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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel gutted with what DH said tonight?

351 replies

kravestix · 15/09/2021 21:10

I hate where we live. Always have. It's where we both grew up but I've never liked it. I don't have ties here anymore. I have one family member who lives here but they are utterly toxic. The more time that passes, the worse they get. DH has always known that I've wanted to move away. I've been thinking about it more and more lately. Then dealing with toxic family member on top just makes me want to go more.

Anyway, I was talking to DH about it. And he doesn't want to move away. I get that. He has ties here. But it's something I keep thinking about.

Anyway, after our chat about it earlier today, he then sent me a message later saying if I wanted to go and if it would make me happy then I should go and he wouldn't stop me.

I then asked him in person if he meant what he said and he confirmed that he did mean it. I then asked if he would truly be fine with me moving away and taking our DS with us. I asked if he really wouldn't come even to stay with DS. He said he wouldn't. If me and DS moved away that would be losing two people he loves. But if he moved away with us, he'd be moving away from six people he loves.

I get that. Totally. But I can't help but feel pretty gutted that he would say that. For context, it would be his children from a previous relationship and his parents that he wouldn't leave. Which as I say, I totally understand refusing to leave your children. But I can't help but still feel hurt that he would just let DS go just like that, and me.

And honestly, I feel totally unloved. My Dad has let me down. My DM is toxic. And that's it. I don't have anyone else. No friends. Nothing. Just DH and my DS. But knowing that DH would just let us go so easily like that... I can't explain it just feels awful. Like all I really have is DS. Me and DS.

AIBU to feel this way?

OP posts:
LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 15/09/2021 21:52

You want to move away and he doesn't. He has said you can go without acrimony because he knows how unhappy you are. But that's not good enough either..? You want him to move or to not want you to go?

What led to the decision for you to move where you are now?

Standrewsschool · 15/09/2021 21:52

I would feel hurt by that comment - he would let you go without a backward glance. There was no discussion about how you could come to a compromise - move within easy distance of his children and parents for example.

Hekatestorch · 15/09/2021 21:52

Op so what outcome do you want?

When you discuss how miserable you are with your dh, what's the plan?

Because you accept he can't move so what's you suggestion?

Because honestly, if my dp kept having a discussion with me telling me how miserable he is, because his shitty dad lives down the road and that the only thing that would make him happy is moving away and me leaving my other kids, I can imagine I would get to a point t where I would just tell him to go and I wasn't coming.

I couldn't sit there knowing he hated his life and the only fix was for me to leave my kids. He would either need to move on, get therapy to dela with th shitry parent situation or go.

LizzieSiddal · 15/09/2021 21:53

I know, I know. I get exactly how it is. I was the daughter from the first family and my Dad fucked off and left me. I know how it feels.*

Then why are you asking your dh to do it?

Cryalot2 · 15/09/2021 21:55

Sad this.
It is possible your dh realises you will never be happy there and feels he cannot move far ( you did say places you wanted to move were a distance away) from parents whom he feels some responsibility towards and his other children. So knowing that you will never be happy is giving you his blessing to go.
You can chat and see if you love each other and if you can reach a compromise (you and ds move but spend weekends with him )
Once you chat you can make your decision.

Cocomarine · 15/09/2021 21:55

You’re being really unfair. You knew he didn’t want to move AND that he had children in this place when you chose to have a child with him.

I appreciate it’s only a few posts, but I do get the vibe that you’re someone who would just take their problems with them.

No matter what the area you live in now is like (I’ll take a punt on Dover or Rye!) if you’re coastal south east, then you’re not far from other beautiful places, so you can get away for weekends.

You need to work on dealing with your toxic family member - which may mean cutting them out, or learning how to deal with them differently.

GoWalkabout · 15/09/2021 21:55

Oh sweetheart, I think he does love you he just doesn't want to control you and make you unhappy. Is it possible for you to go NC with toxic family member and if achieved would this make you happier?

LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 · 15/09/2021 21:56

Sorry but YABU given that he has other children.

Could you not move half an hour away?

callmeadoctor · 15/09/2021 21:57

There absolutely will be a compromise. A smaller house in a nicer town/area. Put your criteria on here, Mumsnetters will find you a place. He is a man who doesn't want to move away from his children, and why on earth would he want to.

ZenNudist · 15/09/2021 21:57

Your dh sounds reasonable and loving. He's said he'd lose the 2 people he loves (you and ds) if it would make you happy. He can't leave his other dc and ywbvu to expect him to move. It seems strange you've decided this now. The time to think like this was before you married a man with children in the area you hated.

It sounds like you'd be able to leave when his dc are grown and his parents pass so you will get your way eventually.

SoupDragon · 15/09/2021 21:58

When he said he didn't want to move away, I said, "that's a shame, I'd love to and think we could have a better quality of life." But that was it.

So, you've just mentioned it once?

Cocomarine · 15/09/2021 21:58

@SafeguardingWhenSeekingHelp his relationship with his children far outweigh you wanting your kids to have a bedroom each. “They don’t even have their own room”? That’s normal for LOADS of children, it’s really not a big deal.

Thatsplentyjack · 15/09/2021 21:59

So you're not OK with him making the decision to let your ds go, but you want himbto be OK with letting his other children go Confused

Sobeyondthehills · 15/09/2021 21:59

I am sort of in your position, in the fact I want to move, I hate where we live, but DP won't move away from his eldest, which tbf he was very clear on early in our relationship, however we have agreed that once his DS turns 18, then we start looking for somewhere else, it depends on some other things, but it was the compromise we have made.

