AIBU to not understand the 'situation'

[Thecatsbutler]

We were invited to step sons birthday celebrations. Very low key, just me, his dad and our kids invited.
Since they have a baby and a toddler I offered to have a thing at ours. No it was fine they would make food. Asked if we could bring anything, no, everything was covered.
Called on the day to double check we didn't need to bring anything. He mentioned how tired mum was so we offered to come another day. No, everything was still on.
We picked up a variety of little cakes anyway. When we arrived stepson and kids were off buying the food, while mum had a nap. She was exhausted. When they returned mum went straight back to bed. Stepson was left to cook the food while looking after baby and toddler. Mum didn't surface the whole time we were there. Obviously we all chipped in, our kids played with the little ones while we made dinner. We did have a nice time.
Stepson is WFH, mum is on maternity leave. Apparently when ss finishes at 4, she goes straight to bed, whether baby has been up during previous night or not. She 'naps' for a few hours.
I understand having 2 small ones, it is exhausting, it comes with the job surely.
I dont understand why they didn't reschedule the birthday thing. You dont invite people over then go to bed. I thought DIL was being really rude and a bit precious if I'm honest. That's just how the situation is according to ss.
AIBU to think they should have
just rescheduled the whole thing.

*does

Perhaps she didn’t want to play happy families with her ex and his wife.

Eh? It's her husband's father and stepmother isn't it? Where does an ex come into it?

Perhaps she was just bloody knackered and as it seemed like quite an informal thing and not about her, thought she wouldn't be missed?

@Bluesheep8

Perhaps she didn’t want to play happy families with her ex and his wife.

Eh? It's her husband's father and stepmother isn't it? Where does an ex come into it?

People are getting confused because of 'SS' and 'mum'. When I read the post initially I thought it was OP's husbands child and his ex so can see why others are getting confused too.

@Thecatsbutler

I only have stepsons version of the "situation " his words, not mine. We did ask a few times if it was ok to still come over even he after he said his wife, the mother if his children, my step daughter in law was exhausted. I have no idea if she asked him to postpone, cancel or not. She went to bed immediately after we arrived. So yes she could have been furious at him for having us over, but he went ahead anyway. Obviously I have no idea what their childcare arrangements are or what their marriage is like at all. So yes I was being very judgemental in assuming it was step daughter in law that was being unreasonable. If dh had invited his family over 6months after I had had baby no 2 and was exhausted, I would have been furious as well. Thank you mumsneters for helping me see that I was being very unreasonable💐

I don't think you were being that unreasonable, I think it is bloody weird behaviour to invite people round and then go to bed, whatever the circumstances. Very easy to cancel if you are unwell.

I love how mumsnet behaves, the first answer to a post is the tone that everyone then adopts! Had the first poster said she was unreasonable, I can guarantee every other sheeple would have said she was unreasonable! You honestly can't win on this site.

She was rude, she should have cancelled, even at late notice.

Oh and when I had DD, I always had a nap at 4 when DH finished work! It was nice for them to spend time together and I was still getting up overnight with her even though she was a good sleeper, so an hour or an hour and a half in the afternoon was lovely I wasn't ill or had PND, I just wanted a nap!

I probably wouldn't have done it if we were having people over but if we'd had a rotten night and I was feeling shit and it was family who I knew (or hoped) would understand, maybe I would have. Who knows.

And the absolute IRONY of people calling you judgemental without fulling understanding the sitution, but then doing EXACTLY the same and reading things in your post that just aren't there

Well her actions were certainly, on the face of it rude, and would certainly have made the whole thing awkward, but yes, there's obviously something going on.
If this were me at a similar age/stage of life, I can well imagine a scenario where husband invites you without really checking, wife is cross (might not like you very much, or not want you there for all sorts of reasons we can only guess at, may or may not be justified) wife signals disapproval by 'going to bed' when you arrive.
She might be depressed/exhausted just fed up, just not feeling it atm, anything really.
In your shoes, I might tread carefully around this one though, and consider how unlikely it is that this is how she wanted things to play out and how we could all avoid it next time.

@Thecatsbutler

I will bow out now as I sense the I don't have any new or constructive to say so I'll just insult brigade have joined in. 👏👏👏

Quite...

Everyone is on a right roll now as it seems to be the accepted response on this thread so they all think they can a) get away with it or b) will get some sort of kudos adding to kicking you.

People are weird.

She’s utterly exhausted, not rude. It’s SS birthday, you’re his family, so she thought you’d have a nice time without her and wouldn’t mind. I think she needs support. Why not offer to take the toddler, or both children, once a week?

You sound thoughtful, OP. You’ve obviously taken some of the comments on board. Hope your DIL is feeling better soon.