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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

They've announced their pregnancy

178 replies

isthisok22 · 14/09/2021 14:49

Not sure if my emotions are getting the better of me.

We lost a pregnancy earlier this year a friends and family know. We are now staying in Scotland with DHs parents and siblings and 3 of his friends. It's the first time we've seen PIL since it happened.

One friend and wife have chosen now to announce that they are pregnant to us / the group / social media.

Every conversation they start is around their baby and how's she feeling and what she can and can't eat and how exciting it is and I feel quite upset. We've seen them lots this summer and I don't know why now seemed like the best time. Their own parents don't even know.

All the talk about oh I felt like this at week 5 and this at week 10 is infuriating because I was pregnant for 14 weeks and felt all those things but because the pregnancy ended it's like it didn't count and everyone has forgotten I experienced it all too.

OP posts:

PumpkinsGalore · 14/09/2021 15:14

Some people on this thread don't seem to have read all of the OP. It's not just about them choosing now to announce it. It's all the "Ooh I felt like X at Y weeks" and every single conversation being about their new baby! That's appalling behaviour in front of someone who's fairly recently lost a baby ffs!

RoseAndRose · 14/09/2021 15:14

The fact of the announcement is entirely reasonable.

Banging on about early pregnancy when the audience includes someone who has just had a miscarriage is crass.

Can someone, maybe DH, have a quiet word to let them know how much upset it is causing, that you really wish them well, but are finding it tough to hear about right now.

It's almost certainly thoughtlessness

ZoyaTheDestroyer · 14/09/2021 15:14

That's insensitive of them. Is there a trusted member of the party who could take them to one side and remind them of the context?

kikisparks · 14/09/2021 15:14

I’m sorry, they’ve been insensitive. Sadly people who haven’t been through infertility and/ or pregnancy loss don’t always get it. Some people who have had such struggles might be fine in this situation but the sensitive thing to do would have been tell you by text at a time when you can work through your emotions without having to be happy for them, and also not at a time when you are forced to see them every day. Your feelings are valid and I’m sorry for your loss.

Samanabanana · 14/09/2021 15:15

I'm so sorry for your loss but it's perfectly reasonable for others to want to celebrate their good news. I know how hard it is, I've had several pregnancies that ended in mc as friends and family announced their successful pregnancies. It doesn't mean that other people have to keep their pregnancies secret from you though

Saoirse82 · 14/09/2021 15:15

They are being extremely insensitive. Your original post wasn't clear whether they are the group of friends that were with you so I expect that's why some posters are saying YABU as they may have assumed they are posting on SM.
There's really no excuse for treating a friend like this, yes, they are happy but know your audience and don't mention your pregnancy at every opportunity when someone in your group has recently experienced a miscarriage, to me that's a real shitty friend! Sorry for your loss

oakleaffy · 14/09/2021 15:16

If it is their PFB then they will think every twinge and kick is worthy of News At Ten announcements.
Hopefully you too will have a pregnancy again, many women do after a miscarriage.

It is unlikely they announced it to piss you off
Newly pregnant women can be quite self obsessed - unlikely she even considered you or anyone else. :(

LittleMysSister · 14/09/2021 15:18

I understand OP, I think this was really insensitive of them. Particularly given they were staying with your H's family, and then proceeded to talk about it all weekend.

Also, knowing about your loss, to tell you about it in a group setting when everyone else presumably knows about your loss too is just horrible. At the very least they could have told you privately first.

frazzledasarock · 14/09/2021 15:18

They sound like utter arseholes.

I'd grit my teeth through this holiday, how long are you holidaying for?

Then I'd ghost them, block them on everything and never speak to them ever again.

I've lost pregnancies and I was out of my mind with the grief.

By all means they can celebrate their pregnancy, but why would they choose to announce it to your family on holiday with you when they've managed to keep it quiet for 16 weeks, if they were bursting with so much happiness they'd have surely told their families first and let you know in private so you could deal absorb the information.

This smacks of rubbing your face in it.

OP I am so so deeply sorry for your loss.

Doomscrolling · 14/09/2021 15:19

Aren’t they just sharing good news with their group of friends? I honestly don’t think there is ever a good time to hear about a pregnancy when you’ve experienced a loss. I’m so sorry for your loss.

Plumtree391 · 14/09/2021 15:19

Glad you said that .

