Male midwives - aibu

[Ikeasucks]

My 27 yr old niece is pregnant and we were discussing the coming birth - she said she would like to put female only midwife on her birthing plan but is worried how the staff, her friends etc will react as one “friend” told her she was being sexist and bigoted for taking that view. Aibu in thinking it’s perfectly fine and understandable for women to want another woman at such a time - it it’s possible

My mum asked for a female non student midwife with me her first as she was so nervous. She got a male student and out of the 4 pregnancies/ birth she always said he was the best

So you're not considering then that his very presence in that job role, even if he understands when a woman asks for a female instead, has potentially caused discomfort and distress?

When you are feeling anxious and frightened or potentially traumatised, it can be so difficult to vocalise this, to state your boundaries, to request a different HCP. I've been in that position myself.

Midwifery was always the domain of women. Men could choose any career in medicine they wanted- until very recently women were not afforded the same choices. So yeah, I do agree with the PP who said 'they can't just leave one thing for women'. The men who choose to go into midwifery are putting their own wants ahead of women. It means less women are able to get onto midwifery courses, and more women having to accept care from a man when it makes them uncomfortable, or at the very least forces them to have a difficult conversation about wanting a female HCP instead.

Indeed. This entire thread exists because a woman felt she had to ask if her niece was being unreasonable to request a female midwife.

The niece and the OP actually felt that perhaps they needed to put the feelings of notional male midwives before their own legitimate healthcare preferences.

The one thing that was left to women up until very recently was being a doula. Not just any woman, either - only women who had themselves experienced giving birth.
That's changing now too. Men invading that space. How?

’I've never met a male midwife who puts his passion above the woman's feelings.’

I really doubt that any male midwife has gone through their working life without making some patients feel uncomfortable simply by being male. There will be women they treated who weren’t comfortable with having a male midwife but equally were uncomfortable about speaking up and asking for a woman.

@Carboncheque

’I've never met a male midwife who puts his passion above the woman's feelings.’

I really doubt that any male midwife has gone through their working life without making some patients feel uncomfortable simply by being male. There will be women they treated who weren’t comfortable with having a male midwife but equally were uncomfortable about speaking up and asking for a woman.

Exactly this. As women we are mostly brought up and socially conditioned to not say no, to think that men know what they are doing and to think we css as my complain. Not all women and not all men of course.

@StrawberryLipstickStateOfMind

So you're not considering then that his very presence in that job role, even if he understands when a woman asks for a female instead, has potentially caused discomfort and distress?

When you are feeling anxious and frightened or potentially traumatised, it can be so difficult to vocalise this, to state your boundaries, to request a different HCP. I've been in that position myself.

Midwifery was always the domain of women. Men could choose any career in medicine they wanted- until very recently women were not afforded the same choices. So yeah, I do agree with the PP who said 'they can't just leave one thing for women'. The men who choose to go into midwifery are putting their own wants ahead of women. It means less women are able to get onto midwifery courses, and more women having to accept care from a man when it makes them uncomfortable, or at the very least forces them to have a difficult conversation about wanting a female HCP instead.

Or maybe it all evens out because women are encouraged to become doctors now and are not told ‘oh you are interested in medicine? You can be a nurse or a midwife’!

Or maybe it all evens out because women are encouraged to become doctors now and are not told ‘oh you are interested in medicine? You can be a nurse or a midwife’!

So basically, in order for women to have equality, as it were, to be able to have freedom to become a doctor, men should also now routinely choose to become nurses and midwives? At some stage then, women will always lose out.

Tbh I don't really understand your post. Women obviously should be able to choose any medical career and not be restricted by the choice of becoming a nurse or midwife. There are very good reasons in my opinion why midwives should only be women, and why we should incentivise female drs to work in gynaecology etc as well.

@katedan

What would she do if there was complications and the only doctor available was male? Would she refuse treatment or is she OK with male doctors? I think this is discriminatory and sexist, male midwives are as professional and trained as their female counter parts. We need to get away from gender definitions for jobs.

We need to get away from women not being able to decide who will be assisting them in their most vulnerable moments.

I find it really patronising that other women think they can tell women what they can say yes or no to. Thankfully we are not quite part of the Handmaids tale yet. I still have the freedom to say no to a male bodied gynaecologist just like my partner can say no to a adult female nurse when he goes for his prostate examination.

I've never met a male midwife who puts his passion above the woman's feelings

IMO male midwives are tone fucking deaf. They know full well a big part of the job is to support labouring and postpartum women but somehow think their presence is adding something. Similar problem in radiography with a group of men hell bent on joining the currently female only breast screening service, writing articles about how great blokes would be, having votes at conference etc. They KNOW that some women won’t use the screening service if men are handling their breasts, they KNOW what a ballache it will be having to provide chaperones in hospitals and mobile units but they push and push and it has fuck all putting women’s feelings first.

