They've announced their pregnancy

[isthisok22]

Not sure if my emotions are getting the better of me.

We lost a pregnancy earlier this year a friends and family know. We are now staying in Scotland with DHs parents and siblings and 3 of his friends. It's the first time we've seen PIL since it happened.

One friend and wife have chosen now to announce that they are pregnant to us / the group / social media.

Every conversation they start is around their baby and how's she feeling and what she can and can't eat and how exciting it is and I feel quite upset. We've seen them lots this summer and I don't know why now seemed like the best time. Their own parents don't even know.

All the talk about oh I felt like this at week 5 and this at week 10 is infuriating because I was pregnant for 14 weeks and felt all those things but because the pregnancy ended it's like it didn't count and everyone has forgotten I experienced it all too.

I think they've been insensitive. A pregnancy loss is horrendous - I cried for a week non stop - and I still think about the shock of it to this day. I have had three children since but we always told people separately and I would never have announced it at a family gathering, especially if there was a relative who had recently had a loss, no more than I would announce a forthcoming marriage in front of someone who had recently had a painful separation/divorce.

Yeah that's strange imo.

Your awful circumstances aside Op, it seems an odd group for them to announce to anyway.

As for the droning on about how she felt at various stages

Nomoneytreehere - words fail me, they really do.

There is no way on earth I would have announced my pregnancies in front of people who had had mcs or ivf failures etc. No way on earth. I have had three mcs and two failed ivf attempts and I appreciated thoughtful family and friends who phoned us privately and told us and kept the calls short and when we had good news we did the same.
I refused to look at SIL’s scan photos when they were sent my way after a failed ivf attempt. You can be happy for someone without having the pics shoved in your face in front of other people.

Mind-blowingly insensitive with a hint of purposefulness.

So sorry for your loss OP.

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP.
These "friends" sound horrendously self-absorbed and insensitive, when you're back home time to take a step back from them I think. Take care of yourself.

I'm so sorry for you loss OP. I can see why they've told people while they're away as it may have been difficult to disguise not drinking or eating certain things, and I'm sure you wouldn't want to be the last to know, but they could have been more sensitive.

You need to put yourself first. I bet this is difficult for you, your oh and your parents (I know my parents struggled massively then they became grandparents for the first time 3 months after I lost my baby at 20 weeks). Talking may help you all.

Don't worry about what they think, don't try and hide how your feeling and don't ignore your grief. You can be happy for them an simultaneously sad because it reminds you of a really traumatic experience. If you need to leave, leave. If you need some time alone take it and if you need to speak to them honestly about how it's making you feel then do it.

I’m sure she’s picked now to announce as it maximises the attention she can garner. Probably haven’t given your emotions a moments thought.

Sorry for your loss 💐

No way would I have done this to a friend or an enemy.

I just wonder what would happen - and who would be the bad guy - if every time they prattled about their pregnancy, you countered with details of yours and its loss? I'm not suggesting you do it, but I bet it would shut them right up. Though I bet you'd be frowned on as insensitive and heartless, while nobody is saying that to them. 🙄

I think you need to summon up the courage to tell them how you feel. So what if you get upset on hearing the next minute bit of news? Your loss is as important as their happy news.

I hope you're not really angry at them, more at the situation. If it upset me, well, if it was someone I was close to, I'd just say "you know what, I'm delighted for you really I am, but I'm sad for myself too".

Half of the difficulty with this sort of thing is that everyone expects everyone else to be mindreaders, and have agendas, and I just don't think that that's the case.

IME, a friend of mine experienced a loss, and just as I found out about my own pregnancy, found out she was having twins. Third friend told me very specifically NOT to announce my pregnancy to the twins friend on one particular day, because 'I'd not experienced loss, I couldn't imagine how it felt, and I could at least let her have her moment'.

Not having experienced loss myself, I can only be about as devastated as a friend can be about another friends happy news. There's no way I can make myself experience that to empathise more.

What I'm saying is please try to be open about your feelings. If you're hurting tell those closest to you, and perhaps give them some ideas on what can help. Otherwise the default position is that no-one talks about anything, a massive atmosphere develops, and adult relationships are ultimately very damaged.

Constantly talking about it is shitty of them, but as a pp said there probably isn't ever a good time to announce a pregnancy to someone who has had a loss, especially one that was fairly recent.

I don't understand why no-one else has told them to stop banging on. I understand that they are excited, but they must be thick skinned to not realise that they are upsetting you.

