Male midwives - aibu

[Ikeasucks]

My 27 yr old niece is pregnant and we were discussing the coming birth - she said she would like to put female only midwife on her birthing plan but is worried how the staff, her friends etc will react as one “friend” told her she was being sexist and bigoted for taking that view. Aibu in thinking it’s perfectly fine and understandable for women to want another woman at such a time - it it’s possible

I had 10 people in the room with me giving birth ranging feom students to doctors.. Trust
Me when it comes to pushing that baby out she wont care whose delivering the baby as long as its all over.

That's not true for everyone though. I had a similar experience and I definitely DID care. The same when people say "oh if you poo yourself in labour you won't even notice/care" I bloody well did notice! No-ones experience is universal so women should do whatever they need to do to make themselves comfortable in what can be a very vulnerable situation.

@Squashpocket

Stats would suggest that lesbian and bisexual women are not the ones doing the raping/child abuse image sharing/strangulation fetishising, so no I don't worry about that. And to suggest otherwise seems wilfully obtuse.

And also homophobic to say that.

@Recessed

Odd profession for a man to want to enter and they have no business being there in my opinion!

Why do you think that?

@Recessed

Odd profession for a man to want to enter and they have no business being there in my opinion!

Why?

Maybe they had a mum/aunt/sister need help and they decided to go into the profession to "pay it back" as it were.

What about females who specialise in male oriented things? Should they not be there either?

@Recessed

Odd profession for a man to want to enter and they have no business being there in my opinion!

Why?

To me, there was a world of difference between who was there as the attending midwife, while I was fairly compos mentis, talking to her, acutely aware of the sensations and indignities of being examined, of feeling that I needed to poo etc, and who would have been there in an emergency situation, when I would have been fairly out of it and desperate.

@Squashpocket

Stats would suggest that lesbian and bisexual women are not the ones doing the raping/child abuse image sharing/strangulation fetishising, so no I don't worry about that. And to suggest otherwise seems wilfully obtuse.

The majority of men are not out there raping and abusing children either…. The implication is that men who become midwives would have some sexually motivated reason, which is why I asked the question.

I was trained by a male midwife. He was the most woman centred midwife I ever worked with. And he didn’t project his own feelings and experiences onto the women he looked after, unlike many of the females I worked with. He was kind, respectful, and used humour a lot, which could often break the tension. It was also great to not have a solely female workplace, as this could be quite toxic, so a bit more balance was welcome.

If a woman prefers not to have a male, then of course that’s her call. If it’s due to past experience of being abused by a male, then that is understandable of course, but no reason needs to be given. To imply that males who choose to be midwives must have an ulterior motive is vastly unfair and inaccurate.

Make midwife here….
It’s not sexist or bigoted to refuse the care we give. I’ve done this job for almost 20 years, and it has never upset me or made me feel affronted if a woman says she would prefer a female. It would upset me an awful lot more if a woman was uneasy with me looking after her, but felt she couldn’t refuse and it blighted her birth experience. Your niece may only have one baby in her life, and if I don’t fit in with her plans for her baby’s birth, I don’t have any right to be there. In fact nobody has a ‘right’ to look after any woman- we are only there because she allows us to be. I think some of my colleagues forget that. So, no YANBU

A friend of mine is a male midwife. Trust me when I say if have chosen him anytime over very one or two female midwives I've met.

However, he would never ever want to provide care to a woman who felt uncomfortable with him there. He's quite open about this and very supportive of women's choices.

That said...the women he has met tend to really like him .

" To imply that males who choose to be midwives must have an ulterior motive is vastly unfair and inaccurate."

But I don't think anyone has actually done that, have they?
My male MW had come from a psychiatric nursing background - he was worn out by that and wanted a more positive career - no issue.

What can't be denied is that there will be a MINORITY of men (and yes, it will be men) who may choose that career path because of their predatory instincts. Same as there will be a minority of male obgyns who do the same. That is NOT the same as saying "All men who go into female-centred medicine must be perverts" - not even close.

’I’ve done this job for almost 20 years, and it has never upset me or made me feel affronted if a woman says she would prefer a female. It would upset me an awful lot more if a woman was uneasy with me looking after her, but felt she couldn’t refuse’

In 20 years of work that’s going to have happened several times.

@HostessTrolley Would you be suspicious about the motivation of a lesbian or bisexual midwife?

FFS why do people do this? Stop fucking comparing lesbians to men.

Carboncheque,
I hate to say it, but it probably has. I always take care to discuss it, in the way I discuss any issue of consent, but I’m not naive enough to think this empowers every woman to refuse my care.

I stated female only HCPs on my birth plan unless an emergency arose and it was unavoidable.

Would you be suspicious about the motivation of a lesbian or bisexual midwife?

Wow…

I would not have wanted an male midwife for intimate care.

For regular appointments I would have no problem. I also had no problem with male medics at my c sections.

But I required a lot of post-op intimate care and I would have found a male doing this to be completely unacceptable.

I had a male student midwife (with a fully qualified one as well) and he looked horrified, I was his first actual birth and all I remember saying to him is be glad your a man lol.
I think she might think differently in the moment but of course she is perfectly not being unreasonable to ask for a female midwife.

Perfectly reasonable. Lots of people in the room when I eventually managed to birth my son (maybe 7?? Who knows!) All female. I had IVF though and there was no shortage of males poking around there during that. Didn't bother me. In fact, I was positively grateful!

I know this is an old thread but isn’t this the point: the fact that there are already so many men in women’s health? I’ve had male gynaecologists, obstetricians etc. So, opening out the question to everyone interested, is it really unreasonable of sexist of me to actually prefer a female midwife to provide some balance among all the men who were already in the room for my complicated delivery?

Ooh this is an old thread I can’t even remember commenting on it originally 😂

But yes I completely agree with you, even if you know male HCPs are going to be involved then it’s STILL completely understandable to want your midwife to be female, and perhaps even part of the reason for wanting a female caring for you.

On a side note, women are beginning to massively outnumber men in all aspects of maternity care- only a small minority of newly qualified obstetricians are male. I’ve seen more and more women sharing their birth stories and commenting that every single healthcare worker in the theatre for their c-section or forceps delivery was female. So I can see this being the ‘norm’ in subsequent years thankfully.