Male midwives - aibu

[Ikeasucks]

My 27 yr old niece is pregnant and we were discussing the coming birth - she said she would like to put female only midwife on her birthing plan but is worried how the staff, her friends etc will react as one “friend” told her she was being sexist and bigoted for taking that view. Aibu in thinking it’s perfectly fine and understandable for women to want another woman at such a time - it it’s possible

@Beamur

I doubt it is a joke. But it's a stunning example of lack of empathy..

I highly doubt any female wrote this tbh

I think OP that YANBU. I wouldn't have wanted a male midwife, whether that's sexist or not.

Most private breast surgery consultants are male. Doesn’t mean it’s safe. Plenty of examples where the abused women, acted like god and basically had no respect for the women they were seeing.

If my partner had to have surgery on his penis there is no way he would feel comfortable with a woman. Yet he probably doesn’t even have to think about it as the chances of having a female surgeon are remote. This is because of tradition, patriarchy and social engineering. I read that Boris Johnson’s mum was the first married women to graduate from Oxford University. This wasn’t 100s of years ago but 55 years at the most. Women have come so far but there is still a traditional glass ceiling in medicine. But it will change. More women are studying medicine then men. It will have to adapt and be more flexible and it will as the old boys die,

Why are women always expected o cast their own feelings, needs and wants aside to make the men folk feel better?

Carboncheque
’Female only here for everything possible. Doctors. Dentists. In fact anyone who is in my personal space.’

Same.

What's with all the posts detailing the many awful female midwives they've had in comparison to the one saintly gentle kind male midwife they had. It's completely and utterly irrelevant.
If I request a female midwife, it is about my feelings my safety my dignity. The males intentions or demeanour or professionalism isn't the issue, and yes their are rude/kind people of each sex. However, I, and many other women feel more safe and relaxed around other females and would find it upsetting/traumatising to have a male midwife sprung on them suddenly.

Women should be warned in advance if there's a chance of a male midwife, it absolutely shouldn't be sprung on them when they're at their most vulnerable. The onus should be on HCP to find out whether a woman would feel safe prior to the event not^^ on a woman who may or may not feel comfortable objecting when she is at her most vulnerable and likely terrified. And male midwives should fully expect that as part of their jobs.

I also can't believe the amount of posters who can't see the difference between a midwife and an emergency/any other type of care. My experience with a midwife is unlike any other experience with a HCP. It's completely unique.
Yes some women would want female HCPs in as many circumstances as possible but there is no hypocrisy in a woman who would choose a female midwife but have no issue with other HCP being male.

I take on board the comments but that's how I feel personally.

I would always want the most competent, kindest person, male or female, regardless of the procedure.

One point I would make is that a Dr, be it male gynaecologist or female GP has never hurt me taking a smear test. So many practice nurses have, and have made inappropriate comments, that I now pay in order to exercise choice over who does it.

If people only want a woman, ask for it. It is very important that all women start to assert their expectations around ante natal, labour and post natal care. No woman should feel they must be grateful for sub-optimal care and every time poor care or care that makes a patient feel uncomfortable is delivered, then women must complain. Only then will things improve.

If people only want a woman, ask for it. It is very important that all women start to assert their expectations around ante natal, labour and post natal care.

Then don't make contradictory comments about how it's unfathomable why someone would want to advocate such a thing. Worry about doing it and coming up against that opinion is what makes self advocating difficult.

@RosesAndHellebores

What I have difficulty with here, is the fact that whilst a man was given full access to put the baby in there, a suitably qualified, professional man can't be given access to help said baby out.

I find it far more peculiar to have a woman rooting around down there than a man to be perfectly honest.

You seem to be confusing sexual partners with HCPs, Roses.

HCPs are not in any way (or should not) in a sexual relationship with patients.

And also 'full access' ... Like a woman's the Channel Tunnel granting site access to roadworkers or something.

Such an odd framing.

@RosesAndHellebores

I take on board the comments but that's how I feel personally.

I would always want the most competent, kindest person, male or female, regardless of the procedure.

One point I would make is that a Dr, be it male gynaecologist or female GP has never hurt me taking a smear test. So many practice nurses have, and have made inappropriate comments, that I now pay in order to exercise choice over who does it.

If people only want a woman, ask for it. It is very important that all women start to assert their expectations around ante natal, labour and post natal care. No woman should feel they must be grateful for sub-optimal care and every time poor care or care that makes a patient feel uncomfortable is delivered, then women must complain. Only then will things improve.

