Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

AIBU to not understand the 'situation'

161 replies

Thecatsbutler · 15/09/2021 09:38

We were invited to step sons birthday celebrations. Very low key, just me, his dad and our kids invited.
Since they have a baby and a toddler I offered to have a thing at ours. No it was fine they would make food. Asked if we could bring anything, no, everything was covered.
Called on the day to double check we didn't need to bring anything. He mentioned how tired mum was so we offered to come another day. No, everything was still on.
We picked up a variety of little cakes anyway. When we arrived stepson and kids were off buying the food, while mum had a nap. She was exhausted. When they returned mum went straight back to bed. Stepson was left to cook the food while looking after baby and toddler. Mum didn't surface the whole time we were there. Obviously we all chipped in, our kids played with the little ones while we made dinner. We did have a nice time.
Stepson is WFH, mum is on maternity leave. Apparently when ss finishes at 4, she goes straight to bed, whether baby has been up during previous night or not. She 'naps' for a few hours.
I understand having 2 small ones, it is exhausting, it comes with the job surely.
I dont understand why they didn't reschedule the birthday thing. You dont invite people over then go to bed. I thought DIL was being really rude and a bit precious if I'm honest. That's just how the situation is according to ss.
AIBU to think they should have
just rescheduled the whole thing.

OP posts:

AGreenerShadeofKale · 15/09/2021 10:30

YABU
I can totally understand this situation as described. Tired young mum goes to bed. 🤷
If you can't have a wee birthday celebration with parents in all circumstances bar disaster what's the point of family?

It wasn,'t billed as tea at the Ritz was it?

anniegun · 15/09/2021 10:30

I suspect the DIL's version is somewhere else on Mumsnet

Sexnotgender · 15/09/2021 10:30

I agree with all the others. You sound incredibly judgmental.

I have a baby and toddler and I’m just about holding it together. If my MIL was being as judgmental as you I’d probably avoid her too.

AGreenerShadeofKale · 15/09/2021 10:31

But it's HIS birthday.

moynomore · 15/09/2021 10:32

I wonder if my stepson had 'gone for a nap' after inviting his wifes family for a get together and left her to do everything, how quickly he would have been shot down though.

If he'd recently birthed a baby, I suspect the reaction would have been the same.

Babyroobs · 15/09/2021 10:32

Absolutely agree with others saying PND. She may just feel she doesn't want to face people.

Ughmaybenot · 15/09/2021 10:33

@CallMeNutribullet

You don't sound at all concerned for a woman who is clearly unwell.

This. You’re coming across terribly OP.

Stepson was left to cook the food while looking after baby and toddler. crime of the century

Carrotca · 15/09/2021 10:34

Honestly, get fucked and stop judging. You have no clue how she is feeling, post natal depression, anxious about being around people (especially after this last year and a half) something medical. I have an under active thyroid and feel exhausted most of the time, wouldn't expect my mother in law to come on a forum and bitch about me.

girlmom21 · 15/09/2021 10:34

@Thecatsbutler

Mum = grown up step sons wife, my step daughter in law. Yes I do realise I was judging the situation. The "situation" was stepsons term, not mine. The offer of help has never been accepted with either child. Dh and I discussed PND but stepson said they were more that capable of coping. The toddler is at nursery during the day and she says the baby is a dream. She would never admit to not coping well even if she wasn't. I understand the consensus is I'm a judgemental step mother in law. I wonder if my stepson had 'gone for a nap' after inviting his wifes family for a get together and left her to do everything, how quickly he would have been shot down though.

She didn't invite you though, did she? You repeatedly checked with SS whether he wanted to reschedule etc. He didn't. That doesn't mean she was happy with the situation.

She's clearly struggling. You don't need to discuss her mental health with SS and make guesses at what's wrong, especially when you're doing it to judge her rather than help her.

She's probably exhausted and once she'd got her head down realised how much she needed the rest so took the opportunity while the kids were distracted and she knew she wasn't leaving SS to do everything.

Beautiful3 · 15/09/2021 10:35

Maybe she feels unwell or has post natal depression. You all had a nice time so sounds fine.

bloodywhitecat · 15/09/2021 10:35

"I wonder if my stepson had 'gone for a nap' after inviting his wifes family for a get together and left her to do everything, how quickly he would have been shot down though."

I don't know about your situation but when it happened recently with DH everyone was concerned because it wasn't like him, no-one judged him for napping in the day time.

