AIBU to feel gutted with what DH said tonight?

[kravestix]

I hate where we live. Always have. It's where we both grew up but I've never liked it. I don't have ties here anymore. I have one family member who lives here but they are utterly toxic. The more time that passes, the worse they get. DH has always known that I've wanted to move away. I've been thinking about it more and more lately. Then dealing with toxic family member on top just makes me want to go more.

Anyway, I was talking to DH about it. And he doesn't want to move away. I get that. He has ties here. But it's something I keep thinking about.

Anyway, after our chat about it earlier today, he then sent me a message later saying if I wanted to go and if it would make me happy then I should go and he wouldn't stop me.

I then asked him in person if he meant what he said and he confirmed that he did mean it. I then asked if he would truly be fine with me moving away and taking our DS with us. I asked if he really wouldn't come even to stay with DS. He said he wouldn't. If me and DS moved away that would be losing two people he loves. But if he moved away with us, he'd be moving away from six people he loves.

I get that. Totally. But I can't help but feel pretty gutted that he would say that. For context, it would be his children from a previous relationship and his parents that he wouldn't leave. Which as I say, I totally understand refusing to leave your children. But I can't help but still feel hurt that he would just let DS go just like that, and me.

And honestly, I feel totally unloved. My Dad has let me down. My DM is toxic. And that's it. I don't have anyone else. No friends. Nothing. Just DH and my DS. But knowing that DH would just let us go so easily like that... I can't explain it just feels awful. Like all I really have is DS. Me and DS.

AIBU to feel this way?

@kravestix

He won't let me get a dog either. Or chickens. Or a tortoise. Wish he'd relent on one of those! 😂

Yes that’s a well thought out range of animals. All so similar and low maintenance

I do sympathise OP but I have to say YABU. His other kids get a tiny mention way down the thread, you don't seem to appreciate that those children should be as important to him as the child he shares with you.

I do understand the urge to run away and start afresh but he wouldn't be a good man if he did this. I've glanced at your posting history (I know, I know but your situation sounded familiar and I just wanted to confirm you were the poster I was thinking of) - this has been going on for a good while so I suspect it's not as some as it sounds in your OP which makes it seem like you casually mentioned moving away and he immediately said he wasn't bothered if you do.

Only you can decide if it's worth uprooting yourself and your child but it's not going to be a big cure-all at all, unfortunately we take our problems with us, if only it were so easy to outrun them!

I wish you all the best

Just to clarify. We could afford to move. But I couldn't afford to move on my own without DH. In fact, I couldn't afford to leave DH at all, even if I moved two doors down!

Is there anything stopping you having nice experiences? Surely you can travel here there and everywhere for experiences?

@SiobhanSharpe

There are a few posters urging the OP to compromise -- but I don't see any compromise coming from her DH either. She tells us that if she moved he said he would not come and stay - or even visit - her and their DC at all. So why not? It's not exactly unknown that a couple may not live with each other full time, but see each other at weekends, (and not necessarily every weekend), for example. It works for some people. But the OP's DH seems to have dismissed the idea.

How do they afford to run 2 homes when the op says she can't afford to move away on her own?

How does he spend weekends with op and their ds and work to pay for 2 homes and see his other children and pay towards them?

At most it would be every other weekend. Probably less. As a relationship that doesn't work for most people. It does for some, not all.

And op says they would need to love quite far for her to get what she feels she needs.

He didn't say he wouldn't see the child. But he wouldn't be staying over their either. The child would see him at the dhs House.

Op
You can move if you want to. As a single parent you would get benefits . You would have to look for a job however.
I think in a nutshell you want to move to some picturesque coastal town and live your best life but need your dh to bankroll it . The fly in the ointment is your dh won't leave his existing kids so you either a) move alone and accept a lower standard of living in your new town or b) stay where you are where you feel this town is the source of all your issues

I think that you think a new location will solve all your problems, it won't op. If you love your dh, I'd focus on trying to improve your own happiness where you are.

Of course he wouldn't just let you go. He's just putting the onus back onto you to tell him that you will stay. That way you can't complain as he gave you a choice and you decided to stay. He's just reacting to you putting him in the awkward predicament of leaving his other children and probably felt hurt (and maybe even a little guilty too that he is unable to make you happy ( I'm affording him the benefit of the doubt here as I'm sure that he's mostly just saying it to get a reaction from you and test you)).