Right so what about women who are fearful of male HCPs due to actual experience of being raped/abused by them? Do you think their feelings don't matter and should just accept whoever is the most competent or kind? A competent and kind male may make a woman feel incredibly uncomfortable and anxious (which we know can cause psychical and psychological issues). That is just as important.

@AnneLovesGilbert

I had one when I first went in after I called and said my waters had broken. He told me they hadn’t and I’d wet myself. I’ve never wet myself and I was 100% sure my waters had broken as I’d heard a loud pop and got a huge whoosh of fluid down my legs. He didn’t explain why he was sure I was lying but he did ask my husband who was next to me what he thought

I’m sure there are bad fender midwives too but this particular man stank of misogyny and “what you do you know stupid woman, let’s see what another man thinks” and I still despise him.

My waters had broken, obviously. Twat.

I'd guess that mid-wifery is the sort of job where you can't have too much knowledge and experience of being a woman.

@Biancadelrioisback - hence my final para. Do please read it.

After the experience I had following DS's traumatic birth and subsequent resuscitation in the corridor, when a male consultant entered my room while I was drugged up and traumatised because I hadn't been allowed to see my new baby before he was whisked away and I wasn't even sure if was even alive, and rammed his whole fist into my vagina to remove retained blood clots, without looking at me, making eye contact or speaking to me, I will never be happy with a male medical professional ever again.
I will always request female only for anything that involves getting in my personal space.

I did this I only wanted women in the room with me apart from dp.
It turned out I needed an epidural and the only person available was a man but hey ho

[quote RosesAndHellebores]@Biancadelrioisback - hence my final para. Do please read it.[/quote]
I did. The majority of you post and your previous one are talking purely about how you don't mind blah blah blah. I mean, great, good for you.

@RosesAndHellebores I think you ought to read back your first post actually, particularly this part:
*
I find it far more peculiar to have a woman rooting around down there than a man to be perfectly honest.*

Now why on earth would it be peculiar to have a female HCP providing intimate healthcare? What on earth could possibly be strange with it?

Absolutely bizarre comment.

The whole post was bizarre but really, that bit. Weird.

Fine to ask, will obviously depend on who's available when she goes in though.

I had a male midwife (27 years ago yesterday actually!) - was very professional but had hands like spades and actually hurt me when he examined me to check dilation (unintentionally obviously!)

I actually need to have an intimate examination tomorrow and when I made the appointment today I asked if the doctor would be female. The receptionist said that it was a male doctor for that appointment but if I'm prepared to wait tomorrow, I will be able to see a female.

It is so important to me. If I can't see a female then it's a barrier to receiving treatment.

@Ikeasucks

My 27 yr old niece is pregnant and we were discussing the coming birth - she said she would like to put female only midwife on her birthing plan but is worried how the staff, her friends etc will react as one “friend” told her she was being sexist and bigoted for taking that view. Aibu in thinking it’s perfectly fine and understandable for women to want another woman at such a time - it it’s possible

Don't tell her friends her preferences if she knows they're the type to kick off.

People need to learn to keep some things private.

There's only about 6 male midwives in the UK, it's nothing to worry about.

People need to learn to keep some things private.

And some people need to learn to be respectful of others who feel differently to them and not label them as 'bigots' for it.

Also need to stop being handmaidens and worrying about what is 'sexist' towards men, and maybe question all of the sexism and misogyny that women still face every day. Their concern would be better placed there.

Let's hope she doesn't suddenly end up in a precipitate labour situation where she is delivering fast at home and male Paramedics show up to assist her delivery!

@Whenigrowupiwanttobea

Let's hope she doesn't suddenly end up in a precipitate labour situation where she is delivering fast at home and male Paramedics show up to assist her delivery!

Well yeah, let's actually hope so because that would be horrible for her.

Why do posts like this always sound so full of glee at the thought of someone having to deal with something that could be incredibly traumatic to them?

@Whenigrowupiwanttobea

Let's hope she doesn't suddenly end up in a precipitate labour situation where she is delivering fast at home and male Paramedics show up to assist her delivery!

But that’s an emergency situation and entirely different to what the OP is asking.

I wanted a water birth, with whale music, bubbles and candles. Instead I got an emergency c section. That’s life! But I was still allowed to plan.