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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel gutted with what DH said tonight?

351 replies

kravestix · 15/09/2021 21:10

I hate where we live. Always have. It's where we both grew up but I've never liked it. I don't have ties here anymore. I have one family member who lives here but they are utterly toxic. The more time that passes, the worse they get. DH has always known that I've wanted to move away. I've been thinking about it more and more lately. Then dealing with toxic family member on top just makes me want to go more.

Anyway, I was talking to DH about it. And he doesn't want to move away. I get that. He has ties here. But it's something I keep thinking about.

Anyway, after our chat about it earlier today, he then sent me a message later saying if I wanted to go and if it would make me happy then I should go and he wouldn't stop me.

I then asked him in person if he meant what he said and he confirmed that he did mean it. I then asked if he would truly be fine with me moving away and taking our DS with us. I asked if he really wouldn't come even to stay with DS. He said he wouldn't. If me and DS moved away that would be losing two people he loves. But if he moved away with us, he'd be moving away from six people he loves.

I get that. Totally. But I can't help but feel pretty gutted that he would say that. For context, it would be his children from a previous relationship and his parents that he wouldn't leave. Which as I say, I totally understand refusing to leave your children. But I can't help but still feel hurt that he would just let DS go just like that, and me.

And honestly, I feel totally unloved. My Dad has let me down. My DM is toxic. And that's it. I don't have anyone else. No friends. Nothing. Just DH and my DS. But knowing that DH would just let us go so easily like that... I can't explain it just feels awful. Like all I really have is DS. Me and DS.

AIBU to feel this way?

OP posts:
Jenjenn · 15/09/2021 21:25

Sorry but you have put him between a rock and a hard place. You are making him choose between his 4(?) older kids and the youngest. It isn't an easy choice for him, it's an impossible one that you are asking him to make.

Mydogmylife · 15/09/2021 21:25

@Ashitaka

Who are the people he would be leaving behind?
Read the op first post! His other children and parents
EmeraldShamrock · 15/09/2021 21:26

Okay I apologise I read 6 people as family members not DC.

Why do you want to go so much?

QueenBee52 · 15/09/2021 21:26

OP... you need to prioritise your own needs now..

He is telling you he is at peace with you going ... So Go .. start your new life somewhere afresh 🌸

Nanananani · 15/09/2021 21:27

How far is the move?

Hekatestorch · 15/09/2021 21:27

@Theworldishard

I don't think he sounds bothered about you or your son sadly.
Not really.

He is being torn between the son his has with op and his other kids.

I mean he could split with op and tell her to go but he is keeping the son. Not sure that would make him less of a dick.

Op is miserable. To move will make him miserable and would be leaving his other kids.

There's no win for him here.

Theworldishard · 15/09/2021 21:28

@Hekatestorch on re reading the ops post I agree with you.

WinterSunglasses · 15/09/2021 21:28

She doesn’t unilaterally get to decide where they all live

But he does? That's what's been the case till now.

I would feel very unloved and undervalued by this OP. As an early pp said, you now have to decide what to do with this information. I would feel sad for your son too. Are his other children grown up or still under 18s?

Mymapuddlington · 15/09/2021 21:29

Ok I missed that it would be his other kids.
I think you both need to talk properly and come to a decision.

Would he move to the next town?
Do you drive?
You can join clubs, activities, community projects, build a life you want.
Go no contact with people you don’t want to talk to and try to make some friends

PersonaNonGarter · 15/09/2021 21:29

Come on, OP, you can see through this. He is controlling and goading you.

Do you know where you want to move to, or is this just a cry freedom to go anywhere?

LizzieSiddal · 15/09/2021 21:29

I do understand why he won’t leave his two children behind. He’s putting them before you but his children should come first in this situation.

If he’s made himself clear that he will not leave his Dc and you keep bringing it up, maybe he felt he wanted to put an end to the discussion.

Honeyroar · 15/09/2021 21:30

I can see why you feel upset, but I can see his point. How old are his children/parents? Perhaps moving in the future might be possible? Did he live there when you met him?

Original poster
kravestix · 15/09/2021 21:30

I didn't give him an ultimatum and never ever would. When he said he didn't want to move away, I said, "that's a shame, I'd love to and think we could have a better quality of life." But that was it. I didn't try and force him or issue ultimatums or ask him to choose between us. But when he said all that it just really hurt. I'd like to live by the coast. We do live in a coastal town but not a very nice one and quite a deprived area. The places I'd like are all quite far. I wanted a better life for my DS. And I've always wanted to move away. Not just because of the toxic person.

