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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not understand the 'situation'

161 replies

Thecatsbutler · 15/09/2021 09:38

We were invited to step sons birthday celebrations. Very low key, just me, his dad and our kids invited.
Since they have a baby and a toddler I offered to have a thing at ours. No it was fine they would make food. Asked if we could bring anything, no, everything was covered.
Called on the day to double check we didn't need to bring anything. He mentioned how tired mum was so we offered to come another day. No, everything was still on.
We picked up a variety of little cakes anyway. When we arrived stepson and kids were off buying the food, while mum had a nap. She was exhausted. When they returned mum went straight back to bed. Stepson was left to cook the food while looking after baby and toddler. Mum didn't surface the whole time we were there. Obviously we all chipped in, our kids played with the little ones while we made dinner. We did have a nice time.
Stepson is WFH, mum is on maternity leave. Apparently when ss finishes at 4, she goes straight to bed, whether baby has been up during previous night or not. She 'naps' for a few hours.
I understand having 2 small ones, it is exhausting, it comes with the job surely.
I dont understand why they didn't reschedule the birthday thing. You dont invite people over then go to bed. I thought DIL was being really rude and a bit precious if I'm honest. That's just how the situation is according to ss.
AIBU to think they should have
just rescheduled the whole thing.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 15/09/2021 10:54

Maybe she doesn't like me and was looking for an excuse
I'd have thought that too - but as your stepson said that she's been going to bed at 4 pm, the exhaustion theory is far more likely. Even if he was trying to be polite, he wouldn't need to make that detail up.

I assumed that since she is in the healthcare sector she would know herself if she was unwell
My MIL was a doctor but still couldn't diagnose all her own illnesses.

PileOfBooks · 15/09/2021 10:56

Wow this thread has been really helpful for me. My own parents have views like yours. I have depression and chronic fatigue and whatever I do or say I am "precious" or whatever. It has been so affirming for me to read how unreasonable you/ they are :D. And also an insight to read someone else like them!

You stepson obviously wanted to share his birthday with you at his house with his children - and yet you've made it into a "situation" :(

CheekyAFAIK · 15/09/2021 10:59

Mmn, yanbu in the sense that they should possibly have cancelled the party or had it at yours and I would feel awkward if someone hosting a party spent the whole time in bed.

YABU in the general judgmental tone. Whether or not she's up with the baby, having two little ones around is draining and you sometimes want to jump at the chance at not being in physical contact with them every hour of the day.

If I were you I'd be concerned at your offers of help being refused - maybe you all need to work on building a better relationship.

Glssr195726113493 · 15/09/2021 11:00

You somehow manage to sound worse with each post.

I wonder why women feel so ‘defensive’ and deny support when they need it, instead pretending they’re ok, when they’re so readily judged and found wanting by society, let alone supposedly caring family members. Jesus fucking Christ. Hmm

Sexnotgender · 15/09/2021 11:00

I assumed that since she is in the healthcare sector she would know herself if she was unwell, again my judgement.

God no, healthcare workers can be the worst! Try and keep going, thinking it’s a failing if they say they need help.

Mantlemoose · 15/09/2021 11:02

Skipped to read just OP posts. You're a wee treat aren't you! Stop being so bloody condescending. It's quite obvious you can't stand hee so why would they accept any help you're offering? Do them a favour and go NC.

diddl · 15/09/2021 11:03

Perhaps an odd situation, but his party & he sorted it out.

Maybe she had told him that she wouldn't get involved & kept to her word!

Noshowwithoutpunch · 15/09/2021 11:03

I think the big issue for you is that your stepson seems to be left with everything to do.
On his Birthday he still had to take the dc shopping, cook and look after the dc while she went to bed and you hint that this is the way it always is even after your dss finishes work he looks after the kids and she buggers off to bed ( he shouldn't really have told you this).
Do you think she is taking him for a mug?
I think you need to keep out of it.
You do not know what goes on when you're not there.

SleepingStandingUp · 15/09/2021 11:04

OK so use of SS and Mum is confusing.

The birthday boy is a grown adult with two kids? Mum is the babies Mum?

So you went to see your SS on his birthday, saw him and the grandkids, cooked and ate together, had a nice time. His partner felt poorly so didn't join in.

If that's right yabu and yabac

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/09/2021 11:04

In what context did he refer to a “situation”?

YANBU to think they should have rescheduled but it sounds like DSS knew she’d absent herself before he invited you so he was expecting what happened and doing it a different day probably wouldn’t have made a difference.

A man managing family guests while caring for his two children isn’t remotely noteworthy, she presumably looks after them by herself while he’s working during the week.

Member984815 · 15/09/2021 11:04

Yabu , she's clearly exhausted . Instead of judging maybe see if she's alright . She could be very unwell you don't know the ins and outs of their relationship or the way they parent .

Effitall · 15/09/2021 11:05

If they had cancelled I think you probably would have judged her for that too.

Not surprised she took herself off to bed, you don’t sound like someone particularly nice to be around.

PileOfBooks · 15/09/2021 11:05

Does OP think the "wife/woman" of the home should be doing all the cooking/ hosting etc maybe?!?

AGreenerShadeofKale · 15/09/2021 11:07

@Pileofbooks, I'm sorry for your situation.
It's impossible ime for (most) people to put themselves in someone else's shoes. It's not their fault but the judgement is based on the false premise (that they don't themselves recognise) that "I could choose to do that so if A doesn't it's because they are "precious", "lazy" "mentally ill", "not bothering to visit the GP" "don't respect me enough to make an effort" etc.

underneaththeash · 15/09/2021 11:09

I'm not sure that's weird, your stepson didn't need to look after the 2 small ones and cook, you and his dad were there.

DonatellaVersace · 15/09/2021 11:10

She would never admit to not coping well even if she wasn't

Yes but a lot of the time with PND you don’t realise you’re not coping until you’re too far gone. You’re just functioning on auto pilot- baby, nap, eat, repeat.

A lot of the time it takes the family to pick up that something just isn’t right, the last thing your DIL needs is you sitting there and judging her for being rude when she actually sounds like she could be unwell.

SleepingStandingUp · 15/09/2021 11:10

I understand having 2 small ones, it is exhausting, it comes with the job surely. so because being a new Mom is exhausting, her partner shouldn't be expected to look after his own kids to help her deal with her exhaustion? You'd prefer she worked herself into the ground and had a breakdown?

PileOfBooks · 15/09/2021 11:11

Thankyou. I definitely think my parents lack the ability to think positively of me all. . But this thread shows most people could put themselves in the shoes of the daughter in law! I have found it really helpful. So many people would be compassionate.

TheGrumpyGoat · 15/09/2021 11:11

I would never have admitted I wasn’t coping to my PIL’s either, but I wasn’t.

Kakser · 15/09/2021 11:15

Fair play for admitting you're being unreasonable OP. I have a baby and toddler and could do with a nap daily tbh (though I don't), even though I have what I consider an easy baby. Said easy baby is still up several times a night, every night, though and toddler is sometimes up too. My husband claims to have had a bad night's sleep some nights but I honestly think he has no clue about how many times both children are up and how long I'm up for each time. I wonder if this is the case with your step son. You often hear dads describing a baby's sleep as 'not too bad' or similar and mums strongly disagreeing!

Faevern · 15/09/2021 11:17

Are you always this judgmental?

Could the scenario be that she said she wasn’t up to it and your SS ignored her so she said fuck it, you can organise it and do it yourself and I’m going to bed. That’s what mumsnet would advise if a DH was inviting people round and ignoring his wife’s views. At any time did you ask your DIL was it ok or was it always your SS who insisted it was fine?

lockdownalli · 15/09/2021 11:18

OP was really confusing. I thought SS lived with his mum and two younger siblings.

Anyway, yes you clearly don't like her.

I can't see it is any of your business. I used to have a two hour nap every day when mine were little.

BoredZelda · 15/09/2021 11:22

I don’t really understand who is who, but at the heart of it is a woman struggling with two young children. Rather than help and be sympathetic, OP has decided the woman is a flake and was being rude.

Poor woman, no wonder she chose to avoid OP when feeling unwell.

steppemum · 15/09/2021 11:24

My SIL was like this after the birth of their second child.

She was ill, and was eventually diagnosed with ME.

We used to go round and have a nice time with DB and kids and she would be in bed, come down for half and hour to say hello and go back to bed.

I find it hard that your main concern is the social event, instead of worrying about your DIL who is obviously either physically ill, or not coping, eg PND.

steppemum · 15/09/2021 11:29

we were worried sick about her, and about DB who was working full time and trying to juggle everything else too.

Your SS and his wife need help and support. Not judgement