We got into trouble with both births and male doctors where down there for ages. I'm just glad they were there or the kids wouldn't be here. What is the difference with a male midwife. You are just so grateful that they know what they are doing whatever their sex/gender.

*Have to say I think you’re wrong. I’ve worked alongside two male midwives in the past. One of them I don’t know why he wanted to be a midwife (didn’t know him that well) but the other was extremely passionate about midwifery. I’d say 99% of the women loved him. But he’d always be the first to say to women if you don’t want me, that’s fine, we can find someone else.

Over the many years I worked with him lots of women have spoken to me about him. Many admitted to being surprised about a male midwife and I’d often hear something along the lines of “if you’d asked me beforehand I’d have said I didn’t want a man but the minute I met him I knew he’d be great”. He genuinely had a way with women that I wish I could emulate.

Women would come back for their 2nd baby and ask for him. He retired recently and the posts on the local town’s Facebook group ran into hundreds and hundreds from women telling stories about how good he was.

So no, in my experience it’s not about male privilege. Midwifery is a hard career, I can’t imagine doing it if you’re not genuinely passionate about it*

I think this whole post is male privilege in action to a degree. Wonder if a female midwife would have gotten the same treatment

Why aren't my posts bolding using bold 😒

I had male obstetric consultants present at the birth of my children. They were involved in examinations, they stitched me up, two saved my life. They were actually nicer and had a better bedside manner than the female midwives that were there. Some of them were nasty, truth be told. One told me to "shut up asking" when I was pleading for pain relief and got a dressing down by the consultant. He called her attitude "barbaric and Victorian."

@FuckingFabulous

I had male obstetric consultants present at the birth of my children. They were involved in examinations, they stitched me up, two saved my life. They were actually nicer and had a better bedside manner than the female midwives that were there. Some of them were nasty, truth be told. One told me to "shut up asking" when I was pleading for pain relief and got a dressing down by the consultant. He called her attitude "barbaric and Victorian."

Bloody good on him!

People should absolutely have the choice to have a female midwife.

I've chosen to see two male gynaecologists on a few occasions as the examinations were the least painful I've had and they were really kind and caring men that I felt a good rapport with. Strangely I find it less embarrassing with a man than a woman although not really sure why. Equally it's understandable that others feel more comfortable with a female doctor for these type of medical issues.

From a quick google:

'According to the Nursing and Midwifery Council, out of 43,168 registered midwives in the UK at the end of March 2017, some 188 were men. But that is still a minuscule 0.4% of the total.'

That was 2017 but I can't imagine the numbers have changed drastically in the last 4 years.

So it's quite unlikely that OPs niece will run in to one.

Not great though that at least 2 of these very small number of men have been found guilty of sex offences is it really. I would be very suspicious of any mans motivation to enter women's medicine and all of the female gynaecology HCPs I've worked with (obstetricians and nurses mostly) have felt the same.

No thank you.

@Squashpocket

From a quick google:

'According to the Nursing and Midwifery Council, out of 43,168 registered midwives in the UK at the end of March 2017, some 188 were men. But that is still a minuscule 0.4% of the total.'

That was 2017 but I can't imagine the numbers have changed drastically in the last 4 years.

So it's quite unlikely that OPs niece will run in to one.

Not great though that at least 2 of these very small number of men have been found guilty of sex offences is it really. I would be very suspicious of any mans motivation to enter women's medicine and all of the female gynaecology HCPs I've worked with (obstetricians and nurses mostly) have felt the same.

No thank you.

Would you be suspicious about the motivation of a lesbian or bisexual midwife?

When I had second dd I ended up labouring very quickly and had to get paramedics to come and one was male. Didn't bother me one bit as I needed help and so did baby.

He was buzzing though the whole way to the hospital as it was his first birth lol.

Would you be suspicious about the motivation of a lesbian or bisexual midwife?

Hardly the same thing is it. Women arent generally asking for female midwives and gynaecologists because theyre worried they might fancy them.

YANBU- completely reasonable, understandable and she’s within her rights to request it. Totally normal to want only female care for her labour.

Stats would suggest that lesbian and bisexual women are not the ones doing the raping/child abuse image sharing/strangulation fetishising, so no I don't worry about that. And to suggest otherwise seems wilfully obtuse.

I had 10 people in the room with me giving birth ranging feom students to doctors.. Trust
Me when it comes to pushing that baby out she wont care whose delivering the baby as long as its all over.

Odd profession for a man to want to enter and they have no business being there in my opinion!