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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not understand the 'situation'

161 replies

Thecatsbutler · 15/09/2021 09:38

We were invited to step sons birthday celebrations. Very low key, just me, his dad and our kids invited.
Since they have a baby and a toddler I offered to have a thing at ours. No it was fine they would make food. Asked if we could bring anything, no, everything was covered.
Called on the day to double check we didn't need to bring anything. He mentioned how tired mum was so we offered to come another day. No, everything was still on.
We picked up a variety of little cakes anyway. When we arrived stepson and kids were off buying the food, while mum had a nap. She was exhausted. When they returned mum went straight back to bed. Stepson was left to cook the food while looking after baby and toddler. Mum didn't surface the whole time we were there. Obviously we all chipped in, our kids played with the little ones while we made dinner. We did have a nice time.
Stepson is WFH, mum is on maternity leave. Apparently when ss finishes at 4, she goes straight to bed, whether baby has been up during previous night or not. She 'naps' for a few hours.
I understand having 2 small ones, it is exhausting, it comes with the job surely.
I dont understand why they didn't reschedule the birthday thing. You dont invite people over then go to bed. I thought DIL was being really rude and a bit precious if I'm honest. That's just how the situation is according to ss.
AIBU to think they should have
just rescheduled the whole thing.

OP posts:

Macncheeseballs · 15/09/2021 11:29

Op, I'm with you, unless she has an undiagnosed issue, it's a bit rude and weird to disappear in the middle of the day if you have guests and small kids

Drinkingallthewine · 15/09/2021 11:30

My SIL did this. Two reasons, she was avoiding some cunty in-laws being judgy fuckers about her parenting, and secondly, her PND was so bad she could barely function.

Why didn't we know about her PND? See reason #1 - she felt it would be just another reason to judge her. And she was probably right. Back then there were a few in the family who were happy to bash her for the smallest things.

Thankfully her husband made it clear that he wouldn't tolerate any remarks whatsoever. And when it did come out that she was really ill, the rest of the family rallied around her as best we could. The cunty ones got kept at arms length from the children. It took a long time for them to get their head around the fact that if you hate someone's guts, they aren't going to let you play happy families with their babies...

namechange30455 · 15/09/2021 11:32

@Macncheeseballs

Op, I'm with you, unless she has an undiagnosed issue, it's a bit rude and weird to disappear in the middle of the day if you have guests and small kids

Who says it's undiagnosed? Maybe she just doesn't want to share it with her SMIL...

CandyLeBonBon · 15/09/2021 11:34

Do you actually like your DIL op? Do you get on or is it generally a bit strained?

Original poster

Thecatsbutler · 15/09/2021 11:34

I only have stepsons version of the "situation " his words, not mine.
We did ask a few times if it was ok to still come over even he after he said his wife, the mother if his children, my step daughter in law was exhausted. I have no idea if she asked him to postpone, cancel or not. She went to bed immediately after we arrived. So yes she could have been furious at him for having us over, but he went ahead anyway.
Obviously I have no idea what their childcare arrangements are or what their marriage is like at all.
So yes I was being very judgemental in assuming it was step daughter in law that was being unreasonable.
If dh had invited his family over 6months after I had had baby no 2 and was exhausted, I would have been furious as well.
Thank you mumsneters for helping me see that I was being very unreasonable💐

OP posts:

diddl · 15/09/2021 11:35

"it's a bit rude and weird to disappear in the middle of the day if you have guests and small kids"

Why?

They weren't her guests & surely the only time you can nap is when the kids are asleep or others are looking after them?

Wole · 15/09/2021 11:35

I assumed that since she is in the healthcare sector she would know herself if she was unwell, again my judgement. maybe she does, maybe she doesn't. It's shit all to do with you.

TheGrumpyGoat · 15/09/2021 11:38

Just wondering in what context your step son called it a ‘situation’ OP? Was he complaining about it?

CandyLeBonBon · 15/09/2021 11:38

@Thecatsbutler

I only have stepsons version of the "situation " his words, not mine. We did ask a few times if it was ok to still come over even he after he said his wife, the mother if his children, my step daughter in law was exhausted. I have no idea if she asked him to postpone, cancel or not. She went to bed immediately after we arrived. So yes she could have been furious at him for having us over, but he went ahead anyway. Obviously I have no idea what their childcare arrangements are or what their marriage is like at all. So yes I was being very judgemental in assuming it was step daughter in law that was being unreasonable. If dh had invited his family over 6months after I had had baby no 2 and was exhausted, I would have been furious as well. Thank you mumsneters for helping me see that I was being very unreasonable💐

Definitely sounds like there's probably more afoot op.

stripedbananas · 15/09/2021 11:40

This was me for my DD first birthday. I invited my closest 2 friends round with their DC. I was so exhausted and worn out I just said hi and went straight to bed. They were great and just scooped up all their kids including my DS, leaving me and DD at home to rest. I knew they were a bit miffed not to spend time with me but they understood and I felt so happy that they did. I knew they wouldn't judge me and they came round regardless just to see me and make sure I was ok and to see what they could do in the situation as they wanted to hang out with each other to whilst making it a nice day for their own DC.

