They've announced their pregnancy

[isthisok22]

Not sure if my emotions are getting the better of me.

We lost a pregnancy earlier this year a friends and family know. We are now staying in Scotland with DHs parents and siblings and 3 of his friends. It's the first time we've seen PIL since it happened.

One friend and wife have chosen now to announce that they are pregnant to us / the group / social media.

Every conversation they start is around their baby and how's she feeling and what she can and can't eat and how exciting it is and I feel quite upset. We've seen them lots this summer and I don't know why now seemed like the best time. Their own parents don't even know.

All the talk about oh I felt like this at week 5 and this at week 10 is infuriating because I was pregnant for 14 weeks and felt all those things but because the pregnancy ended it's like it didn't count and everyone has forgotten I experienced it all too.

Some people just don’t think.

We knew B&SIL had been trying for a while (although it wasn’t actively talked about) when we found out we were pregnant. We were so worried about upsetting them and then we found out they’d had two miscarriages so we’re even more conscious. We told BIL alone so he could share the news and they could take the time they needed. I was fully aware that the news would upset them regardless but we couldn’t keep it a secret forever.

I am very conscious around SIL that I’m not insensitive but also am still talking about it. I’m trying to be led by her but it’s a really awful situation all round.

They are being insensitive. And I would question whether someone that insensitive was actually a friend .

For context I’ve been through ivf which failed and Years of infertility and found very few people have the empathy and emotional maturity regarding fertility and loss.

What does earlier this year mean? If it means in the last couple of no that’s then I see why you might feel like this. If you mean January time..they might feel like you are over it. That’s not me saying you should be, but people often think miscarriage shouldn’t take long to get over. They may not realise you are still grieving.

Yabu, however can understand your feelings, unfortunately they are only sharing they’re happy news.

I’m sorry for your loss OP

I think you should go home and tell the whole group why. This couple are being horrible. Fertility and pregnancy is not a competitive sport. .

They waited longer than most to announce it and chose to share it with loved ones on holiday. I would have congratulated them and let them share their happy news and talk about their babies. However, no two people experience grief the same way, if this is too much for you to cope with, either let them gently know or try to go home early so you can let them enjoy their moment and give yourself time to process it.

We all know people who try to one-up us but I highly doubt they got pregnant just to shove it in your face and I also doubt they told you to spite you. They're allowed to be happy and celebrate getting to 16 weeks.

@Mummyoflittledragon

I think you should go home and tell the whole group why. This couple are being horrible. Fertility and pregnancy is not a competitive sport. .

I agree. A dignified exit is the way to go here, and not a private one, either. Announce it to the group. "We didn't know how to tell you, but despite being very happy for you, it's compounded our grief this weekend so we need to go. We wish you the best but for now, it's best for my mental well being that I'm not sitting in the middle of all your baby chat right now"

I'm sorry for your loss. They haven't actually done anything wrong. They're happy and want to talk about it.

I think it's fine for them to announce it, but to continue to go on about it knowing what you've been through is wrong. You're also extremely valid in how you're feeling.

I have a friend who's been trying for 2 years now and every one of her colleagues seem to sneeze and get pregnant. She's having a hard time of it because they know she's been trying and aren't tactful in the slightest about discussing how fertile and how their babies were total oopsies.

They waited longer than most to announce it and chose to share it with loved ones on holiday

Odd how their loved ones don’t include their own family but all of OP’s

@HerculesMulligan

Honestly, OP, fuck 'em. They don't deserve your friendship or your stoicism. That would be the end of the friendship for me.

This! What a bunch of bastards!

No need to announce it publicly in front of a crowd when they've had plenty of opportunities to give you a quiet heads up for ages.

I had a "friend" seek me out 24 hours after my baby son died to tell me how sad for me, but she was 28 weeks pregnant so wasn't that nice. It wasn't nice for me.

I’m sorry you’re struggling with your feelings of loss at the moment OP.

Must admit, I’m a bit confused about the situation as you’re on holiday with your PIL, and your DH’s siblings but also with these friends? Does that mean that these friends are also very close to all of DH’s family too? Is that why they announced the pregnancy because you’re all together?

I honestly don’t think you should get annoyed with your friends sharing their good news. It won’t change what happened to you and if anything, you’re directing your anger in the wrong place. They haven’t done anything wrong and are not responsible for your feelings.

It was always going to be hard - but how spectacularly thoughtless and insensitive to tell you in front of others ON HOLIDAY and then to not shut up about it. Plenty of people have not experienced loss but know how to be sensitive and kind so I wouldn't let them off with 'they couldn't possibly understand' either.

I’ve been on both sides of this, OP, and from either perspective I think your friends are behaving thoughtlessly at best and cruelly at worst. When I had my first pregnancy a friend was a few weeks ahead of me in hers. At the time I was ready to announce my own pregnancy things were looking bad for her baby (it turned out fine in the end, but she was extremely worried and upset at that point). I didn’t want her to find out from someone else about my pregnancy but I also didn’t want her to feel she had to celebrate mine when she was frightened for hers so I sent her a text letting her know and saying she could respond whenever she felt ready and that I completely understood if she needed time. That was the only decent way I could see of managing the situation, and your friends could have done something similar rather than springing it on you, ruining your holiday, and forcing you to think about your own loss every time they gab on about their pregnancy.
Several years later I lost a baby at 12 weeks. A friend had got pregnant with her second at the same time as me and we’d been doing the first trimester countdown together. My miscarriage was pretty traumatic and I was in pieces about it. She sent me regular texts about how excited her husband was to be announcing their pregnancy and so on. I found it very hard so I told her gently that I needed space. The next time I heard from her it was to complain about how hard it was having more than one baby. I was struggling to conceive again and I was (reasonably or not) really floored by how insensitive she was. I haven’t revived that friendship and I doubt I ever will.
A lot of posters here have banged on about how you should be happy for your friends. It’s great for them that that’s how they work, emotionally. It’s also completely fine and normal if that’s not where you are right now. My view is that it’s easy to be considerate and generous then you’re happy and much harder when you’re suffering, so those having the easier time should be the ones to tread with care.

