AIBU to feel gutted with what DH said tonight?

[kravestix]

I hate where we live. Always have. It's where we both grew up but I've never liked it. I don't have ties here anymore. I have one family member who lives here but they are utterly toxic. The more time that passes, the worse they get. DH has always known that I've wanted to move away. I've been thinking about it more and more lately. Then dealing with toxic family member on top just makes me want to go more.

Anyway, I was talking to DH about it. And he doesn't want to move away. I get that. He has ties here. But it's something I keep thinking about.

Anyway, after our chat about it earlier today, he then sent me a message later saying if I wanted to go and if it would make me happy then I should go and he wouldn't stop me.

I then asked him in person if he meant what he said and he confirmed that he did mean it. I then asked if he would truly be fine with me moving away and taking our DS with us. I asked if he really wouldn't come even to stay with DS. He said he wouldn't. If me and DS moved away that would be losing two people he loves. But if he moved away with us, he'd be moving away from six people he loves.

I get that. Totally. But I can't help but feel pretty gutted that he would say that. For context, it would be his children from a previous relationship and his parents that he wouldn't leave. Which as I say, I totally understand refusing to leave your children. But I can't help but still feel hurt that he would just let DS go just like that, and me.

And honestly, I feel totally unloved. My Dad has let me down. My DM is toxic. And that's it. I don't have anyone else. No friends. Nothing. Just DH and my DS. But knowing that DH would just let us go so easily like that... I can't explain it just feels awful. Like all I really have is DS. Me and DS.

AIBU to feel this way?

I think you need to speak with your dh op. I understand you're hurt but it sounds like there has been a miscommunication somewhere.

Your update minimises how much you want to move away which is more apparent in your op. If you've been very open about moving away for a long time then he could think he is stopping you from being happy.

Wallowing and licking your wounds won't help. Open up a dialogue and then you might even be able to come up with a compromise.

You want him to leave his other kids "quite far away"? And you can't understand why he doesn't want to?

You shouldnt get it. Youre his wife and child. You should be his priority. Unless one of the six people he would be leaving is another of his children.

Why do posters not bother reading the OP?!

I think you’re being a bit whimsy & fanciful. You like the coast so up sticks and leave grandparents, support network and his kids because you fancy a change. When you have two set children,work,parents it’s a massive deal to just move. You really must have made it seem really urgent or compelling to leave. Maybe he heard it as ultimatum your op is strongly worded & forceful maybe that’s how he experienced it. Your opening line is I hate where we live.Always have

Have now realised who you are op and i remmeber your previous post. Your dh has four other children. Of course he cannot leave them. And he also is miserable and makes you miserable. Just leave.

If you’ve talked about it a lot he’s probably quite stressed about it and just saw this as an option to give you what you want.
I’d stay together abs where you are. Or compromise on a nicer area nearby. Things might be a bit different when all the children are older and moving around themselves!

I get his position, you’ve clearly pushed more than you’re admitting. You were asking the man to leave his children. That’s low.

For me you deserved it.

This is why marriage/relationships are a life long compromise. And that's not a bad thing when done correctly.

Nobody truly gets 100% of what they want. Because there are two adults involved who are individuals. Each have their own lives, families, careers as well as the immediate people they share a home with.

You really do need to sit down and come to a compromise that you both can agree on. If that's the next village over, or he supports you to get a social circle and back you up with no contact from the toxic family relationship you have.

It's not a black and white situation it needs a grey answer OP.

You haven't issued an ultimatum.

But he knows you hate it there and it makes you miserable and you want to move.

Only moving will make you happier, you think. He can't move because of his kids.

He is offering you the only valuable solution, to your unhappiness. That you move without him.

To make you stay where you live will only make you miserable.

So his options are let his wife be miserable, leave his kids and parents or wife moves away with one of his kids.

Nothing says he wants you to go. But he doesn't want you to be miserable.

He can’t leave his children, OP. He just can’t.

You taking DS away is very different to him moving away from his other children.

You need to be able to deal with your toxic relative, by going no contact, blocking them, reporting them to the police - whatever works best.

But you cannot expect a parent to move a significant distance away from his children

Of course he doesn't want to leave if he has 2 other children living where you do. He's prioritising your happiness, whilst also prioritising his other children. I can't imagine why you'd ask him to leave him children behind.

You can’t ask him to leave his children. Your problems will not be solved by a move far away, they never are. You should not have married him and had a child if you were thinking of moving like this. This is actually quite selfish, controlling and unfeeling for you to pursue this. It sounds like you just want him to pick you over his children to make you feel top of the heap. That’s not great.

There are also compromises to be had. One side of a town can be very different to the other yet no further away from his kids. You need to find a compromise if you think you cannot absolutely stay where you are. And take steps to deal with your problems rather than running away, blaming a place is not the answer.

