They've announced their pregnancy

[isthisok22]

Not sure if my emotions are getting the better of me.

We lost a pregnancy earlier this year a friends and family know. We are now staying in Scotland with DHs parents and siblings and 3 of his friends. It's the first time we've seen PIL since it happened.

One friend and wife have chosen now to announce that they are pregnant to us / the group / social media.

Every conversation they start is around their baby and how's she feeling and what she can and can't eat and how exciting it is and I feel quite upset. We've seen them lots this summer and I don't know why now seemed like the best time. Their own parents don't even know.

All the talk about oh I felt like this at week 5 and this at week 10 is infuriating because I was pregnant for 14 weeks and felt all those things but because the pregnancy ended it's like it didn't count and everyone has forgotten I experienced it all too.

OP, it is very sad that you experienced such a sad loss. But the world around you does not stop. It was your personal loss and you cannot expect others to not feel total joy and excitement at their wonderful news. They obviously waited before announcing the pregnancy till they passed a certain amount of time and are now all the more excited. While I completely appreciate the pain of anyone’s loss, I am getting a bit fed up with these growing expectations for expecting parents to not feel joyous. This is down to you and your DH to come to terms with. I also reckon that many expecting parents would have also been exhilarated and feel excited at certain milestones during their pregnancy, possibly without being aware of anyone else’s feelings until they were in that position to lose a child themselves. Then suddenly, they see everything as an affront and as adding to their pain. Yes, grief can make people self-centred but it doesn’t mean that the other expecting parents are wrong. Recently, read about a woman posting about her neighbours complaining about sunbathing in her own private back garden, trying to lay down the law about not having her baby in her own front room or breastfeeding in their garden because the neighbours could see her from their second-floor window. Don’t become this kind of person.

It gets easier. Xxx

@BudrosBudrosGalli I think your oversimplifying a bit there.

As much as other people’s grief and pain might make you feel ‘fed up’, it’s a natural result of women being more open about miscarriage, baby loss and infertility nowadays, instead of it being hidden away like a dirty little secret.

And also, literally no one is saying that expectant parents can’t feel joyous. Is it really too much to ask to use one of your brain cells to think ‘actually I know so and so has had a really rough time so maybe we’ll tell them quietly first and then not go on about pregnancy symptoms all the time’.

I mean, it’s basic kindness, isn’t it? Just as I wouldn’t go in about how happy I was with my husband and how I couldn’t do without him to a friend who’d just gone through a divorce, or rave about how well my career was doing to a friend who was unemployed but desperately trying to find a job.

And your comparison of OP to the neighbours complaining about the mother breastfeeding is really offensive. She lost a baby ffs. Have a word with yourself.

I'm normally the first one to say you can't avoid babies etc - but this does feel a little bit spiteful.

So she's acknowledged that this would have been hard for you to hear - but then has made her announcement and acted in a way that she can't fail to realise is really insensitive. If she's a friend, surely she cares for you and your DH? If so, why didn't she tell you quietly in private first so you could have a little time to be able to deal with the news first before responding publicly. And as she's 16 wks, she could even have told you before to give you a chance to reconsider whether being there and listening to pregnancy chat would be too much.

I do think you can't avoid these things forever but it's all still a bit raw and she really could have acted a bit more kindly.

I would either cut my visit short and return home or do the complete opposite and act TOTALLY unfazed - but I wouldn't forget it, especially as you say they tend to be competitive with you. I'm not sure I'd consider them to be friends.

How are the others in the group reacting to their continuing pregnancy talk, given the knowledge of your loss?
Do the others have children? I'm trying to imagine anyone even attempting to feign interest in her week-by-week account of how she has felt at each stage and the fact that she's a bit wary of omlettes, even if they had gone through a pregnany themselves.

I think you’re totally justified in how you feel. I lost a Baby at 12 weeks and had two friends who were due a couple of months before I would have been. I couldn’t face them when those babies came, muted them on social media (still are tbf) and found it very hard to face them when the time came to meet their babies.

You are not alone and how you are feeling is justified amd I think they are so very mean and selfish to do what they are doing.

[quote isthisok22]@Antinerak their loved ones? They are staying at DHs parents for a mutual friends 30th birthday as it's close to the venue and saves on hotel.

They are not their loved ones. They haven't even told their own parents / loved ones.

They have had no losses previously, they have said that.[/quote]
You said in your OP that they are friends of your DH, it's not crazy to assume that means you all get along! Either way, they chose to tell you all whether you're all loved or not it's their choice. Them not having losses before has nothing to do with their current pregnancy, they were just happy about it!

It's not much of a holiday for OP walking on knives, is it? How much longer are they around? Couldn't DH prime his DM as hostess to get them to rein in the baby chatter? Is she diplomatic and clever enough and would you trust her to do it?

If your gut tells you it's competitive and there's any tinge of gloating or smugness about it, you are probably right, sadly. You should not be enduring that in your PiL house.

Could she quietly say something like, "Everyone is happy about your news, of course, but have you forgotten already that our DS and DiL lost their own first pregnancy recently? They are very private and very brave and very kind, and they'd never want to cloud your happiness, but just imagine for a moment if the worst were to happen to you. Would you want to hear non-stop pregnancy and baby talk when you were houseguests with another couple? I wonder if you could consider what their feelings about their loss might be and find some alternative topics of conversation now and then? It would be thoughtful and considerate, which is how our DS and DiL are being to you the whole time.

If the pregnant one is upset at the very thought of losing her pregnancy, MiL can press home the point that you have faced the reality and are not crying every time babies are mentioned, so can she please be as empathetic as you are being!

[quote MindatWork]@BudrosBudrosGalli I think your oversimplifying a bit there.

As much as other people’s grief and pain might make you feel ‘fed up’, it’s a natural result of women being more open about miscarriage, baby loss and infertility nowadays, instead of it being hidden away like a dirty little secret.

And also, literally no one is saying that expectant parents can’t feel joyous. Is it really too much to ask to use one of your brain cells to think ‘actually I know so and so has had a really rough time so maybe we’ll tell them quietly first and then not go on about pregnancy symptoms all the time’.

I mean, it’s basic kindness, isn’t it? Just as I wouldn’t go in about how happy I was with my husband and how I couldn’t do without him to a friend who’d just gone through a divorce, or rave about how well my career was doing to a friend who was unemployed but desperately trying to find a job.

And your comparison of OP to the neighbours complaining about the mother breastfeeding is really offensive. She lost a baby ffs. Have a word with yourself.[/quote]
I realise that I forgot to add in the last paragraph that the people complaining, had lost a baby a while ago and thus expected the neighbour not to have her baby visible, the neighbour even accosted her while out walking with her pram to berate her over that etc. Basically, they expected that the new mother would not ever be out and about nor enjoy spending time with her baby in her private space.

This is the extreme end of where grief can lead to. I have been in both positions. OP is bitter and perhaps not entirely fair to the other couple either though, suggesting there was some competitiveness etc. It feels a bit like a pile-on on the other couple, based on OP's potentially quite skewered perception.

Wow at some PPs lecturing OP about how she should be feeling or suppressing her feelings! 😳

It feels a bit like a pile-on on the other couple, based on OP's potentially quite skewered perception.

But that’s the whole point of mumsnet isn’t it, you can only comment on one persons view as you never (or rarely) hear the other side.

Your comparison to the other thread is still really unfair IMO. I’m sure even the op would say the neighbours are being unreasonable there, as the mother is in her own home minding her own business. I’d say they’re being unreasonable and I’ve had multiple losses and failed ivf cycles.

Being privately upset about a pregnancy announcement (while also still being polite/happy on the outside) is not in any way the same as trying to make a mother hide her baby from view in her own home .

Anyway, I’ll leave it there as I don’t want to derail the thread any further.

@notasillysausage

I think this is really self absorbed of them. Why on earth they thought it was appropriate to announce a pregnancy to you in a situation where you can’t just leave and have your own space is beyond me. Sending hugs OP.

Exactly.

It doesn't feel like a pile-on on the other couple. At best they were incredibly insensitive, acknowledged this and then continued to be as insensitive, whilst in a location that should be a safe place for the OP! I think most people I know would find that out of order, although possibly not be able to express that on the spur of the moment.

I'm so sorry for your loss @isthisok22. Is it possible to ask a mutual friend to ask them to reign it in whilst at the 30th birthday party? If it comes from a third party then it shouldn't give them the kick feeling of having "won".

Look after yourself.

Look back on this thread in 7 years... You'll feel so different.... And be in a different place xxx

I think they entitled to be happy for their impeding arrival, as awful as having a miscarriage is, it's fairly common occurance and somethings you can't explain why it happens, many go on to have successful pregnancies.

Of course they are “entitled to be happy”. Did the OP, or anyone else, suggest that they aren’t?

Is the happiness of being pregnant not sufficient, that they need to talk constantly about it in front of someone who has recently lost a pregnancy? Are they entitled to the additional happiness that talking about it constantly will bring, at the cost of causing the OP to revisit her pain? Would anyone on this thread defending them actually behave like this in this situation?

I am sorry this has happened and I would have expected to hear the news separately on my own to have chance to process the news.

I have lost two babies and I have a friend who has also lost two babies. We were due to see each other between lock downs and I told her in advance.

Before I lost my two babies I had a healthy pregnancy and never forget feeling so guilty when I saw a friend I hadn't seen for a while. I was just showing, proud with my badge on etc. That day she was found out that she couldn't continue ivf following two losses. For the rest of the evening we didn't talk about my pregnancy - not important.

What I will say for your friends - yes being insensitive but luckily for them they haven't experienced the pain you went through. I found a number of friends who I thought were close just can't talk to me about my losses. So maybe as I have found with people they just don't know what to say and have no idea what you are going through

You need to change your mindset and focus. This is happy news, give them your congratulations then pull back for your own mental health.

Last year I had 3 miscarriages, but it was a baby boom at work. Everywhere I turned there was a pregnant woman, an email announcement or a collection. I smiled was genuinely pleased for them and used it as a determination to get pregnant again. Which I did and now on maternity leave with an 8 week old.

This is one terrible chapter in your life but it's not the end, be happy for those around you and have that determination to go for it!

And btw it wasn't luck that got me pregnant successfully- I did a lot of research, with the help of my gp (as miscarriage unit was shut due to Covid) realised I had an iron deficiency, high blood pressure and low pregnancy hormone. I did three months of iron tablets, aspirin and when I came pregnant extra pregnancy hormones. Do your research xx

@BudrosBudrosGalli

OP, it is very sad that you experienced such a sad loss. But the world around you does not stop. It was your personal loss and you cannot expect others to not feel total joy and excitement at their wonderful news. They obviously waited before announcing the pregnancy till they passed a certain amount of time and are now all the more excited. While I completely appreciate the pain of anyone’s loss, I am getting a bit fed up with these growing expectations for expecting parents to not feel joyous. This is down to you and your DH to come to terms with. I also reckon that many expecting parents would have also been exhilarated and feel excited at certain milestones during their pregnancy, possibly without being aware of anyone else’s feelings until they were in that position to lose a child themselves. Then suddenly, they see everything as an affront and as adding to their pain. Yes, grief can make people self-centred but it doesn’t mean that the other expecting parents are wrong. Recently, read about a woman posting about her neighbours complaining about sunbathing in her own private back garden, trying to lay down the law about not having her baby in her own front room or breastfeeding in their garden because the neighbours could see her from their second-floor window. Don’t become this kind of person.

Guessing you've never suffered the heartbreak of losing a Baby then? Of course we don't expect the world to revolve around us and no we don't expect others to hide their happiness, but what we do want is understanding and sensitivity in these situations and being able to grieve in our own time

There's a line between showing excitement and being smug, between friendship and one-upmanship, and between empathy and selfishness.

It's clear which side they are on by telling you in a group setting rather than a message in advance or leaving it as not obvious yet.

I would ask your dh if the two of you can just take the day out alone. No shame in saying we are finding the constant pregnancy conversation pretty difficult and need some time.
I nearly cried trying to tell my best friend I was pregnant when we were on holiday together, knowing she’d been struggling (different continents so this was my only chance to tell her face to face), and then barely mentioned it and exhausted myself trying to go about normally on holiday with the pregnancy sickness ramping up and drugs wearing off (I had hyperemesis) so I think she’s an asshole.

@HopingForOurRainbowBaby Thank you for your lovely post.

DH and I lost our first DD as a baby. I get the raw pain parents experience after a miscarriage or death of a child but I also understand the incredible joy and high felt during pregnancy. I am not saying that internally I didn't feel horrendous when I saw other parents with their babies after our loss. But we were since blessed with two healthy DC. I also appreciate there is no set time limit for when people are over their losses. However, there seems to be a lot of bitterness towards other expecting parents. While I understand that it is an emotion one cannot always control, it still does not mean that we can expect others to constantly tiptoe around our loss. It is such a special time for parents and if you cannot bear it, then you need to deal with that by perhaps removing yourself from the situation or in other ways. But it isn't carte blanche to slag off others.

Nobody is bitter about expectant parents.

These people are meant to be friends. And yet they’ve chosen to announce their pregnancy to OP’s family over and above their own family.

They’re being given a favour to stay at OP’s families so they don’t have to fork out for expensive hotels and this is how they repay the favour.

In all honesty why would OP’s IL’s give a shit about the see friends pregnancy or how the woman has been feeling each week?

They sound like stupid self absorbed people, with a very nasty streak. They’re not friends.

I had losses, I have DC too. I had friends who were pregnant and had babies when I was going through my losses I was happy for them. I can’t even imagine wanting to announce my pregnancy to friends family before my own, or at all actually.

They’re utterly selfish idiots. And I’d cut them off completely. It takes nothing from your ‘joy’ to be considerate of friends who have suffered a recent loss.

I've been there, tbh an awful lot of us have and it's brutal but your friends aren't doing it to hurt you, they're excited and a bit selfish and that's okay xxx

@isthisok22

They've always been strangely competitive with us and this feels like some sort of 'win' for them to announce it in this way. They said in front of everyone they didn't know how to tell us but tbh I feel like this was the worst way.

Are they actually your friends?

It doesn't sound like you feel very positive about them generally.