Male midwives - aibu

[Ikeasucks]

My 27 yr old niece is pregnant and we were discussing the coming birth - she said she would like to put female only midwife on her birthing plan but is worried how the staff, her friends etc will react as one “friend” told her she was being sexist and bigoted for taking that view. Aibu in thinking it’s perfectly fine and understandable for women to want another woman at such a time - it it’s possible

@Theworldishard

A male midwife has been found guilty of child indecent images in the news. Worrying. Do what makes you feel safe OP

And female nurses have never done anything wrong? I can think of several who have served time for awful crimes. There have been male teachers, police and other professionals who have committed child indecency crimes, as well as females too. Do you suggest only females work with females?

All those insisting she is unreasonable are saying that she should not have personal boundaries, that she must expose herself to males. Her consent does not matter/it is unreasonable for her not to be touched by a man.

Sounds a bit abusive to me.

Didn't have a male midwife, but did have a male doctor who had to check my stitches after delivery, guess what... ITS NO DIFFERENT THAN A FEMALE DOCTOR!

And that check probably took 90 seconds? And you presumably had a chaperone in the room or were offered one?

Yeah, that’s absolutely the same as supporting a woman through 12+ hours of active labour.

She has every right to choose the sex of her midwife. I wouldn't have had a male midwife. I had a male anaesthetist who was very nice but that was just my hand!

I requested a female optometrist for DDs most recent eye test because I didn't like the male one she had previously and was so glad I did because she was so much better.

I think it's fine to prefer a female midwife.
Personally I wouldn't care, I've had quite a few male sonographers, male fetal medicine drs, and there was a lot of male staff who helped deliver my baby via csection. Like with female midwives, most are there to do a job and be helpful and compassionate.

@MazzleDazzle

All three of my pregnancies were consultant led because of complications. All three of my babies were delivered by a male consultant. There were no female consultants, only male.

I’ve never heard of anyone objecting to male consultants, just male midwifes. I’m curious as to why?

They’re not quite the same birth though. If you’re consultant led you would have a midwife in addition whereas a normal birth it would just be the midwife. For either generally it’s the midwife doing all routine monitoring, obs and generally ‘caring’ for you. It’s a totally different role. And maybe if you’re high risk you accept a bit less choice?

I had a male midwife come to my home birth and it was such a terrible shock! He was a lovely man and if I'd met him before I think I might have felt differently, but I just didn't feel comfortable meeting a strange man for the first time in that situation.

Thankfully he totally understood and suggested the other midwife (they come out in pairs for home births) could take over as the lead midwife and he took a back seat as it were as the second midwife is really only there in case there are problems.

For me giving birth was a time when I felt a lot more comfortable in the company of women. I didn't want to think about or consider the 'male gaze' in any way. I was a lot more comfortable labouring either by myself or with only women in the room (including no partner - I am a single parent).

I choose female professionals in every area of my life where possible. Particularly when my reproductive organs are involved.

I don't see how it's bigoted to request female care practitioners in a medical context. I don't think I'd have liked a male midwife, not that I thought much of the female ones I had to deal with

How does she feel about male doctors? Most midwives are female, but a reasonable proportion of obstetricians are male. There may not be a female obstetrician available if there is an emergency.

Your niece needs to tell her friend she is being judgmental and a bitch to say that to her. Personally I have no problem with male medical staff, I hired a private male obstetrician for my first pregnancy, that was my choice. Everyone has the right to choose when it comes to their own bodies. Your niece has done nothing wrong. Having a baby is very personal and stressful, part of a midwives role is to make their patient feel at ease, if having a female midwife makes your niece feel more comfortable then that’s her right to choose.

I think she is well within her rights but she does need to consider what happens if she needs intervention. I only had female midwives and assistants on post natal but during my first pregnancy, the anaethnetist was male as was the doctor who needed to perform an episiotomy, use instruments and then stitch me up. He was as hands on down there as the midwives (if not more so). I suspect they could not have accommodated a request for female only staff that evening.