It's a moot point anyway. I can't afford to move away by myself.

@kravestix

I didn't give him an ultimatum and never ever would. When he said he didn't want to move away, I said, "that's a shame, I'd love to and think we could have a better quality of life." But that was it. I didn't try and force him or issue ultimatums or ask him to choose between us. But when he said all that it just really hurt. I'd like to live by the coast. We do live in a coastal town but not a very nice one and quite a deprived area. The places I'd like are all quite far. I wanted a better life for my DS. And I've always wanted to move away. Not just because of the toxic person.

If you've always wanted to move away then why did you marry a man with children in the area? He was never going to want to move, was he?

Presumably when you got together with DH you were aware of his previous children and the ties he would want to have to them. You accepted that when you got together with him I’m afraid. So you cannot expect him to move away-they we’re there first before you and your son. How would you feel if you and your son were the first family and Dad was moving far away? Good on him for wanting to stick around for his older children!

@kravestix but do you see that you’re BU? How would you feel if you re-married and your new husband wanted you to leave DS with your ex?

I'd like to live by the coast. We do live in a coastal town but not a very nice one and quite a deprived area. The places I'd like are all quite far. I wanted a better life for my DS. And I've always wanted to move away.

Isn’t there a compromise, does it have to be so far away you suggest moving to? If you’re already on the coast isn’t there somewhere not too far you could move to, so he can still see his kids & parents?

How old are his kids, how often does he see them etc?

Just reading the comments... OP is not asking or expecting her dh to leave everything and move!!!! He knows she would like to move, she's mentioned it and he's gone and pretty much out of the blue has said- you and ds can move, I won't stop you. So brutal. Doesn't seem like he cares, I'm sorry. I would suggest move...speak to your ds about it, depending on how old he is

I know, I know. I get exactly how it is. I was the daughter from the first family and my Dad fucked off and left me. I know how it feels.

You might be thinking a better quality of life but the grass isn’t always greener.
If the only reason you’re staying is financial that’s a terrible reason.
Why can’t he introduce to his friends and their partners, can you befriend your children’s friends parents? Build the life you want where you are?

Surely there is a compromise to be had here. Is there not a near by town that isn't as deprived that you could both move to? Somewhere you could have a better quality of life and be happier but where he could also be near to his parents and children?

You can’t actually afford to move but yet You go on about it? A whimsy wish
You’ve Expressed your dissatisfaction and you hate the place to your dh
No wonder he got annoyed and snapped back, it is quite wearing I imagine

@LawnFever

I'd like to live by the coast. We do live in a coastal town but not a very nice one and quite a deprived area. The places I'd like are all quite far. I wanted a better life for my DS. And I've always wanted to move away.

Isn’t there a compromise, does it have to be so far away you suggest moving to? If you’re already on the coast isn’t there somewhere not too far you could move to, so he can still see his kids & parents?

How old are his kids, how often does he see them etc?

We are Coastal South East at the moment but have been priced out of absolutely everywhere else in the South East. We seem to be in the absolutely cheapest place and can't afford anywhere else locally. We are pretty stuck.

Another reason I wanted to move away. SE prices.

@kravestix I do get it, I ended up living in a town I hated away from all my friends and family. But I did it because exdp had to be near his kids. It was a non negotiable for him and me. When we split and I moved with dd I stayed local because I was not prepared to move dd away from her dad and siblings.

Current dp lives about 90 miles away. He would love us to move in together and somewhere maybe half way between where I live and he lives. BUT I have said an outright no. I will not compromise no matter how much I hate the fact all my friends live miles away. Dd and her relationship with her dad comes before all of us.

I'm sorry you hate the place you live. But your dh is being put in an impossible situation. Spin it around and look at it like this, how would you feel if he said you could move but your ds stays with him? How would you feel? To be made to choose?

Ultimately he could prevent you taking your joint ds by applying for a prohibitive steps order. Which would put a massive spanner in the works.

You need to accept that your marriage will be over if you want to move or you need to come to terms with your situation and start making the best of it.

I haven't read the full thread yet but just wanted to say I'm in exactly the same position as you OP.

I have no ties here other than two toxic relatives who make me miserable. OH has his father semi locally who he only sees once every 6 months or so, and his older children he shares with his ex partner.

It doesn't help matters that we desperately need to upsize but can't afford what we need in this area. If I want to stay with him I have to settle for a tiny cramped home where our DC don't even have their own bedrooms, or go forward alone and be a single parent.

It's all well and good saying he doesn't want to move away from the area where his eldest kids live, but they aren't short of space or sacrificing a good quality of life. Me and mine are.

I just wanted to let you know you're not alone and I don't think you're being unreasonable at all