AIBU to not understand the 'situation'

[Thecatsbutler]

We were invited to step sons birthday celebrations. Very low key, just me, his dad and our kids invited.
Since they have a baby and a toddler I offered to have a thing at ours. No it was fine they would make food. Asked if we could bring anything, no, everything was covered.
Called on the day to double check we didn't need to bring anything. He mentioned how tired mum was so we offered to come another day. No, everything was still on.
We picked up a variety of little cakes anyway. When we arrived stepson and kids were off buying the food, while mum had a nap. She was exhausted. When they returned mum went straight back to bed. Stepson was left to cook the food while looking after baby and toddler. Mum didn't surface the whole time we were there. Obviously we all chipped in, our kids played with the little ones while we made dinner. We did have a nice time.
Stepson is WFH, mum is on maternity leave. Apparently when ss finishes at 4, she goes straight to bed, whether baby has been up during previous night or not. She 'naps' for a few hours.
I understand having 2 small ones, it is exhausting, it comes with the job surely.
I dont understand why they didn't reschedule the birthday thing. You dont invite people over then go to bed. I thought DIL was being really rude and a bit precious if I'm honest. That's just how the situation is according to ss.
AIBU to think they should have
just rescheduled the whole thing.

Yes they should have rescheduled as she obviously wasn’t feeling up to it.
It sounds like your DIL should maybe see a GP as it seems like an unusual level of tiredness.
Interesting though that your first thought is that she’s rude and lazy, not that there might be an underlying cause for the exhaustion that she needs support with.
I had extremely low iron after having my children and that caused me to feel severe exhaustion.

Screams PND to me. If encourage your SS to persuade her to see her GP, although of course she may have done already.

You don't sound at all concerned for a woman who is clearly unwell.

Could she be anaemic/ low in b12?

You dont invite people over then go to bed. I thought DIL was being really rude and a bit precious if I'm honest

You had a nice time. It was SS's birthday and there is clearly something up and she's either struggling or has health difficulties, or she's plain tired. They decided to carry on so she probably thinks oh Thecatsbutler is nice and will understand. Clearly not.

I would be worried that DIL is not well. Judging her as rude and lazy isn't helpful.

I’d be more worried that she simply isn’t coping, and that your stepson is desperately trying to keep things normal (hence inviting guests over).

‘Rudeness’ would be the last thing on my mind here. It seems odd that you would focus on this. Where do the little cakes come into it? Was this just to show us what polite guests you are? If so, I’d focus less on that and more on the clearly struggling new mother.

Error yeh o think YABU.
She's knackered but didn't want to let the birthday boy down. I imagine she agreed with your son beforehand that he would do the cooking.
It's hardly a big deal and you seem offended your husband had to look after his children on his own (but not really cause you were there).

How about help them out Instead of writing a thread on Mumsnet dissing your DIL.

I think your DIL needs support, not criticism for not being a good enough hostess.

I agree this screams PND and she needs support not criticism.

You sound like one of those MILs who keep appearing as stories on this forum

*Not your husband, your son obviously!

I'd be more concerned about how she is rather than the hosting

Yabu. She's probably tired every day so rescheduling wouldn't help. Cut her some slack she's a baby and a toddler to deal with

I’d take it as a compliment that she felt comfortable enough to do that when you visited. Like family. She probably reasoned that you were primarily coming to see step son and possibly step grandchildren so it worked well with her catching up with sleep.

A baby and a toddler is an exhausting combination, I’d be pleased my son or step son had turned out a decent father and partner.

She 'naps' for a few hours.

You can just sense the hatred oozing from you writing a sentence like this.

I'm confused. It was step sons birthday. Yet your DIL went to bed? Surely your step sons mum isn't your daughter in law?

Either way the mum sounds unwell. Either mentally or physically. She needs to see her GP.

@CiaoForNiao

I'm confused. It was step sons birthday. Yet your DIL went to bed? Surely your step sons mum isn't your daughter in law?

Either way the mum sounds unwell. Either mentally or physically. She needs to see her GP.

DIL is step son’s wife, not mum.

• and I found working in a leadership management role much easier than being at home with one much loved baby!

@CiaoForNiao

I'm confused. It was step sons birthday. Yet your DIL went to bed? Surely your step sons mum isn't your daughter in law?

Either way the mum sounds unwell. Either mentally or physically. She needs to see her GP.

I think "mum" is the step son's wife?

Your stepson sounds lovely, putting aside his birthday and fully committing to supporting his partner like that. Perhaps your husband could speak with him and see if there's any support you could both offer as his partner is clearly struggling with fatigue, I wouldn't immediately assume laziness on your DIL part as you aren't there 24/7.

Step son is an adult, with two young children.

Your post is so judgy a s full of sweeping generalisations.

You have no idea what the dynamics are in coping with the baby and toddler. Presumably she gets up early with them (I bet the baby doesn't sleep through consistently), then has them both while SS works. So fair play if she needs a nap and SS is happy to look after them after work. Sounds like they share the load well.

To call her precious is so very rude. How about asking what more you can do to help rather than assuming she's rude and (implied) lazy.

Why did you put the word situation in quote marks? There is no situation to understand- DIL is exhausted and SS is helping out. This is common in many households where there are a couple of young children. How old is the baby and was it a difficult pregnancy? I’d be more concerned that she was struggling to cope than judging them for not wanting to make life easier for themselves and cancel the plans.

I would be concerned about her health and asking if she's ok rather than judging her as rude if I were in your position. You said yourself that she was exhausted, did you really want her to stay up if she was that tired or would you have been here anyway saying DIL didn't lift a finger and was visibly tired and you thought it was rude?

I understand why they didn't want to reschedule, if she's suffering from extreme fatigue all of the time when would they reschedule to?

Of course! That makes perfect sense. I was imagining a teenage stepson with younger siblings. Sorry.