It's absolutely fine to put it down as a preference. I'm a hcp (not midwife) and I don't mind if a women wants to wait and see me instead of a male colleague, and my colleagues don't mind either. They completely understand and don't take it at all personally.

No point worrying about what ifs at this point, if there is an emergency or lack of staff on the day I'm sure she will reassess.

For me an obstetric consultant is quite different as you are already in an emergency-type situation with a lot more medical monitoring.

The whole point of vaginal birth is that it is a totally natural function with, ideally, limited intervention. You need to feel comfortable. Ideally lights should be low, you should feel able to move around or make noises, you should feel supported and safe. For me this was not in keeping with suddenly having an unknown man put his hand in my vagina to check progress and I don't think it's remotely unreasonable to feel that way.

If we had continuity of care and could get to know the same midwife during pregnancy that would be with you during childbirth, it might be different.

I don’t think your niece is being unreasonable at all (let alone bigoted) in expressing a preference and establishing her own personal boundaries.

I had a male midwife for part of my labour and he was great. However, it is entirely understandable that a woman might not want a male midwife and that is her right. It doesn't make her a bigot or sexist or anything like that at all.

@Mommabear20

Ah I love how in this day and age, women should be allowed to do any job a man can do, but not the other way around! 😣🤷‍♀️

A male midwife is just as qualified as a female midwife!

Didn't have a male midwife, but did have a male doctor who had to check my stitches after delivery, guess what... ITS NO DIFFERENT THAN A FEMALE DOCTOR!

Men can also request a healthcare practitioner of the same biological sex as themselves, especially for intimate procedures; and no, its not as the person assumes they will be deviant. I don't believe anyone is saying that men cannot be midwives, but are stating facts that a woman can request to have a female midwife, I'm not sure why some people are finding that so hard to comprehend, or seemingly annoyed by it. Its also not the same as a doctor really is it.

I think its fine to request, but unless you are about to have a baby in the next 5 mins (and even sometimes if you are!) you are lucky to be able to get hold of a midwife in an NHS hospital, so worrying about male/female is a bit of a waste of effort.

Also, as has been said many times, nearly all the doctors and anaesthetists are men, so if there is any sort of complication you are going to have a team of men rush in. I would focus more on why she feels uncomfortable receiving medical intervention from men and seeing if there is anything she can do to become more confident with that before giving birth.

When I gave birth 15+ years ago there were no male midwifes in the hospital I went too, I’m not sure I would have been bothered, a man did my epidural, a male doctor assisted at times and a male plastic surgeon repaired me. At one point there were several male students in the room. So the sex of the midwife was kind of irrelevant?

I totally agree that it can feel quite intimidating when a male midwife suddenly shows up and I think it’s very normal to be uncomfortable. I think it would be much less of an issue if you’d met before and had some trust and rapport.

Yes she's a bigot for only wanting a female midwife. It's no different to her only wanting a white doctor or only wanting a male plumber.

You can't pick and choose equality.

Its absolutely fine and normal to request female only intimate care. I do this.

I didn't care , I just wanted my babies delivered safely.

She can request that she wants female only midwives but if things aren't straight forward I don't think she'd care whether the medical staff were male or female. Chances are the doctor (if things aren't straight forward) will probably be a man. When my son got stuck a few months ago I had a male doctor who tried to get him out before they went to forceps, I'm sure you can imagine how he tried to help, I really didn't care and just wanted the baby out safe with least damage to me! It didn't work so I ended up with forceps in theatre where he delivered my baby with a mostly male team. Male anesthetist, male theatre technicians and male recovery nurse there was a lot of other people (not quite sure their role) but only the 2 midwives and pediatrician were female. I could not have cared less nor noticed and I'm pretty sure if I'd have said "no men" I'd have been told well there's no one else on duty. By all means request a female midwife but it might be worth explaining that if things turn into an emergency whether the people who are helping you are male or female becomes insignificant.

It's perfectly reasonable, no different to only wanting a female nurse doing your smear.
When I did my birthing plan with my twins I did end up letting a male student give me an internal however I did ask him to cut his fingernails beforehand 😂 because they were quite long & really making me queasy.