Bluntness100 · 15/09/2021 22:00

@kravestix

I know, I know. I get exactly how it is. I was the daughter from the first family and my Dad fucked off and left me. I know how it feels.
And yet here you are asking someone else’s father to do it.
Hankunamatata · 15/09/2021 22:00

perhaps dh feels he is making you miserable by 'making' you stay so was giving you an out if you wanted it. You need to have a more in depth conversation about his. He has made it clear where he stands now you have to work out can you be happy staying?

SiobhanSharpe · 15/09/2021 22:00

There are a few posters urging the OP to compromise -- but I don't see any compromise coming from her DH either.
She tells us that if she moved he said he would not come and stay - or even visit - her and their DC at all.
So why not? It's not exactly unknown that a couple may not live with each other full time, but see each other at weekends, (and not necessarily every weekend), for example. It works for some people. But the OP's DH seems to have dismissed the idea.

Luddite26 · 15/09/2021 22:00

Yanbu but he probably isn't either.

DGFB · 15/09/2021 22:02

You’re not being fair on him. He doesn’t want to leave his children and he doesn’t want you and ds to go either!
But you are saying you’re so miserable you can’t stay. What is he supposed to do?
He’s not just “letting you leave”.

Diverseopinions · 15/09/2021 22:03

I agree with other posters that you are being whimsical.

It sounds to me like you are chasing a dream of a better life being greener on the other side of the fence. He, on the other hand, is being prosaic and practical. He's making a life around people . Are you wanting to build a life around pleasure and nice experiences?

He has thought it through and knows he can't order you to stay. He is probably thinking how he can help everyone else in his life and not what a grand time he can have it he looks for the best lifestyle he can afford.

I don't know what else he can say, as he isn't arguing from the same point of view as you. He can't meet you on your terms and argue whether Rye would be nicer than Brighton, as he is relationship focused and isn't thinking about nice neighborhoods.

He's chosen to present his point of view logically with number ratios : 6:2. Perhaps he is a logical thinker all the time, and not just using logic to be awkward.

If you did move your son away from his dad, then your own argument would be defeated. You could not claim to be moving to give your son a better life, as having to travel miles to see Daddy would never be better.

All you can do is compromise and move just a little way away.

Original poster
kravestix · 15/09/2021 22:03

He won't let me get a dog either. Or chickens. Or a tortoise. Wish he'd relent on one of those! 😂

OP posts:
Fraine · 15/09/2021 22:03

@Winter2019

Just reading the comments... OP is not asking or expecting her dh to leave everything and move!!!! He knows she would like to move, she's mentioned it and he's gone and pretty much out of the blue has said- you and ds can move, I won't stop you. So brutal. Doesn't seem like he cares, I'm sorry. I would suggest move...speak to your ds about it, depending on how old he is
I think you’ve misread the OP. She was sounding him out about moving today!

Anyway, I was talking to DH about it. And he doesn't want to move away. I get that. He has ties here. But it's something I keep thinking about.

Anyway, after our chat about it earlier today, he then sent me a message later saying if I wanted to go and if it would make me happy then I should go and he wouldn't stop me.

RosiePosieDozy · 15/09/2021 22:04

He probably feels pressured by your feelings. He knows you're unhappy living where you do but he doesn't ever want to move away from his older children. He seems like a good man to me with morals. I'm sure he loves you both.

Flatwhitewhiner · 15/09/2021 22:05

I understand you feeling hurt, but you’ve caught your husband in a bind here: whatever option he gave you wouldn’t be the right one. Him being prepared to walk away from his older kids would be awful, him issuing you an ultimatum would be wrong. On balance I believe he has given you the least worst option which is agency, should you choose it. Imagine how hard it must be to live with someone who is so unhappy with a big aspect of your shared life together. That said, I have empathy for you because being somewhere you hate is tough.

What is it you hope to achieve from moving away from your area? You come across as rather passive and not prepared to take your life into your own hands. If moving is a moot point due to costs, then what were you hoping to achieve by bringing this topic up with your husband again?

I wonder if you’re relying on your husband to fix the things you perceive to be lacking rather than really examining what it is you hope to achieve from moving away.

It doesn’t sound like he doesn’t care for you and your child. It sounds like he’s been ground down by your dissatisfaction and has finally reacted.

Original poster
kravestix · 15/09/2021 22:06

@Diverseopinions

I agree with other posters that you are being whimsical.

It sounds to me like you are chasing a dream of a better life being greener on the other side of the fence. He, on the other hand, is being prosaic and practical. He's making a life around people . Are you wanting to build a life around pleasure and nice experiences?

He has thought it through and knows he can't order you to stay. He is probably thinking how he can help everyone else in his life and not what a grand time he can have it he looks for the best lifestyle he can afford.

I don't know what else he can say, as he isn't arguing from the same point of view as you. He can't meet you on your terms and argue whether Rye would be nicer than Brighton, as he is relationship focused and isn't thinking about nice neighborhoods.

He's chosen to present his point of view logically with number ratios : 6:2. Perhaps he is a logical thinker all the time, and not just using logic to be awkward.

If you did move your son away from his dad, then your own argument would be defeated. You could not claim to be moving to give your son a better life, as having to travel miles to see Daddy would never be better.

All you can do is compromise and move just a little way away.

This is quite accurate. I am whimsical. Not very grounded in reality. DH is logical. Practical. I'm a story teller. He's a mathematician. That kind of thing. Yes, I want pleasure and nice experiences.
OP posts: