Male midwives - aibu

[Ikeasucks]

My 27 yr old niece is pregnant and we were discussing the coming birth - she said she would like to put female only midwife on her birthing plan but is worried how the staff, her friends etc will react as one “friend” told her she was being sexist and bigoted for taking that view. Aibu in thinking it’s perfectly fine and understandable for women to want another woman at such a time - it it’s possible

A male midwife would not bother me. It’s a trained medical professional doing their job. I can understand that some women, for a variety of reasons, would prefer a woman. However if you wouldn’t insist on a woman for any other OB/GYN style check or procedure, I don’t know why you’d insist on one as a midwife.

I didn't think about it ahead of time and was a little surprised that one of the midwives was male.

But when push came to shove (er, literally) he was there sitting next to me and I was very happy to grab his hand and be helped by him! Gender preferences just didn't really matter at that point

I had one experience with a male midwife; back when they were a very new thing and he was just being trained in a very oldfashioned Maternity hospital in Glasgow, where oldfashioned Matrons ruled with a rod of iron. She came round and asked if I would allow this trainee MW to examine me, which I was perfectly happy to do . Matron lifts my gown to display my belly to display my magnificent linea nigra and asks the MMM
"What do we call this? "
He gasps " Some kind of hideous birthmark! "
Next she invites him to palpate the patient, without speaking to me he plonks his hands on my belly and announces
"She's not letting me examine her, she's as stiff as a board resisting me"
Matron and I say in unison "It's a CONTRACTION".

She took him away after that.

I think its fine. I always request a female nurse for smear tests and any form of breast examination etc. Have never been made to feel awkward.

@HarrietsChariot

Yes she's a bigot for only wanting a female midwife. It's no different to her only wanting a white doctor or only wanting a male plumber.

You can't pick and choose equality.

No it's really different. Luckily the male midwife I work with doesn't think anyone who declines his care is a bigot. He doesn't take it personally.

There are exemptions from the equality act for personal care (for sex) and I'd certainly say midwifery is personal care. Thankfully women do have a say in who gets to put their fingers in their vagina!

What do you think about women who may have been raped, etc - should they be forced to have examinations done by a man?

@noprofessional

Absolutely her choice. I would have refused a male midwife although the issue never came up for me. Honestly, I'd question a man's motivation for becoming a midwife. I find it odd.

Mine were birthed abroad by an Ob. First was male and fantastic, second was a female and she was bloody awful.
If she is more comfortable with a female, then she should put it on her plan.

@katedan

What would she do if there was complications and the only doctor available was male? Would she refuse treatment or is she OK with male doctors? I think this is discriminatory and sexist, male midwives are as professional and trained as their female counter parts. We need to get away from gender definitions for jobs.

That's as maybe... But no woman should be made to have a male in her space. Plenty of women have been attacked and a male in a personal space can be trauma triggering

I had a male midwife at one of my children's birth - he was absolutely excellent.

I had a female midwife on a different one, and she was not great - put me right off in fact.

The sex of the midwife really shouldn't effect how good they are.

I would always rather have women doing any sort of intimate medical procedure/examination, but I wouldn't have bothered putting down female only midwives/doctors simply because birth is unpredictable, and hospitals are unpredictable. If something goes sideways and the birth suite is rammed, you get whoever is available and most capable in that moment.

I think it's an odd thing for a man to choose. If I'd a choice I'd have chosen only women who had given birth themselves. It's harder to refuse a male consultant because of staffing levels. Women need to feel comfortable to progress properly. If a bloke is going to make that harder then he shouldn't be there. You don't need a reason. Although it's blindingly obvious why quite w few women wouldn't want a random man near her when she's at her most vulnerable.

Men usually choose which GP they want to see for intimate examinations (or request male or female). So do women.

I had female midwives and male doctors looking at my fanny

A male stitched me up and asked my DH "does that look okay" and my DH was like how the fuck should I know? (the male was a different nationality so maybe a husband's opinion matters!)

