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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not understand the 'situation'

161 replies

Thecatsbutler · 15/09/2021 09:38

We were invited to step sons birthday celebrations. Very low key, just me, his dad and our kids invited.
Since they have a baby and a toddler I offered to have a thing at ours. No it was fine they would make food. Asked if we could bring anything, no, everything was covered.
Called on the day to double check we didn't need to bring anything. He mentioned how tired mum was so we offered to come another day. No, everything was still on.
We picked up a variety of little cakes anyway. When we arrived stepson and kids were off buying the food, while mum had a nap. She was exhausted. When they returned mum went straight back to bed. Stepson was left to cook the food while looking after baby and toddler. Mum didn't surface the whole time we were there. Obviously we all chipped in, our kids played with the little ones while we made dinner. We did have a nice time.
Stepson is WFH, mum is on maternity leave. Apparently when ss finishes at 4, she goes straight to bed, whether baby has been up during previous night or not. She 'naps' for a few hours.
I understand having 2 small ones, it is exhausting, it comes with the job surely.
I dont understand why they didn't reschedule the birthday thing. You dont invite people over then go to bed. I thought DIL was being really rude and a bit precious if I'm honest. That's just how the situation is according to ss.
AIBU to think they should have
just rescheduled the whole thing.

OP posts:
museumum · 15/09/2021 10:01

Seems like she’s not well in some way. But your ss seems to be coping fine and happy to see his dad so why not have you over?
I don’t understand why you are so judgy and put out that your DIL wasn’t around to “host”.

greenlynx · 15/09/2021 10:02

I think she might be unwell but reluctant to share her health issues with you because of fear being judged. She probably thought she would be able to pull it through but ended up not coping so went to bed. For all we know your SS probably sent her to bed to make sure that she’s ok by nighttime just in case.
I find very difficult to share health problems even with my immediate family, but with my DH’s family it’s absolutely impossible. And it’s not that they are bad or not supportive people actually quite the opposite, it tells more about my lack of confidence and insecurity.

NorthernBirdAtHeart · 15/09/2021 10:05

Perhaps she didn’t want to play happy families with her ex and his wife.
But it does sound like you should cut the woman some slack, a baby and toddler are exhausting. YABU.

beingsunny · 15/09/2021 10:07

I'd be worried she isn't coping or that there's a health issue.

This isn't a normal level of tired, we have all been there and would usually manage to push through for an occasion like a birthday.

Or are you saying that she's lazy?

Maybe on another day, check in and see if there is anything you can do to help?

namechange30455 · 15/09/2021 10:09

I think it's very telling that you (weirdly) call her "mum" in your post. She's a person in her own right you know not just bearer of grandkids and party host.

CatalinaCasesolver · 15/09/2021 10:10

Maybe she isn't well.

Maybe she doesn't like you.

Maybe she was just tired.

Either way you sound like you don't care much for her welfare.

namechange30455 · 15/09/2021 10:11

@NorthernBirdAtHeart

Perhaps she didn’t want to play happy families with her ex and his wife. But it does sound like you should cut the woman some slack, a baby and toddler are exhausting. YABU.
It's her PIL not ex I think - DSS is an adult with kids and a wife (her)!
DeathStare · 15/09/2021 10:13

@CiaoForNiao

Of course! That makes perfect sense. I was imagining a teenage stepson with younger siblings. Sorry. Blush
Me too. Referring to step-son and "mum" implied it was step son's mum
Neonplant · 15/09/2021 10:14

Sounds like pnd. You should be more empathetic.

Bimblybomeyelash · 15/09/2021 10:14

I think it's very telling that you (weirdly) call her "mum" in your post. She's a person in her own right you know not just bearer of grandkids and party host.

I agree. Calling her mum all the way through is odd. You seem to think that because she is ‘mum’ she should have been doing all the hosting and party organising. But it was your adult step sons birthday and he is presumably perfectly capable of looking after his own children and hosting you, while his exhausted wife has a rest.

DeletedByAccident · 15/09/2021 10:14

@Jingers5

Could she be anaemic/ low in b12?
This would be my thought.
saraclara · 15/09/2021 10:14

Someone who goes to bed when it's her partner's birthday party and she has guests, is clearly unwell in some way, whether physically or psychologically.

Maybe your partner could have a quiet chat with his son to see if there's a problem and if she and he need support or advice.