Op, I mean this kindly, but I think you may need some sort of professional support.

You can have nice experiences and pleasure.

Its likely you will move and then find you aren't happy again. Because this unhappiness comes from inside yourself, probably over the problems with your family.

It sounds like you want to run away, hopi g that's solves your problem. You can have pleasure and nice experiences wherever you live. And your problems will just love with you.

I do love DH. I won't deny we do have some issues. I suppose every relationship does. But I do love him. He's a good man and a good Dad. I want to move away. Truly I do. So much. But I know deep down that I could never take DS away from his Dad or his siblings who he adores. That wouldn't be doing right by DS. And he is my priority. I do think moving could give him a better life and more opportunities but it comes with a cost doesn't it and that would be his relationship with DH and his siblings.

How old are his children and how old is yours?
It sounds like you are going to need to move a fair way to afford what you want. With the other circumstances, he's not unreasonable.
If you could move into the country or to another town 40minutes away I'd think he should do it for you but from what you've said it's not that simple.
All that leaves is agree a date in the future. Say before your child finishes primary school and when they are old enough to travel independently and don't want to see dad so much

So stop being whimsical and day dreaming of mythical better times
It’s not practical, it won’t happen, make best of what You have. Here and now

Keep looking at nearby areas. Something may come up. Or perhaps you could both focus on trying to build up your savings so you can upgrade to a nicer place in a neighbouring town.

You cannot reasonably expect him to drop four of his children to follow you. Part of your problem is seeing it as a competition that you would lose. I'm sure he loves all of his children, including his youngest. But you are the one who is unhappy, he's not.

Focus on what you can change instead of feeling upset that he won't drop his other children to follow your DS wherever you choose to go. That's not healthy.

Could you afford to get a tourer caravan on a seasonal pitch somewhere an hour or two away and then escape for weekends away. Sometimes you don't need to make a drastic change, smaller changes can also bring big effects.

@Hekatestorch

Op, I mean this kindly, but I think you may need some sort of professional support.

You can have nice experiences and pleasure.

Its likely you will move and then find you aren't happy again. Because this unhappiness comes from inside yourself, probably over the problems with your family.

It sounds like you want to run away, hopi g that's solves your problem. You can have pleasure and nice experiences wherever you live. And your problems will just love with you.

Hmmm. I have always liked the idea of running away. Of travelling. Of living remotely, off grid or on a boat. I change my mind all the time too. I think, huh, if I just do this or get that then that'll be it, everything sorted and I'll be happy. And then I need to get or do something else to be happy. And it's never ending. Like getting a dog, for example, I keep thinking, once I've got a dog then I'll be happy, life complete, that sort of thing. But I know deep down, if DH let me have a dog, a few months later, I'd need something else to make me happy and complete life, to move house or to quite my job. DH says to me, I'm never happy and always want more. Sometimes I even get a strong urge to skip out for a few days and take some drugs. I never do. But it's a rather tempting idea.

I think Hugoslavia may be close to the truth here. He knows he will not move away because of his children but feels guilty about making you stay - so wants you to make the choice instead of owning what his choices are doing to you. Don't leap to feeling unloved, OP.

I think you should sit down with him OP and talk about how you feel. I can completely understand him not wanting to move away from children. It is hurtful that he was ok with you and his child moving away but my guess is he knew that wouldn't happen. Could you agree that you will stay here until his older children are older and then review properly? He might like being near his parents but making his wife happy is more important than that.

We have had the where will we live discussion where there was no compromise - there generally isn't. it sucks but was worth it in the context of the relationship. I didn't feel unloved because dh wouldn't live where I wanted. It is just that life is complex and difficult sometimes and things get in the way.

@EspressoDoubleShot

So stop being whimsical and day dreaming of mythical better times It’s not practical, it won’t happen, make best of what You have. Here and now

But how do I do that? I've been day dreaming for as long as I can remember. DH and family before him have always kept telling me that my fantasies are impacting my reality but I don't know any other way to be?