The point is that there may well be men present whether she likes it or not and that was often the way even before transgender became as common as it is now.

Make sure she also puts down that she doesnt want any students to observe or practice!
I never cared but with my 2nd, I was induced and the midwife came in to check how far along I was. She stood at the curtain and said "would it be ok if a couple of students came in and watched?" I said yes, and in came 6 student; 4 women and 2 men, and then the midwife all squeezed in my curtained cubicle. They all had a good look while she checked and I felt a little bit like an exhibit.

So I had 2 female student midwives but it was a male doctor who had his hand up there doing things that were very painful so I guess the question becomes how far does this preference go?

Is it her 1st baby?

With my first, I might have said I preferred a female, however, I ended up having an emergency c section and there were quite a few men in the theatre.

For my 2nd, I didn't care, just wanted capable professionals. There was a male Dr involved in the end stages of the birth, it didn't bother me in the slightest

You have to look wider at society and how men treat women and the dynamic there to realise it really is NOT the same as ‘sexism’

Look at what percentage of women have been raped or sexually assaulted by a male. Nearly every single one of us will have been harassed by or made to feel uncomfortable by men’s inappropriate behaviour

Until we live in a society where that isn’t happening there is no way you can even question why a lot of women are not comfortable with a man in intimate vulnerable situations

@HarrietsChariot

Yes she's a bigot for only wanting a female midwife. It's no different to her only wanting a white doctor or only wanting a male plumber.

You can't pick and choose equality.

It's totally different. I don't know about you, but no plumber I've ever hired had to stick his fingers up my vagina.

@AnneLovesGilbert

I had one when I first went in after I called and said my waters had broken. He told me they hadn’t and I’d wet myself. I’ve never wet myself and I was 100% sure my waters had broken as I’d heard a loud pop and got a huge whoosh of fluid down my legs. He didn’t explain why he was sure I was lying but he did ask my husband who was next to me what he thought

I’m sure there are bad fender midwives too but this particular man stank of misogyny and “what you do you know stupid woman, let’s see what another man thinks” and I still despise him.

My waters had broken, obviously. Twat.

Why on earth might you think your waters had broken at 9 months pregnant ? How silly of you, you silly little woman

I'd want the best midwife, nurse, Dr, consultant to delivery my baby and wouldn't think twice about their gender, too busy pushing, but totally understand why someone might not want a male midwife and that should be respected

Just to be super clear on this point.

A man can be just as good a doctor or midwife as a woman. That ISNT the issue.

The issue is, as a woman, I don't want an intimate physical procedure conducted on me by a man.

I don't see how it is any different to choosing to go to a male or female GP.
I couldn't go to a male dentist. No chance whatsoever. I am currently getting over a long-term dental phobia - there is no way in hell I could have done this if the dentist I am now going to had been male. It's just the way it is and it's because of experiences in the past.

I think it's reasonable to want a female midwife.
This does not mean that I, or your niece, think that male midwives couldn't do a good job.
I wouldn't be bothered by a male midwife myself or a male doctor, but the male dentist is a no-go!

In relation to the comments about male doctors being ok - most women don't get to choose a female obstetrician because most hospitals don't have a choice to offer. My SIL is a midwife, they are all female yet the consultants are all male I believe. I imagine most women, if asked if they would prefer a female obstetrician would say yes. But they aren't being given a choice because there isn't one.

It’s not an unreasonable request. I used to feel the same way but a few emergencies during pregnancy knocked it out of me as a saw a male obgyn (I’m from the Uk but live in Italy). It’s not at all an unusual thing to request though if a male makes her uncomfortable.

I had a male midwife after delivery and he was so kind to me. Gentle with the baby and very respectful. I’d happily have had him deliver the baby than some of the stern female midwives I’d experienced.

Beforehand I’d have been exactly like your niece as well.