No idea where or what DP was doing. But he was part of my tired bubble and very lovely but like your DSS it just sort of becomes normal that I was always tired.

I was beyond exhausted and couldn't function

Confusedandshaken · 15/09/2021 11:40

OMG. That poor woman. She must be knackered to do this and now she is being judged by a close family member.

stripedbananas · 15/09/2021 11:42

But the sad thing OP is that you naturally felt all these negative feelings towards her and the situation and that your instinct wasn't to help. That's just sad.

DumplingsAndStew · 15/09/2021 11:45

Okay, so you don't like her, and don't approve of her leaving your SS to do the cooking.

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 15/09/2021 11:46

I was told I had been incredibly rude for going for a short nap when we had a visitor.
To put it in context I was very pregnant, still working and had a toddler. I was also dealing with two undiagnosed autoimmune conditions and a further undiagnosed pregnancy related illness that became an emergency a few weeks later. And they were a difficult guest who had invited themself, expected to be waited on and arrived early in the morning.

Wole · 15/09/2021 11:52

@stripedbananas

But the sad thing OP is that you naturally felt all these negative feelings towards her and the situation and that your instinct wasn't to help. That's just sad.

I agree. I'm glad you've reassessed your feelings but I do wonder why your mind thought the worst first.

Original poster

Thecatsbutler · 15/09/2021 11:54

@stripedbananas

But the sad thing OP is that you naturally felt all these negative feelings towards her and the situation and that your instinct wasn't to help. That's just sad.

No actually I didn't. When stepson said that stepdaughter in law was exhausted I offered to host the whole thing, I offered to bring the food, I suggested we not come at all. Stepson insisted we still come. Help is constantly offered and refused. When dh and I invite people for dinner it is a joint decision, so I assumed she was aware that all these offers had been made and refused.

OP posts:

Constellationstation · 15/09/2021 11:56

@Thecatsbutler

I only have stepsons version of the "situation " his words, not mine. We did ask a few times if it was ok to still come over even he after he said his wife, the mother if his children, my step daughter in law was exhausted. I have no idea if she asked him to postpone, cancel or not. She went to bed immediately after we arrived. So yes she could have been furious at him for having us over, but he went ahead anyway. Obviously I have no idea what their childcare arrangements are or what their marriage is like at all. So yes I was being very judgemental in assuming it was step daughter in law that was being unreasonable. If dh had invited his family over 6months after I had had baby no 2 and was exhausted, I would have been furious as well. Thank you mumsneters for helping me see that I was being very unreasonable💐

Why do you keep reiterating that you checked if it was ok to go? It was ok! You spent time with your stepson and his children/your grandchildren, on your stepson’s birthday. No-one has said your DIL was furious or even unhappy with the situation.

Is it really that difficult for your stepson to make some food and look after his children while his parents are there?!

sunnygemini · 15/09/2021 11:56

Maybe she was just mentally and physically exhausted and thought everyone was happy and entertained (her DH was ok with kids and cooking and could spend time with you) and thought she could get a nap in to enable her to keep going. Ive been there, just so tired from the constant demand from young kids, it doesn't necessarily mean PND but a possibility.

She might not actually have a problem with you either, maybe she gave you some credit by thinking you would understand she was knackered from the kids and that you'd be happy seeing your SS on his birthday!

PileOfBooks · 15/09/2021 12:01

It sounds like you've made it into a "thing". Why did you keep offering to "host". He wanted his dad and family at his house on his birthday. He got his dad and family at his house on his birthday. You all played together. All good? Why on earth did you make it into a thing. Poor stepson - sounds like you're turning his birthday into a "thing" :( . Couldn't you have gone, just joined in and enjoyed your partner spending time wtih his son, played with the kids, and come home?!

viques · 15/09/2021 12:01

“Stepson was left to cook the food while looking after the children”

Well done him, if more men stepped up to parenting and domestic load sharing there wouldn’t be so many women shouldering 80% of the responsibility. Thank goodness he recognises that his partner is exhausted and is being supportive and practical.

PileOfBooks · 15/09/2021 12:01

Constellation - exactly!
A dad cooking and playing with his kids isn't a big thing is it? Especially with family over!

Faevern · 15/09/2021 12:14

@Macncheeseballs

Op, I'm with you, unless she has an undiagnosed issue, it's a bit rude and weird to disappear in the middle of the day if you have guests and small kids

Not if you didn’t invite the guests and not if your DH ignored your wishes, whether ill, tired, diagnosed or not.

SS did what many mothers do, made a meal, entertained guests while looking after kids. It was his choice, he had been offered options which he refused.

BoredZelda · 15/09/2021 12:14

it's a bit rude and weird to disappear in the middle of the day if you have guests and small kids

Guests, sure. Family? Not at all. There was also another adult to look after the small kids, or are you suggesting it is only mums job?

murmuration · 15/09/2021 12:22

It does seem to me that the "host" is stepson, not DIL. And it could also be that they wanted it at their place because she could then pop out briefly to say hi and if she had felt better could have participated more. If it was at yours she would have to decide whether or not to come and most likely stay away and not see you at all.

Balonzette · 15/09/2021 12:26

I thought this thread was going to be about this guy 😂

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