MrsTulipTattsyrup · 15/09/2021 10:14

She sounds depressed, and unable to cope with company. When I am in a low period I can sometimes think I’ll be okay in a certain situation but the reality is I am very much not. Interacting with people, however close, can be beyond me. Add in the fatigue of wrangling very small children, and the emotional toll that takes, and I’m not surprised she wasn’t able to function at this event. She wasn’t selfish enough to cancel you seeing your stepson, but wasn’t able to participate herself. It sounds as though she has PND, and your ss is doing all the things I’d expect a partner to do to support her. I’d be proud of them working as a team to get through it. Or do you have some weird idea that her job is to look after him as well as their children?

Glssr195726113493 · 15/09/2021 10:15

This thread is because you want us all to join you and bash your DIL. But I won’t do that.

She has a baby and a toddler, she’s exhausted and she’s sleeping unusual amounts. All these are big flappy flags to say there’s more going on with her that may need supporting, but instead of empathy and concern, you’ve called her rude and precious. Nice. Hmm

GemmaRuby · 15/09/2021 10:16

“Apparently when ss finishes at 4, she goes straight to bed, whether baby has been up during previous night or not. She 'naps' for a few hours.”

So this is when she gets her sleep every day in order to survive because presumably she can’t get enough overnight because of the baby… but you expect her to give up her presumably much sleep because you’re coming round to see her husband.

Maybe she went to have a nap because she can tell how much disdain you have for her?

GemmaRuby · 15/09/2021 10:16

In answer to you question yes YABU.

DressBitch · 15/09/2021 10:17

You could try being supportive instead of coming online to judge her.

MrsMaizel · 15/09/2021 10:17

You have no idea what has gone on - maybe she didn't want to have people over but SS insisted so she said OK , do it all yourself as I am knackered .

hellywelly3 · 15/09/2021 10:21

She sounds like she’s ill. I have periods of exhaustion and people as so quick to judge it as laziness. I have problems with my thyroid which can be very dangerous. Has anyone tried to get help for her or encouraged her to go to the GP.

WhyOhWhyOhWhyyyy · 15/09/2021 10:24

You sound very unsupportive and judgemental OP. How old is the baby?
Perhaps she wasn’t well enough to have people over but your stepson wanted to carry on. In which case, it’s fair enough that she took herself to bed and let him deal with hosting his family.

IceMonster · 15/09/2021 10:25

Wow. I’d have assumed that she is depressed (but work in mental health so tend to see things through that lens) and really appreciated the fact that she didn’t cancel you coming over (as I bet she wanted to!) and would have been immediately thinking about what I could do to support them as a family as they are struggling at the moment.

Along the lines of doing some batch cooking and dropping some over for their freezer - just with a “I know it’s tiring when you have young children so made some extra” or offering to babysit the toddler one afternoon, if the DC would like that.

She’s also been pregnant and looked after a child during lockdown, which has cut off support for a lot of new mums.

You sound really heartless 😢

WhyOhWhyOhWhyyyy · 15/09/2021 10:26

Or maybe she knows how much you clearly dislike her and was actually just avoiding you.

bloodywhitecat · 15/09/2021 10:26

I think the 'situation' was they knew you would find fault whether they cancelled or not so decided to go ahead and SS would cater for you while DSD caught up on sleep as she sounds like she is struggling for whatever reason.

appleturnovers · 15/09/2021 10:28

Stepson wanted to see his family, and wanted you round at his house. Maybe he enjoys hosting. Maybe he didn't want to put upon you. Maybe he thought it's easier keeping the baby and toddler in their own home.

Other people have pointed out that the DIL could be unwell, but tbh even if she wasn't, and she is just rude and lazy, I personally would forget about it and just enjoy the fact that you had a nice time with your stepson and the kids, and he enjoyed his birthday.

Original poster
Thecatsbutler · 15/09/2021 10:28

Mum = grown up step sons wife, my step daughter in law.
Yes I do realise I was judging the situation. The "situation" was stepsons term, not mine.
The offer of help has never been accepted with either child.
Dh and I discussed PND but stepson said they were more that capable of coping.
The toddler is at nursery during the day and she says the baby is a dream. She would never admit to not coping well even if she wasn't.
I understand the consensus is I'm a judgemental step mother in law.
I wonder if my stepson had 'gone for a nap' after inviting his wifes family for a get together and left her to do everything, how quickly he would have been shot down though.

OP posts:
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