GemmaRuby · 15/09/2021 10:36

If stepson had gone for a nap because he had been awake in the night and that’s the standing sleeping arrangements that he and his wife had, then that would be fine.

The point is you expected her to interrupt her daily sleep routine for your visit, and she didn’t. Just say that you’re pissed off about it, don’t pretend you “don’t understand”.

If 4pm is the only time you can catch up on sleep that doesn’t mean you have PND. In fact you’re probably much less likely to have PND if you can prioritise getting sleep (even at unorthodox hours) than struggling on without enough sleep at night.

Carrotca · 15/09/2021 10:39

And yes, agree with above poster. If your step son has been pregnant in a pandemic (which is stressful and hard) pushed a baby from his private parts or been cut open to get a baby out, then tried to recover whilst looking after two children he would of probably got more sympathy from you.

Oh poor step son, he doesn't have to cook AND look after his children he created does he?! Woman's job is it?

RightSaidPleb · 15/09/2021 10:40

I wonder if my stepson had 'gone for a nap' after inviting his wifes family for a get together and left her to do everything, how quickly he would have been shot down though.

But in this scenario the wife would have invited you. If your stepson had given birth recently, also looked after toddler around nursery and had the baby while his wife worked at home and took over for a couple of hours in the evening then the consensus would be he probably needed and deserved the rest

You really don't seem to like her very much!

AGreenerShadeofKale · 15/09/2021 10:44

Rereading the OP the younger couple sound quite well organised, sensible and non martyrish.

Samafe · 15/09/2021 10:45

This screams PND to me, keep an eye on her, she might need help.

Original poster

Thecatsbutler · 15/09/2021 10:47

Mumsnet has spoken, IABU. Thanks everyone😏. She will go mad if I suggest she speak to someone. She is super defensive with most things, this is pre-children too.
I will have a word with stepson again though, and I will continue to offer help with the kids, as I have always done. I assumed that since she is in the healthcare sector she would know herself if she was unwell, again my judgement.
I see now that I probably have been too judgemental regarding the birthday thing. Maybe she doesn't like me and was looking for an excuse 😁

OP posts:

Carrotca · 15/09/2021 10:48

I thought DIL was being really rude and a bit precious if I'm honest.

Oh wow just read that bit, you're a real delight

ravenmum · 15/09/2021 10:49

I wonder if my stepson had 'gone for a nap' after inviting his wifes family for a get together and left her to do everything, how quickly he would have been shot down though
How is this equivalent - was it not your stepson who invited his own dad and stepmum to his own party, despite his wife being exhausted? Or do you mean that your DIL invited her husband's dad and stepmum to his party?

It was sensible and pleasant of her to say that her husband's party shouldn't be cancelled just because of her being asleep in another room.

5329871e · 15/09/2021 10:50

It’s really weird to call your DIL “mum”. I had to read the OP two or three times to understand that your SS is an adult and the DIL isn’t your husband’s ex.

She’s either incredibly lazy or has mental health problems / not coping. Can’t tell from your thread. Only your SS would know.

thisplaceisweird · 15/09/2021 10:51

@WhyOhWhyOhWhyyyy

Or maybe she knows how much you clearly dislike her and was actually just avoiding you.

This was the first thing that sprung to mind.

Your stepson wanted you there, she didn't care and wanted to rest. So what if he cooked and looked after the kids at the same time, don't all mothers do that without even thinking or having it noticed?

AGreenerShadeofKale · 15/09/2021 10:51

I don't think it's "precious" to prioritize sleep and routine when you have very little kids.
Or to not stand on ceremony with those who are meant to be your dearest and nearest.

Attitudes around this area are very bound up in upbringing and family norms.
Plus people's baseline energy levels do differ. (I know some busy-busy / verging
-on-triathlete types and nice as they are they do, by my observation, subtly judge others as lazy! )

SoundBar · 15/09/2021 10:52

You sound lovely OP.

Clearly DS and DSIL are struggling. It's not a crime or moral failing to be pushed beyond one's limits by the demands of young children.

What are you doing to help them?

thisplaceisweird · 15/09/2021 10:53

She would never admit to not coping well even if she wasn't
She is super defensive with most things
I assumed that since she is in the healthcare sector she would know herself if she was unwell

You sound really nasty. How about some compassion for a mum with two young kids and horrible in laws?

PuzzledObserver · 15/09/2021 10:53

He issued the invite, he wanted the party to go ahead despite offers to reschedule. He was able to cope with both the cooking and the children, so there was no need for her to appear and host when she is clearly exhausted and very probably unwell.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7