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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Male midwives - aibu

445 replies

Ikeasucks · 15/09/2021 11:54

My 27 yr old niece is pregnant and we were discussing the coming birth - she said she would like to put female only midwife on her birthing plan but is worried how the staff, her friends etc will react as one “friend” told her she was being sexist and bigoted for taking that view. Aibu in thinking it’s perfectly fine and understandable for women to want another woman at such a time - it it’s possible

OP posts:
Paddingtonsmarmlade · 15/09/2021 12:33

I'd prefer a female midwife and was going to have it put into my notes but I was told there were no male midwives so it wasn't needed.

For those saying that would you except a male doctor, its not the same. I had a several male doctors that treated me for excessive bleeding during a miscarriage in between my 2 successful pre

wanttomarryamillionaire · 15/09/2021 12:33

She can put it on there but it won't guarantee she gets a female midwife, will she also want a female obstetrician if she needs intervention? I agree it's bigoted and sexist.

RoyalCorgi · 15/09/2021 12:34

I feel very sorry for the women who had this person attend them at their birth.

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-9989159/amp/Male-midwife-39-caught-stash-400-indecent-images-children.html

8dpwoah · 15/09/2021 12:34

Each to their own but this has got me thinking when I encountered men during my first induction.

Consultant in the meeting- male- not good. But neither was his female midwife sidekick.

Didn't see a man again til the anaesthetist for my epidural. Fine. Then no more til I had two registrars trying to cannulate me- fine (wasn't for them 😂 they had a right old time!). Then the actual birth and aftermath was all female.
Male doctor did my newborn check and had male SHO out to me in the middle of the night when one of those cannulas went wrong.

It didn't bother me at any stage and I wonder if requesting female only might have meant things too longer to get sorted while waiting for a female but equally the men weren't involved in anything particularly intimate so I'd have struggled to find a reason to object anyway, it seems the vast majority of the staff were female.

This time I've seen a male sonographer a couple of times who is good but I find him a bit cold. And my consultant is male, I wouldn't have an issue if he was involved in the birth at all but I think that's as much because I've met him a few times now and I like the way he works.

yellowgingham · 15/09/2021 12:35

I felt similar but also found it awkward saying it. At the time, I lived in a very diverse area where a lot of women only wanted female staff for religious reasons. That helped as I felt my request didn't stand out too much.

I felt the same about male consultants/registrars too.

PumpkinKlNG · 15/09/2021 12:35

And a female nursery worker had been abusing children but didn’t stop anyone from sending their children to nursery!

HarrietOh · 15/09/2021 12:35

Absolutely nothing wrong with asking for someone of the female sex (and ensure you state sex, as there's confusion with sex and gender terms these days).

Livia22 · 15/09/2021 12:35

[quote Merryoldgoat]@tempchecked

Midwife means ‘with woman’ so a midwife is the correct term for any gender in that profession.[/quote]
Interesting, I interpret the woman in “with woman” as the woman who is the midwife rather than the mother. As in the midwife is the “with woman.”

EmeraldShamrock · 15/09/2021 12:36

@RoyalCorgi 🤮 sicko they lurk in every profession.

Paddingtonsmarmlade · 15/09/2021 12:36

Whoops ^

Pregnancies. They were great and professional but I wouldn't want them their for all my labour. It isn't the same a medical procedure/intervention when needed is different that labour. Which is often hours where your personal comfort levels actually effect the result. Childbirth is as much about the mother coping/ managing labour as anything else.

RaspberryThief · 15/09/2021 12:36

I don't think it's entirely fair to compare midwives and doctors and say that any woman who is happy with male doctors but not male midwives must be sexist and hypocritical. They are completely different roles. When I was giving birth I had doctors (I think of both sexes - I can hardly remember) in a couple of times to give examinations, and like a previous PP practically a whole orchestra in the room at the very end preparing for medical emergency. But it was the midwife (or midwives, given that they changed shift a couple of times) who stayed with me for almost 21 hours of labour while I was stark naked, beyond exhausted, and feeling phenomenally vulnerable. Quick, necessary examinations by men were OK - but I would not personally have wanted a man doing the emotional-support role for 21 hours in that situation, no.