I'm so sorry sorry for your loss, isthisok22. It must be hard hearing about other people's pregnancies at this time. I doubt they mean to be insensitive.

Things will improve for you, I hope it is soon

Enough4me · 14/09/2021 15:21

OP, anyone telling you not be 'sensitive' or 'bitter' has probably not experienced pregnancy loss, as the loss stings.

Hearing pregnancy comments is like salt in a wound.

Can you leave or ensure everyone is busy on other things?

Doubledoorsontogarden · 14/09/2021 15:21

Given that they are away with you it would have been difficult to hide surely?

Laiste · 14/09/2021 15:23

I feel your pain OP.

I had a loss at 14 weeks and 2 weeks later BIL and wife arranged a big whole family meal out and before the starters arrived they announced they were expecting. Scan photos went round the table and everything.

MIL and SIL kept glancing at me and DH held my hand under the table so hard he almost crushed it. I don't know how i didn't bawl.

Best thing to have done would have been to have given us an easy to deal with heads up via text or phone call before the big reveal so you can compose yourself - and then congratulate them properly. Same with you i suspect. Pin the smile on OP. There's nothing else you can do.

ChristmasCocktail · 14/09/2021 15:23

I'm sorry for your loss but that doesn't give you a right to be annoyed for someone else's pregnancy announcement. They gave it time to announce clearly, there will be never be a right time for them to announce would you rather when she had the baby?
If this is how it's making you feel then maybe you need some therapy to help with your loss And this is coming from someone whose had ten losses including three still borns. I know what I'm talking about here.

MadisonMontgomery · 14/09/2021 15:24

Whilst they had to tell you at some time, I think it is shitty of them to keep talking about it. Obviously they are excited, but surely they can see it’s hurtful to you. I would keep removing yourself whenever they start tbh.

Ozanj · 14/09/2021 15:24

@isthisok22

They've always been strangely competitive with us and this feels like some sort of 'win' for them to announce it in this way. They said in front of everyone they didn't know how to tell us but tbh I feel like this was the worst way.

They showed you their true colours then. Honestly I’d back off a bit now. Numero uno priority should be to protect yourself

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 14/09/2021 15:24

OP they aren’t thinking about your feelings so you don’t need to think about theirs. Please, at supper tonight, break down in tears and tell them this is horribly upsetting for you and ruining your holiday. Ask them to stop going on about it. You don’t need to hide your feelings or grit your teeth, or pussy foot around about it.

ChristmasCocktail · 14/09/2021 15:25

Oh I missed the part about constantly talking about it. Piss in their cornflakes and tell them enough is enough now. Your happy for them but there's a life outside babies.

HyacynthBucket · 14/09/2021 15:25

They are being really insensitive. No advice on how to handle it OP, but sending a hug - this is tough on you. Your DH and his parents must know how you feel. Maybe they can they put a protective shield around you.

nomoneytreehere · 14/09/2021 15:26

I'm really sorry for your loss and I very much hope you go on to have a child. But you are being terribly unreasonable. What would you prefer, that they had suffered the same loss as you? Or that they were plagued with infertility? Or is it that you just don't want them to share their joy? What about when you hopefully go on to have a child. Will you keep quiet in case you upset someone? I would hope not, all new life is a tremendous gift and a celebration.

Your loss will, sadly, now always be a part of you though.

BrilliantBetty · 14/09/2021 15:27

I have had losses and know it's difficult but you should be happy for your friend and find a way to manage 'baby talk'. It's life.

frazzledasarock · 14/09/2021 15:28

Seriously, so the posters saying there's nothing wrong with the announcement.

Would wait till well past the 12 week mark and not tell their own family and friends.

But wait till they're on holiday with a friend who has recently lost her baby, and announce their pregnancy to her and her family?

Also why the need for a fanfare announcement to a load of people who aren't related to you and really don't in all honesty care.

Why not tell your own family and let your friend know in private so they can process it in their own time?

Stripyhoglets · 14/09/2021 15:28

Yes this is shitty of them . I agree that you should tell them.how you are feeling and I'd step back from the friendship too tbh. I made sure I told freinds privately when I was pg with my second and knew they were having issues conceiving. I'd never have told a big gang together at that point.

HyacynthBucket · 14/09/2021 15:28

Just read the post from WorkingItOutAsIGo
Excellent advice. Do this OP.

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