He won't let me get a dog either. Or chickens. Or a tortoise. Wish he'd relent on one of those! 😂

But.... He might let you get an Oculus Quest or similar! Because he could play with it too.

Then you can go wherever you want in your head, have all those wonderful experiences you want almost like for real. And while you're there, you won't be thinking about all this sad stuff!

I think he knows how long you've been unhappy and without having any ability to make what you want happen he is saying that he wouldn't stand in your way. It came across to me as a 'if you love someone let them go' type of thing.
I don't think he wants you to go, he just sees your desire to get away has no end and what can he do other than not to be an obstacle to that.
I think you should have a heart to heart with him and balance your desire for elsewhere with recognition that the ability of you both to change your circumstances is limited, so he knows that being with him isn't the only reason you can't make your escape. But also ask him if he is not bothered (as it seemed to you) or if he just can't see another way to please you (which is different). See if you can't both put your mind to getting the most out of life with the constraints you're under instead of wishing things were different when they're not.

I get it OP. Thinking long and hard about whether your marriage can survive you staying put. If not, then you should go now.

I’m now imprisoned in a town with a horribly long commute where I run into school bullies when I go into town. I hate it. But if I try to move against ex’s wishes, I might not be able to take DS with me. The longer you stay, the more likely it is that you can never leave.

Ok, you’ll not fundamentally change your personality but you can reality check
You write the idea down. Pro vs cons and practicalities and that is your guide
As you said, dreamy you wants to move,escape be elsewhere
Practical you know it’s unaffordable and not happening
You keep reality checking and no impulsive actions

Hmmm. I have always liked the idea of running away. Of travelling. Of living remotely, off grid or on a boat. I change my mind all the time too. I think, huh, if I just do this or get that then that'll be it, everything sorted and I'll be happy. And then I need to get or do something else to be happy. And it's never ending. Like getting a dog, for example, I keep thinking, once I've got a dog then I'll be happy, life complete, that sort of thing. But I know deep down, if DH let me have a dog, a few months later, I'd need something else to make me happy and complete life, to move house or to quite my job. DH says to me, I'm never happy and always want more. Sometimes I even get a strong urge to skip out for a few days and take some drugs. I never do. But it's a rather tempting idea.

We all want to skip out for a few days occasionally. It's not that unusual.

But that clearly another reason dh doesn't want to do this. It won't solve the problem. Then he will be far away from his kids and you will still be miserable and so will he.

I really think you should look at professional support to deal with your issues.

If you really wanted to travel, you would have done. If you really wanted to live on a boat, you would have done.

Your dh can't keep fulfilling every idea you have ever had to the detriment to himself and his other kids. Especially, when it won't actually make you happy in the long run.

And trust me I get it. Mum with sever MH issues. Disappearing, reappearing dad. Parents remarried, I left straight into an abusive marriage etc. Plenty of trauma to spare, here

I get the wanting to run away or live off grid. But you have responsibilities. And your problems will go with you.

Trust me, I know.

@Ashitaka

Sorry, didn't see that it was his children

Of course you can't ask him to leave his dc, but do you have to move very far?

@Mydogmylife Guess you didn't read my follow up eh???

I'm a daydreamer and always have been too OP, but I frequently remind myself it is a dream and not grounded in reality. So while I might spend time window shopping on Rightmove, I equally remind myself to enjoy the here and now otherwise I think I could also slip into a mindset of if I lived in xxx place then I'd be happier. This might sound really weird, but I have a whole other life in my head that I indulge in before going to sleep, I've even decorated my fantasy dream home in my mind 😆

@CassandraTrotter

If me and DS moved away that would be losing two people he loves. But if he moved away with us, he'd be moving away from six people he loves. I get that. Totally.

You shouldnt get it. Youre his wife and child. You should be his priority. Unless one of the six people he would be leaving is another of his children.

@Mydogmylife

Hmm, I'm not the only one who missed it, here's another one (and there are more)

If DH is a mathematician, he maybe has a logical turn of mind and speech, and doesn't know how he expresses himself can sound uncaring.

I guess be more grounded by imagining the things that could go wrong if you moved to an unfamiliar area. Imagination can help people to be practical.