

Talking to DH can be a bit like talking to Sherlock Holmes. He's so logical but doesn't know how to express himself or what he's thinking. It always comes out wrong and not how he meant it.
OP posts:
Unsure33 · 15/09/2021 22:35

I think you do need some help to change your mindset. Sounds like your OH loves his parents and his other children and wants you to be happy as well.

You need to learn to be happy somehow. And cut out the toxic relative. It can be done.

TractorAndHeadphones · 15/09/2021 22:36

How does your DH work as a mathematician if you live in a shit coastal town (unless it’s a uni town)?
Being whimsical and dreamy isn’t bad as long as you channel it to your advantage. Get a job

SoupDragon · 15/09/2021 22:36

DH says to me, I'm never happy and always want more.

DH and family before him have always kept telling me that my fantasies are impacting my reality but I don't know any other way to be?

So, you're a day dreamer who will never be satisfied with the real life in front of you...? This explains exactly why your DH has said you can leave - he feels you'll never be happy even if you do move away from his children so why would he go?

TractorAndHeadphones · 15/09/2021 22:37

Also to add I’m the storyteller, DH the logician (although we are both programmers), guess who ordinary users come looking for? 😎

SoupDragon · 15/09/2021 22:38

It's more like the information isn't as clear as it could be

It explicitly states that it would be his children. If you read the OP fully it is perfectly clear.

HalzTangz · 15/09/2021 22:38

Have you thought about writing stories/books about your day dreams/fantasies. This may help you live them out without the upheaval of moving away

Holly60 · 15/09/2021 22:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
kravestix · 15/09/2021 22:40

@TractorAndHeadphones

How does your DH work as a mathematician if you live in a shit coastal town (unless it’s a uni town)? Being whimsical and dreamy isn’t bad as long as you channel it to your advantage. Get a job
He isn't an actual mathematician and I'm not an actual story teller. I just used those as descriptors to illustrate how our brains work differently.
OP posts:
Original poster
kravestix · 15/09/2021 22:41

@HalzTangz

Have you thought about writing stories/books about your day dreams/fantasies. This may help you live them out without the upheaval of moving away
I'm writing a book at the moment. Grin 17k words in.
OP posts:
GreyEyedWitch · 15/09/2021 22:42

If you've been going on about moving a lot, then it might have been pressing on his mind and stressing him out. He knows you're whimsical and not very committed to your ambitions and probably wanted to end further hypothetical discussions about being separated from his children. You do sound very irritating to be around. I like to plan and have big dreams that sometimes change, but I would never suggest separating a father from his children. You knew what you were getting into when you entered the marriage, he comes with baggage. Get a grip!

DancyNancy · 15/09/2021 22:42

Yanbu to feel this way.
Be he is also nbu to feel his way.
It's hard Flowers it's very hard

Yellow85 · 15/09/2021 22:42

In all honesty I think the relationship ended when you basically asked him to chose between his children. Albeit in an indirect way, for you it’s a house move, but think about it from his perspective.

NinjaBreadMan · 15/09/2021 22:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HalzTangz · 15/09/2021 22:53

OP after reading your other posts I question how genuine this post is.

According to a post you wrote 3 Weeks ago you stated your DM was a wonderful woman who is great with your son, yet in this post you say she's totally toxic and one of the main reasons you want to move. So is she lovely or is she toxic.

You and your husband seems to live separate lives whilst living together, you prefer holidays alone, than a family holiday which includes his other children.

I think you don't want his other kids as part of your family and want him to move far away so he ultimately loses that contact, and you then get your annual foreign holiday

GreyhoundG1rl · 15/09/2021 22:53

If his children are still young his attitude sounds reasonable enough, really.

NinjaBreadMan · 15/09/2021 22:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oneliner · 15/09/2021 22:55

Therapy can be brilliant, give it a go.

GreyhoundG1rl · 15/09/2021 22:55

@HalzTangz

OP after reading your other posts I question how genuine this post is.

According to a post you wrote 3 Weeks ago you stated your DM was a wonderful woman who is great with your son, yet in this post you say she's totally toxic and one of the main reasons you want to move. So is she lovely or is she toxic.

You and your husband seems to live separate lives whilst living together, you prefer holidays alone, than a family holiday which includes his other children.

I think you don't want his other kids as part of your family and want him to move far away so he ultimately loses that contact, and you then get your annual foreign holiday

Ah...
Original poster
kravestix · 15/09/2021 22:57

@HalzTangz

OP after reading your other posts I question how genuine this post is.

According to a post you wrote 3 Weeks ago you stated your DM was a wonderful woman who is great with your son, yet in this post you say she's totally toxic and one of the main reasons you want to move. So is she lovely or is she toxic.

You and your husband seems to live separate lives whilst living together, you prefer holidays alone, than a family holiday which includes his other children.

I think you don't want his other kids as part of your family and want him to move far away so he ultimately loses that contact, and you then get your annual foreign holiday

DM and I have a very very complicated and complex relationship. We are incredibly close and she is wonderful with DS. But she is also controlling and sometimes, when she has been drinking usually, she says some awful awful things to me. And no, I don't prefer holidays alone. I like to holiday together as a family. But DH isn't keen on abroad and I am. It's another thing we have to compromise on.
OP posts:
Original poster
kravestix · 15/09/2021 22:59

And just to add to this. There will be no annual foreign holiday. I compromised. We are all going glamping in Wales instead!

OP posts:
Walkingalot · 15/09/2021 23:00

I understand as I grew up in a village and I felt claustrophobic. I was the first to move away, my DB followed soon after and then eventually my parents - all in the same town. Far more opportunities, places to visit etc. All 100% agree life is better.
On the practical side, I don't think there is anything you can do. You can't afford to move on your own and it sounds like moving together to the next village or nearest town isn't what you want either, even if he was prepared to compromise. I guess once the kids are old enough then it'll be a case of not wanting to leave his elderly parents. This is your reality.
This may sound silly but why not read some self help books to see if you can gain a better understanding of where this need for 'always wanting something else' comes from and ways of coping with it. Or, just indulge in fiction - live your life through someone else. I like to bury my head in a book to distract myself when I'm feeling down. Worth a shot.

Mymapuddlington · 15/09/2021 23:01

Just being nosy and if you’ve started uni can you not create a bit of life for yourself with others on your course?