They should have told you in private so you could absorb it on your own before you had to deal with being around a group of people. It isn't that hard. They have been very insensitive. I don't think these people are your friends and as for "this is how I felt at week 5/10" god that is so boring. You wouldn't be missing out if you never saw these people again. I would rethink the friendship and definitely don't waste any time on holiday with them again.
I think your DH needs to have a quiet word about how much it is upsetting you and ask them to tone it down a bit or just go home. Life is short , don't suffer more than you need to. Sorry for your loss.

Sorry for your loss OP, it does sound like they've been insensitive. If I were you I'd have a think about their intentions, it seems like you think they are competitive and are maybe deliberately rubbing it in your face? If that's really the case then I'd reconsider the friendship. However, some people really don't realise how hard miscarriage/ infertility can be. I've heard friends say things like "oh but you can't even get excited until x weeks because miscarriage is so common". You also mentioned that your miscarriage was earlier this year, if it 6 months or so ago they might have thought you'd be all better now. Obviously this is stupid and not the case at all, but some people really don't get it. Although the fact they said they didn't know how to tell you suggests that's unlikely.

Anyway I hope you are able to get through this visit, and hope you get your baby soon.

Presumably they told you all so she didn’t have to hide the fact she’s not drinking and can’t eat certain foods? I still cringe about throwing a glass of champagne on a flower bed and having to make up some ridiculous excuse about why I didn’t want any (delicious looking) rare steak on a weekend away with my parents and siblings.

I’m sorry for your loss, but you really can’t expect others not to mention their pregnancies. You probably notice it a lot more because of what you’ve been through.

Maybe she’s had problems with the pregnancy which she hasn’t disclosed, hence not mentioning it earlier. Maybe she mentioned it to explain why she wasn’t drinking or eating certain foods. Maybe she felt it was better to tell you in person, rather than by social media.

Sorry for your loss. However they are not being unreasonable and I’m afraid you are being over sensitive because of your own situation (which is also understandable).

I think there’s many a comment on here from those who don’t know what it’s like to lose a baby, especially not at 14 weeks.

Your friends are being insensitive. They didn’t need to announce it with such fanfare and they could have prepared you in advance. They sound self-absorbed and selfish.

Unfortunately those of us who have suffered pregnancy loss also have to experience it being ignored, minimised and not talked about. I think that makes it even harder. I’m sorry for your loss and wish you lots of luck in future pregnancies.

Mind-blowingly insensitive with a hint of purposefulness

This.

I’m sorry, OP. I really do understand how you’re suffering now. I lost several pregnancies in between my first and second babies. It is such a soul-crushing experience that just hurts beyond words.

When I lost the first pregnancy my best friend was also pregnant - we were both twelve weeks along. So I was naturally constantly reminded of my loss, although my friend was very sensitive to my pain.

Your friends are being very insensitive, OP. You need to spend less time around them for awhile until your feelings aren’t so raw. I hope this holiday will be over soon. Take a little time to heal and know that life will go on, you’ll have a successful pregnancy and put this behind you. The loss will always be there but it will be overshadowed by new joys in your life. You’ll forgive your friend’s insensitivity.

I agree this is pretty insensitive. Telling you remotely so you have time alone to process would be kinder. I honestly would probably have to leave the holiday. I’m not an especially dramatic person or prone to crying but I had a complete meltdown on the way to meet a friends’ new baby a month after I’d had my second miscarriage, I almost couldn’t go through with seeing them even for a couple hours. I really could hardly stand to be around people with children or pregnant. I wasn’t angry with them, I was just so so deeply sad for DH & I because it felt like we would never get to have our own family. I just couldn’t bear it. I think it’s really hard to understand the depth of loss you feel after miscarriage if you haven’t gone through it. It’s the loss of a possible child, but also all you hoped for with your family. If you don’t want to leave the holiday, I would ask your DH to have a word, the friends may genuinely just be completely clueless as to how it feels.

[quote isthisok22]@noctu not on holiday with our family? Perhaps to their own families first?[/quote]
Are you sure their family dont already know and you are the first group of special friends they wanted tell in person rather than seeing it on social media?

Does she really need to give a week by week account? Surely they announce, everyone congratulates, asks when is the due date, checks all ok, and then that's it until pouring out the wine ad saying oh none for you. On the whole it's not that interesting for anyone else.

I'd say you are finding the endless chat about pregnancy upsetting so could we change the subject.

What’s odd about this is that she’s announced it to you /your husband’s family on holiday before she’s even told her own family! That’s the strange part, especially as she knows you have just lost a baby. You are definitely not being unreasonable to be a bit miffed

16?

Those who are dismissing your pain and think you need to “get over it” and be celebrating your friend’s big news have never miscarried. Especially at fourteen weeks.