@SalsaLove

If she’s 16 maybe she’s not aware of the difficulties that other women face in getting pregnant?

I think she is 16 weeks pregnant rather than age 16.

@isthisok22

They've always been strangely competitive with us and this feels like some sort of 'win' for them to announce it in this way. They said in front of everyone they didn't know how to tell us but tbh I feel like this was the worst way.

This changes things if they’ve always been ‘competitive’ with you. That coupled with your loss, and the faux rueful way they said in front of everyone that they didn’t know how to tell you, makes it clear to me why you’re struggling with it.

You’re not unreasonable to feel sad but sadly, neither are they. They’re entitled to announce their pregnancy any way they choose, but you’re entitled to withdraw from the friendship if you need to.

As someone that’s had multiple losses I understand. But the world doesn’t revolve around you or your feelings sadly they are perfectly entitled to share their news as and when they want. For all you know they’ve had losses themselves so want to let people know and celebrate . Your turn will hopefully come but for now they are entitled to be happy over it and share it .

If what you're saying is true and that they've always been competitive and you genuinely believe they're doing this on purpose then I would pack my bags and go home. In fact I'd probably do that anyway for the sake of my own sanity.

@Antinerak their loved ones? They are staying at DHs parents for a mutual friends 30th birthday as it's close to the venue and saves on hotel.

They are not their loved ones. They haven't even told their own parents / loved ones.

They have had no losses previously, they have said that.

I hate this self-important practice of 'announcing' everything. I just tell the people who I think will really want to know. The rest will find out soon enough, and if they don't, well perhaps they are not really that interested. Grandiose 'announcements' at every turn I find a mild irritant.

In the case of a mother who's lost her baby, I'd do the telling quietly and extremely tactfully, would understand and respect whatever way she deemed fit to deal with her own grief, and would still be there on the other side of it.

I've lost five babies, and I sympathise well and truly with your predicament, OP. You can be pleased for someone else in this situation, but that's not to say it isn't bloody painful for you at the same time. And anyone with a modicum of tact or an ounce of humanity would not struggle to recognise it, much less rub your face in it the entire time.

I'd mute the social media and give yourself a bit of distance from the group. I'm sorry you've suffered this all-too common but horrible, mainly unacknowledged grief and hope you're getting some some support

My friend had to have an emergency hysterectomy a few months before I became pregnant with DS. I knew she'd feel it when I announced my pregnancy so I rang her husband and told him, got his advice on how to tell my friend.

It was my birthday when I was six months pregnant and my friend asked her husband to drop my present round as she couldn't cope with seeing my bump. I understood that. When we spoke on the phone she asked how I was and I just replied fine and spoke in general terms. She asked how baby was and I told her. That was it. She didn't need to hear how the pregnancy was going but she wanted to know we were both OK.

She's now DS's Godparent.

There are ways to handle these type of occasions with a bit of dignity. Telling the person who's going to be finding it hard news quietly and saving the harping on for people who can cope with it is the sensitive thing to do.

Bet her family will be pleased to see they've been relegated to second place too...

Sorry for your loss OP and for the insensitivity of your friend.

I’ve been there too OP, except my friend confided in me (and only me) that she was expecting - told me 4 days after my own miscarriage, all excited and everything ☹️ She knew about my miscarriage and didn’t even hug me or anything.
It is hard, and I feel for you. Your friend was probably too excited to consider your feelings, and you’re perfectly reasonable to be upset. I hope in time you feel better.

I think it would have been kinder of them to take you and DH aside and told you quietly first. And they chose a very odd place to make a public announcement, if you mean they literally called for everyone's attention and said "We have an announcement to make.....". If it's just that they released a statement on SM, they're entitled to do that whenever they choose.

I do wish it was the way it was when I was having 'special events'; you told who you wanted to know first by calling them or with a visit then word got out via 'the grapevine'.

If they've announced it on SM, I'm sure they've already told their families quietly.

And remember it will only 'competitive' if you let it be. If they don't see things 'getting to you' they'll probably stop. Although this is one situation where it may be better to calmly clear the air; "DH and I are very happy for you. But since you said you didn't know how to tell us I'll give you this piece of advice for future reference. If you aren't sure how someone will receive information in a given situation, it is far better to tell them privately a day or two ahead of any public announcement. That gives them time to put to rest any emotions they may feel".

Please remember that you are still allowed to talk about your pregnancy. Just because it didn't end in a child doesn't mean it was any less real. Join in if you feel able to - your experience is just as valid as hers.

[quote isthisok22]@noctu not on holiday with our family? Perhaps to their own families first?[/quote]
It’s really hard but to be honest, would you (and everyone else) not have noticed she isn’t drinking and is being careful about what she eats? I remember it actually being quite awkward NOT to tell people as then they are speculating and giving you the side - eye etc. Of course I can’t tell from this whether they’ve announced it for this reason or to specifically get one up on you. Only they really know that …