OP posts:
EspressoDoubleShot · 15/09/2021 21:31

If a woman posted her dh was demanding they leave her parents,children and support network there’d be uproar and support for the woman

CoRhona · 15/09/2021 21:31

YABU. You want him to leave his other kids because you're not happy - what an awful position to put him in.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 15/09/2021 21:31

@PersonaNonGarter

Come on, OP, you can see through this. He is controlling and goading you.

Do you know where you want to move to, or is this just a cry freedom to go anywhere?

Of course! Nothing says abusive and controlling like a father not wanting to leave two of his children 🙄
3luckystars · 15/09/2021 21:31

It’s a bit of an extreme solution to move away with your child, away from your husband just because you don’t like someone. What would happen if you told them to piss off?

Just10moreminutesplease · 15/09/2021 21:31

I think you’re actually quite cruel to keep talking about wanting to move away when you know he has children living in your current area.

Of course he shouldn’t prioritise you and leave them behind.

Yes he would be living in a different place to your shared dc if you moved, but that would be your decision rather than his.

Ozanj · 15/09/2021 21:32

@kravestix

I hate where we live. Always have. It's where we both grew up but I've never liked it. I don't have ties here anymore. I have one family member who lives here but they are utterly toxic. The more time that passes, the worse they get. DH has always known that I've wanted to move away. I've been thinking about it more and more lately. Then dealing with toxic family member on top just makes me want to go more.

Anyway, I was talking to DH about it. And he doesn't want to move away. I get that. He has ties here. But it's something I keep thinking about.

Anyway, after our chat about it earlier today, he then sent me a message later saying if I wanted to go and if it would make me happy then I should go and he wouldn't stop me.

I then asked him in person if he meant what he said and he confirmed that he did mean it. I then asked if he would truly be fine with me moving away and taking our DS with us. I asked if he really wouldn't come even to stay with DS. He said he wouldn't. If me and DS moved away that would be losing two people he loves. But if he moved away with us, he'd be moving away from six people he loves.

I get that. Totally. But I can't help but feel pretty gutted that he would say that. For context, it would be his children from a previous relationship and his parents that he wouldn't leave. Which as I say, I totally understand refusing to leave your children. But I can't help but still feel hurt that he would just let DS go just like that, and me.

And honestly, I feel totally unloved. My Dad has let me down. My DM is toxic. And that's it. I don't have anyone else. No friends. Nothing. Just DH and my DS. But knowing that DH would just let us go so easily like that... I can't explain it just feels awful. Like all I really have is DS. Me and DS.

AIBU to feel this way?

Pull yourself together. You can’t expect him to abandon his kids just because you can’t deal with a few toxic family members. Cut them off and get counselling if you need to.
QueenBee52 · 15/09/2021 21:33

@EspressoDoubleShot

If a woman posted her dh was demanding they leave her parents,children and support network there’d be uproar and support for the woman

OP never demanded anything.. you hade made up this narrative to suit your agenda ...

CassandraTrotter · 15/09/2021 21:33

If me and DS moved away that would be losing two people he loves. But if he moved away with us, he'd be moving away from six people he loves. I get that. Totally.

You shouldnt get it. Youre his wife and child. You should be his priority. Unless one of the six people he would be leaving is another of his children.

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 15/09/2021 21:35

@CassandraTrotter

If me and DS moved away that would be losing two people he loves. But if he moved away with us, he'd be moving away from six people he loves. I get that. Totally.

You shouldnt get it. Youre his wife and child. You should be his priority. Unless one of the six people he would be leaving is another of his children.

It says it’s his children form a previous relationship and his parents in the OP
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 15/09/2021 21:35

Hi OP
You want to live quite far away, by the coast, for a better quality of life. Are there literally no other options between move far away or stay? Like move further inland but closer? Or a bigger town? There must be other options that you could consider. I understand wanting to move away from a deprived area but I don't really get moving because you have no ties, unless you're moving somewhere you do have ties, because you're not in any different position.
How old are his older kids? Would he reconsider once they have left home (eg if they went away to uni or is it likely they will stay in the same town forever as well). What about in the distant future like when you retire?

Original poster
kravestix · 15/09/2021 21:35

@CassandraTrotter

If me and DS moved away that would be losing two people he loves. But if he moved away with us, he'd be moving away from six people he loves. I get that. Totally.

You shouldnt get it. Youre his wife and child. You should be his priority. Unless one of the six people he would be leaving is another of his children.

Which it is, his other children. Which is why I do get it.
OP posts:
BrilliantBetty · 15/09/2021 21:35

It is completely understandable he doesn't want to leave his children. He is also giving you the option, as he sees how unhappy you are here and want to move away.

It is good IMO that he is not ditching his older children for his younger child. And you know where you stand.. and he is not going to battle you for access to your child which could relieve a lot of stress during a separate.

I'd grab this opportunity with both hands..