goldenlilliesdaffodillies · 15/09/2021 12:37

I had a male midwife for the birth of my first child who was premature. He was absolutely vile, totally unsympathetic and constantly made inappropriate comments. I felt extremely vulnerable. I was traumatised for many years and later discovered that he had been struck off. I have a big age gap between my children because of this.

romdowa · 15/09/2021 12:38

Not unreasonable at all and I've done the same. I was allocated a male consultant and I rang and changed to a female with no worries. I had a male midwife and Dr attend me but I asked for a female and again there was no issues. I think they understand that pregnancy is a vulnerable time and some women aren't comfortable with male hcp. Weirdly though my gp is a man but he has been my gp for over a decade so I'm very comfortable with him.

noprofessional · 15/09/2021 12:38

Absolutely her choice. I would have refused a male midwife although the issue never came up for me. Honestly, I'd question a man's motivation for becoming a midwife. I find it odd.

Sunndown · 15/09/2021 12:39

It will be ignored, like everything else on a birthplan. I remember handing my birthplan to the midwife when about to give birth, who simply laughed and tossed it aside.

Whatwouldscullydo · 15/09/2021 12:41

If course she's allowed to choose who to consent to touching her when she's having her baby.

I'm.sure she's well aware that if things happen.outsode her control and an enemergency developes then things might change ajd they will deal with that if it comes up.

The idea that she shouldn't have a say at all even when things go right just because they may go wrong is the kind of bullshit attitude that leads to women being infantalised or not listened to in heakthcare.

idontlikealdi · 15/09/2021 12:41

I had a lot of complications and treatment at a FMC, all the consultants were male. The midwives were all female. The disparity was very evident.

When it comes down to it I'd take whoever was available and able to healthily deliver my children but yes, she should be able to have a preference.

Palavah · 15/09/2021 12:42

@noprofessional

Absolutely her choice. I would have refused a male midwife although the issue never came up for me. Honestly, I'd question a man's motivation for becoming a midwife. I find it odd.
Would you consider a man's motivation to be an Ob-Gyn?
IncessantNameChanger · 15/09/2021 12:43

If it's your first child or you strongly dont want a Male midwife then it's fine to say so.

I must admit that I wouldnt feel comfortable with it either. But as I have given birth four times now I'm more open minded and I'm happy to have students delivering my babies. Students seem to be very understanding and empathetic which is quite calming. Males I dont know as they have only been giving epidurals or paediatric doctors when things are going wrong.

Mumto3thatsme · 15/09/2021 12:44

@Theworldishard

A male midwife has been found guilty of child indecent images in the news. Worrying. Do what makes you feel safe OP
Wow, way to discriminate! I’m sure there are many examples of female abusers working with people at their most vulnerable.

Of course the ops niece must ask for what she feels most comfortable with but bloody hell, a male midwife does not automatically make him a paedo 🤦‍♀️

GinIronic · 15/09/2021 12:45

Female HCP for me. I would not feel safe with any male HCP. Male MW are unchaperoned and for this reason alone would be enough for me to refuse to be treated by them.

Twizbe · 15/09/2021 12:45

@Sunndown

It will be ignored, like everything else on a birthplan. I remember handing my birthplan to the midwife when about to give birth, who simply laughed and tossed it aside.
My birth plan was listened to, but then it just said that my husband had to be the one to tell me the sex. That was pretty easy to control as someone would have to tell me the sex at some point no matter what happened.

Anything else is down to luck and chance

LadyRoughDiamond · 15/09/2021 12:45

You are allowed a preference, but do bear in mind that the situation on the day may mean that this isn’t possible. Do a bit of research on how well staffed your local dept is, just to prepare yourself in case.

noprofessional · 15/09/2021 12:46

@Palavah yes, I feel uncomfortable about men wanting to work exclusively with females. I opted for a female consultant with all of my children.

lottiegarbanzo · 15/09/2021 12:47

It's a personal preference. It's not a 'view'. She's not saying men should never become midwives. She's saying she doesn't want one.

She is fully entitled to her preference, should state it clearly on her birth plan and mention it to her ante-natal midwife. It might not be possible for her preference to be met but chances are it will be.