AIBU to not understand the 'situation'

[Thecatsbutler]

We were invited to step sons birthday celebrations. Very low key, just me, his dad and our kids invited.
Since they have a baby and a toddler I offered to have a thing at ours. No it was fine they would make food. Asked if we could bring anything, no, everything was covered.
Called on the day to double check we didn't need to bring anything. He mentioned how tired mum was so we offered to come another day. No, everything was still on.
We picked up a variety of little cakes anyway. When we arrived stepson and kids were off buying the food, while mum had a nap. She was exhausted. When they returned mum went straight back to bed. Stepson was left to cook the food while looking after baby and toddler. Mum didn't surface the whole time we were there. Obviously we all chipped in, our kids played with the little ones while we made dinner. We did have a nice time.
Stepson is WFH, mum is on maternity leave. Apparently when ss finishes at 4, she goes straight to bed, whether baby has been up during previous night or not. She 'naps' for a few hours.
I understand having 2 small ones, it is exhausting, it comes with the job surely.
I dont understand why they didn't reschedule the birthday thing. You dont invite people over then go to bed. I thought DIL was being really rude and a bit precious if I'm honest. That's just how the situation is according to ss.
AIBU to think they should have
just rescheduled the whole thing.

Gosh have a bit of compassion. It sounds like post natal depression to me. She obviously didn’t want how she was feeling to ruin your step sons birthday.

@murmutation exactly

I think OP has got the message she is U 😄

Your DIL may not be ill but just tired, perhaps you could message her saying you remember how exhausting it is with young children and you would be happy to watch the kids if she needs a nap or just a break.

You don’t know if stepson is passing on the offers of help as he feels they are coping ok but she might appreciate some support even if it is just to know you are there.

No actually I didn't. When stepson said that stepdaughter in law was exhausted I offered to host the whole thing, I offered to bring the food, I suggested we not come at all. Stepson insisted we still come.

And yet, despite knowing she was exhausted, you've been critical and judgemental of her when she went for a nap?

She was exhausted, she knew that everyone was content and had what they needed, so she opted to try and relieve the way she was feeling.

You knew she was exhausted, you say you understand then you're pissed off that she wasn't out playing Obedient Mrs Congenial Host.

I once tried to cancel meeting a friend for coffee as I needed to rest. She turned up at the bloody door instead insisting she couldn't have me sitting at home on my own and had brought cakes and was going to put the kettle on 🙄

Isn't it amazing how many ways you can turn a post👈👉☝️👇🤪🥴

@Balonzette

I thought this thread was going to be about this guy 😂

So did I. 🤪

Alternatively known as the occasional table.

OP, I think that most posters on this thread are sensing that you don't like DIL.

So it's probably safe to assume that DIL senses you don't like her.

Most people don't like asking for help, support, advice etc from people that don't like them. They keep their difficulties private.

You may have very good reason for disliking her. But I don't think you have good reason to judge and criticise her for this particular situation. Give her a break.

And your SS is probably tired of being caught between you two, being quizzed and questioned by you while trying to to his best for his DW who seems likely to be struggling. Give him a break.

@TheGrumpyGoat

Yes they should have rescheduled as she obviously wasn’t feeling up to it. It sounds like your DIL should maybe see a GP as it seems like an unusual level of tiredness. Interesting though that your first thought is that she’s rude and lazy, not that there might be an underlying cause for the exhaustion that she needs support with. I had extremely low iron after having my children and that caused me to feel severe exhaustion.

I agree.

She was very brave even thinking of a birthday celebration when she is so low. I've no doubt she thought she would be able to cope and then the 'terrible tiredness' overcame her. It's amazing that she is working, frankly.

Never mind, it was your stepson's birthday and I expect he was delighted to see you.

I hope daughter in law is better before too long.

@Balonzette

I thought this thread was going to be about this guy 😂

I even wish it had been about this guy now

I think if the OP came to visit me, I'd go and hide in the bedroom too.

"Super defensive"

"Trying to maintain my boundaries and sanity against a judgemental and critical MIL"

Fixed it for you OP

I think you are being really and truly awful. You acknowledge she is pregnant with two other young children. Maybe it was himself that wanted you to come over to see the kids? Is the poor woman not entitled to her naps(assuming her husband is ok and I assume can manage to care for his children for a few hours) honestly if you were my mother in law, and I don’t know if you are this inconsiderate all the time, I wouldn’t want you over! You should care more about whether the poor girl is ok, not expecting her to play the hostess if she is unwell. You would have been better off buying some kindness instead of cakes!

@JasonMomoasgirlfriend

She 'naps' for a few hours.

You can just sense the hatred oozing from you writing a sentence like this.

Yes!

The poor woman sounds ill. Why not ask if there's anything you can do to help.

@Thecatsbutler

Mum = grown up step sons wife, my step daughter in law. Yes I do realise I was judging the situation. The "situation" was stepsons term, not mine. The offer of help has never been accepted with either child. Dh and I discussed PND but stepson said they were more that capable of coping. The toddler is at nursery during the day and she says the baby is a dream. She would never admit to not coping well even if she wasn't. I understand the consensus is I'm a judgemental step mother in law. I wonder if my stepson had 'gone for a nap' after inviting his wifes family for a get together and left her to do everything, how quickly he would have been shot down though.

Omg you are just so awful.

She could be depressed, she is probably up throughout the night with the baby.

I will bow out now as I sense the I don't have any new or constructive to say so I'll just insult brigade have joined in.
👏👏👏

Your son has explained the situation and wants you to accept it. He isn’t asking for understanding, just acceptance. He is also not asking for any help, again just acceptance.

There’s nothing sinister here. He is coping with whatever the health issue is for now. At some point he may need help. But making a dinner for a few people isn’t necessarily onerous.

Having made all the offers to help, you need to listen to the refusals and stand back.

@Thecatsbutler

I will bow out now as I sense the I don't have any new or constructive to say so I'll just insult brigade have joined in. 👏👏👏

It appears to have been here from the start.

It's a bit sad stepson wife didn't want to take part in the birthday celebration

Oh can dish it out but can't take it!

@Thecatsbutler

I will bow out now as I sense the I don't have any new or constructive to say so I'll just insult brigade have joined in. 👏👏👏

Oh, the irony.

On first reading I thought you meant a teenage stepson hosting a party and caring for tiny siblings while his own mum went for a nap , which did seem strange as the children’s father wasn’t mentioned.

I see now that ‘mum’ is your stepson’s wife, so your stepson is a fully grown adult capable of reproducing. Many people the world over have to cook and look after children at the same time- it’s not easy with very young children, but it’s certainly not unique to your stepson.

It could be that your DIL is unwell. It could be that she is exhausted, or they’ve found a routine which enables her to catch some sleep after night wakings. Perhaps she’s done what’s often advised on MN- you were his guests therefore his responsibility to look after.

Even if your stepson is unhappy with how things are working out at home, it’d be more helpful for you to be supportive, not judgemental.

If my dh invited people over for his birthday I wouldn't go to bed

Well OP you sound like the sort of judgemental b*h that women hope & pray they don't get as a MiL...

Hardstaring - that's a massive over reaction, dies the op really deserve that kind of abuse?